Sexual issues with fiance threatening to destroy us

Excuse my last post, I did not read Jacob's second post! Great job with the counsellor. That she broke down and cried, and that she listed 4-5 times a week shows that it was the influence of others disturbing her. Someone had corrupted her perception of what sex and sex in marriage was. Excellent that you agreed to wait till marriage to fool around. *Pat on the back* keep treating her well and hold her hand and ensure that Godly influences surround her always. you too, be a huge source of GODLY incfluence for her. But don't be to obvious in trying to reduce her sister's influence. Her sister could use that as an argument that you are trying to break them up and cause enimity. So, reduce her sister's influence slowly with wisdom, firmness, love, prayer, and persistence.

PeacE!

Hopefully talking to this councilor has enlightened her to the fact that sex is important in a marriage and that having it is important for the marriage.

I would talk to her about sex after the wedding and see if she's changed her mind about sex after the wedding too. I would just hope that she has changed her mind.

I don't know if you've planned your honeymoon yet, but I want to put it out there that it's important to leave yourself plenty of time to have sex at a relaxed pace.

One of the best things my wife and I did was we went to a nice hotel after the wedding and we stayed 2 nights there. This way we where not pressured the next morning to get up and rush off trying to travel someplace.

The wedding is pretty tiring and it would suck to have to come to the hotel late, hopefully fit in a little sex in there, and wake yourself up early at like 7 am to rush off to where ever you are going.

This allowed us only to have sex a couple of times on the wedding night (without having to worry about getting enough sleep to get up the next day), but it also allowed us to really just spend time together and talk about the whole day, rest and just take it easy.

I can not recommend enough giving yourself that one day after the wedding to just relax before you go running off to your destination (wherever that might be).

For the sex it's just nice to be able to take your time, especially when you need to learn what to do. Because the first time is awkward and rarely goes smoothly, as you get more experienced with eachother, it becomes less awkward and it goes a lot more smoothly, and it usually becomes a lot better in the process.

Having sex multiple times a week or once a month or once a year are all considered normal, depending on the couple. Just make sure you are communicating openly with each other and all will be A-OK!

tisasituation said:

Having sex multiple times a week or once a month or once a year are all considered normal, depending on the couple. Just make sure you are communicating openly with each other and all will be A-OK!

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While I get that there are different amounts and it depends on the couple. . . there is a such thing as sex occuring too rarely for 2 married individuals who are otherwise healthy.

Once a month is REALLY pushing it and once a year is far too little.

I love my wife and everything but if back when we where dating or engaged, if she had suggested that once a year was normal. . . for any otherwise healthy couple, the relationship would have been over.

I guarentee if the quantity of sex is once per year in a marriage of 2 otherwise healthy people. . . one or both of those people is at least considering divorce.

Luther073082 said:

I don't know if you've planned your honeymoon yet, but I want to put it out there that it's important to leave yourself plenty of time to have sex at a relaxed pace.

One of the best things my wife and I did was we went to a nice hotel after the wedding and we stayed 2 nights there. This way we where not pressured the next morning to get up and rush off trying to travel someplace.

The wedding is pretty tiring and it would suck to have to come to the hotel late, hopefully fit in a little sex in there, and wake yourself up early at like 7 am to rush off to where ever you are going.

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That can be rough. We were married close to Christmas when flights were hard to get, in a country that has LATE wedding parties. Ours went to around 11. We were tired from moving to our new house that week, photos, and all the wedding prep. Parents came in from out of town and weren't there to prep, and a lot of people had commitments due to the holidays.

We even had one of our friends follow us to the hotel room after the party, for a piece of wedding cake! And my virgin bride had told her she could have one along with it. Instead of telling her to scram, I just stayed by the elevator so she'd feel rushed. she asked why I was doing that. I said there was something I wanted to do. She said, oh yeah, carry your wife over the threshold. Uh, yeah, that. Good thing she reminded me. She only took a minute to get the cake, fortunately. I'd been waiting 27 years to have sex with my wife, and she was getting in my way.

