Burns: I don't know what's happening. It seems our profits have dropped 37%.
Smithers: I'm afraid we have a bad image, Sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre.
Burns: I ought to club them and eat their bones!
% Moe is strapped to a lie detector in the next scene. Eddie and Lou
% administrate the test.
Eddie: Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! [buzz] All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him. [ding]
Eddie: Checks out. OK, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz]
_A_ date. [buzz]
Dinner with friends. [buzz]
Dinner alone. [buzz]
Watching TV alone. [buzz]
All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. [buzz]
[weakly] Sears catalog. [ding]
[angry] Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]
This isn't dialogue, but the scene still makes me laugh out loud.
% Homer asks where Barney is, and Seymour tells him Barney is with his
% new girlfriend, the "Japanese conceptual artist". Barney walks in
% with her, and opines that he's worried barbershop is becoming
% stagnant. He plays them his "bold new direction" demo tape, which
% consists of repetitions of a female voice saying, "Number eight,"
% followed by a belch. Apu and Seymour roll their eyes.
And since this is Christian Forums:
% (Bart) snaps awake in church, and rouses the rest of the family. They
% look around to find that they are the only ones there.
Lisa: Everyone's gone!
Marge: [leaving] Oh, how embarrassing. Ooh, we slept right through church.
Homer: Eh, not the end of the world.
[they open the doors, to find that the world is engulfed in fire and brimstone. The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gallop across the sky]
Marge: No, it's the Apocalypse! Bart, are you wearing clean underwear?
Bart: Not any more.
Lisa: It's the Rapture, and I never knew true love.
Homer: I never used those pizza coupons!
[the Flanders, praying, are caught in a beam of light, and float peacefully Heavenward]
Marge: Why aren't we ascending into Heaven? [pause] Oh, right -- the sins.
[just then, Lisa starts to ascend. Homer grabs her by the foot]
Homer: Where do you think you're going, missy?
Lisa: Da-a-d!
[the earth at the Simpsons' feet collapses, forming a stairway to Hell. Homer sniffs the air]
Homer: Ooh, I smell barbecue! [runs down the stairs. The rest of the family slowly follows]
Hey look -- [screams horribly] Oh, they're out of hot dogs! And the coleslaw has pineapple in it! Aah! German potato salad!
% AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" plays in lieu of the usual closing theme.