So Confused... I don't want to be married anymore?

Markus6 · May 15, 2009

I'm not even sure I'm allowed to post here, being unmarried, but I wanted to offer a different take. I think the first thing you need to do to reconcile this marriage is confess your adultery to your husband and deal with that. You seem to have put all the impetus on him to make the marriage work but it is you who have broken your vows. He needs to know the full truth so you can work it out together.

2Confused · May 15, 2009

Thank you Jen...

and Razzelflabben, In my heart I believe God wants me to stay for the children at the moment, that is why I am still here - none of us knows the future except for our Heavenly Father - I have to leave it in his hands and stop worrying. As you know it is so hard to do when you are so desperate and tired of feeling lost and helpless... sometimes it feels like you are screaming but nothing is coming out of your mouth and no one is paying attention... I do understand that:

Without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. ( Hebrews 11:6 )

and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. ( Philippians 4:7 )

I will try and pray my hardest to hold onto my faith...after all, the opposite of faith is worry itself!!!

"Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?" ( Jeremiah 32:27 )

When a man's ways please the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him. ( Proverbs 16:7 )

My prayer is: that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. ( Colossians 1:10 ) Amen!

razzelflabben · May 15, 2009

2Confused said:
Thank you Jen...

and Razzelflabben, In my heart I believe God wants me to stay for the children at the moment, that is why I am still here - none of us knows the future except for our Heavenly Father - I have to leave it in his hands and stop worrying. As you know it is so hard to do when you are so desperate and tired of feeling lost and helpless... sometimes it feels like you are screaming but nothing is coming out of your mouth and no one is paying attention... I do understand that:

Without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. ( Hebrews 11:6 )

and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. ( Philippians 4:7 )

I will try and pray my hardest to hold onto my faith...after all, the opposite of faith is worry itself!!!

"Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?" ( Jeremiah 32:27 )

When a man's ways please the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him. ( Proverbs 16:7 )

My prayer is: that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. ( Colossians 1:10 ) Amen!

I'm not sure you understood what I was saying and certainly don't want to make things harder for you....what I am suggesting is that you ask God to give you what you need, let God decide what you need, not assume to already know it.....hope that didn't step over some line...my prayers today are with your entire family....

2Confused · May 22, 2009

I just wanted to update my post and let you know that I'm just feeling very guilty here that I want "more" from marriage...

I wish I had a partner and someone I could call my better half, and what I struggle with is feeling selfish for wanting something that I can't have, the church and God would look down on me for leaving a marriage that was difficult to bear... I am not being abused... so is this all pettiness on my part... why do I have to dwell on it?

Is it selfish of me... marriage is so hard and without the added benefits of intimacy and connection w/someone why would anyone want to be married anyhow?... so I am feeling a bit cynical...

All is well here - my husband comes home everynight and stays true to me and the kids... I should be happy... I just wonder why I am not... and why do I have to want more?

I wonder if anyone can give some insight on these questions male and female opinions so I can look at both ends of the spectrum here, a good analogy I used for my friend the other day was this: When our bodies are in pain... it is for a reason, to let us know something is wrong and to fix it or take it easy... Is that the same thing w/our emotional side or marriage or whatever you want to call it? Are we in pain for a reason, and if we tried to fix it and it doesn't work then what?

razzelflabben · May 22, 2009

2Confused said:
I wonder if anyone can give some insight on these questions male and female opinions so I can look at both ends of the spectrum here, a good analogy I used for my friend the other day was this: When our bodies are in pain... it is for a reason, to let us know something is wrong and to fix it or take it easy... Is that the same thing w/our emotional side or marriage or whatever you want to call it? Are we in pain for a reason, and if we tried to fix it and it doesn't work then what?

I think there is a reason, a "brokenness" that your emotions are pointing out, but I also think that if you asked God to adjust your emotions, your thoughts, your will to His, not the other way around, you will find peace and joy as you wait for God to intervene in the "broken" areas of your marriage....just my two cents....

