"Settling" for someone. Have you considered lowering your expectation?

Inperfected said:

Umm.... ok... So after reading all these i realise i won't be "settling" for someone else... i would be saying, yes this guy doesn't have all i was wanting, BUT i feel that is workable and not necessary, so because i love this guy i am willing to work through that. Not that i love anyone, just as a hypothetical..

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Good news is that if you do love someone, all sorts of wishlist things go by the wayside, because they're not in the basis for love. I can testify to that.

OH MY WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is insane. First off, Inperfected, let me stand atop the sop box for a moment. "and others were alright with it (such as pastors , family, friends)" What?????? Last i check it was your life and a decisoin between u and God. Also the job or role or a parent is a guide and support system. Parents do not give permission for marriage, It is not there place. My parents did not like my sisters BF/Fiance but they suported them anyways. Its 10 years later and they have 2 kids and are completly in love and have an awsome relationship with God.
I have a friend who all of his siblings are married. His parents did not like his siblings choices for Spouces. But they supported them and now there are 4 familys with 25 kids all serving God and happy. In all those cases the parents felt that They werent right for eachother, and they were wrong. Leave the decision up to you and God and seek guidance from family and others.

Now to the rest of you. Abviously a potentials walk and spirituality you should not settle for, I love the lord with all my heart and i put Him before anyone or anything. But i am not an active jump all around worshiper and i dont attend every single event the church holds. That makes me no less a chrisian than you. Dont pass judgment on someone just cause there not a Jesus Freak.....

Sar, Inperfected factors in that she lives in a world with others and puts them into the equation. You can hold your opinion, but you should be considerate of others whether they agree with you or not. That consideration is part of being a man and should be part of our dealing with one another.

it makes me sick to see young people turning over there lives and decisions to the people around them. Its ok to take into consideration whatthey think but to ask permission is crazy and udderly ridiculous. Do not preach to me about being a man. Thats like non christian telling a Christian that he is living in sin... it just doesnt fit...

Hm... Would I settle for less than God's best?

Well, I guess that would depend on what is meant there. As someone who is recently re-singled (not divorced, but broken up), I'd be thinking that with the amount of times that my heart has been broken, I wouldn't suggest it.

I do have friends at work who are encouraging me to "have fun" and go out and play the dating game. However, I know how my heart is. If there is someone who is special and I am attracted to them, no amount of "dating" will find that person for me. Actually, as I've found, it's usually as soon as I insist on my singleness that God brings someone in... sometimes, almost to test and see if I make it. And each time, I learn something about what I should be avoiding in a relationship.

Regarding the place that pastors, teachers and parents play, I would think that they are good sources for advice, and they are there for our benefit and protection. I do know of successful relationships where the people have gone against the advice and council of their parents, but I also know others who discovered a short time later why their parents didn't trust the girl (or the guy)... I was in such a relationship, and it led to some things that I deeply regret. If you love the person enough, it could work. But dismissed advice from those who watch over and care for you can potentially lead to your own peril if you are wrong.

Sar, I find your definition of "Jesus Freak" as someone who jumps around in worship and attends every Christian event fascinating. If this is what a "Jesus Freak" is, then I would say that I am with you in saying that this is not who I am either. I may be a preacher by vocation and calling, but I do not think that a Christian is necessarily one who buys into the "Christian subculture", as both can be mutually exclusive. I have met some who specifically go to these things and jump around in worship, and yet they are some of the least godly Christians that I know. Of course, I know others who are into the same "Christian subculture" and are the jumping around type, and their faith is incredibly sincere... And then there are guys like me who are more quiet, reserved and introverted... open with my faith, sure, but more one to curl up with a good book and a hot cup of tea or hot chocolate than to wear a whole bunch of "Christian" perephernalia, and listen to all music that goes by the label of "Contemporary Christian" or "Worship"...

But anyway, I am getting off the topic at hand. Here I am going into a ramble on the Contemporary Christian culture and how that fits in with someone who is "on fire for God", when the question is really if I would settle for anyone less than whom God has in store for me. I guess the answer to that, a few rabbit holes later, is no. Would my standards change? Oh yeah. But in a funny kind of way, it's not fully up to me, but up to God whom HE leads into my life, isn't it?

my point is that there really isnt a predestined mate for us. If there was wouldnt that not be a infringement on our free will. Just think about that If God knows every thought and decision we make ahead of time, so he sets it up so we make the right string of decisions that bring us to that person. Whats free about that? It just does not add up. It even says in the bible He who finds a wife finds favor from the lord. Doesnt sound like im supposed to sit around and wait to me. I think too many people have Read that stinkin book by Joshua harris and figure if they wait long enough that someone that was there soulmate to present themselfs to them. It just not realistic thinknig.

