Praying together

One tip I can give you, which I know from personal experience is that when you pray with someone else, pray from the heart rather than memorizing something you find online.

It's not a bad idea for you to start off with one of you saying a premeditated prayer but then just let it flow - it's best for praying for family, friends, hopes and dreams that way.

Hey Jonathan,

I've been going out with my girlfriend for almost three years now. We've had a study and prayer time together most times we've met up since we've been going out. Here are a few things we've done:

• We always ask each other for personal prayer requests before we pray and then pray for it.
• We share prayer requests of friends, again before we pray.
• We have gone through a structure of (each person taking one of the first three and both doing the last one):
  • Adoration: Praising God for who he is. Often this'll be thanking him for his work of salvation.
  • Confession: Confessing things we have done wrong and thanking Jesus for wiping them away.
  • Thanksgiving: Thanking God for particular blessings in our lives (don't forget Spiritual blessings!)
  • Petition: Asking God for things for each other, for our relationship and for others.
• We also either study the Bible together, read a book to each other or listen to a sermon and discuss it. This provides a format for prayer.

Just in case you're interested in what we do in our study time before prayer I'll go into more detail (it's an important note we are not just reading things that will build up our relationship with each other, we are more concerned with building up our relationship with Jesus. That will then build us up in him):

• Bible Study: We read through a book of the Bible in its entirety together. We believe the Bible teaches male headship and I am the more gifted biblically anyway, so I lead the study. Often I prepare it by studying it myself, but I do it off the cuff too. We normally chat about what it means and then how to apply it. If you struggle understanding and applying the Bible consider Dig Deeper by Nigel Benyon and Andrew Sach (sorry I'm too new to share links at the moment)
• Reading Christian Books: We read these to each other and every major section we stop and discuss what it meant, any bits we didn't understand and then how it applies to us. Here are some of the books we've read (I'd recommend all of them):
  • Knowing God: J.I. Packer
  • Boy Meets Girl: Joshua Harris
  • Call to Spiritual Reformation: D.A. Carson
  • Living the Cross-Centered Life: C.J. Mahaney
• Listening to sermons: We have read some sermons to each other but we normally get them off the net. Some great places to go for free are:
  • sovereigngracestore.com/category.aspx?categoryID=2073
  • desiringgod.org
  • media.marshillchurch.org/
  • chbcaudio.org/

Also don't worry if it doesn't feel amazing every time. Sometimes God, incredibly gracious as he is grants us a real sense of his presence in communal prayer. Sometimes he doesn't. He will be pleased with your faithfulness, just persevere. If it is for your benefit he will bless you with feelings more, but maybe it is for your benefit he doesn't sometimes (especially if your like me and are obsessed with feelings).

Hope that helps. Let me know if you want to know anything else and feel free to PM me.

All the best for living a relationship centred on Jesus
Tim

Those are some great points there, Tim. The Adoration / Confession / Thanksgiving / Petition ideas are really helpful.

I totally forgot to mention - I find it the best to pray before bed or possibly in the morning - lets you reflect on your day and hope for the next to go well.

my spouse and i usually pray together before bed. i haven't read any books about it, but the biggest thing for us is dealing with the vulnerability of letting someone else know your concerns/sins/fears. we pray for each others shortcomings and we pray for our own. it can be scary at first, but it's really rewarding to build that trust and communication, i think.

You should not be praying together like that until you are married, prayer is a very intimate time between us and God and to bring someone into that that you are not married to is going to open the doors to all types of problems and temptations

I disagree that we shouldn't pray before being married. You should always pray. Also I did with my bf and it strengthened our relationship. God wouldn't lead people into some strange temptation when they pray together.

unkern said:

You should not be praying together like that until you are married, prayer is a very intimate time between us and God and to bring someone into that that you are not married to is going to open the doors to all types of problems and temptations

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i think if you go into it fearful or expecting in anyway to feel those temptations then you're pretty much guaranteeing you'll feel those temptations.

