I don't know whether to put this under Pentacostal or Word-of-Faith because I basically feel that during my walk with God, He led me to both "movements."
I am Justin, and I'm 19 years old. I got saved-really saved, under conviction of the Holy Ghost- last year. I love Jesus & the Holy Spirit with all my heart, and I love God's anointed men like Pastors Benny Hinn, Robert Kayanja, E.W. Kenyon, Smith Wigglesworth, etc.
I have a problem.
Last month after I fell into a certain sexual sin, I was very angry at the Holy Ghost and I called him a demon and then said "f-you" to him. Although I repented half a milli-second later, shocked and horrified by what I said, I still have the fear that I blasphemed the Holy Spirit and committed the unpardonable sin. Do you remember when you were a kid, and you cursed at your mom because you were angry at her for not giving her a toy? That's what it was like, except the toy was not falling into sin because I really wanted to obey God and surrender to Him.
Now, everytime I open up Scripture, whether it be Matthew, Mark or Luke, the section on blasphemy against the Holy Spirit reads almost like "Whoever says one word against the Holy Spirit even in anger cannot be forgiven ever." It didn't help when I went and looked at Benny Hinn's book and saw how sensitive the Holy Spirit is. I'm worried that it's too late for me and that I'm going to burn in hell forever for saying something so horrible to someOne I love so much, with all my heart. Two times this week, once while watching Benny Hinn, and another time when I was watching Pat Robertson, I cried so much because I loved them because they are anointed. I love Jesus so much and the Holy Spirit. I love everything about the Holy Spirit. I love who He is, all the many times He's been there for me, all the times that He comforted me. I cannot say one bad thing about Him and actually mean it. Even typing this is stirring up tears in my eyes.
Well, every single morning since that incident last month, I've been so overwhelmingly depressed. However, there have been some times in which I could've sworn that the Holy Spirit was still with me. One night I was crying so hard, and I heard a voice say "I'm still with you." Then another time, I was thinking about a Scripture in Jeremiah and then a pastor on the T.V. mentioned that same Scripture. Then one early morning, I opened up a Smith Wigglesworth book and it said this:
"After I had received the Baptism of the Holy Ghost (and I know that I received; for the Lord gave me the Spirit in just the same way as He gave Him to the disciples at Jerusalem), I sought the mind of the Lord as to why I was baptized. One day I came home from work and went into the house and my wife asked me, "Which way did you come in?" I told her that I had come in at the back door. She said, "There is a woman upstairs and she has brought an old man of eighty to be prayed for. He is raving up there and a great crowd is outside the front door, ringing the door-bell and wanting to know what is going on in the house." The Lord quietly whispered, "This is what I baptized you for."
I carefully opened the door of the room where the man was, desiring to be obedient to what my Lord would say to me. The man was crying and shouting in distress, "I am lost! I am lost! I have committed the unpardonable sin. I am lost! I am lost!" My wife said, "Dad, what shall we do?" The Spirit of the Lord moved me to cry out, "Come out, thou lying spirit." In a moment the evil spirit went, and the man was free. Deliverance to the captives! And the Lord said to me, "This is what I baptized you for.
Do you see how Jesus mastered the devil in the wilderness? He knew He was the Son of God and Satan came along with an "if." How many times has Satan come along to you this way? He says, "After all, you may be deceived. You know you really are not a child of God." If the devil comes along and says that you are not saved, it is a pretty sure sign that you are. When he comes and tells you that you are not healed, it may be taken as good evidence that the Lord has sent His word and healed you. The devil knows that if he can capture your thought life, he has won a mighty victory over you. His great business is injecting thoughts, but if you are pure and holy you will instantly shrink from them. God wants us to let the mind that was in Christ Jesus, that pure, holy, humble mind of Christ, be in us..."
Even so, I worry that maybe that man didn't say what I said. I know that many people think that they blaspheme the Holy Spirit but it's just in their thoughts and they never actually called Him demon. Is it too late for me? Did I do what the Pharisees did? And if not, how come it says, "The blasphemy against the Holy Ghost will not be forgiven at all?"
Please help with Spirit-filled (not theological) answers, and please don't be mad at me. Every day since last month I've paid for this sin...perhaps all eternity I'll pay for it too.