Kid Fish · May 22, 2009

Are you sure your husband is straight? I'm not being flippant.

HisdaughterJen · May 22, 2009

razzelflabben said:
I think there is a reason, a "brokenness" that your emotions are pointing out, but I also think that if you asked God to adjust your emotions, your thoughts, your will to His, not the other way around, you will find peace and joy as you wait for God to intervene in the "broken" areas of your marriage....just my two cents....

I agree with this. Our minds have defense mechanisms and ways of coping when our needs aren't being met. Dreams and nightmares are sometimes an outlet for our emotions.

Razzelflabben is right. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to the Lord with my "issue" about my husband (or mother-in-law or whomever) and just let it all out...telling Him exactly what was said or done and what bothers me, expressing my frustration and exasperation...and then asking Him to please deal with them and give me an "attitude adjustment" so that I can get over it and move on. And He does...by the next day, I'm over it...until something new happens and it starts all over again. ha ha

But, having said that, in dealing with the heartache and loneliness and depression of feeling abandoned and despised by my husband/best friend for over two years, God gave me a couple of ways of coping until I could find the strength and self-esteem to make a move. Not only did God become my everything, He gave me...imaginings...like a screen-play in my head. (Maybe people will think it's stupid or silly) In my mind, as I created this story, I was the star of a romantic and exciting adventure where I was loved, admired, desired...and through that, I found the strength I needed to move forward with my life. It forced me to see my strengths and apply them to the story in my mind...and then, in turn, apply them to the life I live. It's a coping mechanism.

(Many women turn to romance novels to fill that need.)

You will find that if you turn your focus from your husband to other things, even doing unpredictable things like leaving him with the kids while you go to a movie by yourself or leaving him home alone while you take the kids on a weekend trip or sign up for a ballroom dancing class without him, he will start to wonder what's up with you. Do things without him. You will have become an enigma once again to him...something that intrigues him...and he will start chasing you again. It could take a couple of weeks or even a couple of months.

Life and relationships are a game that we all have to constantly play. There's no checking out...until you check out. tee hee

2Confused · May 22, 2009

That is so funny you said all that stuff because I do those things already!!! I have been ballrooming for almost 3 years now... I love it and have begged him to do it with me but he is not interested... so I can't force it upon him... and yes, I go out w/my girlfriends - once and while... I don't abuse it... and I love to dress up and be girly girl and feel good... he is not interested... however, once and while he gets angry about it or snippy and that is his issue not mine...

Just don't know what to do w/him anymore, he really does feel like my brother, I love him and care for him and don't want anything bad to happen to him but I am sooooo unfullfilled - why can't Jesus be enough???

HisdaughterJen · May 22, 2009

2Confused said:
That is so funny you said all that stuff because I do those things already!!! I have been ballrooming for almost 3 years now... I love it and have begged him to do it with me but he is not interested... so I can't force it upon him... and yes, I go out w/my girlfriends - once and while... I don't abuse it... and I love to dress up and be girly girl and feel good... he is not interested... however, once and while he gets angry about it or snippy and that is his issue not mine...

Just don't know what to do w/him anymore, he really does feel like my brother, I love him and care for him and don't want anything bad to happen to him but I am sooooo unfullfilled - why can't Jesus be enough???

Yeah, that's funny...I think you and I must be a lot alike.

But, seriously, why would a guy basically ignore his beautiful, active and affectionate wife?

Do you think he knows about the affair but is not telling you that he knows? Maybe it's resentment over it that is causing him to ignore you?
I would suspect it or think maybe he has a problem with the equipment.

Ask him to list his expectations of you as his wife because you want to please him and do the same for him. Give him some time to think it over. I'd get really specific over what you expect of him so that your needs are met. You deserve to have your needs met and so does he.

2Confused · May 22, 2009

Thank you so much for your advice, however... here comes the hard part... my counselors were perplexed and couldn't understand it either...

