Severe co-dependence help

LauraAviel · Dec 24, 2016

I am just starting to realize that I am severely co-dependent and have been for a long time. I believe that this is what is at the roots of many of my problems.

I was wondering if there is anybody here who has any experience with co-dependence or overcoming co-dependence? I would appreciate any resources or tools you could recommend to learn more about the topic and to hopefully overcome it.

Also I was wondering if anybody has any experience with co-dependent relationships?

I know that one sign of co-dependency are often unhealthy relationships that one doesn't seem to be able to get out of. My relationship seems to be very much like that. I have spent the past 2 years taking care of my man while he has dealt with depression, pain from a past love and then not knowing what he wants from life. I lied to him at the beginning of our relationship about my past because I wanted to make myself a better person than I was and I felt ashamed. And now even after everything coming apart at the seams and us officially being "broken up" for a full day now and him being officially in love and pursuing another girl, he expresses no wish for me to leave on the contrary when I make any remarks concerning trying to get out of the house and separate our lives he influences me with guilt by telling me things like "you are just going to steal my life and then leave me to life with my mom and have nothing? At least give me a fighting chance". Since my partner is very much dependent on me (he has no income), however, I do (apart from all the stuff that happened) feel obligated to not just up and disappear because I do want to do the right thing and I want to honor the commitment I made. But what would the right thing be in this case?

I would really appreciate any advice. If you are just going to tell me how messed up this whole thing is though than please spare me. I have been thinking about nothing but that for the past 7 days. I am done with denial. I know the relationship is unhealthy and toxic. At this point I just want to do right in the eyes of God and work on my own co-dependency.

vinsight4u · Dec 24, 2016

jimmyjimmy · Dec 24, 2016

LauraAviel said:
I am just starting to realize that I am severely co-dependent and have been for a long time. I believe that this is what is at the roots of many of my problems.

I was wondering if there is anybody here who has any experience with co-dependence or overcoming co-dependence? I would appreciate any resources or tools you could recommend to learn more about the topic and to hopefully overcome it.

Also I was wondering if anybody has any experience with co-dependent relationships?

I know that one sign of co-dependency are often unhealthy relationships that one doesn't seem to be able to get out of. My relationship seems to be very much like that. I have spent the past 2 years taking care of my man while he has dealt with depression, pain from a past love and then not knowing what he wants from life. I lied to him at the beginning of our relationship about my past because I wanted to make myself a better person than I was and I felt ashamed. And now even after everything coming apart at the seams and us officially being "broken up" for a full day now and him being officially in love and pursuing another girl, he expresses no wish for me to leave on the contrary when I make any remarks concerning trying to get out of the house and separate our lives he influences me with guilt by telling me things like "you are just going to steal my life and then leave me to life with my mom and have nothing? At least give me a fighting chance". Since my partner is very much dependent on me (he has no income), however, I do (apart from all the stuff that happened) feel obligated to not just up and disappear because I do want to do the right thing and I want to honor the commitment I made. But what would the right thing be in this case?

I would really appreciate any advice. If you are just going to tell me how messed up this whole thing is though than please spare me. I have been thinking about nothing but that for the past 7 days. I am done with denial. I know the relationship is unhealthy and toxic. At this point I just want to do right in the eyes of God and work on my own co-dependency.

First, stop calling it, "co-dependance". Use biblical terms and biblical thought, if you truly want to be free.

LauraAviel · Dec 24, 2016

vinsight4u said:
How long have you been engaged?

We have been together for 2 years and engaged for 1 in January.

jimmyjimmy said:
First, stop calling it, "co-dependance". Use biblical terms and biblical thought, if you truly want to be free.

I understand what you are saying. I haven't quite figured out what is going on in terms of biblical terms or thought yet to be honest. My partner thinks that I am completely wrong with the "co-dependence" thing as well. In fact he got angry when I told him about it. He thinks that the root cause of all this is me lying to him at the beginning of the relationship. It is trued what it says in John 8:44:

John 8:44 You are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father you will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and stayed not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a lie, he speaks of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.

I realize that by lying I made myself a daughter of the devil. Back when this happened I just felt ashamed and guilty for my past and thought it wasn't going to affect anything. That was clearly deceit. But I still can't understand whether his reaction is justified or if he is overdoing it with his anger and attacks of me and I should be justified to protect myself.

jimmyjimmy · Dec 24, 2016

LauraAviel said:
We have been together for 2 years and engaged for 1 in January.

I understand what you are saying. I haven't quite figured out what is going on in terms of biblical terms or thought yet to be honest. My partner thinks that I am completely wrong with the "co-dependence" thing as well. In fact he got angry when I told him about it. He thinks that the root cause of all this is me lying to him at the beginning of the relationship. It is trued what it says in John 8:44:

John 8:44 You are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father you will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and stayed not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a lie, he speaks of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.