First of all, I believe that settling for someone because you are desperate to find someone is showing a lack of respect for and trust in the Lord. It's also placing ourselves on a higher plane than someone else. As if we are better than them and must "settle" for them. Why would you want to do that to someone? That is probably one of the most hurtful things you could do...spend your life with someone you aren't really passionate about because you couldn't find what you REALLY wanted. How awful! Marriage is for the long haul so why on earth would you want to marry someone you are not passionately in love with? That makes no sense. NEVER "settle". God wants what is best for each of us. We should want His best so that we can serve Him better...if we marry someone we don't really love or aren't really all that attracted to I think it's dishonoring to God. What a crummy way to begin a marriage!

Sar...

Okay, I get where you're coming from. It's a question of free will and predestination for you, just as much as it is anything else. For me, I'd say that it's a little bit of both. There is a certain kind of person that we are attracted to, and chances are, we won't meet all 3 Billion of the opposite gender in our lifetimes. I guess the idea of a "one" is like a song that plays in our hearts, and that keeps us yearning and searching and hoping. It's like how Isaac ended up with Rebekkah... Remember? Abraham sent the servant, and the servant prayed to God, "Lord, if this is the woman for my master, let her say..." This would indicate that there is at least some Divine say in what happens. I think the choice comes in with whether we accept or not, and perhaps even if God were to have a certain "type", it's the specific person of that "type" that we pick. And in some cases, like what happened to some friends of mine, there were just way too many coincidences to dismiss as just that. I don't know how it works really, to be honest. I'm just trusting.

And yes, I did read Harris' book... and it was alright... not really life changing for me, to be honest. I have other reasons why I wait. For instance, right now, I am very much confused and in flux with everything in my heart right now, and it would be unfair to anyone that I end up with if I went into the relationship with all of this un-dealt-with baggage. Not only that, but with the dating game, it wasn't for me even before I read that book, or even before I became a Christian. I know my heart is too fragile. When I fall for someone, I really fall hard... which is not a good thing for casual dating type relationships...

I've also found that when all of our attention is put toward seeking a potential mate, that's when they are the hardest to be found. I don't know about anyone else, but I know that's the way it is with me. I know that there is someone who I am interested in right now, but the timing is just plain wrong right now... And just so you know, I did not find her through actively searching.

yes, i do not believe that there is a predestined mate for me. i'm not going to sit around waiting for God to plop someone in my life; think i might be waiting forever. i guess that i took the OP to be that if there is someone who's showing interest in you, and that person somehow isn't quite your idea of what you're looking for, but you settle anyway--out of pressure from society to get married cause you're that *age* , or you're lonely, etc. i've found that when i do that--and i feel weird saying *settle*, b/c honestly that person could be a lovely person, its just that i can be difficult to handle at times and i want someone who clicks with me in every way. otherwise, i see bad parts of me coming out and i become a person even i don't like. i've been with people who bring out those bad sides of me and i've been with people who make me want to be a better person, who makes me feel good, etc. and, i do give people a chance. i guess you never know. but i feel that you do figure it out, usually, on that first date.

and also, in terms of waiting for a "jesus freak", i don't do that either. i certainly am not a model christian, so i don't expect my SO to be the star student in his bible study. but i'm slowly learning that i would like someone who shares the same faith as i do in God. most of the people, in fact, perhaps all, the people i have dated in the past have been non-christians. but i think that i'd now really like to find someone who is a christian, someone who makes me grow....

sar117 said:

it makes me sick to see young people turning over there lives and decisions to the people around them.

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Oh boy, oh boy...where to begin? Alright, Sar, just try and breathe deep and chill for a second here. It is VERY important that we, even as adults, take into consideration the godly counsel of our peers, pastors, elders, and family. I remember I was dating a guy once and he met my parents. My mother said, "Stop seeing this guy. He is trouble!". I didn't listen to her because I thought "meh, I'm a grown woman now. I'll do whatever I want to do." From all outside appearances he was a great guy, but my mother saw something in him that was rotten, something I was too close to the situation to see for myself. Three months later I had a pregnancy scare and he demanded I have an abortion. When I told him I didn't want to have one if I were in fact pregnant, he left me and told everyone we knew I was a cheating harlot and I tried to trick him into marrying me. Nice guy, huh? Praise God I wasn't pregnant!

