Should I feel guilty about not "trying" anymore?

Well Irv, you are definitely in a tough spot.

Since your wife has informed you that she is done there is nothing more you can do, really. BUT GOD, can. He is able to do amazing and miraculous things. Turn your wife over to Him and pray for her as scripture commands. Talk to God about His will for you and your marriage. We know the He hates divorce, there is no doubt about that, but He also deals with us on our own playing field and meets us where we are at.

It's imperative that you discern His plan for you and then you need to follow that plan. Don't set your heart on any outcome other than that which He sets for you.

Hang in there!

God Bless
Bob,
Spearfish, SD

"If of herself she will not love, nothing can make her." You should be at peace with God's will.

BrBob has the right of it. Seek God's will. We have no power of our own we can't see into the future, but He knows what His plan is for this. The Holy Spirit can work in her. No don't feel guilty for not wanting to work on it any more, it's not your work to do. Keep praying that He'll guide you, He will.

IrvRiv said:

Thanks for the responses... I agree with you Mobiosity that it's not my work to do... I think I've done all I can at this point.

Now if I could just figure this "God's Will" thing out...

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If you can figure it out, please tell me how you did it.

I'm in the same boat, except no kids.

God's will is what is. Petra has a song about God having the whole world in his hands which seems to help me with God's will when I lose perspective.

I she wants out, and files for divorce then it is all over - her call. You cannot change her mind. You need to accept that fact, and begin to sort out where to from here.

John
NZ

IrvRiv said:

Yeah I hear ya.... I've read other people's posts about being ecstatic that everything is finally over and I can say I completely understand that... I'm sure it will be bittersweet but I just want to put this chapter of my life behind me.

I never thought I would be at the point where I'm saying, "Whatever God, just do what you want, I have no idea what I'm doing" but I am. Sometimes I'm bitter but at least I know that I'm not trying to take control of the situation... that's what got me in this mess anyway. I think the next step is to start the looong process of forgiveness....

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Please know that God sometimes needs us to get to just that place, so we get out of the way and He can start doing with and for us. This is what I'm dealing with right now, but I see God keeping me from doing things that I wanted to do, that I thought would be good or that I should do and immediately afterward, well, the next day or a couple of weeks afterward I find out why they wouldn't have worked and would have cost me money. He needs me where I am right now and He needs you where you are right now. Keep praying and seeking His will, in time you will know His will.

I can understand the frustration of separation, and the guilty feeling of want to move on. I am still in the first throws of separation, however I can understand the desire to want to move on. My "spouse" moved us out of state and then asked me to leave with the kids. I wasn't surprised really, and kinda of relieved. He likes to yell a lot. However, I prayed and still pray for strength so I can help him better or make him relax more. I can pray until I am blue in the face but until he realizes that his anger is getting worse and more hands on I can not be with him.
Me and my kids are staying with my dad until we get on our feet, but my ex never calls to see or spend any time with the kids. The only time he wants to come over is after the kids are in bed and he wants me to cook him dinner. When he does happen to be with the kids for more then ten minutes he starts yelling again. I am at wits end... I know this separation is new but I think I have been gone for a long time inside. All I know is it is my job to protect my kids. So I pray to god and hand it to him to help me. Through god all things are possible.

don't feel guilty.. it's hard to continue to be dedicated to someone who isn't dedicated to you. When you're fighting for them and they're requesting distance then it's natural to give in to their wishes. Don't think about it as giving up, but rather just accepting her decision.

no, dont ever ever give up. God Himself says He hates divorce, after all. its just Satan workin in and thru your wife and tryin to make you give up Im sure. You really shouldnt let nethin and esp. neone get in the way. You say you feel you dont like her rite now, but thats what family is usually like. You dont always like your family but your tied to them neway, and you didn't even choose them but God wants you to try with your family (when they're around). So how much more should you keep on trying with someone you did choose. Just like you wouldnt (a decent person wouldnt neway, esp a Christian) dump your own mother off somewhere if she became particularly difficult to deal w/ and you had to live w/ her, you should persevere with your wife (who is family) in the same way. It is possible to cut ties with anyone, incl. your mother, but God never wishes we do that with those that we seemingly by chance "go together" w/ in life. The biggest thing to watch out for is that the devil would prob send along sb your way at this time who he makes seem attractive to you when they normally wouldnt seem so, in order to throw you off track, get me? Now, the thing to do is to avoid them at all costs, which you, sounding clever as you do, will surely be able to do very well. And that for both of yourself but esp. for the sake of that other person who surely doesnt need greater bad luck in their lives (and we all have some bad luck one way or another). Sure you get that too. Well, carry on.

IrvRiv said:

I've been separated about 10 months... I posted my sob story on these forums shortly after if anybody remembers but I doubt it...

Anyway, I tried pretty hard for 8 1/2 months to save my marriage--went to counseling for several months, called my spouse a couple times a week, read all sorts of self help books about marriage, love, etc. and I even accepted Christ and was baptized last December.

The last few months before I "gave up" I didn't mention divorce or separation at all to my spouse. I didn't want to force her hand or whatever. But finally, I needed to know what was going on... She kinda led me on a couple times and I wondered if she was still pursuing a divorce. So I asked her, "What's going on between us? I'm confused?" And she reiterated to me that she still wants a divorce and that she intends to file as soon as the 1 year waiting period is over. She told me that she only wants me in her life as a father to our son, that there will never be anything between us again.

