I am a survivor of abuse by my mother (tend to put it aside and lock it in a box - it has worked mostly), abuse by husband (in the past now and not a problem any more) and abuse by a priest (Anglican). All of this was in the past until something happened that brought back, first of all, the abuse by the priest. Doesn't matter what it was. Am in a different denomination now, and sought help from a priest in that denomination because it is the anniversary of my father's death on July 8th and that was what started the abuse by the priest - and something had triggered all of the horrible memories. The priest to whom I went for help (all I wanted him to do was let me tell my story, which I have only ever told to the Investigation Authorities and the priest was in fact found guilty but suffered no punshment for what he did over two years, to me), re-tramatised me, and this also brought back all the other abuse I suffered in my life.
I am now ill. Trying not to be ill. Trying to cope. Trying to be brave. Trying to put it aside, but have not been able to breathe since I spoke to this priest the other day. Also getting whilst I cannot eat - this was how it affected me originally. Scared still of putting food into my mouth. Got so sick and could have died. Not anorexia to do with weight, but to do with fear of food and fear of my body.
O.K. so I have been O.K. for years - well, kind of O.K. Coped well. Lived a fruitful life etc. etc. Not so now. I am going under again.
Right, so I read all about therapists, helpers, etc. and I too have gone through all of that. No help whatsoever. They are useless IMO.
So what do I do now? Where do I go? All I need to do is tell my story - the story of my life - long and complicated and no-one would really want to know. I jsut need someone to hear it and cry with me. Someone genuine.
But no such people exist.
Where do I go now? I am getting iller and iller now.
all I want to do is talk. But you can't trust anybody to talk to. Do I have to die? Cos that is how I feel right now. Oh I won't do anything so stupid as that. But how do I get rid of this hell? Just talking would do it. Nothing else. Nothing heavy. Just to tell my story to a real, live, living human being.
God bless you all and thanks for reading.
I am now ill. Trying not to be ill. Trying to cope. Trying to be brave. Trying to put it aside, but have not been able to breathe since I spoke to this priest the other day. Also getting whilst I cannot eat - this was how it affected me originally. Scared still of putting food into my mouth. Got so sick and could have died. Not anorexia to do with weight, but to do with fear of food and fear of my body.
O.K. so I have been O.K. for years - well, kind of O.K. Coped well. Lived a fruitful life etc. etc. Not so now. I am going under again.
Right, so I read all about therapists, helpers, etc. and I too have gone through all of that. No help whatsoever. They are useless IMO.
So what do I do now? Where do I go? All I need to do is tell my story - the story of my life - long and complicated and no-one would really want to know. I jsut need someone to hear it and cry with me. Someone genuine.
But no such people exist.
Where do I go now? I am getting iller and iller now.
all I want to do is talk. But you can't trust anybody to talk to. Do I have to die? Cos that is how I feel right now. Oh I won't do anything so stupid as that. But how do I get rid of this hell? Just talking would do it. Nothing else. Nothing heavy. Just to tell my story to a real, live, living human being.
God bless you all and thanks for reading.