The moral to the story is that people on the outside can always see what you can't. If your parents, elders, peers, pastors, etc. are walking in the Light, then they want you to be happy with God's chosen person for you; however, if they see something and prayerfully consider whether or not a specific character flaw could be harmful to you and the relationship and they tell you about it, then it's almost always best to heed their warning. It's not about bending your life to appease everyone around you. It's about godly submission to the people God so carefully placed in your life to help guide and minister to you. We don't always listen to God's voice and He knows this. That is why He puts people in your life to be an obvious sounding board for His intentions for you.

my point is that there really isnt a predestined mate for us.

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Free will only goes so far, my friend. God has someone out there for everyone. It doesn't mean if you lose that person you'll never love again. I have known many widows and widowers to love again, but they can all attest to the fact that it's never the same as the love they experienced with their late husband or wife. Look at Adam and Eve. They were pre-destined to be together. Of course, this was before the fall of man and sin entering the world, but the element of God designing one person just for you is not only true, but exciting as well!

Sar117 said:

my point is that there really isnt a predestined mate for us. If there was wouldnt that not be a infringement on our free will. Just think about that If God knows every thought and decision we make ahead of time, so he sets it up so we make the right string of decisions that bring us to that person. Whats free about that? It just does not add up. It even says in the bible He who finds a wife finds favor from the lord. Doesnt sound like im supposed to sit around and wait to me. I think too many people have Read that stinkin book by Joshua harris and figure if they wait long enough that someone that was there soulmate to present themselfs to them. It just not realistic thinknig.

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Jeremiah 29:11For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
To me, this says that God knows it all. There are other verses in the Bible that say that God knew how our life would play out, so to speak, before we were born. Why wouldn't that include who He has for us to marry? Sorry, I'm just curious, as a Bible-believing Jesus Freak.

In Christ,
Tink

haha ...I remember that show...it was really good. I think marriage is a bigger deal than to compare it with wallpaper, however.

May I suggest that we drop the term "settling". These are people we are talking about. We throw this term around raising ourself to a place of prominence...as if we have that right, as if we are better than others. God sees us all the same, so dont' say you are not going to "settle" for somene, say that it will not be a good match.

My 0.02$

Who did Brian end up picking?

Well i see my post caused quite a stir... Ok I am 18, and in my life i've made many mistakes with guys, yet everytime, my parents have been able to see what was going to be a problem, months even a year before we broke up ... for the reason they were talking about. My parents are my closest friends and i can trust them to help me decide. The choice is mine. I have to live with it and make it, but the more guidance i get from married christians the better. My youth leaders/pastor are great for me to talk to coz i have talked to her and him for years now, and they know what i am going to need, and they for the next few years anyway, will know the guys i would consider being involved with, and they can be that parental check for me here, because i don't live with my parents anymore. So for me it isn't them making a decision, but me allowing them to help me see the issues relating to it.

As for whether we have free will in marriage or not, we do. BUT we can ask god, to bring us someone, in some ways i guess saying god take this tiny amount of my free will, and make it yours, 'lord i want someone but looking hurts, so please show me which guys to talk to and which to steer clear of'... i sure god isn't a cruel man and not willing to answer the cry of one of his heartfelt followers... Even describes this in the bible...

I hear ya man. Everyone 'settles' on some things. But we do it because people are a package deal. You can't take traits that you like from someone else and combine them with some other girls body. Just doesn't work like that.

Tuffguy said:

I hear ya man. Everyone 'settles' on some things. But we do it because people are a package deal. You can't take traits that you like from someone else and combine them with some other girls body. Just doesn't work like that.

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Yep, when it comes to looks, I do think we are expected to "settle" to some degree. Everyone has flaws of some sort, and you can't design your own man or woman, haha. You DO have to be attracted to a person enough to want to be romantic with 'em later on, though (obviously if you are married to someone, you will have to touch 'em ).... although I would say this is at least as much chemistry as it is physical attraction.

As far as personality...again, nobody will be your perfect ideal (again, the only way to make your own "perfect" person is to create characters and write a story...which is great fun in its own accord, but I digress ). I do think that everyone has certain traits that are absolutely necessary, though. I guess from that point, it is up to the person to decide what is needed and what is simply desired but not necessary.