Serious discussions with little ones

ardeur · Sep 3, 2008

How do you teach young children about "private parts," "bad touching," and "bad people" without scaring them? I think this is a very serious and necessary topic to introduce at a young age, but how do you guys approach it? Of course... as a parent I will do all in my power to keep my children with me, keep an ever watchful eye, surround them with daily prayer BUT... even with all that, I KNOW, from personal experience growing up, that inappropriate things can STILL happen no matter how attentive and careful the parents are.

Eeek... any personal anecdotes and advice would be appreciated.

Jewellsmom · Sep 3, 2008

I have told my daughter the actual name for private parts. I felt it was important for her to know the real names. I then taught her that if ANYONE ever touched her in those places she was to tell me immediately. I explained that if I was bathing her, and washed those areas that was ok, but it wasn't ok for anyone else to touch her there. A few months later she spent the night with my parents. My mother called me around Jewell's bedtime and told me that when she was bathing her, Jewell told her that she wasn't supposed to be touching her there. My mother reiterated what I had told her, and called me so I would know she was just giving her a bath. The next day when Jewell came home she told me what had happened, and we talked about why that wasn't bad touch.

Birbitt · Sep 3, 2008

I taught my boys that unless me or my dh said it was ok that they were to not let anyone touch them where their bathing suit covers! Generally they understand that when I bathe them it's ok, and it's ok if someone else is bathing them, and it's ok if the dr is doing it and mommy or daddy is there! So it works for us. Though our drs have always been really good about telling our boys the same thing, they will usually say something like unless mom or dad is with you and says it's ok you should never let anyone touch you where your undies are.

I should also add that my boys also understand that it's ok to talk about their private parts to me or dh but that it's not something we talk about with other people.

Neenie1 · Sep 4, 2008

My ds is 6 now so he cleans his own penis as his dad showed him how (with the occasional check from dad to make sure it's all clean and all well in that area)

From day one we told our son the correct names for his penis and testicles and bottom and no-one was to touch these without permission from mum and dad (lets face it even if you take the child to the doctor your going to be there right?) and so far all has been well. We have also told him that there are always going to be people who want to hurt others and who want to hurt children and they need to tell a trusted grown up if this happens (eg teacher, mum, dad, grandparents, aunt, uncle, pastor at church etc etc etc) unfortunately it's someone from the above list that does hurt the child, so we haven't crossed that bridge.

I don't think he is scared of anything happening, we have just been very upfront with him and told him things in a child appropriate way as he has asked.

With dd she is only 3, she called her vagina her "tummy" the other day so now we are telling her what it is called and starting the whole process again with her.

Macx · Sep 4, 2008

You can't trust anyone but yourselves. I like Neenie's comment

no-one was to touch these without permission from mum and dad (lets face it even if you take the child to the doctor your going to be there right?)

But would make it more specific. No one is to touch those places unless mom are there and say it is okay right then. Until my child is old enough to bathe herself, she will not bathe outside of her parents supervision. Call me overprotective, but, I don't trust anyone. And yeah, there is an implied "have reason not to" in that.

The drill should any adult approach my child: "No you may not touch me, no you may not search me, I do not give consent to any search, I will not answer any questions without my lawyer or my father" Until she has that drill down, she won't be going anywhere without her parents.

It is your child, trust no one.

Surrender2Win · Sep 5, 2008

Neenie1 said:
From day one we told our son the correct names for his penis and testicles and bottom and no-one was to touch these without permission from mum and dad (lets face it even if you take the child to the doctor your going to be there right?) and so far all has been well. We have also told him that there are always going to be people who want to hurt others and who want to hurt children and they need to tell a trusted grown up if this happens (eg teacher, mum, dad, grandparents, aunt, uncle, pastor at church etc etc etc) unfortunately it's someone from the above list that does hurt the child, so we haven't crossed that bridge.

I don't think he is scared of anything happening, we have just been very upfront with him and told him things in a child appropriate way as he has asked.

This is similar to how we have handled it.

Linnis · Sep 5, 2008

My nephew was 5. I told him what's covered by underwear is private. That nobody, even if it doesn't feel bad, should touch it unless we're at the doctors or something. We also had talks about personal space and his right to say no if he didn't want to be touched, even if the touch was not bad, like a hug.

It didn't happen all at once, we spoke of it a couple dozen times over the course of maybe 3-4 months.

I also told him, besides Christmas Presents, adults should never ask him to keep secrets. That he'd never get in trouble for telling me, his Uncle, Grandma etc something if he was worried about it - even if the adult or bigger person told him he would.

hisbloodformysins · Sep 6, 2008

ardeur said:
How do you teach young children about "private parts," "bad touching," and "bad people" without scaring them? I think this is a very serious and necessary topic to introduce at a young age, but how do you guys approach it? Of course... as a parent I will do all in my power to keep my children with me, keep an ever watchful eye, surround them with daily prayer BUT... even with all that, I KNOW, from personal experience growing up, that inappropriate things can STILL happen no matter how attentive and careful the parents are.

Eeek... any personal anecdotes and advice would be appreciated.

hmmm, I think that on and off I'll make little statements to them like "your pee is your private parts and if anyone ever tries to touch them except for mom and dad when we are helping you wipe your bottoms, then you tell them no and you tell us"

I also telll them a lot not to ever get in a car with a stranger even if they are nice and offer them candy. I tell them that some people may act nice, but are really bad and will try to take them away from mommy and daddy.

