Resolving little issues...

christianhikerchick · Mar 9, 2009

For your relationship, how do you resolve little issues?

My bf and i have very different ideas on which person should give in to the others request...if we come to an issue where one person wants to do something (and by this i DO NOT mean anything that the person is morally objecting to)and the other doesnt, how do you resolve it?

does the person who doesnt want to do the thing do it bc they know that the other person will be happy as a result?

or does the person asking just drop the issue so that the other person doesnt have to do something that they dont want to do?

I have been raised to do the first...and this goes beyond just a relationship, but to interacting with family and other people as well. im having a hard time seeing the other one leading to a good relationship bc it seems like it will lead to more time spent apart and more distance emotionally...and also because of the fact that every healthy relationship that i have seen goes by the first for the majority of things. Any successful examples of the second type working?

peanutbutter12 · Mar 9, 2009

Relationships are sometimes about sacrifice and giving into things that will make the other happy. I think it depends on the issue itself and how important it is. The thing to remember is that even little things can be important to someone.

A good example of this was recently, I came to the conclusion that I needed a new keyboard for my mobile studio. My wife was not pleased to hear that I was going to be spending another $400 when I have spent much much more in the past year on studio gear. But while she wasn't happy about it, she understood the need as we travel quite a bit. She could have put her foot down, said no, but it was a sacrifice she was willing to make on my behalf.

Each situation is different, but what it boils down to is the logic and the desire. Is it more logical for one way or the other to happen? Who is more adamant in their passion of that decision? If one person wants to go for a walk together, and the other does not, who wins the battle? Who cares more about the other to sacrifice the decision vs who wants to make the other one happy?

PolarBear3 · Mar 9, 2009

I think this depends a lot on how each of you feel about the particular issue. If something means a lot to the other person and would make them happy, then that can be more important than the actual request. For instance, if it makes my boyfriend happy for us to go sailing together, I will go even if it's not something I would choose to do on my own. To me, sometimes the important thing is spending time together, it doesn't matter so much what we are doing. But it's also important to have your own interests and not always be doing everything together - time apart can be a good thing sometimes. So I think it is OK to say "no, I don't want to do that today, why don't you go without me or invite one of your friends to go with you."

I think it's important to have a balance. If you are doing what he wants to do out of love - thinking about his happiness instead of your own - that's great. If you're rarely doing what he wants to do or rarely doing things together, then that of course is a problem. If you feel like you are doing what he wants only because that's what you were raised to do, if you feel like things are unfair or that you're feeling resentful, or you are saying to yourself "why do *I* always have to be the one to give in and do what *he* wants to do" ... those feelings are telling you that the balance is off and that needs to be talked about.

I hope that's helpful.

Kathy

Luther073082 · Mar 9, 2009

We aren't married so there are a lot of issues that we don't have to face yet. (Such as financial issues)

However I really can't answer the question because any issues I can think of are just solved in what seems to be a very natural way between the two of us. It just . . . happens and easily. I don't give in every time, and I would think that Melissa would tell you that she isn't giving in every time.

I will say though, that it helps a lot that by the grace of God we have a lot of the same interests and enjoy the same type of stuff.

explodingboy · Mar 9, 2009

discuss and compromise, is our favorite method.

latteda · Mar 9, 2009

I would echo what the others are saying. Sometimes one gives in; sometimes the other.

Do you guys have a lot of mutual interests?

Generally speaking, I don't ask him to do things that he doesn't want to do. For instance, I don't ask him to go see chick flicks with me or to accompany me to weddings. He wouldn't enjoy it, so that's the purpose of asking him to spend the money and the time doing something that we won't enjoy doing together? If he's not going to be happy, then I won't be. I can do these things by myself or with another friend and then we'll both be happy. On Valentine's Day, he even offered to take me to see Coraline, but I knew he wouldn't like it so I instead chose a movie I knew we would both enjoy. The next week I went and saw Coraline with one of my girlfriends.