I realize that by lying I made myself a daughter of the devil. Back when this happened I just felt ashamed and guilty for my past and thought it wasn't going to affect anything. That was clearly deceit. But I still can't understand whether his reaction is justified or if he is overdoing it with his anger and attacks of me and I should be justified to protect myself.

The root can be found in answering "why" did you lie.

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. (Col 3:1-3)

LauraAviel · Dec 24, 2016

jimmyjimmy said:
The root can be found in answering "why" did you lie.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about that already. Back when I lied I wasn't saved yet. I wanted to be loved. I was ashamed. I thought I wasn’t worthy of love or of him. I wanted to be a better person for him and I thought that if I just lived up to the standards I had set myself (and I did, I never went back or did anything remotely in the direction of who I had been beforehand) the past could stay the past and would never affect him. And then after I got saved I knew it was wrong but I was terrified of telling him because I knew it would destroy him.

And it is, because now that he knows he has been in bed for 5 days taking as many pills as he can without overdosing. Barely eating. Alternating between attacking me, crying and telling me how much he loves this other girl. It is terrifying, I feel so guilty and responsible. I don't know what to do.

jimmyjimmy · Dec 24, 2016

LauraAviel said:
I have spent a lot of time thinking about that already. Back when I lied I wasn't saved yet. I wanted to be loved. I was ashamed. I thought I wasn’t worthy of love or of him. I wanted to be a better person for him and I thought that if I just lived up to the standards I had set myself (and I did, I never went back or did anything remotely in the direction of who I had been beforehand) the past could stay the past and would never affect him. And then after I got saved I knew it was wrong but I was terrified of telling him because I knew it would destroy him.

And it is, because now that he knows he has been in bed for 5 days taking as many pills as he can without overdosing. Barely eating. Alternating between attacking me, crying and telling me how much he loves this other girl. It is terrifying, I feel so guilty and responsible. I don't know what to do.

You are in a tough spot. I'm always listening intently to God when I'm in a tough spot, but not as much when I'm out of it.

It's awesome when we learn from our mistakes and sins, so that we don't repeat the cycle.

At the bottom of all sin, there is idolatry. We make something or someone more important that God. We elevate things and people to a place where on God should be, because only He is worthy of it, first of all.

Idols are not just status. They are good things that we turn into god things.

We make a person an idol because we want love, protection, affirmation, acceptance, but these things can only be found in Christ. I have much more to say on the subject, but there are a could of good books on it which would help much more than I could.

Kenny'sID · Dec 24, 2016

LauraAviel said:
At least give me a fighting chance". Since my partner is very much dependent on me (he has no income), however, I do (apart from all the stuff that happened) feel obligated to not just up and disappear because I do want to do the right thing and I want to honor the commitment I made. But what would the right thing be in this case?

How long has he been without an income with you footing the bills?

jimmyjimmy said:
We make a person an idol because we want love, protection, affirmation, acceptance, but these things can only be found in Christ.

No, not necessarily. First, we shouldn't make a person an idol and if that's what you are saying the OP is doing, I might beg to differ. Second, love, protection, affirmation, acceptance...*can* be found in the right people.

LauraAviel · Dec 24, 2016

Kenny'sID said:
How long has he been without an income with you footing the bills?

For the past year. We did move around for a time there, I could keep my job because I work online, so we decided that we could make it work on my income so that we could find a place we wanted to live in and start our life together. But then we just ended up living at my mother in-laws house and have been here for months now without him making any attempt to getting a job or anything in that direction and whenever we started the conversation about moving we just ended up getting in a fight.

jimmyjimmy said:
We make a person an idol because we want love, protection, affirmation, acceptance, but these things can only be found in Christ. I have much more to say on the subject, but there are a could of good books on it which would help much more than I could.

Are you implying that I made him an idol? If so, I thought about it for a while. In the beginning there was definitely a time when I got some places mixed up. He was the one who brought me to Jesus and who shared the gospel with me. So obviously I feel a connection between him and my new relationship with God. But along the way I realized what I was doing. We have spoken about this (before all of what is currently going on happened) and I repented to God and have since purposed myself to make Him my number one. I may fall short sometimes still, I am still learning and developing, but I think I am very careful when it comes to making a person an idol now.

Kenny'sID · Dec 24, 2016

LauraAviel said:
For the past year. We did move around for a time there, I could keep my job because I work online, so we decided that we could make it work on my income so that we could find a place we wanted to live in and start our life together. But then we just ended up living at my mother in-laws house and have been here for months now without him making any attempt to getting a job or anything in that direction and whenever we started the conversation about moving we just ended up getting in a fight.