This isn't something I dwell on with them, but I do bring it up from time to time especially when we go to a public place like a pool or fair grounds or something. It may scare them a little but there should be some fear of strange people. But I don't go into gory details of what can happen to them. I think frequent instructions in those areas are helpful so that if a time were to come up that a bad person approached them they'll be confident in what to do. As a matter of fact they were having fun with it and talking about it in the car one day saying what they'd do if a bad guy tried to grab them and my 3 year old girl said "i'll punch him in his eye" (have no idea where she got such a violent idea from LOL) and my son said he'd kick him in his privates and they took turns saying what they'd do to the bad guy.

I agree with you, I think it is necessary. It's better to be informed about it and comfortable discussing it as a family.

HB

bugaboo · Sep 7, 2008

Unfortunately it's an ongoing thing that doesn't end when children learn that others shouldn't touch them in private places. As they get older you have to teach them how to respond to unwanted attention too.

Last month my 10 year old daughter and three of her friends ages 9-12 went to a nearby store where a middle aged man came touched each one of them one the arm or shoulder, and he smiled and acted flirtatious. The girls ignored him and left as soon as they thought the coast was clear, went home and told the parents right away but they failed to make a scene at the store or tell the sales clerks. My daughter felt as though she should say something or yell "no", but didn't want to make a scene because it wasn't like the guy was trying to kidnap her or anything - all four girls felt that way. They didn't talk to the sales clerks at the store because they were only teenagers and didn't feel that they would have the authority to do much of anything. I've had even more talks with my kids since then about how to respond to unwanted attention.

I've seen shows before, like 20/20 that demonstrate that even when you tell kids repeatedly what to do in certain situations, they often don't follow through.

Many parents tell their children not to talk to strangers but I think it might be better to teach them how to talk to strangers so that they aren't afraid to say no to an elder or to make a scene in a public place or to talk to a sales clerk.

I also told him, besides Christmas Presents, adults should never ask him to keep secrets. That he'd never get in trouble for telling me, his Uncle, Grandma etc something if he was worried about it - even if the adult or bigger person told him he would.

Great advice!

Neenie1 · Sep 7, 2008

Linnis said:
I also told him, besides Christmas Presents, adults should never ask him to keep secrets. That he'd never get in trouble for telling me, his Uncle, Grandma etc something if he was worried about it - even if the adult or bigger person told him he would.

That's a very good point. I haven't thought about that yet. Maybe I'll start telling my kids that one.

ardeur · Sep 8, 2008

bugaboo said:
Many parents tell their children not to talk to strangers but I think it might be better to teach them how to talk to strangers so that they aren't afraid to say no to an elder or to make a scene in a public place or to talk to a sales clerk.

Wow, I hadn't thought of that before. That's great advice. My sisters and I were naturally very shy and timid, and there were times that we SHOULD have spoken up against an adult who was doing and saying inappropriate things, but we simply didn't know how to. We were always taught to be obedient and respectful of our elders, but that really backfires when another adult is overstepping boundaries.

Macx · Sep 8, 2008

I think it might be better to teach them how to talk to strangers

You may not touch me, I do not conscent to any search, I will not answer any more questions without my lawyer or my daddy. Here are their phone numbers.

Sometimes the bad guys have credentials.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4097602514885833865

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6014022229458915912&hl=en

Here is why & now it is your job to get your kids on board

EbonNelumbo · Sep 8, 2008

Interesting topic. Subscribing...

bugaboo · Sep 8, 2008

Sometimes the bad guys have credentials.

I understand what you're saying. I wasn't thinking of it that way. Like ardeur, I was very shy and timid as a child and would have been afraid to say no to an adult.

You may not touch me, I do not conscent to any search, I will not answer any more questions without my lawyer or my daddy. Here are their phone numbers.

Click to expand...

I know you were talking about actual law inforcement/government people, but this also reminds me of something I saw on television once about a fast food place where someone playing a "prank" and posing as a police officer convinced the naive management staff to strip search her.

http://www.courier-journal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051009/NEWS01/510090392

Moriah_Conquering_Wind · Sep 16, 2008

would the thoughts of an abuse survivor be welcome here?

ardeur · Sep 17, 2008

Moriah_Conquering_Wind said:
would the thoughts of an abuse survivor be welcome here?

Oh yes, by all means!! Definitely.

heart of peace · Sep 17, 2008

I recommend reading From Diapers to Dating. A great book.
For my family, it is a natural progression. There is no need to have "the talk" as I don't allow sexual topics to be taboo or not discussed. My son knows the correct terminology of his genital area and when he asks questions, I respond simply without applying adult meaning to it or without going too much in depth or too analytical on him.

heart of peace · Sep 17, 2008

Ok, now that I read through this whole thread, I recommend a different book. Read Protecting the Gift by Gavin De Becker. In my opinion, this should be required reading for all new parents...lol It is a great and insightful book on how to keep your children safe in this ever increasing violent world. He touches on sexual predators, babysitter safety, kidnapping, stranger danger myths, etc...

-~Truth_N_Trust~- · Sep 18, 2008

Macx, love your take on this, we are similar with our kids, some may think we're being overprotective...

I like the comments on knowing how to talk to strangers, I would also add about teaching them to trust their instincts about people - I never force my daughter to speak to strangers (ie. shopkeepers saying 'hello what's your name?'), she's shy so sometimes she'll say Hi, sometimes she'll hide behind me.

Then it is having courage and wisdom to trust those instincts, even if it means being slightly rude. Whilst I would like my children to be polite and respectful, there is a place for knowing and asserting your rights - they will not get in trouble for that.

Something along the lines of - realise what your instinct is telling you, pray, remove yourself from the situation (scene or not), tell someone (mum+dad).

greenie · Sep 19, 2008

This site is extremely helpful for any parent. It actually comes in the form of a book that my sister sent me but I managed to find it online and have passed the link on to so many parents I know.
Check out the section "What to teach your children"

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