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Still Sober in Spite of Myself

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madison1101

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My sponsor and I had a good talk tonight, after my Mom and Sis left. I am still tempted beyond words to get drunk like a skunk, and she reminded me that I have had some huge stressors in the past week. For one thing, I saw my ex on Sunday, and will see him again tomorrow. She has determined that he is a drink to me, so to speak. Also, just having all the family around all week is stressful, even though it is good stuff for the most part.

I have shared with her a deep, dark secret about my therapy. It is not a 4th step issue, so much as a feelings issue. I struggle to admit all of it to my therapist, because it has to do with transference stuff (you therapists should know what that means), and I really feel a deep sense of shame about it. The key thing is, it is a core issue in my drinking and other acting out behaviors, and I really don't want to feel these feelings. I prefer to act them out, and get attention in other ways, other than talking about my feelings.

So, when Mom left this evening, there was fifteen minutes left till the liquor store closed, and I called my sponsor and talked to her for a while.

I feel so insane right now. My sponsor keeps telling me that it is early sobriety. I call it the squirrels are running loose in my head, and I am the nut they are looking for.

Have a great weekend.

Trish
 

BlessEwe

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Wow Trish a whole week with your family in the same house, you made it! For me this is a biggie not having the time in the day to be quiet. I still have my boys at home, but I can go into my room and be quiet. With family or friends here we talk 24/7. Its like we give so much of ourselves, and need to inwardly have the time to reflect and regain strength even when its people that we love.
You are getting stronger, having all the triggers around ( ex) and doing all the right things.
As far as your therapist and the feelings of transference and having the shame, I am curious what your sponsor thinks about it. This is a time Not to have shame in your life.
I actually let go of a sponsor because I was always feeling shameful, like I was always doing something wrong and was scolded like a kid. I thought to myself.. Who needs this, I should be feeling better now that I am not drinking not worse.. Sure enough things got better with another person.

As far as the feelings of crazy... I know what you mean, I did that too and found out in school that it is the brains way of healing, and trying to deal with things without the dopamine, or endorphins ... just keep telling yourself it will get better. Also consider doing some stretching or mild exercise sitting in place if you have to with your foot. I tend to go way overboard with the ice cream if I feel squirrel after a long day. It sorta becomes the obsession so I go back and forth with that one and puts the pounds on fast. Oh one other thing that really helped me so much is natural lavender, I am telling you it really helped. I would and still do take baths and quiet music, it calmed down the squirrels. If you have a natural food store like wholefoods they have it there.
 
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TheMainException

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I know what crazy's like...you're a stronger person than me. I hope to have your kind of strength when I'm 51. At that point, I think i'd be more apt to drown...thinking I'm living on borrowed time anyway.

I love how you still turn it around to others at the end every time...you're very encouraging. I love your soul.
 
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madison1101

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oh, I may have mispoken...the kids and Mom did not stay in my house. One of my shame issues is that my daughter does NOT stay with me because I do not have my own house, but rent an apartment, and her father has a nice big house with his wife.

As for the transference shame stuff, my sponsor is totally supportive and not shaming. She just keeps telling me I am not crazy, and that my therapist understands it all, which I know in my head, but it does not change my feelings. I thank God for her, because she is not a shaming person, but totally supportive.

Just having my daughter and mom in town is a huge trigger for me, plus seeing my ex multiple times in the course of the week.

Trish
 
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madison1101

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I have to laugh at your wonderful youthful outlook. Most people my age do not see ourselves as living on borrowed time. We are still quite young, for the most part. Our bodies don't necessarily like to do things at the speed they once used to, but we are still very vital and energetic, for the most part.

Thanks for your support. I do not see myself as strong. Any strength I have is from the Lord, not my doing.

Trish
 
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TheMainException

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Lol. you are not living on borrowed time...but I hardly even thought I'd make it to 30 (and never can be quite sure)...it's the way I live...wild to the very end.. If I make it to 51, it will be a wonderful thing. (and don't think that I just have a negative outlook, any life I get to live is good...I used to want to die, but now I am happy with life and want to make the best of it...whether I live or die means nothing, I just want to live well and better than I have been).
 
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BlessEwe

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LOL I knew the statement of borrowed time was going to be brought up, but I didn't say anything..HAAA
I used to think 50 was old too, but now that I am here we are still really young, maybe at heart sometimes as the aches and pains are a bit more

Hey look at Jack-L-Lane ( you probably don't even know who he is Main) but that guy is in great shape and mind in his late 80's, he took great care of himself. Hoping I can get myself there after all I did to myself.

Too funny thanks for the great laugh....
 
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TheMainException

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I'm glad you guys think I'm funny. 50's aren't too old...my mom is 53 and she looks awesome and is a top notch runner (for the problems she has with her bones and the disease she has...she's better than most people her age for sure). And my dad's parents are in their 60's and they don't seem old either. I think later 70 and into the 80's, that's when you start to get old...
 
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BobW188

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Something tells me you're going to be called "Borrowed Time" on these threads more than you're called Main Exception. Or find the phrase somehow worked in to a lot of the responses we post to your stuff.

We all had a good laugh. Keep comin' back, BeeTee.
 
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