studying to teach on Tuesday night...

My church has Bible study on Tuesday nights, much like Sunday School. The kids classes have a curriculum, but the adult class doesn't. It's whatever subject the teacher feels led to teach on. Pastor usually teaches the adult class, but he's asked me to take this Tuesday night.

I have a subject on my heart... about what it takes to make a good marriage... and how that translates to our personal relationship with the Lord, as we are espoused to Him.

Here are a few of my notes so far.
Do you have any ideas I could add to it?

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Tonight, I want to explore some ideas about marriage… what makes it work, what makes it fail… and I want this to be more of a group thinking time, instead of just me talking.

Ideas from audience.
What do you think makes an average marriage? A better than average marriage?
What do you think makes a GREAT marriage? (Better than just “good”)

Communication. (what kind—for each level? How often—for each level?)
....Time together. Faithfulness. Interdependence. Mutual respect. Humility.
Vision of the future: expectation.

What makes a bad marriage?
....Selfishness. Unfaithfulness (even only in thought). Unforgiveness. Too much independence. Disrespect (male respect vs female definition). Self-righteousness. Martyrdom (the need for the other to be bad, to make me the good one.) Argumentativeness. Rigid opinionated-ness. Power-struggles.

What do you think is the bare minimum positive needed to avoid divorce?
Sometimes, the only thing that keeps a marriage together, is what a divorce would do to their finances, their children, their individual futures… they know they’d be worse off apart.
“Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em.”

Does a happy marriage just happen?
What can be done to improve a marriage relationship?
Ideas…
(study your mate: learn how to bring them joy... schedule time together… change communication habits… repent of selfishness… learn to respect one another… build a vision of the future, together… refuse to use the “d” word.



Now, I want to change perspective a bit.
Read Eph 5:22-32.

The Scriptures speak of the church as the bride of Christ.
YOU are engaged to marry Jesus.

And I want us to think of our relationship with Him…
This is “home base” in this study tonight.
We are in a love-relationship with Jesus… what kind of relationship are we creating with Him?
We bear responsibility for the kind of relationship we develop and maintain with Him.

He longs for passionate love from us! He loves us so intensely!
Are we choosing to love Him passionately, in return?

What is our expectation from this relationship?
Are we in it for what we can get out of it, or are we in it to bring Him joy?

How do we, as the bride of Christ, fall short the most, in our relationship with Him?
How can we improve our relationship with Him?

Revisit the things that make for a good marriage… see how those things apply to our relationship with Christ.

Conclusion: Rate your relationship with Him.
Are you giving Him the priority of your “first love”?
Or are you settling for just avoiding divorce, because of the eternal consequences?

Takeaway thought: Do more than just assess your relationship.
Determine to implement changes where necessary... because it's the most important relationship in your entire life.

...... any ideas?

drjean said:

I can share that in my former counseling practice I realized that the very things that caused a couple to fall in love were the very things that caused the divorce.

The thrifty person marries the person who is free thinking about spending and prior to marriage enjoys being the object of money spent. In marriage the thrifty person is distraught because the free thinking spender won't keep to a budget and has no worries about bills... etc etc etc The spendthrift admires the thrifty person's abilities to keep track and save money but feels throttled when he/she has to keep track and not spend.

The shy person marries an outgoing person, desiring to be that way, enjoying getting out under the "protection" of a spouse... but can't cope with it continuously, needs to stay in and secluded more, yet spouse won't stay home and just enjoy the company of spouse only....

Let me also share that men don't generally sit down for adult talks, and find them boring. (Maybe they relate them to a mother-son discussion from younger days?) BUT men will talk if they are doing something they enjoy (as long as it doesn't require peace and quiet, as long as that isn't why they do that project!) So going fishing, or shooting hoops or whatever==still an agreed-to, planned "discussion topic" but during an activity.

For a marriage whose "honeymoon" is over... and for those who need to give it "one more try"...suggest they begin dating again. See if they can remember things they did, enjoyed together, dreamed together, prior to marriage. Set the same parameters: a real "date" and time, event. Discussion limited to things they agree upon, enjoy. (No discussing problems!)