There are times he asks me to do things I don't really want to do and vice versa. If it's something that's important, the person who doesn't really want to will usually give in. For instance, if he asks me to accompany him to an event where he's working, I'll go because it is a way to support him in his job. Or, if I ask him to help me go car shopping, he'll agree even though it's probably not on his list of top things to do for fun on a Saturday.

I think one of the most important aspects of a relationship is companionship and friendship, which is largely built on mutual interests. I never wanted to be with someone that I had to change my interests for. We share many common interests and so we usually get along just fine doing things we love to do together. We will sometimes introduce the other person to new things that could become a mutual interest, but there will always be areas where you don't agree. The thing is that often people will do things with the other person just to please them when they are dating and then when they get married they don't want to do those things anymore. That's why I personally like it when we spend our time doing things we both enjoy...because that way the companionship aspect of our relationship isn't likely to drastically change after we're married and the honeymoon phase is over. Sure, every relationship requires a lot of sacrifice...but it shouldn't be that way all the time. Someone shouldn't ALWAYS be sacrificing in order to spend time together.

But that's us. And I admit we are both pretty independent.

Mrs. Luther073082 · Mar 9, 2009

Luther073082 said:
We aren't married so there are a lot of issues that we don't have to face yet. (Such as financial issues)

However I really can't answer the question because any issues I can think of are just solved in what seems to be a very natural way between the two of us. It just . . . happens and easily. I don't give in every time, and I would think that Melissa would tell you that she isn't giving in every time.

I will say though, that it helps a lot that by the grace of God we have a lot of the same interests and enjoy the same type of stuff.

^What he said.

Luther073082 · Mar 9, 2009

latteda said:
Generally speaking, I don't ask him to do things that he doesn't want to do. For instance, I don't ask him to go see chick flicks with me or to accompany me to weddings. He wouldn't enjoy it, so that's the purpose of asking him to spend the money and the time doing something that we won't enjoy doing together? If he's not going to be happy, then I won't be. I can do these things by myself or with another friend and then we'll both be happy. On Valentine's Day, he even offered to take me to see Coraline, but I knew he wouldn't like it so I instead chose a movie I knew we would both enjoy. The next week I went and saw Coraline with one of my girlfriends.

I agree with you on premise but I think he aught to accompany you to weddings. I'd be kind of unhappy if my GF refused to go to a wedding just because "she didn't like them". I've been to way too many weddings & receptions by myself. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines feeling like a loser everytime they go "Everybody grab your sweetheart for a dance"

latteda · Mar 9, 2009

Luther073082 said:
I agree with you on premise but I think he aught to accompany you to weddings. I'd be kind of unhappy if my GF refused to go to a wedding just because "she didn't like them". I've been to way too many weddings & receptions by myself. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines feeling like a loser everytime they go "Everybody grab your sweetheart for a dance"

He would go if I asked him; I just don't see any reason to ask him. I can go by myself and be totally fine with it. I know most people are not like that, but I simply don't see the need for him to go with me.

christianhikerchick · Mar 9, 2009

For the most part, we are blessed in having very similar interests...theology being a main one. its just on a few little things that we are not lining up on. If there is anything major, we both are willing to comprimise, but on the minor stuff it seems that he reasons that since hes willing to comprimise on major stuff he doesnt have to for the minor.

Mrs. Luther073082 · Mar 9, 2009

christianhikerchick said:
For the most part, we are blessed in having very similar interests...theology being a main one. its just on a few little things that we are not lining up on. If there is anything major, we both are willing to comprimise, but on the minor stuff it seems that he reasons that since hes willing to comprimise on major stuff he doesnt have to for the minor.