OK, that makes it somewhat understandable as a matter of convenience why he didn't work early on, but now there is no excuse. It is unfair that you foot all the bills, as a matter of fact, "fair" would be him going to work and letting you relax for awhile, if we want to get technical. But I doubt you are even asking for that.

For the moment, I can only add that it appears you are being used, at least in that respect. And I don't like a lot of the other implications, but will not comment just yet, except to say, I think you are on target with your concerns, and it may be time to take some type of action.

LauraAviel · Dec 24, 2016

Kenny'sID said:
For the moment, I can only add that it appears you are being used, at least in that respect. And I don't like a lot of the other implications, but will not comment just yet, except to say, I think you are on target with your concerns, and it may be time to take some type of action.

I hear what you are saying. I do want to make things "right". I did lie and I should be willing and it is only fair to bare the consequences and make things as "right"as I can. But at he same time, enough should be enough at some point, right? He is saying that I am being unfair because I have only given him 5 days to "get over" my lying about my past, I can understand that point, but I am seriously concerned that he would tell me the same thing in a month. I feel he is "keeping" me here, while pursuing another girl who lives in Iran via messages and I am the backup in case that doesn't work out. That thought hurts... but I did lie to him for the duration of our relationship, so I understand if he is really not that interested in being with me right now.

I have decided that I will for right now just try to wait and see what happens and try to get some counseling. Obviously that is a little hard with it being Christmas and all, but I will pursue that first thing on monday. I don't want to make any rash decisions because I do love the guy and I want to "wait on the Lord" to give me counsel how to handle the situation, because I have a tendency of leaning on my own understanding and plunging forward sometimes a little preemptively because I just want something to progress. So I am trying to do things differently this time.

T

Kenny'sID · Dec 25, 2016

LauraAviel said:
But at he same time, enough should be enough at some point, right?

Right.

LauraAviel said:
, I can understand that point, but I am seriously concerned that he would tell me the same thing in a month.

I was going to say, give him another 5 days and see what he says, then I read that, so, you get the picture, and he very likely would say the same thing.

Your point about being the standby sounds viable to me, and if you haven't already, it might be a good idea to let him know about your feelings on that, at whatever time you feel best.

Proceeding with caution is always a good idea, just know that as you say, enough can be enough, and like it or not, sometimes things reach that point, but it sounds like you are aware of that, else you wouldn't be here.

Keep us updated if you want.

LauraAviel · Dec 25, 2016

Kenny'sID said:
I was going to say, give him another 5 days and see what he says, then I read that, so, you get the picture, and he very likely would say the same thing.

Thanks for checking back in Kenny'sID. Things have "calmed down" a little although they aren't much better. He has since calmed down a little. He apologized for calling me all these nasty things.

Kenny'sID said:
Your point about being the standby sounds viable to me, and if you haven't already, it might be a good idea to let him know about your feelings on that, at whatever time you feel best.

As of right now he has decided that he is in love with that woman in Iran and that he wants to pursue her. So we have officially broken up and I have now slept in the other room for 2 days. He spends most of the day being "love sick" now and telling me how much he is in love with her... because "i am the only one he can talk to about these things and he just can't keep it in". For some reason God has given me the amazing grace to take all of this pretty decently. I have managed to keep it together, although obviously it hurts, but there isn't really much I can do, so I am thankful for God's peace (that definitely exceeds all understanding).

He asked me to stick around for 2 months for him to figure everything out. I agreed to that, it does seem long and awkward, but I also don't want to strand the guy, especially since he seems pretty volatile right now. It also gives me some time to figure out what I will do. I am hoping that God will help me figure out the next step. I have no place to stay or plan cued up for this. I was totally unprepared.

faroukfarouk · Dec 25, 2016

LauraAviel said:
Thanks for checking back in Kenny'sID. Things have "calmed down" a little although they aren't much better. He has since calmed down a little. He apologized for calling me all these nasty things.

As of right now he has decided that he is in love with that woman in Iran and that he wants to pursue her. So we have officially broken up and I have now slept in the other room for 2 days. He spends most of the day being "love sick" now and telling me how much he is in love with her... because "i am the only one he can talk to about these things and he just can't keep it in". For some reason God has given me the amazing grace to take all of this pretty decently. I have managed to keep it together, although obviously it hurts, but there isn't really much I can do, so I am thankful for God's peace (that definitely exceeds all understanding).

He asked me to stick around for 2 months for him to figure everything out. I agreed to that, it does seem long and awkward, but I also don't want to strand the guy, especially since he seems pretty volatile right now. It also gives me some time to figure out what I will do. I am hoping that God will help me figure out the next step. I have no place to stay or plan cued up for this. I was totally unprepared.