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Thank you! Those are interesting points.
The shy person, and the spendthrift... are those actually control issues, perhaps? Power-struggles?
The root issues are fear and control, it seems.

As to the men not wanting to sit and do "adult talks"... There's a huge difference between men and women, I agree. Women enjoy sitting and talking about feelings, face to face. It seems to create claustrophobia in guys to do that. Guys generally bond shoulder-to-shoulder, doing an activity together, often without talking. A face-to-face encounter with a difference of opinion feels like an attack to most guys.

If wives can realize this, and be flexible, they can often create the bond they so crave with their husbands, without much conversation at all. Just being by his side working together, doing things the way he feels comfortable, may bring his self-defense mechanism down, which can create a good domino effect in other areas. If she can remember not to dominate him with ideas (through talking.)

The root problem often is wanting the other to become an extension of the self. Wanting to extend the identity of the self to include the other. This is a personal respect issue. It's disrespectful to require the other to think and act like myself... good boundaries recognizes they are separate people, and need to be themselves.

Psychology is a fascinating field. I expect we may have some lively discussion. It may be difficult to fit the topic into the allotted time.

drjean said:

Absolutely. Pre-marriage counseling is so very important with a good counselor/advisor. If people are marrying to "complete" themselves it won't work. If people are marrying because they are complete and want to "accent" their lives,share love with another, it will work. Unless a person has self confidence and is "well adjusted" with respect to who they are and what they believe, they will not be forever satisfied with life's situations, imo.

Click to expand...

Truth.
Yet, most of us don't really understand and accept ourselves well until we are older adults. I am finally coming to realize who I really am, and am coming to terms with some personal responsibilities. And I'm almost 55.

We are all evolving over the years of our lives. To be able to remain happily married, I think the most important thing is to learn how to put 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 into practice in the marriage relationship. The ability to adapt to another person as they change is not founded in who we are, but in who Christ is, in us. It takes a lot of humility and dying to self to make a marriage work. Because we are all flawed.

Tolworth John said:

What about the issue of 'respect'.
Respect because he is ones husband.
Have a look at this article and see if it helps.
Doug Wilson explains the meaning of love and respect

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I agree completely, Tolworth John.
In fact... I think there's more to this than that article covers.
Women often think they are respecting their husbands, but even yet the husband may feel disrespected.
Why? Because men and women think differently. We have two different ideas of what "respect" actually is. Men live by a different code of respect, than the code women live by. A woman can say things about her best friend to her husband that to him sounds like the friendship is over. But then, she goes out with that same friend in a day or two, and they're still best friends. He's flummoxed! "I thought you hated her!"

So a woman thinks she can say things about her husband the same way... and he senses her attitude, even if she doesn't say those things to his face... and he just feels the vibes, that she doesn't respect him.

She does respect him... but not in the way he needs.
Every wife needs to learn her own husband's "respect code."
And she needs to live by it, as ironclad law.

And just as the article said, women have the same need for love.
But each husband needs to study his wife, and learn what makes her in particular feel loved.
Some wives love cards and flowers and gifts. (For me, flowers are nice, but please spare me the gifts, and especially do NOT give me cards!) Others would prefer a camping and fishing trip together. (I am this kind.) Some want lots of touching, others are more hands-off.

Just as each husband has his "respect code" each woman has her "love language."

And it goes the other way, too.
Men do have a need for love, besides respect. and they have their own love language.
And women have a need for respect. Men disrespect women so much! I have always been treated somewhat as a second-class citizen, by men who always want to dominate. Even in the church, men seem to think they are entitled to lord it over women. God expressly forbids that kind of attitude in Christian leadership. Men wouldn't put up with a pastor trying to lead them spiritually that way... why then do they think God approves of them trying to lead their wives in that manner?

Marriage is all about learning how to be the help that is "meet" or "fitting" to the person you married.
To be like Jesus to them, serving and helping them.
That's what love is.
And to be like the Church ought to be toward Christ... serving and respecting Him.
It goes both ways. Men feel it more keenly when the respect isn't there... but women feel it too.
Women feel it more keenly when the love isn't there... but men feel it too.