Time and time again throughout the separation I got my hopes up and she crushed them over and over. But this particular time, it REALLY messed me up. There's only so much rejection a person can take you know before they finally push you away completely and you just give up.

I feel no hope for my situation... I'm trying to be realistic because hope has only led to disaster. For the longest time, I blamed myself completely for everything that happened... but it's been a while now and I can see that my wife is a different person now and although I love her, I sure as heck don't LIKE her. Anyway, I'm beating around the bush so I'll come right out and ask:

Should I feel guilty about not trying to save my marriage anymore? I pray kinda half-heartedly now about it too because I just don't think it can be saved. I never thought I would get to this point but I just want to MOVE ON. But sometimes I feel bad because I remembered how dedicated I was to trying to the very end. Now when I think about going back to that mode of being ultra faithful to an underserving spouse, I just think of it as masochism. Why would I want to hurt myself like that again?

Anyway, sorry about the length but thank you for reading .

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posted twice

IrvRiv said:

Hmm... sounds like you were in an abusive situation and your estranged spouse needs some serious help.

I had an anger management problem and I'm sure it contributed to why my sbex left the way she did (she cleaned out the apartment during the day while I was at work and I arrived to a practically empty apartment

But it took just that, "tough love" if you will, for me to seek help. What helped me control my anger I think was understanding why I was angry all the time.. It was almost like I was angry and disappointed with myself and had no clue and took it out on others. It didn't help that I was addicted to online gaming too either hehe. Side note: Now SHE is the one with the anger problem and I'm the "nice" one.

I remember when it first dawned on me that I didn't love myself. In my opinion, it is nearly impossible to love someone the "right" way if you don't even love yourself. Anyway, I would suggest that he get help... and meds. Although, and I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, most men aren't willing to do what I did. Not that it matters, despite everything, she still hasn't returned and that's one of the reasons I know it's not JUST me.

Anyway, I would highly suggest finding a support group. Friends and family are great, but they are partial and can give crappy advice, and oftentimes don't see the big picture... particularly if they've never been through a separation or divorce themselves.

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IrvRiv

It is an abusive relationship and has been for several years. I put up with it for the kids sake and the fact that the kids never got the abuse. I always tookresponsiblity for the kids so he would leave them a lone. He is a good guy deep down but he has major anger and control issues. I pray for him daily, and I pray for god to forgive me for a divorce. I just have to move on with my life for my kids sake and my sake.

I wish he would get the counciling like you did. I have tried and he want to one session but he refuses to go again.

allthatisgone said:

no, dont ever ever give up. God Himself says He hates divorce, after all. its just Satan workin in and thru your wife and tryin to make you give up Im sure. You really shouldnt let nethin and esp. neone get in the way. You say you feel you dont like her rite now, but thats what family is usually like. You dont always like your family but your tied to them neway, and you didn't even choose them but God wants you to try with your family (when they're around). So how much more should you keep on trying with someone you did choose. Just like you wouldnt (a decent person wouldnt neway, esp a Christian) dump your own mother off somewhere if she became particularly difficult to deal w/ and you had to live w/ her, you should persevere with your wife (who is family) in the same way. It is possible to cut ties with anyone, incl. your mother, but God never wishes we do that with those that we seemingly by chance "go together" w/ in life. The biggest thing to watch out for is that the devil would prob send along sb your way at this time who he makes seem attractive to you when they normally wouldnt seem so, in order to throw you off track, get me? Now, the thing to do is to avoid them at all costs, which you, sounding clever as you do, will surely be able to do very well. And that for both of yourself but esp. for the sake of that other person who surely doesnt need greater bad luck in their lives (and we all have some bad luck one way or another). Sure you get that too. Well, carry on.

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I have to interject here....

First off, if you are a true believer of Jesus and accept your vows as perscribed then you are right in the eyes of God. You can not force her to stay. Jesus says, that to him, divorce is not an option, However, she broke her vows with you by choosing to leave after all that you tried to accomplish in saving the relationship. YOU are being faithful to your vows, she is not.

Forcing the issue with her will not work, trust me...I was the one stalked...and being pushed DOES NOT work. Be the man she should have been married to in the beginning and be the example of a righteous husband in front of her. Give her ample time to see the changes before you relent to signing papers. Always show kindness and mercy to her. Don't nag the issue with her.

Finally, read in the NT about marriage and unequally yokes marriages. This means between believers and non-believers of God. Intermarriges were rampant throught the Bible where Jews were marrying pagan worshipping women. What a headache that was for God. So if she is chosing to leave she is either: A)not a TRUE believer and follower of Jesus' teachings or B)she is denoucing the commandment and you are instructed in the Bible to let her go. HOWEVER, it does not relieve you of your commitment to her. Your vows are void ONLY if she commits adultry against you (which will inevitably happen unless she never has sex again). Then you will be free of your commitment to her.

People have become lax in marriage and divorce, it's all too easy to just give up and start again (myself included). It is no longer the Holy Bond that God intends it to be. Humans have mucked that up too. Young people just don't realize how serious this decision needs to be (myself included.)

I have since accepted that I made my mistakes outside of God's will because I turned my back on my faith. I was young, naive and married for the wrong reasons each time. I have to live with my error and their consequences.

With all that said, I only want to stress to you that I am not preaching nor judging what you did or should do. I am merely giving you sound basis on how you should handle the situation since I was the one that left and what I would have been receptive to.