Hello everyone, just looking for some help here. My family growing up were christians so believing in God was somewhat of an everday thing. My great grandmother NEVER missed church, she died of bone cancer at the age of 75 and even in her last days on earth when she couldn't physically go to church, she had church on her tv every sunday. I know that being dedicated to God is alot more than simply attending church, but I just wanted to give a brief summary of my christian background. Anyway, the last 2 years of my life have been awful for me. Not because of petty earthly things such as finances or job stress, but because I feel as though I don't know God as well as I want to. At first I didn't do anything about it and I figured it would just go away but that absolutely did not happen. Throughout my teenage years (I'm 22 now) I never thought in depth about my lifestyle and I just assumed that because I wasn't perfect and I was a decent person that would be good enough to make it to heaven. Now that I'm into early adulthood and can understand things better, I have doubted the existence of God on numerous occasions, thanks to all these scientists with their theories of evolution and the Big Bang, even though the big bang theory suggests that life came about by chance from expanding rocks and gases, yet, it's also scientific fact that life can't come from something that doesn't live. How contradicting. anyway, I smoke cigarettes, and drink alcohol. I'm also a musician and some of the subject matter is very sinful. I love music and I can't fathom giving it up. There isn't a single day, better yet a single hour that goes by without me feeling unbelievably guilty about my sinful behavior. I always have this feeling that God is looking at me in disapointment. I pray sometimes and can't manage to continue praying, I go months at a time in between prayers. Yet, there are times when I just don't know if God exists or not. It's very frustrating because I want to have a faith in God that is unbreakable. I have an unbearable fear of death and I feel that the only feasible cause of this fear is the fact that I have doubt in my mind about the existence of heaven. Their are only 2 things that I fear more than death, God not existing, and facing God and being banished to Hell. I know all of this probably sounds like a lunatic rant but this is an everyday battle for me. I don't know where else to turn because I don't belong to a church, and I don't know many christians anymore. (my familys' faith in God took a devastating blow when my grandma passed on) So i'm hoping some of you on this board can point me in the right direction so I can end all of this madness once and for all. thanks.