He has no idea of the affair... 1st of all most of it was an emotional affair - emailing, chatting once and awhile online and talking on the phone occassionaly...we only saw each other about once a year for physical contact... My husband did not even question anything and to this day if I go out he does not call me to check up on me or anything... so I know he didn't find out... I pay all the bills and take care of the money...plus there was no trail... I really didn't want to hurt him, however if something did happen and he found out - to be honest... I would of been relieved so many times I thought not to erase the phone call or leave my computer on... but I didn't... I couldn't do that to him...

2nd... the equipment works - maybe not as good as when he was in his 20's but yes it works lol... (we have been intimate about 1 to 3 times a year max... ) it is really no good for me, I always feel like crying... but I let him do his thing cause I feel bad for being a bad wife...

3rd... We have done the expectations thing... I do not neglect my chores at home, and the only thing he does resent is me being away for class sometimes so I cut it down to once a week instead of twice a week... he knows I have to do this for myself... I work out at home on my elliptical and w/tapes and go for walks so I don't have to belong to a gym which I know he hates...

Now he does want to be married to me... I asked... but, he told me he can't give me the affection the way I need it... now what am I suppossed to do with that information... he can't kiss me? what the heck... I am a hurt girl... and to be quite honest - if he did want to attack me tonight... goodness I would push him away... too much water under the bridge from years of neglect... I don't know and I am praying for God to show me what to do... I just get confused on what His will is sometimes or my own... I wish I could distinguish the voice better... I feel that this relationship is in hopeless mode... I don't think I can go back... I can't forget the hurt from the past even though I have forgiven him...

On top of that... I fell in love w/my affair friend... even though we are apart for the childrens and marriage sake... I can't seem to want anyone else now... goodness, I really didn't know how wonderful it could feel to be with someone you connect with!... I miss that so much!!! But I am afraid of God's wrath if I were to leave my husband so I could find a connection w/another... and my affair friend doesn't want me anyway... he is there for his family and I would never want to break up his home and hurt his family...

btw my friend still calls me to talk and does miss me as I miss him, it's just that now we have become friends only... and we don't want to do the affair thing anymore... His family is now our family friends... don't ask... way too confusing... and crazy that we wanted to meet each others families... I still can't believe we did that... anyways, all I can say is that yes, I was obviously desperate!!

Goodness, it sounds like a lifetime movie w/a horrible ending...

Rotten2Confused...

HisdaughterJen · May 24, 2009

Yeah, I'd be just as confused as you, 2Confused, given the situation. I guess what it all comes down to is deciding what you want and moving forward. One thing I've discovered along the way is that most decisions can be undone. If you decide to separate for awhile, you can always get back together, for example. And sometimes, not making a decision is one of the choices we can make when trying to come up with a decision.

Anyway, a wise man told me a few months ago: "YOU are the only one who can change your life". He said to stop waiting for the decisions to be made for me by circumstances.

If the marriage isn't meeting your needs, what choices do you have?
1. Work on the marriage, if the partner is willing.
2. Leave the marriage.
3. Do nothing and continue the status quo.
4. Do something that would force the circumstances (or your spouse) to make the decision for you.

Regardless of what happens, there will always be consequences, both good and bad, and we have to be willing to accept them and move on.

2Confused · May 24, 2009

Hi Jen, Thank you so much for your encouragment and especially for not judging me, I know I haven't been a Christian wife as I should be... I broke down and gave into my own needs... I have been asking God to help me with this... to take down the barrier I put up and to help me fall back in love with my husband... It just isn't happening... my husband did try this week ( I could tell, but again it's only been a week of him trying and 17 years of me trying... how will I ever get past this??) I wonder if my counselors were right, that after you reach a certain point, there is a point of no returning... I don't know if I can ever get it back for him and I feel guilty for it...Especially because I cheated on him and now in heart I really do love another man which is soooooooooo wrong... I am clueless... I let him go, but he is still there - why?? Why does this have to be so hard and painful and why and how did it ever get so difficult... why couldn't my husband listen to me before... where was he? Wasn't he listening? And now that he finally heard me I don't care anymore!!!