let me give a few examples to show what i mean. first, i love taking pictures and he doesnt...i would like to have a nice picture (just one, not a million and one) of the two of us together, or of one just of him that i didnt have to steal from a friend and crop but he wont let me (we've been together for seven months). another example is that he is very private about things...from not wanting to put that hes in a relationship with me on his facebook page (he says that hes just being humble about our relationship but if people ask he will tell them about us) to locking his computer. whenever i see him at his house he locks his computer so i cant see whats on it (which i can understand since we are just dating and he doesnt like nosey people) but when i asked if that would carry over if we got married someday he said that if he chose to continue doing that i would have to deal with it and be submissive about it, and that it shouldnt matter bc i should trust him and know that he would be open with all the important things (i dont like the idea of keeping secrets when it comes to marriage even if i do trust him...it seems like it would cause problems and that if you are doing something that you know bothers the other person you should seek to change it if possible.)

those are just a few of the lil things...we dont have very many, but the way he goes about them are worrying me a little bc if he doesnt want to do it or doesnt understand why something bothers me, he just thinks that its me being a girl and i should get over it (kinda like being a drama queen...hes pretty much completely anti emotion and all reason). I know that if i was doing something that really bothered him, i would attempt to change it if possible, or at least attempt to comprimise... I also acknowledge the fact that i am biased in my view of this due to the fact that these things bother me and i want them to change, which is why i am seeking advice. Is this type of thing normal...in all of the relationships that i have been around i havent seen this...and im concerned that it will cause problems later in the relationship.

Honestly, I don't think those things are normal, but maybe that is because my relationship is pretty much completely the opposite. For one thing we take a lot of pictures and we each have multiple framed pictures of each other and the two of us around our homes. My boyfriend isn't as into taking pictures as I am (to be fair I don't think many people are lol) but he goes along with my "picture frenzies" anyway and I appreciate that. Also we changed our relationship status on facebook the day that we decided we were in a relationship. Finally we trust each other with each other's computers. I let my boyfriend use my laptop when he's here and waiting on me to get out of the shower and he has no problem letting me use his computer when he's not around, either.

I think you have legit reasons to be bothered by these things. I would definitely be really bothered if I was dating someone and they didn't want to make the relationship public on facebook, didn't want to take photos together, didn't want to give me a photo of themselves, and if they locked their computer whenever I was around -- especially that last part. If it were me I would feel very suspicious of that to be honest.

christianhikerchick · Mar 9, 2009

maycontainnuts said:
Honestly, I don't think those things are normal, but maybe that is because my relationship is pretty much completely the opposite. For one thing we take a lot of pictures and we each have multiple framed pictures of each other and the two of us around our homes. My boyfriend isn't as into taking pictures as I am (to be fair I don't think many people are lol) but he goes along with my "picture frenzies" anyway and I appreciate that. Also we changed our relationship status on facebook the day that we decided we were in a relationship. Finally we trust each other with each other's computers. I let my boyfriend use my laptop when he's here and waiting on me to get out of the shower and he has no problem letting me use his computer when he's not around, either.

I think you have legit reasons to be bothered by these things. I would definitely be really bothered if I was dating someone and they didn't want to make the relationship public on facebook, didn't want to take photos together, didn't want to give me a photo of themselves, and if they locked their computer whenever I was around -- especially that last part. If it were me I would feel very suspicious of that to be honest.

Im not suspicious... he is a good guy and truly a blessing to me in many ways, and i know that he cares for me dearly. It just bothers me that he wont let me into that part of his life...espec if we end up getting married and things stay the same. I have told him that it hurts me that he is so secretive and he just thinks that im making a big deal out of little things. Thats where we are coming to the problem in resolving these little things...i want them to change bc it hurts me and he doesnt want to change it bc he thinks that im getting upset over stupid and unimportant things. Who should give in here...or how can we come to a comprimise?

explodingboy · Mar 10, 2009

christianhikerchick said:
Im not suspicious... he is a good guy and truly a blessing to me in many ways, and i know that he cares for me dearly. It just bothers me that he wont let me into that part of his life...espec if we end up getting married and things stay the same. I have told him that it hurts me that he is so secretive and he just thinks that im making a big deal out of little things. Thats where we are coming to the problem in resolving these little things...i want them to change bc it hurts me and he doesnt want to change it bc he thinks that im getting upset over stupid and unimportant things. Who should give in here...or how can we come to a comprimise?

