to deep6sleep

havana16 said:

What about a seperation from each other for awhile? maybe she would miss you.

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Of course, I would do a seperation first. If for nothing else, show her that this is serious and I am serious about how the marriage is going.

We had another "discussion" last night and I refused to get into it again.
The good news is she agreed to see the christian counselor with me again. I will not argue in circles with her. I want a third party to referee this. I liked this shrink, he was level headed and fair. I will own up to my part concerning the problems in the marriage, and I have. I am far from perfect and have been bullheaded when I am told how to think and why.

I was brought up strict Catholic, and I see parallels in her fundamentalism.
She believes that she is right and everyone else is wrong, no matter what the circumstances. If I make a moral decision and I don't base it on scripture, it is not a moral decision. Example: Stealing; I don't steal because I would never think of taking something that wasn't mine and that someone else worked hard for. Why? Because it is not mine...that simple. Same for murder. I don't murder because I respect life. I am pro life as a matter of fact. Abortion is a horrible thing. I respect human life for the sake of human beings...that simple. But these reasons are never good enough. Her position is that if you don't have a biblical reason, we can do whatever you want, as you have no basis for morality. I disagree.

This is the crux of our differences. If I don't accept the bible as inerrant and the end word, I cannot live a moral life, but in essence I do because I want to. The commandments are a great resource on how one should live.
I just have trouble with some of the absolutism found in fundamentalism, and this is where we have our biggest disagreements..

Deep6sleep

Sounds to me like you are making the right decision in life and hopefully you will find God there for you. I am glad she is going with you and I pray it will work out for you. There is no one in this world who is right all the time The only One is God and Him alone! please keep me updated Deepsleep.

havana16 said:

Sounds to me like you are making the right decision in life and hopefully you will find God there for you. I am glad she is going with you and I pray it will work out for you. There is no one in this world who is right all the time The only One is God and Him alone! please keep me updated Deepsleep.

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Thanks for the kind words. This shrink is booked a few weeks in advance, so it will be awhile unfortunately. I will endure the cold shoulder till then, and that always amazed me. The times we saw the christian shrink, he showed her that we did basically agree on the majority of moral issues and I did live a Christ like life, even though I was not a fundamentalist. She understood that I attended only in support of her spiritual needs. He emphasized that manipulating me to go to church, by showing anger when I did not attend, was not in her best interests, as sooner or later it would come to a head. It finally did when I said one or two sundays that I wasn't in the mood to go. What usually happens is she finds some other issue to pick on me about and over reacts. And then the cycle starts again. Bottom line is she wants me to have her exact, and I mean EXACT, world view. The reality is I do not, and did not when we married 30+ years ago. She can't accept that in her new world, and cannot give me the same respect as I give her. The respect to her own religious beliefs without trying to change her. It is as simple as that.

Deep6sleep

The following passage is what gives me counsel as I approach marriage to someone in a different spiritual place than I have been drawn since we've been together. I don't think it's any accident that God led me to it and it's so beautiful that perhaps it might help your wife understand what God would have her do if she truly desires to see you reconciled to Christ.

1 Peter 3

Submission to Husbands

1 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. 3 Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— 4 rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. 5 For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.

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I promise you, it's effective. I dearly love my fiance and want to have a full life with him, but I refuse to yield on certain things, like a Christian wedding, attending church regularly, etc. and after making this clear in a loving way and stepping back to give him plenty of time to think about it, he is now ready to accept the challenge of being the head of our Christian home. Of course, while were at odds about what the definition of a committed future meant, I had accepted that it might well be God's will that this man was indeed not the one He planned for me. It was hard, but I knew that no matter how much I loved the man, if he was not in God's plan, the last thing I wanted to even hint at was trying to force into being what I wanted. It never works out well when we forget Who's in charge.

I'm praying for you, deep6sleep.

porterross,

If I gave her a passage of scripture to reflect on, that would really tick her off.....as it has in the past. In effect, she feels that a "heathen" has no right to point out scripture to a saved one......end of discussion.
But thanks for the suggestion...

Remind her that it's not her, her pastor or anyone else of this world who judges whether or not you are a heathen, but God alone. That is a lesson all Christians need to be reminded of, especially since none of us can agree on every detail of our view of faith.

Have you considered another church on your own to strengthen and uplif yourself? Since she is determined to go her own way in this area and it's unacceptable to you (for good reason), perhaps learning more from someone who comes from the perspective of God's grace and the gift He gave us ALL versus God's sovereignty and the false idea that He would choose to condemn any of His children.

Look at Isaiah 64:5-7; Psalm 53 and then John 3:16-17.

None of us is worthy of God's salvation, but because He loves us all, He gave us the Way, the Truth and the Life. Some will reject Him, but that is not the way God would have it.

I won't get into the ways in which she is failing as a Christian wife, because it seems you already know that. Bottom line is, you are the head of the household and she needs to be reminded of that. If she refuses to recognize God's word because it's handed to her by somone she disagrees with, then she needs to reexamine her own views on Scripture.

What is troubling me is the reaction you received from her pastor, as if they are somehow in cahoots. That's very telling and what I read into it is not at all good or pure. He certainly isn't someone I would consider a shepherd unless he sees her as his favorite sheep. As others have said, his response to you was wrong on many levels and were it me, I'd be very suspicious, but that's just me.

Peace