All of this year I have been tormented with doubts about my salvation. Absolutely tormented, as in can't function to live a normal life. Prior to that I had 11 glorious years of assurance, never any doubt. I was serving the Lord, mostly as a wife and mother. Raising my kids up in the Lord, homeschooling, following my convictions best I could (although mine are way more conservative than my husbands so I can't quite follow as I would like). I never doubted my salvation, even thought I had the internal witness of the Holy Spirit. God was on my mind all day every day, everything I did was to please Him. Sure I struggled with shortcomings, etc. but I was trying to live my life for Him. I know I should have been praying and reading the Bible more, I was not doing those things enough.
I thought I got saved in 2004, when I first heard the gospel and believed. Problem is, at the beginning of this year I remembered an area of my life in which I was disobedient to God. Several years ago God had asked me to remain single and go on the mission field. In 2006 I got married instead, I disobeyed despite my convictions and the Holy Spirit leading. This just came to mind this year, I don't know why, and I have been tormented in the most horrific way. I am so worried that I committed
Luke 9:62, in which there seems to be no forgiveness for.
But Jesus said to him, “No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.”
Luke 9:62
Does it sound like I did? I also didn't forsake all to follow Jesus, I didn't love Him above all others. If I did, I would not have gotten married. I'm terrified, is there forgiveness for me? Is God done with me?
The Bible seems to condemn people who do what I did. "He who loves father and mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me."
Matthew 10:37. "And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me."
Matthew 10:38.
Please help, I'm terrified, I can't seem to move past this. I am so confused at this point. I have confessed this, and asked for forgiveness, but can't seem to move on as thoughts of Hell torment and terrify me.
Matthew 10:38 means taking up or shouldering your struggles in life, whatever life you choose and I know personally, that that is up to you, in God's eyes, and following after him can be done many different ways, many different paths, it just means keeping your eyes and focus on him through it...
Is God "mad" at or with you, or are you "unforgiven",
certainly not!, of that you have my personal reassurance, he has forgiven and accepted me for far more worse than you... And, if he'll do it for me, he'll do it for anyone... He's not "mad" at you, and your most certainly not, "unforgiven" either, for what, not being "perfect"...? Oh, God forbid, your not "perfect"...
He might be a little disappointed is all, in that he had a higher, greater, more personally fulfilling, satisfying, gratifying, and happier in life and not as much struggle for you, "purpose" in your life, that he may have had to offer to someone else... But, other than that, your still his child and he loves you very much, like you love your children... With your children, isn't it no matter what they do, or choose, you love them the same, right? So does God with you...
Say you had a college fund for one of the best colleges in the country set aside for your children, cause you wanted them to have a good, better, more satisfying, more personally fulfilling, happier, easier life... But, they started playing the guitar or got into art, and decided they wanted to be a rock musician, or had aspirations to be a famous artist, instead of what you planned for them and they chose not to go to college... Would you love them less? I'm guessing not... God is the same way with his plans for us... You knew that in those other pursuits your children had they were going to have to probably struggle more and have more problems in life, and that those fields are very competitive and they're chances of success would be a lot less, and more than likely, they were going to wind up flipping burgers somewhere...
You might be a little disappointed, but, would you love them less, and if they still loved and looked to you for guidance and direction in their lives, would you not accept them, or help them all you could...? I'm betting not, God is the same way...
Don't beat yourself up so bad, God still loves you very much, you might have missed out on a higher purpose, but, that doesn't mean God doesn't love you less, or will be with you in your life any less either... He actually sympathizes and has compassion and pity on your struggles, even with your sins, and will help you and love you with all he has still, regardless...
God Bless!