Prayer, though a good way to strengthen you relationship and edify one another, shouldn't be focused on the other person in the room. Its a time for you both to be focusing completely on God together. But if you can't focus on God then you're right to avoid praying or worshiping or doing devotions together. How that would work in a serious relationship or a marriage, i'm not sure, because those same distractions will exist if they're not addressed and handled head-on. but to each their own.

I have also been told to never get into intimate prayer with someone until you're about to marry that person. Someone once told me it is the equivalent of having "spiritual sex" with that person. I'm not talking about basic prayers but those prayers from the heart where you're pouring everything out to God. That is a prayer saved for God and when married your spouse. I'm surprised nobody else has heard of people falling into temptation during intimate prayer, pastor's all my life have told me that. When I was going through premarital counseling with my fiance and pastor he suggested we only started praying intimately about 2 months away from the wedding.

I'm glad I never let any of my other boyfriends in on my intimate prayer life because it's a special thing, just like sex is, and should be saved for you and your spouse.

just to help others understand. I meant intimate prayer and not basic prayers as k_lorent had said, but I figured you would get that.

My boyfriend and I do pray together, and we don't believe in doing anything only half way. When we talk to God, we mean it. It is very special for us, and it was difficult at first to let it all out to God with another person there, but it has helped us grow so much closer together. Though I've realized we have one major difference, and that is that he prays in tongues, and that I will never. But a little difference never hurt anyone, and we do have separate prayer lives - we just bond and enjoy spending time talking to God together at times.

kl_lorent said:

I have also been told to never get into intimate prayer with someone until you're about to marry that person. Someone once told me it is the equivalent of having "spiritual sex" with that person. I'm not talking about basic prayers but those prayers from the heart where you're pouring everything out to God. That is a prayer saved for God and when married your spouse. I'm surprised nobody else has heard of people falling into temptation during intimate prayer, pastor's all my life have told me that. When I was going through premarital counseling with my fiance and pastor he suggested we only started praying intimately about 2 months away from the wedding.

I'm glad I never let any of my other boyfriends in on my intimate prayer life because it's a special thing, just like sex is, and should be saved for you and your spouse.

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unkern said:

just to help others understand. I meant intimate prayer and not basic prayers as k_lorent had said, but I figured you would get that.

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i still don't really get it... I'm not trying to be argumentative here but is intimate prayer not allowed for any unmarried persons? Am i not allowed to pray intimately with a sister in Christ or a family member or even a prayer group? or even with my church body? Where is the Biblical justification for suggesting it would be wrong or equal to having "spiritual sex" with the person you're praying with?

I can understand if some couples don't feel comfortable enough with their SO to open themselves up that much to the other person but i really see no Biblical basis for saying praying intimately (and intimate can be a subjective term) with someone you're not married to is asking for temptations and should be avoided at all costs until after the wedding. But if you have the verses and not just an opinion or hearsay from some pastor i've never met i'd love to see them.

Intimate prayer unites you spirit and heart and body(acts4:32) in a way that the unmarried are not strong enough to handle, your body is not to be joined until marriage. Your souls become naked before the Lord. As for prayer with the body of your church, that is a different type of prayer, those are your basic praying for someone or something prayers.

that verse doesn't back up what you're saying though... in fact it seems to refute your argument

And being let go, they went to their own companions and reported all that the chief priests and elders had said to them. 24 So when they heard that, they raised their voice to God with one accord and said: “Lord, You are God, who made heaven and earth and the sea, and all that is in them, 25 who by the mouth of Your servant David[b] have said:


‘ Why did the nations rage,
And the people plot vain things?
26 The kings of the earth took their stand,
And the rulers were gathered together
Against the LORD and against His Christ.’