Fast forward... The next morning we had a morning flight with a stop over in South Korea. After 8 hours on a plane, at least we were in a similar time zone and had a couple of days to relax and spend time together. The outside wasn't too appealing since it was so cold and windy. Sounded like a good plan. after a day or two, my wife did want to go see the world's largest church. She'd never been there before. I'd lived in Korea. So we went there. We did spend a fair amount of time in the hotel before the next leg of the trip.

We were under schedule constraints to get tickets that time of year so she could meet my relatives for the first time over the holidays and all that good stuff, so we didn't have a lot of options if we wanted to do that. But I think getting away to a comfortable hotel where people won't bug you or try to prank you for a couple of days where there is nothing much to do and you have to entertain yourself is a great idea.

JacobOfEsthar said:

IOf course my numbers were much higher than hers, but I was surprised to see that she listed a total of about 4-5 times a month! I was confused after she told me that she only thought we'd do it once a month.

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I don't think you should break it off or anything, since you are already engaged. (I think breakups should happen BEFORE engagement, provided you've gotten her father's permission already. Bethrothal in the OT required divorce. ) If you've 'fooled around' short of intercourse and taken some of her innocence away, no you should not break up.

That being said, I'm glad to hear of the improvements in her attitude. Maybe you can convince her that her sister needs to see a counselor. If her thinking got straightened out, that may prevent you two from having some problems down the road.

Still 4-5 times a month for someone that young sounds like a starvation diet to me, especially considering your own needs. Hopefully, she can get to a point where she thinks in terms of doing whatever it takes to meet your needs (and vice versa). I don't think 'no' is a word that belongs in the marriage bed. If there is an issue, like menstruation, sickness, or pain, you can apologize and point out the problem. If someone does not wish to participate because of a fast, that needs to be agreed on beforehand. Otherwise, why deny a partner? Rights to one another's bodies go with the marriage covenant, and each should seek to please the other and not allow the other to be tempted unnecessarily.

I haven't read the whole book, but 'The Excellent Wife' has some thing along these lines in it.

Yeah, we did not tell anyone where we were staying, either.

LinkH said:

That can be rough. We were married close to Christmas when flights were hard to get, in a country that has LATE wedding parties. Ours went to around 11. We were tired from moving to our new house that week, photos, and all the wedding prep. Parents came in from out of town and weren't there to prep, and a lot of people had commitments due to the holidays.

We even had one of our friends follow us to the hotel room after the party, for a piece of wedding cake! And my virgin bride had told her she could have one along with it. Instead of telling her to scram, I just stayed by the elevator so she'd feel rushed. she asked why I was doing that. I said there was something I wanted to do. She said, oh yeah, carry your wife over the threshold. Uh, yeah, that. Good thing she reminded me. She only took a minute to get the cake, fortunately. I'd been waiting 27 years to have sex with my wife, and she was getting in my way.

Fast forward... The next morning we had a morning flight with a stop over in South Korea. After 8 hours on a plane, at least we were in a similar time zone and had a couple of days to relax and spend time together. The outside wasn't too appealing since it was so cold and windy. Sounded like a good plan. after a day or two, my wife did want to go see the world's largest church. She'd never been there before. I'd lived in Korea. So we went there. We did spend a fair amount of time in the hotel before the next leg of the trip.

We were under schedule constraints to get tickets that time of year so she could meet my relatives for the first time over the holidays and all that good stuff, so we didn't have a lot of options if we wanted to do that. But I think getting away to a comfortable hotel where people won't bug you or try to prank you for a couple of days where there is nothing much to do and you have to entertain yourself is a great idea.

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Yeah, as my wife mentioned, we only told people that we where staying at "an undisclosed location".

There wasn't a single soul other then the two of us that knew where we where going after we left the reception.

Congrats on getting her to go to a counselor with you! That she's willing to talk about it, and take the issue seriously is a very good sign!

I went to a chrsitian forum about sex. More toned down for single with questions obviously and most said they go months on end when it comes to sex. The one couple said they were at the 9 month mark. As in sex every day for 9 months.

So I know for me this makes me not fear the lack of sex. True sex is not why one should marry. But sex does play a vital role in a marriage. And I myself am very.... sexual. When I marry my fiance in a few months time in her country, I can only stay for about 21 days. But we can't marry for about 10 days because of paperwork. But the time we do get on our honeymoon, you best believe every hour will be spent being intimate.

