Shallow

Laurie919 · Apr 28, 2007

My other thread got me thinking about being shallow. I use to weight 285 lbs and a man would never get past looking at me. I don't think I was unattractive, I was just fat, which I guess is not very attractive now is it?

Even when I was fat I would not seriously date a guy I didn't think was attractive and I didn't want a fat guy like me. I met and went out with for a while this guy who was wonderful to me, he treated me like a princess but I wasn't physically attracted to him. That and he was a nice guy and I didn't know how to handle that.

Finally I have realized that there is more to a person than looks. I finally just want someone who loves the Lord, that will work (bad experiences with the ex-husband), who loves me, loves my daughter and will be good to us.

It took me 36 years to get over being shallow, but I think I am finally there.

Stratiotes · Apr 28, 2007

I really wish I could feel that way myself. I try to tell myself I don't care that much about looks, but when it comes down to it, every girl I've been attracted to, the initial attraction was at least 50% looks. I know I'd be a much happier man if I could get over this because there are many wonderful girls I'm overlooking I'm sure. But it doesn't seem to be something that I can control. If the initial attraction isn't there, I don't see how it's possible to pursue a relationship. It is great that you've done it though! I really admire that.

joanna1 · Apr 28, 2007

Funny you've posted that. When i was 18 i met this guy i clicked with but who was slightly shorter than me and had a few... "physical quirks"... like crooked teeth ect. Well I wasn't attracted in a romantic sense, because he wasn't tall dark and handsome... Then with the years passing by, i started to realise that all the qualities that really mattered to me he did have... And i saw him again recently. He's now put on a lot of weight, and is objectively less good-looking than at the time, but now i am attracted to him...

I've realised that of all the qualities i'm looking for in a man, physical attractiveness is not on the priority list. I have met a couple of guys who do have the looks and the faith and good job ect recently... And comparing my feelings towards them has made me realise i don't want to compromise on personality depth and intelligence for the sake of looks I guess that's shallow in another way though... We all have shallow layers and deeper ones after all

eatenbylocusts · Apr 28, 2007

Stratiotes said:
I really wish I could feel that way myself. I try to tell myself I don't care that much about looks, but when it comes down to it, every girl I've been attracted to, the initial attraction was at least 50% looks. I know I'd be a much happier man if I could get over this because there are many wonderful girls I'm overlooking I'm sure. But it doesn't seem to be something that I can control. If the initial attraction isn't there, I don't see how it's possible to pursue a relationship. It is great that you've done it though! I really admire that.

If you're talking to women as a friend, some of that attraction can happen later. Unless you only talk to women who spark an interest for romance. I think that someone of your age who recognizes that he could be missing out by just dating the "pretty" ones is on the right track.

eatenbylocusts · Apr 28, 2007

I will go out with just about any Christian man once as long as his appearance doesn't terrify me. Call me cynical, but the really cute guys seem shallow, so often I will just glance at them and dismiss them as a possibility. I have found that a nerdy type can suddenly become very sexy to me when he talks about his values.

Realistically though, I have recently realized that a man in his mid to late 40's who still has no interest in taking care of his body will not be a compatible fit for me. A slightly overweight man is fine, as long as he is making efforts to be healthy with exercise and food. But, to salt your fried chimichanga!!!!! Adios.

Beautiful Fireball · Apr 28, 2007

Looks do matter to me, but I don't mean that they have to be attractive by the world's standards me for me be attracted. As long as I find them physically attractive, along with a good spiritual life and confidence, then its all good.

RonnyRulz · Apr 28, 2007

I don't mind how they look, because I've learned that the physical doesn't matter, it's the heart and personality that matter, and if God tells me they're the one or not. It's not my requirement for them to be attractive, it's just my desire. My only requirement is they be perfect for me by being the women God promised and made for me.

But of course, I really want an attractive wife, and I really don't think God is going to let me down.

I really don't care if other people don't believe in spiritmates, soulmates, or that God talks to me or promised me a wife made just for me. It wouldn't be the first time in my life where people thought I was crazy because of my relationship with God, and it won't be the first time that when God fulfills His promise and I'm incredibly happy, they are standing in disbelief cause God proved it's true.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
And I fully delight myself in Him, so He is fully giving me my two biggest desires! (More of Him, and second my perfect wife made just for me). And so much more!

I can't wait to see how hot she is! haha!
But you know what....even if she isn't beautiful on the outside, God has a reason for that, and I know I'll still love her. When it boils down to it, ESPECIALLY if you're going to live with the person every day of your life, it's the inside that matters, not the outside.

Excluding that the only right choice is God's choice, let's just say people have to pick their own mates. Those who pick an attractive person with 90% of an amazing personality over an unattractive person with 100% of an amazing personality are complete and total fools. When the time comes and you realize you are spending every single day with your new spouse, I guarantee if you're developing and growing, you'll realize how little the outside matters, and how important the inside does. I'd take an unattractive girl that's amazing inside over an attractive girl that's just great inside any day of the week.