27 “For truly against Your holy Servant Jesus, whom You anointed, both Herod and Pontius Pilate, with the Gentiles and the people of Israel, were gathered together 28 to do whatever Your hand and Your purpose determined before to be done. 29 Now, Lord, look on their threats, and grant to Your servants that with all boldness they may speak Your word, 30 by stretching out Your hand to heal, and that signs and wonders may be done through the name of Your holy Servant Jesus.”
31 And when they had prayed, the place where they were assembled together was shaken; and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit, and they spoke the word of God with boldness

32 Now the multitude of those who believed were of one heart and one soul; neither did anyone say that any of the things he possessed was his own, but they had all things in common. 33 And with great power the apostles gave witness to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus. And great grace was upon them all. 34 Nor was there anyone among them who lacked; for all who were possessors of lands or houses sold them, and brought the proceeds of the things that were sold, 35 and laid them at the apostles’ feet; and they distributed to each as anyone had need.
36 And Joses, who was also named Barnabas by the apostles (which is translated Son of Encouragement), a Levite of the country of Cyprus, 37 having land, sold it, and brought the money and laid it at the apostles’ feet.

-Acts 4

Here was an entire group of people united together in prayer and i'm willing to bet good money they weren't all married to each other yet it wasn't seen as something to be avoided but embraced as something that united brothers and sisters together in faith and apparently the Lord blessed them for seeking to be united together in such a powerful way. Is there some actual Biblical substantiation for telling couples that praying together is wrong? Because if so then rather than giving us your opinion of the matter it'd be better to bring that forth. Scripture is what ultimately will be the authority here.

OK, so for starters, there are some things that are not direct commands in the Bible, for example, what movies we should be watching or what exactly "modest" clothing is (just to throw out some examples). So SOME things have to adjust as culture changes, they aren't "red light" issues where there is a clear warning, nor are they "green light" issues saying that we should do something. I would say that this is more of a "yellow light" issue that has to be dealt with by going to a pastor for advice and coming to one's own conclusion.

In our culture it is easy to get in the car and be alone with your boyfriend or girlfriend, which was not the case in Bible time so this issue is not a clear "red light" issue due to this fact. The best explanation I can provide is that in just the same way that God desires for us to wait until we're married to be one in body, so does He desire for us to wait until we are married to be one in spirit and soul through intimate prayer.

One website I found, Christian-Life-Advisor.com under Christian dating tips says not to pray alone together when you're first dating, then it says, "when you pray with someone of the opposite sex that you care about you begin to build a level of intimacy that can often lead to trouble."

prayer is pretty fundamental to the Christian faith though, always has been, its not like new issues thrown at us today about what movies to watch or what books to read etc.... If its wrong now to pray with someone you're not married to i'd think the Bible would say something about it just like it has something to say about sex outside of Marriage. Yet, unless i'm mistaken, it seems to be silent on that.

Man's advice, though usually well meant, is fallible, which is why i'm pushing for some Biblical basis for the argument and not something you've heard from a pastor or a Christian minister of any kind. They're liable to make errors in their judgments, the Bible isn't.

As far as whether it's right to pray with other believers, of course it is, but that's a completely different issue. Of course it would be amazing if the church came together with one accord, it's just that between boyfriend/girlfriend there are so many other things going on and uniting them as one before they are to be one in body and soul.

I love the Word of God and believe that you can find answers for everything in life in it and a big part of the answers are found in Proverbs which talks over and over again about listening to wisdom from elders in the faith. For "yellow light" light issues like this it is best to talk to pastors and to pray about it to find the answer.

Dating like it is today isn't the same as it was in Biblical times. Dating didn't happen in Biblical times at all, so whether it is right to pray as a dating couple is a new issue for us to sort out today. Either way, I'm glad to hear that so many people do want to put Christ first in their relationships and if they truly feel called to do so, so be it.

for yellow light issues like this, as you call them, i'd say Romans 14 comes into effect. If you can't prove something Biblically but feel convicted against something then you need to do as you feel God lead. Trying to make other believers follow your convictions or judging them for not following your convictions isn't right. There is a liberty in Christ and if my conscience or my boyfriend's conscience isn't bothered by the idea of praying together and feel led to do so then Biblically i can't see any reason not to.