At a skim read, it really looks like he isn't offering to even give an inch, so if your after a compromise it should be coming from him. To some degree he is right about some things being minor, such as the face book, but at the same time I'd side with you. After 2yrs of dating and getting engaged, my other half still has this tendency to refer to me as her friend when talking online, which does bug me at times but its one of her little things she does, if I point it out she will corrects it (or else she gets tickled >_> ) but at the same time its just something I've learned to get used to.

As to the locking his PC whenever your around, that does seem odd to me, but I will say that I'm a very open person. Keeping secrets takes too much effort, plus me and my women, know all of the others passwords and user names for everything, and its just a trust thing that we don't go snopping around each others private files without asking first if there is a reason such as needing to find someones email address.

I don't like the whole attitude of you should just submit and deal with it, that comes off as just arrogant to me. Perhaps some premarital counseling could be a wise investment to avoid future problems.

christianhikerchick · Mar 10, 2009

explodingboy said:
At a skim read, it really looks like he isn't offering to even give an inch, so if your after a compromise it should be coming from him. To some degree he is right about some things being minor, such as the face book, but at the same time I'd side with you. After 2yrs of dating and getting engaged, my other half still has this tendency to refer to me as her friend when talking online, which does bug me at times but its one of her little things she does, if I point it out she will corrects it (or else she gets tickled >_> ) but at the same time its just something I've learned to get used to.

As to the locking his PC whenever your around, that does seem odd to me, but I will say that I'm a very open person. Keeping secrets takes too much effort, plus me and my women, know all of the others passwords and user names for everything, and its just a trust thing that we don't go snopping around each others private files without asking first if there is a reason such as needing to find someones email address.

I don't like the whole attitude of you should just submit and deal with it, that comes off as just arrogant to me. Perhaps some premarital counseling could be a wise investment to avoid future problems.

Thanks for the response...i appreciate it.

explodingboy · Mar 10, 2009

christianhikerchick said:
Thanks for the response...i appreciate it. as for the counseling, we arent that far along to go into that, plus i think that it will be difficult to find someones who he would take advice from (hes anti emotion and all reason). i think that im done with this forum and this site though...my bf found out about the posts and is upset by them bc he doesnt want his online reputation to be ruined. i was writing to try to get advice bc i am not the most experienced person when it comes to relationships and didnt intend for it to look bad on him in any way... but anyways, he isnt too pleased about it....so to prevent this being traced back to him, he is no longer my cf friend and is now "single" when hes online...this site is just going to remind me of it and its already very hurtful... so im done... God bless and thanks again, you guys really are a blessing!

He sounds abit overly controlling... in the not so good way.

Luther073082 · Mar 10, 2009

christianhikerchick said:
For the most part, we are blessed in having very similar interests...theology being a main one. its just on a few little things that we are not lining up on. If there is anything major, we both are willing to comprimise, but on the minor stuff it seems that he reasons that since hes willing to comprimise on major stuff he doesnt have to for the minor.

let me give a few examples to show what i mean. first, i love taking pictures and he doesnt...i would like to have a nice picture (just one, not a million and one) of the two of us together, or of one just of him that i didnt have to steal from a friend and crop but he wont let me (we've been together for seven months). another example is that he is very private about things...from not wanting to put that hes in a relationship with me on his facebook page (he says that hes just being humble about our relationship but if people ask he will tell them about us) to locking his computer. whenever i see him at his house he locks his computer so i cant see whats on it (which i can understand since we are just dating and he doesnt like nosey people) but when i asked if that would carry over if we got married someday he said that if he chose to continue doing that i would have to deal with it and be submissive about it, and that it shouldnt matter bc i should trust him and know that he would be open with all the important things (i dont like the idea of keeping secrets when it comes to marriage even if i do trust him...it seems like it would cause problems and that if you are doing something that you know bothers the other person you should seek to change it if possible.)