AWorkInProgress · Apr 28, 2007

Laurie919 said:
My other thread got me thinking about being shallow. I use to weight 285 lbs and a man would never get past looking at me. I don't think I was unattractive, I was just fat, which I guess is not very attractive now is it?

Even when I was fat I would not seriously date a guy I didn't think was attractive and I didn't want a fat guy like me. I met and went out with for a while this guy who was wonderful to me, he treated me like a princess but I wasn't physically attracted to him. That and he was a nice guy and I didn't know how to handle that.

Finally I have realized that there is more to a person than looks. I finally just want someone who loves the Lord, that will work (bad experiences with the ex-husband), who loves me, loves my daughter and will be good to us.

It took me 36 years to get over being shallow, but I think I am finally there.

Congrats! Makes my day to hear that. Goal is love someone for who they are, now what they look like. What good are all the looks if person has no soul.

RonnyRulz · Apr 28, 2007

AWorkInProgress said:
Congrats! Makes my day to hear that. Goal is love someone for who they are, now what they look like. What good are all the looks if person has no soul.

Amen to that!

NoHoldingBack · Apr 28, 2007

Physical attraction varies from person to person. Facial characteristics and other things that people cannot change should not have an impact. However, one's physical shape is something that almost anyone can maintain barring any physical or limiting disabilty.

I do a lot of running, swimming, cardio, etc and keep myself in very good shape. It is very difficult but I know that it is what God wants me to do. The body is the temple for the soul and challenging exercise is what helps keep it in tune. I would expect my partner to do the same.

This is one of the things that contributed to the splitting up of my ex and me. In the beginning, she was fit and we worked out together. As time went on, I kept fit and she slacked off. It would have been one thing if she had some disability that kept her from doing it, but it was just plain laziness and lack of motivation.

Another thing, exercising together with your partner is a great way to increase the spiritual bond. You can push each other through God's will. It can be very uplifting!

eatenbylocusts · Apr 28, 2007

RonnyRulz said:
I don't mind how they look, because I've learned that the physical doesn't matter, it's the heart and personality that matter, and if God tells me they're the one or not. It's not my requirement for them to be attractive, it's just my desire. My only requirement is they be perfect for me by being the women God promised and made for me.

But of course, I really want an attractive wife, and I really don't think God is going to let me down.

I really don't care if other people don't believe in spiritmates, soulmates, or that God talks to me or promised me a wife made just for me. It wouldn't be the first time in my life where people thought I was crazy because of my relationship with God, and it won't be the first time that when God fulfills His promise and I'm incredibly happy, they are standing in disbelief cause God proved it's true.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
And I fully delight myself in Him, so He is fully giving me my two biggest desires! (More of Him, and second my perfect wife made just for me). And so much more!

I can't wait to see how hot she is! haha!
But you know what....even if she isn't beautiful on the outside, God has a reason for that, and I know I'll still love her. When it boils down to it, ESPECIALLY if you're going to live with the person every day of your life, it's the inside that matters, not the outside.

Excluding that the only right choice is God's choice, let's just say people have to pick their own mates. Those who pick an attractive person with 90% of an amazing personality over an unattractive person with 100% of an amazing personality are complete and total fools. When the time comes and you realize you are spending every single day with your new spouse, I guarantee if you're developing and growing, you'll realize how little the outside matters, and how important the inside does. I'd take an unattractive girl that's amazing inside over an attractive girl that's just great inside any day of the week.

I hope we're both still posting here after you meet her and I get to hear your story. I just put a Miracle Lift Mask on my face so I'm trying not to cry.

At the same time it makes me so sad how critical my Christian 50 yr old ex-bf was and the comments he made about my weight, telling me my ex-h probably wouldn't have cheated if I'd weighed less. And I hope no one actually believes that. Men cheat on their sexy wives too. My ex-h came from Central America and had different attitudes about weight. He saw me at my thinnest and the heaviest after our first child; it didn't affect the bedroom at all.

God bless you.

eatenbylocusts · Apr 28, 2007

NoHoldingBack said:
This is one of the things that contributed to the splitting up of my ex and me. In the beginning, she was fit and we worked out together. As time went on, I kept fit and she slacked off. It would have been one thing if she had some disability that kept her from doing it, but it was just plain laziness and lack of motivation.

I know you said this was one thing, but are you saying the thought went through your mind that your marriage should end because she wasn't taking care of herself?

NoHoldingBack · Apr 28, 2007

eatenbylocusts said:
I know you said this was one thing, but are you saying the thought went through your mind that your marriage should end because she wasn't taking care of herself?

No, the thought that went through my mind was that I was going to be with a lazy fat person for the rest of my life. I was prepared for the long haul. She ended up doing the leaving and that was fine by me.

Sorry if that sounds blunt and shallow, but I was terribly miserable in that relationship. I doubt I will ever marry again.

eatenbylocusts · Apr 28, 2007

NoHoldingBack said:
No, the thought that went through my mind was that I was going to be with a lazy fat person for the rest of my life. I was prepared for the long haul. She ended up doing the leaving and that was fine by me.

Sorry if that sounds blunt and shallow, but I was terribly miserable in that relationship. I doubt I will ever marry again.