As a Catholic Christian woman, I feel as though I am abandoning a marriage, a family, everything that is important to God, but I am miserable... I know He does not want us to be sad forever but how long will this pain go on? I just can't be with my husband in a wifely mannor anymore... i tried but I can't seem to do it... I nearly cry every time... Something is wrong with me... I am truly broken...

thank you for your encouragement... I will try to reflect and pray this week...

Have a wonderful day, and I am so proud of you for being so strong, you sound so much better Jen! Good for you hun... you are in my thoughts and prayers... 2Confused

myanchor · Jul 24, 2009

Jen and 2confused, yes there are men who adore their wives and tell them and show them. I am now one of them. I wasn't.
Books I've read that helped:

His needs her needs
for men only
how we love
love and respect, and going to the conference.
cracking the communication code
Life Recovery Bible.

And it took my realization that she is to be second after God, but before everything else period.

I bring her flowers on an irregular basis, because I don't want her to get to the point like she once did of, oh more flowers.
I tell her I love her legs, cause I do.
I tell her I love how her skin is like silk.
I love her zany sense of humor and tell her so.

I found out from her what her main love language is and I work for it.

And ladies even though he is an idiot, he is your idiot. When he tries, don't kick that little puppy, he will just give up. He needs encouragement from you about how to love you best. It seemed for a long time whatever I did to express my love was the wrong thing. I kept on, and she eventually started praising me for my efforst. That was crucial for me.

And dear one, you do have to tell him sometime about your cheating.

k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe · Sep 9, 2009

Markus6 said:
I'm not even sure I'm allowed to post here, being unmarried, but I wanted to offer a different take. I think the first thing you need to do to reconcile this marriage is confess your adultery to your husband and deal with that. You seem to have put all the impetus on him to make the marriage work but it is you who have broken your vows. He needs to know the full truth so you can work it out together.

I think Markus is spot on. Moving forward with your husband will be difficult unless you open up and are truthful about the affair. For your marriage's sake, lay everything on the table.

JohnDB · Sep 10, 2009

How about a peek into the future?

If you were to run off with this guy that you had an affair with...sure for a time you get all of that attention and affection that you want...but soon all that sort of thing starts to fade...he gets used to you and you to him. So...he begins to all of a sudden find reasons to work late or out of town. If a man has no respect for your marriage what makes you think that he is going to respect his own? He won't.

So...in the end you will be alone and humiliated. You definately do not want that now do you? And the chances of finding another guy are slim to none. Women at your age outnumber the guys 4 to 1.

Here's the rub. It took a long time to get the marriage you now have in the condition it presently is in. It is going to take almost as long to get it out of that condition. Most of the changes occurring in you. Your husband loves you immensely. He has put up with all of your demands and times that you don't respect him in words and deeds now for 17 years...and he has stayed with you.

When you are disrespectful towards him it absolutely kills his desire for you. (it doesn't have to be verbal) He won't feel like being intimate with you. But he actually has been when you have demanded it...again more pressure on his waning libido which you have crushed.

He has tried to share with you all kinds of things that are important to him. You have been completely disinterested. (he knows when you are faking it and when you show genuine concern...you have been married long enough for him to recognize your moods) He is sharing what is intimate knowledge of his heart and you have treated it like yesterday's newspaper. Everytime you do that he absolutely doesn't want intimacy with you. It is his protection from getting hurt again by you.

I know you don't want to hear this...it isn't pretty or fun. But if you can somehow start to show genuine concern and respect and admiration of his thoughts and feelings and desires. (which is his heart) you will find a husband that all of a sudden cannot keep his hands off of you. A guy's libido for his wife is directly proportional to the respect he gets from his wife. If you want to be one of his biggest desires there is one sure way to get it. Be a help-mate and do what you can to help him attain his desires.

So Confused... I don't want to be married anymore?

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