those are just a few of the lil things...we dont have very many, but the way he goes about them are worrying me a little bc if he doesnt want to do it or doesnt understand why something bothers me, he just thinks that its me being a girl and i should get over it (kinda like being a drama queen...hes pretty much completely anti emotion and all reason). I know that if i was doing something that really bothered him, i would attempt to change it if possible, or at least attempt to comprimise... I also acknowledge the fact that i am biased in my view of this due to the fact that these things bother me and i want them to change, which is why i am seeking advice. Is this type of thing normal...in all of the relationships that i have been around i havent seen this...and im concerned that it will cause problems later in the relationship.

I think his secrecy is a lot bigger of a deal then you are letting it be. I really would suggest you look past yoru initial reactions and try to figure out whats going on here.

Listen you are emotionally tied to this, and we arn't. Because of that we can give you a much more logical look at things. And I'm smelling a rat of some type.

1. For some reason he seems to not want anyone to know he's with you. Refusing to change the facebook status. Not taking any pictures with you.

2. There is SOMETHING on his computer he doesn't want you to see.

Now I want to note that this does not necessarily have to be anything bad. It could be just that he has financial information on there that he doesn't want you to see. But it still begs a lot of questions.

I'm smelling a rat to be bluntly honest.

latteda · Mar 10, 2009

In my experience, if someone is really into you, they're going to want to be identified with you. Certainly after seven months.

Luther073082 · Mar 10, 2009

latteda said:
In my experience, if someone is really into you, they're going to want to be identified with you. Certainly after seven months.

Yes thats what weirds me out. I couldn't wait to put up pictures of Melissa and myself and change my facebook status even though that is pretty meaningless.

But I guess this guy might have *some* point. Maybe me posting all those photos and the status is just a way for me to show off to everyone else on facebook how hot my girlfriend is.

Mrs. Luther073082 · Mar 10, 2009

explodingboy said:
He sounds abit overly controlling... in the not so good way.

Yeah.

Mrs. Luther073082 · Mar 10, 2009

christianhikerchick said:
Thanks for the response...i appreciate it. as for the counseling, we arent that far along to go into that, plus i think that it will be difficult to find someones who he would take advice from (hes anti emotion and all reason). i think that im done with this forum and this site though...my bf found out about the posts and is upset by them bc he doesnt want his online reputation to be ruined.

For someone who claims to be all about logic, this seems like a pretty emotional response to me.

First of all, it seems very hypocritical and unfair to me that he's so into your business on here but that you aren't allowed to even be on his computer. AND it seems unfair to me that it is OK for him to be upset by something but when you're upset about something it is basically deemed as "silly girl stuff".

Secondly, who cares about their "online reputation"? It's the internet. If people on here don't like you, and you actually care that they don't, all you have to do is turn off the computer and it is gone. That's what a logical person's reaction would be. Also, a logical person would realize that it isn't likely anyone on here who replied to this thread thought to themselves, "hey let's go look at her profile and try to find out who her bf is". It probably didn't occur to anyone and if it did they probably didn't care enough to actually look. People generally aren't that interested in what strangers are doing in real life, much less the internet.

i was writing to try to get advice bc i am not the most experienced person when it comes to relationships and didnt intend for it to look bad on him in any way... but anyways, he isnt too pleased about it....so to prevent this being traced back to him, he is no longer my cf friend and is now "single" when hes online...this site is just going to remind me of it and its already very hurtful... so im done... God bless and thanks again, you guys really are a blessing!

Again a very emotional, and frankly immature, response from somebody who wants to say he isn't emotional and yet put you down for being upset about certain things.

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Resolving little issues...

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Commit to the LORD whatever you do - Proverbs 16:3

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