Shocking news came from the Vatican today as Pope Benedictine, in his daily sermon to the masses from the famous balcony, decided that the Bible advises against many things that are not, but should be, recognized to Christians and enacted upon.
"The Holy Pope was growing older," One of the ministers at the Vatican said, "And while his wisdom rose, we were noticing the effects of age on his mind. Some of our counsel asked him if it would offend him if we requested that he read a little bit of the Holy Word every day to make sure he remembered it."
The Pope did not take any offense at all, citing it as a good idea. For the next few weeks, the elderly Father read as many as two books of the Bible per day when, as he related to the masses today, he had come across a startling revelation and had an epiphany.
"Long have we followed the word of the Lord, our God," The Pope said, projecting his voice from the balcony onto the citizens below, "Without question and without faithlessness. As we all know, Leviticus 18 clearly states that homosexuality is an abomination." The sound of people flinching at the word "homosexual" was clearly audible. "But, what many do not know, is that Leviticus also advises against many things we have yet to recognize."
The Pope went on to cite various lines from the book of Leviticus and decreeing them as virtually law among Christians. These verses and their accompanying restriction were:
1. Leviticus 11: 6-8, prohibiting the consumption of hares and pigs. The preceding verses go on to say that any animal that does not both have cloven feet and "chew the cud" are not to be eaten, but lists such unusual things as camels and horses, which were quite unnecessary to prohibit.
2. Leviticus 11: 9-11, which states that any sea-dwelling creature that does not bare both fins and scales are not to be consumed. It even goes on to call lobsters and shellfish "loathsome", not unlike the Jewish prohibition against shellfish.
3. Leviticus 12: 1-5, stating that whenever a woman gave birth to a child, she will be considered unclean for a total of 40 to 80 days (If she bears a boy, she will be unclean for 7 days after the birth and 33 days after the circumcision. If she births a girl, she'll be unclean for 14 days after the birth, then an additional 66 days.) These verses go on to declare that while a woman is considered unclean she is forbidden from touching anything or anyone sacred, and also forbidden from entering any churches or temples.
4. Leviticus 15: 1-12, which says that any man who has a chronic bed wetting problem shall be considered unclean, and anyone who touches them must immediately wash themselves, but they too will be considered just as filthy until evening.
5. Leviticus 15: 19-24, Much in the same way as the above prohibition, women who are having their menstrual cycle are too considered unclean for seven days or as long as it takes for her cycle to cease.
6. Leviticus 18: 19 States that you shall not approach any woman having her menstrual cycle with the prospect of intercourse. A later verse goes on to say that if a man is found guilty of this act, both he and the menstruating women will be forever exiled from their people
7. Leviticus 19: 14, The Pope, curiously enough, made a point of citing the line "you shall not put a stumbling block in a blind man's path." Apparently there are many mischievous Christians out there.
8. Leviticus 19: 19, where mating two animals of a different species is strictly prohibited. Any offspring of two animals of a different species (ex: a liger or a mule) shall be considered an abomination unto the Lord.
9. Leviticus 19: 26, Banning the consumption of blood sausage.
10. Leviticus 19: 33, which states "when an alien resides in your land, do not molest them." Strangely enough, the Pope, instead of taking this turn of phrase as it is generally accepted (Do not treat immigrants to your land as an outcast), instead interpreted it as saying that you are not allowed to have sexual relations with those outside of your home country, and promptly banned that.
11. Leviticus 19: 35-36, which states that no man shall be allowed to be dishonest in measuring length, weight, or capacity.
12. Leviticus 20: 9, in a shockingly harsh display of literal interpretation of the Bible, the Pope declared that any child who disrespects his parents will be punished by death.
Pope Benedictine made it a point to say that while these were the only new regulations he has decided upon so far, he may still come up with new ones as he continues re-reading the Bible before ending his sermon. Reaction to these new bans were mixed, but none were overwhelmingly negative. It seems as if the Christian way of life is going down a road of linear, complete, and unfathomable righteousness.