I think most Christians would say that if you keep looking daily to the Lord and feeding on His Word, then the path ahead will be increasingly clear to you.

LauraAviel · Dec 25, 2016

That is what I am counting on, because I on my own, I am lost and have hit the end of the road.

Thank God, I am not on my own! Just in the past 2 days he has given me so much strength. I know the trial isn't over yet and I might have to work hard to get through, but I never thought I could be in a situation like this and yet feel so... calm.

faroukfarouk · Dec 25, 2016

LauraAviel said:
That is what I am counting on, because I on my own, I am lost and have hit the end of the road.

Thank God, I am not on my own! Just in the past 2 days he has given me so much strength. I know the trial isn't over yet and I might have to work hard to get through, but I never thought I could be in a situation like this and yet feel so... calm.

Proverbs 4.18: "But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day."

Kenny'sID · Dec 25, 2016

LauraAviel said:
Thanks for checking back in Kenny'sID. Things have "calmed down" a little although they aren't much better. He has since calmed down a little. He apologized for calling me all these nasty things.

As of right now he has decided that he is in love with that woman in Iran and that he wants to pursue her. So we have officially broken up and I have now slept in the other room for 2 days. He spends most of the day being "love sick" now and telling me how much he is in love with her... because "i am the only one he can talk to about these things and he just can't keep it in". For some reason God has given me the amazing grace to take all of this pretty decently. I have managed to keep it together, although obviously it hurts, but there isn't really much I can do, so I am thankful for God's peace (that definitely exceeds all understanding).

He asked me to stick around for 2 months for him to figure everything out. I agreed to that, it does seem long and awkward, but I also don't want to strand the guy, especially since he seems pretty volatile right now. It also gives me some time to figure out what I will do. I am hoping that God will help me figure out the next step. I have no place to stay or plan cued up for this. I was totally unprepared.

That has to be a tough thing to hear after a year of thinking you were going to be married, but at the same time being in limbo like that isn't good either. And what a bad position you are in now, but you seem to be handling it as well as possible...like you have a choice.

And yes, faith in God is very good, especially in times like this. That can make all the difference.

This...

LauraAviel said:
I am done with denial. I know the relationship is unhealthy and toxic. At this point I just want to do right in the eyes of God and work on my own co-dependency.

...tells me you are strong/decisive, and are going to deal with this one way or another, even if it doesn't go how you would like, and that's good. I just hope he doesn't start bouncing back and forth, but sounds like you will know the difference between him flat out taking advantage and being genuinely indecisive, but then again, too much indecisiveness, for too long, can be taking advantage of you. But it sounds like some decisions have been made, and I'm sure you'll know where to draw the line with him if problems should arise.

Hope you fare well these next couple of months, I don't envy you on that, but if you are as ok as you sound, shouldn't be too bad.

LauraAviel · Dec 25, 2016

Kenny'sID said:
Hope you fare well these next couple of months, I don't envy you on that, but if you are as ok as you sound, shouldn't be too bad.

Thank you, your good wishes mean a lot. Yes, it will probably be (or is) one of the harder times in my life. Right now, I am okay. I hope it will stay that way, but I will have to take it one day at a time.

Kenny'sID said:
That has to be a tough thing to hear after a year of thinking you were going to be married, but at the same time being in limbo like that isn't good either.

I don't think I have necessarily fully realized what is going on yet. Not that I don't know... but it almost feels like it hasn't sunk in all the way yet. Part of me just can't believe this is happening. Especially because just over a week or two ago everything was fine (or at least so I told myself). But especially because it seems kind of crazy I know that God is at work. I just keep reminding myself that He is in control and that I need to trust him. He has my best interest at heart.

Kenny'sID · Dec 25, 2016

LauraAviel said:
I don't think I have necessarily fully realized what is going on yet. Not that I don't know... but it almost feels like it hasn't sunk in all the way yet.

That's what concerns me, but it happens, and is most likely a God given defense to soften a blow like this. Just go with it, the best you can anyway. Some realities you are going to have to deal with, but I guess I'm saying try not to dwell on the things you can't change, what could have been, and all. Or even what you had, because what did you really have if he is doing this now?

Honestly, had y'all married, this could have come up after that fact, and been much worse on you. Maybe not, but I'd say that's a way of thinking now that can't hurt.

God is in control, and I always tell myself, what we have going on down here, covers such a short span of time, and it's not like we have to deal with stuff like this forever. And, of course we should try to be as happy as possible while we are here but that still helps me when things aren't going like I would like.

Severe co-dependence help

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