- Dec 8, 2004
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This last year has been a real mess for me. I moved out of my mum's (she was mentally abusive) and into my dad's to start a new life with my dad, step mum to be and to make something of a life with my boyfriend.
I broke down about october, i was so deeply depressed i could barely motivate myself to get out of bed. I dropped out of college and eventually found myself trying to take my life. My boyfriend rang my therapist and helped me push to get hospitalised. I went into hospital, and eight weeks later came out, feeling able to sit my college exams.
There have been the normal ups and downs, but this last week, my boyfriend finished with me. Depression stripped me of all my people skills and a lot of memories of the last year. Everything is this depressed haze. I made a mistake and told what was apparently the biggest secret he'd ever told me to his brother, without even realising it. Well it got back to him and he finished with me by text.
And now i can see the depression coming back. I'm still hung up on him, and i want him back, but know that i'm powerless to change his decision. I can't motivate myself to eat, i'm struggling to motivate myself to go out, meet friends, do college work. I spend most of my time sleeping because i just feel tired, i guess i'm just trying to hide. This year at college is my A level year, determining whether or not i'll get into the university that i want to. It's a big year and i'm watching the darkness eat me up all over again. I feel so powerless against it. Self harm urges have started in full force again, and i just feel dead inside. The darkness really is returning with all it's force.
I'm not even sure why i'm posting here, I guess i just want to know that i'm not alone, and that relapses do happen. And i want to know how the heck i'm supposed to stop this relapse before it takes me and i end up back on the edge again.
I broke down about october, i was so deeply depressed i could barely motivate myself to get out of bed. I dropped out of college and eventually found myself trying to take my life. My boyfriend rang my therapist and helped me push to get hospitalised. I went into hospital, and eight weeks later came out, feeling able to sit my college exams.
There have been the normal ups and downs, but this last week, my boyfriend finished with me. Depression stripped me of all my people skills and a lot of memories of the last year. Everything is this depressed haze. I made a mistake and told what was apparently the biggest secret he'd ever told me to his brother, without even realising it. Well it got back to him and he finished with me by text.
And now i can see the depression coming back. I'm still hung up on him, and i want him back, but know that i'm powerless to change his decision. I can't motivate myself to eat, i'm struggling to motivate myself to go out, meet friends, do college work. I spend most of my time sleeping because i just feel tired, i guess i'm just trying to hide. This year at college is my A level year, determining whether or not i'll get into the university that i want to. It's a big year and i'm watching the darkness eat me up all over again. I feel so powerless against it. Self harm urges have started in full force again, and i just feel dead inside. The darkness really is returning with all it's force.
I'm not even sure why i'm posting here, I guess i just want to know that i'm not alone, and that relapses do happen. And i want to know how the heck i'm supposed to stop this relapse before it takes me and i end up back on the edge again.