Glad you clarified that. The women and some of the men would've been all over you for that.

Give yourself time to heal.

RonnyRulz · Apr 28, 2007

eatenbylocusts said:
I hope we're both still posting here after you meet her and I get to hear your story. I just put a Miracle Lift Mask on my face so I'm trying not to cry.

At the same time it makes me so sad how critical my Christian 50 yr old ex-bf was and the comments he made about my weight, telling me my ex-h probably wouldn't have cheated if I'd weighed less. And I hope no one actually believes that. Men cheat on their sexy wives too. My ex-h came from Central America and had different attitudes about weight. He saw me at my thinnest and the heaviest after our first child; it didn't affect the bedroom at all.

God bless you.

aw I hope so too! Especially so I can brag about her cause she'll be so amazing

Also I agree, husands do cheat on their wives, regardless of how they look, their weight, or anything physical.
Some husbands have super-model good looking wives with super fit bodies of a really young person and are 10000x better looking than their husbands, but their husbands still cheat on them anyways.

Your ex-h would have cheated on you the same if your weight was different. Saying he wouldn't have if you lost weight is just mean and stupid of that guy to say. I'm sorry to hear all that. People should never have to go through their spouses cheating on them. :'( And I'm glad you didn't stick with your ex-bf, because no women deserves to hear hurtful comments like that.

NoHoldingBack · Apr 28, 2007

eatenbylocusts said:
Glad you clarified that. The women and some of the men would've been all over you for that.

Give yourself time to heal.

I was a good husband. Wait, I was a GREAT husband. My wife never did anything around the house. I cooked, cleaned the house, made up the beds, did the laundry, all at the same time I was holding a job and working on my masters degree. I waited on her hand and foot. I suppose I spoiled her and that was the problem. I made her feel like she could do nothing wrong in my eyes. I think that is what the problem was. Toward the end of the relationship I was getting completely burned out. Things were falling apart. I didn't have the energy and I was getting no support on the homefront. So she left and headed out to greener pastures. I wish her nothing but happiness in her quest.

Beauty4Ashes · Apr 28, 2007

I don't like really attractive model-esque guys. They often seem shallow to me and in some respects not as trustworthy. I like guys with great character(which includes how they love God, treat others, and the decisions/integrity they uphold in life) That being said, there also needs to be an intelligence level there as I've known guys that fit this profile but were not quite as intelligent as I would feel compatible with, so I just couldnt find myself attracted to them. Physical appearance does come into play in some respects of course but it's certainly not the intial grounds, as in I'm not usually that attracted to the person right off the bat.........first become attracted to their character, then the rest falls into play.....as long as they aren't a complete eyesore OR a complete stud. I like kind that fall in the middle category but who are also somewhat unique types.

simmeringabsolute · Apr 28, 2007

I try not to show a girl special attention until I know somewhat what she is like and who she is as a person. So many outwardly attractive women are just terrible people and I would hate to contribute to their ego. A woman's goodness really does illuminate her outward beauty. I recall in the past first meeting one women and thinking her sort of weird looking, then getting to know her and thinking her the most adorable thing I've ever met... Looks are important, but it's a threshold matter and I think for goodly people the bar is set ultimately pretty low.

MatthewBartholomew · Apr 29, 2007

Laurie919 said:
My other thread got me thinking about being shallow. I use to weight 285 lbs and a man would never get past looking at me. I don't think I was unattractive, I was just fat, which I guess is not very attractive now is it?

Even when I was fat I would not seriously date a guy I didn't think was attractive and I didn't want a fat guy like me. I met and went out with for a while this guy who was wonderful to me, he treated me like a princess but I wasn't physically attracted to him. That and he was a nice guy and I didn't know how to handle that.

Finally I have realized that there is more to a person than looks. I finally just want someone who loves the Lord, that will work (bad experiences with the ex-husband), who loves me, loves my daughter and will be good to us.

It took me 36 years to get over being shallow, but I think I am finally there.

Correct most people do not feel that obesity is an attractive trait in a mate.

Why shouldn't you date someone you are attracted to? If your not sexually attracted to the person, why would you date them?

Wanting to be with someone you are attracted to is NOT shallow.
It's how we are wired.

I think you over spiritualizing relationships here. Do you want a husband, a lover, a companion...or just a friend?

joyouspirit · Apr 29, 2007

NoHoldingBack said:
I was a good husband. Wait, I was a GREAT husband. My wife never did anything around the house. I cooked, cleaned the house, made up the beds, did the laundry, all at the same time I was holding a job and working on my masters degree. I waited on her hand and foot. I suppose I spoiled her and that was the problem. I made her feel like she could do nothing wrong in my eyes. I think that is what the problem was. Toward the end of the relationship I was getting completely burned out. Things were falling apart. I didn't have the energy and I was getting no support on the homefront. So she left and headed out to greener pastures. I wish her nothing but happiness in her quest.

Oh goodness my ex should have taken a crash course with you (just kidding)....
I might have to agree on you, that you did spoil her, I always believe in moderation.
Well, we learn from our mistakes....

God bless!!!

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