I'm not completely over this yet, but for the most part I defeated the enemy on God's word alone, so I hope this helps anyone else that's dealing with this and doesn't know what to do, or feels like they're going mentally insane. This will be kind of long so bear with me.
I was saved when I was a kid, and my whole life I believed Jesus died for all of our sins, and was resurrected by God. But most of my life was spent in sin and not fully following the Lord.
All last year I started having this urge to start serving the Lord, so I started reading my bible off and on, and it wasn't until about a month ago that I just wanted to drop everything and serve the Lord completely. So for about a week or two was spent reading the bible, watching TCT, watching sermons on youtube, listening to audio of Andrew Wommack, reading books by him as well as Charles Capps and Kenneth Hagin. I admit I was trying to sponge too much information in a short amount of time but something changed in me to just want to be a Jesus fanatic. I wanted to preach the Gospel, get people saved, and heal people from sickness and disease and learn to release God's spiritual gifts and speak in tongues. God was 24/7 in my life, for once in my life.
Suddenly, not sure if it was unprecedented or if I heard someone speaking of it, but it had something to do relating to Romans 1:28 or Hebrews 6:4-6. Now, I've read these before in the past and it never bothered me, but this time, within the same day, it quickly grew into a stronghold and my mental state did a 180.
My mind was racing, accusations that I committed blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, claims that God gave me over to a reprobate mind, great fear of separation from God came over me, depression, anxiety and panic. I felt completely alone, even around my own parents who I love being around.
My heart felt like it was being squeezed, my chest felt inflamed, my head felt like it was being crushed, there was pressure on the back of my neck, I had cold sweats and overall just felt hot and cold at the same time. Sometimes I'd even lay in bed shaking. Everything felt very real to me.
Now I've never experienced any of this before, and some days I just cried out to God, balling my eyes out, pleading for help. I couldn't sleep at night, or I got very little sleep. I was living in constant fear that God was going to send me to hell, and it made me fear him greatly. It was constant torment. Thankfully I came across someone else with a similar situation, plus I had help from my parents.
I had to stand on scripture, because I knew it was the enemy attacking me. God is love, and I had to convince myself everyday that this isn't God and I needed to stand on scripture.
Now I didn't totally know what to do, so the first week I was speaking out positive confessions from a Charles Capps booklet. 50+ verses multiple times a day, plus other verses I wrote down on a notepad. I'd try to go through verses in my head about God's love for me, or "the joy of the Lord is my strength," "I don't have a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind," etc. I hand-wrote directions from someone else who went through a similar experience and it helped sometimes.
I'd also try praising Jesus, listening to Christian music, forcing myself to jump up and down praising Jesus even though I felt all of this evilness in me. Sometimes it'd work and I'd feel ok but other times it didn't help much.
Last Saturday night I talked to a friend. I didn't tell him any of what I was going through, but I did talk to him about Jesus and he actually was receptive since we never talked religion before. He didn't know if he was born again so I did the prayer with him and got him saved! Suddenly I started feeling good and was glad I led someone to Christ. I think he was my first too! But then the fear started crawling back shortly after.
Later that night my dad told me to speak in tongues and to keep at it. So that night, I had Kenneth Hagin videos playing on youtube, and I was just speaking in tongues for 3-4 hours straight even though I rarely ever did them in the past. I got maybe 3-4 hours of sleep again but when I woke up to go to church, I felt awesome. I thought I was healed. Went to church and it was awesome, I felt pumped up and on fire again for Jesus. I thought I was just going to speak in tongues whenever I have free time, so most of that day I did.
Then later that evening it hit again.
Monday comes and I go to work. I talked to an older lady that I work with there about Jesus, and thought in my head "You know, the devil would never lead someone to Christ," (the reprobate thoughts were strong during this time) and remembered what I did with my friend, and I had it on my heart to lead this co-worker to Christ as well. So I talked to her, and she was receptive as well, and I was able to do the prayer with her too and she became saved! I felt better again, all that fear went away and everything went away.
Perfect love casts out fear.
Later that day I had some free time at work, so I went to Gregory Dickows channel on youtube for some reason and watched a video of his that talked similar stuff to this, about fear, condemnation, etc., being strongholds and that JESUS LOVES YOU, YOUR SINS WERE FORGIVEN! It instantly made me feel normal, but I knew I had to listen to what he was saying.
He brought me to the verse in 2 Corinthians 10:3-5, pulling down strongholds, casting down imaginations, and taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. I had to change the way I thought to win this over.