I also say that because of two reasons. One being after I leave we have to wait a year for her to come here becaue of more paperwork. And also because God designed sex for married couples. Its not just some causal thing. It bonds you phsyically, mentally and spiritually. The bible says "And the two shall become one flesh!". Its very true. I know that time we will have together will bond us!

I personally cannot tell you what to do about your fiance. But I know if it sounded like my fiance would be neglecting some things in our future marriage... I wouldn't be ok with it. We haven't had any "TMI" sort of talks because in her culture you aren't suppose to talk about it really but we agree that our bodies belong to each other and we shoudl not hold back from the other person. Unless of course there issues like shes having her period and all that.

Disclaimer: Nothing is ALLWAYS or NEVER..I am speaking in generalities-

Men and women usually view sex in two totally different contexts. Men are more visual and make more distinctions between the physical and the emotional. Women usually attach a HIGH emotional relationship to sex.

I came to Christ later in life and was not "raised in the church" I was a child of the sixites and nowhere Near a virign when I married the first time (I had buried 2 husbands before I was 45) I have what I consider to be a very healthy libido and probably considerably more experience in satisfying it than most women who grew up "churched".

That being said..based" on Jacobs OP--it seems you use sex for stress relief. Your own words describe a "habit" of relief being associated with sex. Your partner grew up where even the topic of sex is "taboo". This is not a good mix.

Normal is a setting on a dryer. What is normal for one couple may seem excessive to another and what is normal to others may seem like a drought to some.

What i can tell you from personal experience and from conversations with others is that generally speaking there is a "honeymoon" phase. Frequent sex in the beginning that later on fades just like the interest in any New toy.

FOR WOMEN it is the status of the relationship that generally determines the frequency of sexual relations. Women like the Romance, it's how you make them feel emotionally. If they feel valued, appreciated and LOVED..sex is usually not a problem.

Alot also depends on the Man..His skills, willingness to please her..his display of affection (In otherwords foreplay and afterplay are more important to women). PS Size does matter...if you do not have the size, you need to have better skills..BUT there is alot of personal preference involved-some like to converse during sex--others like it quiet. Some like to use music, oils, food....some like fantasy..

My concern in the OP case is the emphasis he places on the physical act...Requirements of quantity? That would be a turn off for me as much as a woman saying I need a man who can give me $100 to spend on myself no less than 3x per week...

There will come times when sex is not feasible at the rate you seem to require. Pregnancy in the later months and certainlly right after birth, is not physically pleasing when your back hurts, your hormones are raging. What then? Stress also comes..What happens if you loose your job, have a bad experience with in-laws, have a disagreement?Will you make physical demands then due to your "needs"? Is this rate of sex tied to your ability to be faithful--what if she were in an accident or suffers an illness that required a legnthly hospitalization and or recoup period?

Don't think I bring this up lightly..I was married to a man for 16 yrs who was my soul mate. He contracted colon cancer and after a grueling battle died at the young age of 47. I was 13 yrs younger than he and temptations did abound..but that was my battle and I can say I fought the good fight. it was alot easier because of the realtionship we had...the physcial had come to mean alot less...

The next man i married died of a heart attack at the age of 37. At 1st the sex was great-he was built like a greek god and had skills beyond belief..but I discovered too that he was also engaging in frequent mastrubation-although we were having sex as often as 2 a day and never less than 3xweek. I was immediatley turned off and my sexual desire for him faded. His behavior escalated and he then started with porn. My desire faded evern more. He became more frustrated and the relationship detoriated. He became involved in drugs while he was working on an offshore oil rig. I did not know what was wrong till I discovered a hidden "ten-pack" (hypo needles) in our bathroom. I immediately told him sex was off the table (aids risk) until he got clean..By this point (less than 5yrs) he was too far gone..I was seriously comtemplating divorce when he died. My point here is that His obsession with sex..was too much to bear. It made me sick-..just like the football widow who comes to hate football, I got to where I avoided the matter alltogether. It took awhile after his death to even get to the point of having desire again.

