The Enigma of Silence

Resha Caner · Jul 17, 2019

Messerve said:
You know I've been thinking about this, and my employer often does the same thing when people ask him questions. However, he will silently nod his head or something. So when I have my back turned and someone is talking to him and I don't hear any answer to someone else's question, sometimes I wanted to immediately think "Our boss just completely ignored 'Ryan''s question. How rude!" When in reality, he actually did answer, just with an expression instead of words.

I know for a fact this isn't always the case with the person in this discussion, because I will usually turn my head to look at him when I realize he hasn't said anything and he doesn't give me an expression or look at me either. But that's at least a possibility with some people.

I agree with point # 1. It was a long time until he opened up to me at all and he is still reserved in a lot of ways, though he's way more transparent with me than he used to be. Actually, I think most people have given up on trying to know him because it's such a difficult wall to get beyond. So I'm kind of proud I got to where we are at the moment.

As far as point # 2, he is decently invested in the friendship. While I tend to give gifts and offer help with things, he likes to invite me out to eat once in awhile or share funny videos or photos. I would say he is a good friend... A little bit distant and impersonal sometimes, but overall a very good friend.

I think I'll have to be patient and wait for the next "enigma of silence" to happen, and then try to gently ask if I made him uncomfortable or offended him or something.

The way you describe the situation makes it sounds as if the person is shy, socially awkward, maybe fearful. We are often too quick to judge.

But I will note 2 additional and interesting comments from notable people about the idea that silence is rude or offensive - something I disagree with. Expecting that someone must answer your question is an attitude of superiority and control.

First, I once saw an interview with Julia Roberts. The interviewer asked her a personal question and she just smiled. When the interviewer asked if she was refusing to answer, she said (paraphrasing): I was raised to be polite. When I first became a celebrity I felt obligated to answer every question. But then I realized you don't have a right to demand such information.

Second, in Dietrich Bonhoeffer's essay "What is Meant by Telling the Truth?" he agonizes over whether it is a sin for him to lie to his Nazi interrogators. He concludes something similar to Roberts, that when someone's intent is to use factual information for evil, you are under no obligation to give them factual information.

It is a difficult question to ask: What can we (who are not God) demand of our fellow human beings? It begs a discussion of things like Rousseau's social contract theory.

Dave-W · Jul 18, 2019

Messerve said:
I know someone who sometimes answers my comments or questions with silence and it confuses me as to how to interpret it. Maybe some of you could give some insight?

I have a granddaughter who is a high functioning Asperger's (autism) person. She will go silent at odd times too. She had a lot of melt downs when she was very young. Could your friend be an Aspie?

Messerve · Jul 18, 2019

Resha Caner said:
The way you describe the situation makes it sounds as if the person is shy, socially awkward, maybe fearful. We are often too quick to judge.

But I will note 2 additional and interesting comments from notable people about the idea that silence is rude or offensive - something I disagree with. Expecting that someone must answer your question is an attitude of superiority and control.

First, I once saw an interview with Julia Roberts. The interviewer asked her a personal question and she just smiled. When the interviewer asked if she was refusing to answer, she said (paraphrasing): I was raised to be polite. When I first became a celebrity I felt obligated to answer every question. But then I realized you don't have a right to demand such information.

Second, in Dietrich Bonhoeffer's essay "What is Meant by Telling the Truth?" he agonizes over whether it is a sin for him to lie to his Nazi interrogators. He concludes something similar to Roberts, that when someone's intent is to use factual information for evil, you are under no obligation to give them factual information.

It is a difficult question to ask: What can we (who are not God) demand of our fellow human beings? It begs a discussion of things like Rousseau's social contract theory.

Well, I felt like I was treating him as an equal, not that he has to give me everything I ask. He has a lot of life experiences I haven't gone through yet, like having a kid and a pregnant wife. So I was more seeking his to learn from his experience or wisdom to tuck away in the back of my mind for the future. In the second situation, perhaps I feel we are closer than he does and so even joking about him staying at my place may have been spoken prematurely if he feels he still doesn't know me well enough.

However, I really like those examples you gave. I feel obligated to answer people's questions, too. But once in awhile I've refrained from answering (like when my co-worker asked me if I voted from Trump... a dangerous question. )

Messerve · Jul 18, 2019

Dave-W said:
I have a granddaughter who is a high functioning Asperger's (autism) person. She will go silent at odd times too. She had a lot of melt downs when she was very young. Could your friend be an Aspie?

I didn't know him when he was young... So I'm not sure if he showed any signs of being autistic as a kid.

He does get impatient pretty easily. Like if I he decides to invite me to go eat somewhere, he'll just call me on his way to my house (a two minute drive) which means I have to frantically put on some nice clothes and be ready by the time he's in the driveway. Sometimes when he's called to ask me if I want to eat somewhere I've replied "Uh, sure... Right now?" And even that little bit of hesitancy can annoy him enough that I can hear it in his voice. I've learned to assume he means right now and not even ask! A little frustrating, because it means I have to be ready in a moment's notice to go somewhere, but not a bad skill to have actually....

Also, we used to work together and he was always very friendly and we got along great. But there were a few times when he was heading home from work and I was in the room he had just gone through, and before the outside door fully closed I could hear him suddenly letting loose a storm of swearing and ranting. Maybe it was to let off steam?? It seemed weird to me and uncharacteristic for him, from his normal cheerful self.

Or he could just be perfectly normal. I hate putting labels on people or assuming they have some kind of disorder. Often I think I have Asperger's myself... I didn't speak until three years old, I would get very focused on very specific things, I would wander far away from home and my family completely oblivious that I could get lost or hurt... Yeah. It's a miracle I'm still alive.

The Enigma of Silence

Resha Caner

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