So I forced myself to think of God's love, think about anything good he did for me or my family in the past (like my dad being healed), anything good He did in the bible, just straight focus on God or his word.
And I have to say for the most part, I've felt good the last 3 days. Only thing I experience is what I'd call aftershock, for example, last night I read on here about someone's belief that Jesus is coming back this year. Now usually I'd be excited or at least in a good mood thinking about being snatched up in the air to go to Jesus, but a prick of fear hit me, like I wouldn't be caught up in the rapture, but rejected or neglected.
Today I was talking to my dad about bible prophecy as well and he mentioned Jesus' second coming is going to happen soon, and a prick of fear hit me when he said that, with the same feelings.
Now I admit, I slacked off fighting the enemy spiritually, so I have to make sure I keep on this until I'm completely healed. It's just weird how before, and sometimes during this attack, I'm on fire for the Lord, and then this fear crap.
So like this guy said in another thread that I mentioned earlier, where I hand-wrote his stuff down, something very important to take note: no matter how real all of this seems to you, you have to stand on truth.
I really struggled with this. This illusion was very real to me; I've never experienced anything like it before. And it was my first time partaking in such mental warfare.
I had to convince myself of multiple, factual things, such as: Satan is a master deceiver, like a roaring lion, walking about, seeking whom he may devour. He's an accuser of brethren. God is love. God's will is for you to know him, he loves us so much that he sacrificed his only son Jesus Christ, so that we could be with him for eternity. He adopted us in Christ. Jesus' sacrifice was a one time eternal redemption for ALL sins, past, present, future. God's spirit draws us to him, not rejects, and I was finally drawn hook, line and sinker... only for this evil illusion to come upon me and make me think otherwise? God forbid.
To quickly recap:
1. It may feel like you don't have any faith (forgot to mention this earlier), but let's just say I felt like I faithfully had faith even though it felt like I had no faith at all. This may make no sense but I just knew deep down God's word was true even though everything else felt hopeless and contrary. There were times I almost called 911 because I couldn't take it anymore, but I stayed true to God's word and stuck through it, now I'm glad I didn't give in like that, I'd probably be drugged up in a mental asylum right now. I hope this shows God's glory in the power of His word and blesses someone.
2. Speak POSITIVE confessions often and every day. This is important so that God's word can take root in your heart. I spoke probably between 50-70 verses multiple times a day, every day. Most were from the Charles Capps book God's Creative Power, as well as other ones I thought were important. The important thing here is God wants His word flowing through you. His word has to take root in your heart. They have to be meditated on. I remember Monday morning I kept waking up from the attacks but the verses kept running through my head without my doing and I quickly felt better.
3. I rebuked the enemy. I forget exactly which verses they were in Ephesians, but I remember Kenneth Hagin talking about this, that we have spiritual authority over demons. Now there were times early on where I was crying and shouting while doing this, but I needed to exercise everything I could. I did this often to build up confidence. I'm not sure if this really helped me because I don't know if I understood my authority or released any faith.
4. I tried praise and worship music a little bit. It helped me sometimes. Sometimes I'd be jumping up and down and my arms raised singing to the Lord and I'd feel good, and other times it didn't work for me. I'd get tired after awhile doing this too lol.
5. Apply 2 Corinthians 10:3-5. You have to try and force yourself to think differently. Yes, it's hard, but you HAVE to, and for me, I chose to think about God's word.
Here's the thing: One day, the thought "reprobate" or whatever the thought was entered my head, images of hell and damnation were going through my head that scared me, and the next thing you know the devil had a stronghold over me for a couple of weeks.
So I forced myself to think about God's word: The images are hard to create at first in your head (Dickow likened it to the old camera photos needing time to appear in solution), but keep trying and it'll happen. Eventually, I'm imagining all the good God did: Drawing His people out of Israel, or David and the things he accomplished because of God. I had an image go through my head of the people trying to get through the roof so they could let down the sick for Jesus to heal. Stuff like this.
6. I kept thinking about God's love for me. I kept remembering that right before this happened to me, I laid in bed thinking about Jesus and I kept saying "I love you, I love you so much Jesus" and I suddenly had a warmth and love come over me. This kind of goes in hand with the above I guess but I tried to remind myself of things like this constantly.
7. No matter how real, alone, fearful, condemned you feel, YOU HAVE TO STICK THROUGH IT. Satan is deceiving you.
I'll try and clean this up later, because I'm tired and I think I missed some stuff.