Anything--that one places such high emphasis on (Momma, Children, Money, Sex) can tear down the relationship and if that happens Sex is normally the 1st thing a woman will shut down. If sex is THAT important to you-find another girl..I know that's not what you want to hear. But she has had a lifetime of placing a completely different value on sex,(especially after hearing her remarks re: the honeymoon)than you do.

A man who hunts does not need to marry a woman who forbids guns in the house. A man who is a sports enthausiast does not need to marry a woman who finds sports boring or barbaric. Compatibility is important, not as important as TRUST (#1) or love, but it's up there. 1 in 2 marriages (including christians) end in divorce-do not stack the deck against you going in. With your attitude you will only break her heart by placing expectations on her , she is unlikely to be able to live up to.

You might consider finding a girl who is NOT a virgin and became a christian later in life as I did..Someone who actually knows what her libido is and is likely to be so she can give you a reasonable assurance that she can "keep up" w/u after marriage. It is issues like this that grow and cause marriages to fail. They must be resoved prior to marriage and if they can not be-the marriage should NOT take place.

Remember-you asked and I do not sugar coat opinions nor advice to suit the posters desires. I hope you will at least give thought to what was said, b/c I hate to see any marriage fail. When they do, they scar people and that is the worst thing 2 people who care for each other can do.
Prayers for resoltuion-
Grace

I'm sorry to say this, but I think you need to accept responsibility for the problems here.

Unless I read it wrong, you basically said that a doctor and a youth pastor convinced you that touching yourself was not a sin, so you kept doing it.

Then, when you met your girlfriend, you engaged in sexual activity before marraige.

Despite this, you claim to have:

"spent the last 10 years abstaining from sex"

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Would you call 10 years of lustful masturbation "abstaining from sex"?

So you felt uncomfortable when you tried to quit masturbating and you couldn't sleep? Guess what. Every Christian guy who'se ever quit masturbating has gone through the exact same thing.

And yes, you should have stuck to it no matter how much pain it was. Steven took stones against his body for the sake of God. Paul said he treats his body like a slave (1 Corinthians 9:27) instead of giving in to it's sinful fleshly desires.

Like every person who has ever been angry at God, you don't have the right to be. He outlined the laws which would give you a happy marriage and you didn't follow them, so you can't blame him for what's happened as a result. Luckily, He is a faithful and merciful God and He can restore your relationship to 100% even after you make mistakes.

Think about it. Your girlfriend, according to you "was raised in a family where talking about sex is taboo", and she obviously cared about waiting, but instead you seem to have used your uncontrolled sex drive to lead her into sexual sin by "releasing" each other. I'm sure you both played a role, but as the man, you should have led her in purity instead.

I mean think about it. By giving into to masturbation for your whole life, you taught yourself to give in to your sexual desires. That is why you should have controlled yourself from the start, so that when you met her you would have been an expert at it and you could have waited properly until marriage.

Oh, and just a pro tip, by demanding sex x amount of times per week, you are probably doing the exact opposite of making her want to have sex.

At first I thought her sister was in the wrong for saying:

My fiance's sister has convinced her that I'm going to cheat on her after I get married. "If a man's wife can't satisfy him, he'll just go somewhere else to get what he wants" is what she keeps telling my fiance.

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But guess what? She is totally correct as you proved when you said:

I can honestly say that if we never have sex, that I will probably walk out on her

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So I think instead of blaming God or your fiance or your fiance's sister, you need to look at yourself and examine your path in life and see where you have done wrong.

Then repent about it and move on.

Here's my advice for your future.. If you love this girl and you want to be with her, sex or not, then stop ALL sexual contact and masturbation until you get married. Stop even lusting over anyone. Just cut it all out cold turkey.
Tell your fiance that you have examined how you have acted and you realize you were wrong in alot of ways and that you are going to correct that. Tell her (And mean it!) that you want to be with her whether you have sex twice a day, or twice a year, because you actually love her and you want to spend the rest of your life with her no matter what.