Sorry if it is too long, but I felt that this was such an evil illusion to go through, that I really wanted to get this out there in case anyone else is going through the same thing.
I was saved when I was a kid, and my whole life I believed Jesus died for all of our sins, and was resurrected by God. But most of my life was spent in sin and not fully following the Lord.
All last year I started having this urge to start serving the Lord, so I started reading my bible off and on, and it wasn't until about a month ago that I just wanted to drop everything and serve the Lord completely. So for about a week or two was spent reading the bible, watching TCT, watching sermons on youtube, listening to audio of Andrew Wommack, reading books by him as well as Charles Capps and Kenneth Hagin. I admit I was trying to sponge too much information in a short amount of time but something changed in me to just want to be a Jesus fanatic. I wanted to preach the Gospel, get people saved, and heal people from sickness and disease and learn to release God's spiritual gifts and speak in tongues. God was 24/7 in my life, for once in my life.
Suddenly, not sure if it was unprecedented or if I heard someone speaking of it, but it had something to do relating to Romans 1:28 or Hebrews 6:4-6. Now, I've read these before in the past and it never bothered me, but this time, within the same day, it quickly grew into a stronghold and my mental state did a 180.
My mind was racing, accusations that I committed blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, claims that God gave me over to a reprobate mind, great fear of separation from God came over me, depression, anxiety and panic. I felt completely alone, even around my own parents who I love being around.
My heart felt like it was being squeezed, my chest felt inflamed, my head felt like it was being crushed, there was pressure on the back of my neck, I had cold sweats and overall just felt hot and cold at the same time. Sometimes I'd even lay in bed shaking. Everything felt very real to me.
Now I've never experienced any of this before, and some days I just cried out to God, balling my eyes out, pleading for help. I couldn't sleep at night, or I got very little sleep. I was living in constant fear that God was going to send me to hell, and it made me fear him greatly. It was constant torment. Thankfully I came across someone else with a similar situation, plus I had help from my parents.
I had to stand on scripture, because I knew it was the enemy attacking me. God is love, and I had to convince myself everyday that this isn't God and I needed to stand on scripture.
Now I didn't totally know what to do, so the first week I was speaking out positive confessions from a Charles Capps booklet. 50+ verses multiple times a day, plus other verses I wrote down on a notepad. I'd try to go through verses in my head about God's love for me, or "the joy of the Lord is my strength," "I don't have a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind," etc. I hand-wrote directions from someone else who went through a similar experience and it helped sometimes.
I'd also try praising Jesus, listening to Christian music, forcing myself to jump up and down praising Jesus even though I felt all of this evilness in me. Sometimes it'd work and I'd feel ok but other times it didn't help much.
Last Saturday night I talked to a friend. I didn't tell him any of what I was going through, but I did talk to him about Jesus and he actually was receptive since we never talked religion before. He didn't know if he was born again so I did the prayer with him and got him saved! Suddenly I started feeling good and was glad I led someone to Christ. I think he was my first too! But then the fear started crawling back shortly after.
Later that night my dad told me to speak in tongues and to keep at it. So that night, I had Kenneth Hagin videos playing on youtube, and I was just speaking in tongues for 3-4 hours straight even though I rarely ever did them in the past. I got maybe 3-4 hours of sleep again but when I woke up to go to church, I felt awesome. I thought I was healed. Went to church and it was awesome, I felt pumped up and on fire again for Jesus. I thought I was just going to speak in tongues whenever I have free time, so most of that day I did.
Then later that evening it hit again.
Monday comes and I go to work. I talked to an older lady that I work with there about Jesus, and thought in my head "You know, the devil would never lead someone to Christ," (the reprobate thoughts were strong during this time) and remembered what I did with my friend, and I had it on my heart to lead this co-worker to Christ as well. So I talked to her, and she was receptive as well, and I was able to do the prayer with her too and she became saved! I felt better again, all that fear went away and everything went away.
Perfect love casts out fear.
Later that day I had some free time at work, so I went to Gregory Dickows channel on youtube for some reason and watched a video of his that talked similar stuff to this, about fear, condemnation, etc., being strongholds and that JESUS LOVES YOU, YOUR SINS WERE FORGIVEN! It instantly made me feel normal, but I knew I had to listen to what he was saying.
He brought me to the verse in 2 Corinthians 10:3-5, pulling down strongholds, casting down imaginations, and taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. I had to change the way I thought to win this over.
So I forced myself to think of God's love, think about anything good he did for me or my family in the past (like my dad being healed), anything good He did in the bible, just straight focus on God or his word.
And I have to say for the most part, I've felt good the last 3 days. Only thing I experience is what I'd call aftershock, for example, last night I read on here about someone's belief that Jesus is coming back this year. Now usually I'd be excited or at least in a good mood thinking about being snatched up in the air to go to Jesus, but a prick of fear hit me, like I wouldn't be caught up in the rapture, but rejected or neglected.
Today I was talking to my dad about bible prophecy as well and he mentioned Jesus' second coming is going to happen soon, and a prick of fear hit me when he said that, with the same feelings.
Now I admit, I slacked off fighting the enemy spiritually, so I have to make sure I keep on this until I'm completely healed. It's just weird how before, and sometimes during this attack, I'm on fire for the Lord, and then this fear crap.
So like this guy said in another thread that I mentioned earlier, where I hand-wrote his stuff down, something very important to take note: no matter how real all of this seems to you, you have to stand on truth.
I really struggled with this. This illusion was very real to me; I've never experienced anything like it before. And it was my first time partaking in such mental warfare.
I had to convince myself of multiple, factual things, such as: Satan is a master deceiver, like a roaring lion, walking about, seeking whom he may devour. He's an accuser of brethren. God is love. God's will is for you to know him, he loves us so much that he sacrificed his only son Jesus Christ, so that we could be with him for eternity. He adopted us in Christ. Jesus' sacrifice was a one time eternal redemption for ALL sins, past, present, future. God's spirit draws us to him, not rejects, and I was finally drawn hook, line and sinker... only for this evil illusion to come upon me and make me think otherwise? God forbid.
To quickly recap:
1. It may feel like you don't have any faith (forgot to mention this earlier), but let's just say I felt like I faithfully had faith even though it felt like I had no faith at all. This may make no sense but I just knew deep down God's word was true even though everything else felt hopeless and contrary. There were times I almost called 911 because I couldn't take it anymore, but I stayed true to God's word and stuck through it, now I'm glad I didn't give in like that, I'd probably be drugged up in a mental asylum right now. I hope this shows God's glory in the power of His word and blesses someone.
2. Speak POSITIVE confessions often and every day. This is important so that God's word can take root in your heart. I spoke probably between 50-70 verses multiple times a day, every day. Most were from the Charles Capps book God's Creative Power, as well as other ones I thought were important. The important thing here is God wants His word flowing through you. His word has to take root in your heart. They have to be meditated on. I remember Monday morning I kept waking up from the attacks but the verses kept running through my head without my doing and I quickly felt better.
3. I rebuked the enemy. I forget exactly which verses they were in Ephesians, but I remember Kenneth Hagin talking about this, that we have spiritual authority over demons. Now there were times early on where I was crying and shouting while doing this, but I needed to exercise everything I could. I did this often to build up confidence. I'm not sure if this really helped me because I don't know if I understood my authority or released any faith.
4. I tried praise and worship music a little bit. It helped me sometimes. Sometimes I'd be jumping up and down and my arms raised singing to the Lord and I'd feel good, and other times it didn't work for me. I'd get tired after awhile doing this too lol.
5. Apply 2 Corinthians 10:3-5. You have to try and force yourself to think differently. Yes, it's hard, but you HAVE to, and for me, I chose to think about God's word.
Here's the thing: One day, the thought "reprobate" or whatever the thought was entered my head, images of hell and damnation were going through my head that scared me, and the next thing you know the devil had a stronghold over me for a couple of weeks.
So I forced myself to think about God's word: The images are hard to create at first in your head (Dickow likened it to the old camera photos needing time to appear in solution), but keep trying and it'll happen. Eventually, I'm imagining all the good God did: Drawing His people out of Israel, or David and the things he accomplished because of God. I had an image go through my head of the people trying to get through the roof so they could let down the sick for Jesus to heal. Stuff like this.
6. I kept thinking about God's love for me. I kept remembering that right before this happened to me, I laid in bed thinking about Jesus and I kept saying "I love you, I love you so much Jesus" and I suddenly had a warmth and love come over me. This kind of goes in hand with the above I guess but I tried to remind myself of things like this constantly.
7. No matter how real, alone, fearful, condemned you feel, YOU HAVE TO STICK THROUGH IT. Satan is deceiving you.
I'll try and clean this up later, because I'm tired and I think I missed some stuff.
Sorry if it is too long, but I felt that this was such an evil illusion to go through, that I really wanted to get this out there in case anyone else is going through the same thing.
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