If deep down, the Holy Spirit is telling you that your premarital sexual activity as a couple has been immoral, you should repent as a couple and decide not to do ANYTHING until marriage. Ask her if she thinks the sexual activity you two have done was sinful and if she needs to repent for it... she might be so happy to be able to unburden herself of that guilt by praying with you as a couple to repent for it, so that she can trade her heavy yoke of guilt for Jesus' light yoke.

I think if you do this and stop blaming God for the results of your own errors, you will get married and be quite happy, by the grace of God. But if you plan on "walking out on her if she doesn't have sex with me", then you don't understand that "love is not self seeking" (1 Corinthians 13:5) and you shouldn't get married.

icoo said:

So I think instead of blaming God or your fiance or your fiance's sister, you need to look at yourself and examine your path in life and see where you have done wrong.

Then repent about it and move on.

Here's my advice for your future.. If you love this girl and you want to be with her, sex or not, then stop ALL sexual contact and masturbation until you get married. Stop even lusting over anyone. Just cut it all out cold turkey.

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I agree with a lot of what you are saying. If he's engaged in sexual activity with her short of intercourse, he's taken away some of her innocence. Those kinds of activities are things she should have only done with a husband. That's a huge ethical consideration before breaking it off.

Christians are divided on the issue of masturbation, which you are faulting him for. Looking at a woman who is not one's wife in order to lust after her is a sin.

Tell your fiance that you have examined how you have acted and you realize you were wrong in alot of ways and that you are going to correct that.

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True, and he should be specific about his sin.

Tell her (And mean it!) that you want to be with her whether you have sex twice a day, or twice a year, because you actually love her and you want to spend the rest of your life with her no matter what.

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IMO, he should not say those words. The part about loving her and wanting to be with her the rest of his life is good. Telling her basically that sex twice a week or twice a year (!!!) is okay is a terrible idea. He shouldn't give any ground on that. He should try not to make it a big issue now, but his wife should expect that he is going to give up on a fulfilling sex life that meets his needs and reduces his temptation to sin to get her to marry him.

If you think of it from a secular negotiations perspective, it would be pretty foolish to concede something in a negotiation when you don't even have to. In this case he would be giving up something the Bible teaches he should have. According to I Corinthians 7, to prevent fornication, let every man have his own wife and every woman her own husband. Spouses aren't to defraud one another sexually. Each has power over the other's body when it comes to sex. It's not right for one spouse to deny the other and put them in a situation where the devil could tempt them, as the passage says. The fasting helps deal with the lack of self control, but I would venture to say so does the coming together again mentioned in the passage.

If he said I love you and I want to be with you, and I believe we will both be able to meet one another's needs as husband and wife as the word of God teaches, that makes more sense. The fact that he has sin (and so has she) does not mean that he should give up some Biblical expectations of marriage.

If marriage is to 'prevent fornication' what's the point of even getting married if you are going to have sex only twice a year? Why not just be buddies and call each other on the phone and go bowling once a week?

If deep down, the Holy Spirit is telling you that your premarital sexual activity as a couple has been immoral, you should repent as a couple and decide not to do ANYTHING until marriage.

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I agrree, and I would like to add if he can't hear the Spirit telling him this, he still needs to repent and decide not to do anything sexual until marriage.

iambren said:

A set up for disaster. I give you 3 years.

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Even if you advise against it, you shouldn't curse their marriage like that.

This is something you really need to pray about, going through a marriage without sexual fulfillment is a painful exeperience. The hurt, rejection and confusion I would not wish on anyone. If you go through with this it is likely something which would take you years to deal with.

From your original post it suggested that her attitude to sex has changed, has she started taking any new medication in that time like the contraceptive pill?

I will continue to pray for you and your lovely wife to be my brother. I pray that God will lead you and guide you and that your'll will have a wonderful marriage.

foolishly pointed out that maybe it's their own fault that they don't have children, given that they almost never have sex

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I haven't read any further yet, but wanted to point out that it only takes one time having sex to get pregnant.

So the guy never came back. I don't know, maybe it is only me, but I see so many commonalities between this post, and the recent post in the married forum, which seems to be the same man. Maybe it is my imagination. Maybe this man found that marriage was very good for him after all!