one year anniversary

Friday the 13th of June will be a year since I lost my husband to a lung disease. It has been a very hard and heart wrenching year for me. I am still a lost lonely soul. A year ago, I thought my world had ended and it did end as I knew it to be. I just knew things would be so much better after a year. It IS better that I don't cry everyday. After 43 years of marriage, I now know it will take much longer than a year. Please keep me in your prayers.. Fathers day is the 15th and his birthday the 16th. If any of you have suggestions on making these dates any easier, please fill free to share with me.
Thank you, Helen

Someone told me in the past 3 years that why did I think that reaching the one year anniversary things would be so much better. It is us who puts that on ourselves. After so many years together and so great a love, one year? Oh no. Yes it is better but only when I finally reqlized with God's help that It was I that had to come to a place of peace ans acceptance that if this is all I ever have I had it all!!!

I haven't reached the one year anniversary yet. It's been seven months for me but we were married for 38 years and went together for five. There's no way we'll ever be ok after a year without them. We did everything together and I'm lost without him, completely lost. We lost two children years ago, one at two months and one a week before her second birthday from a very rare genetic disease. For some reason, I thought those losses would have protected me from this, but it didn't. We just went out for a last bike ride on an unseasonably nice day for lunch and were coming back to go to a play at our local library when he had a freak accident and somehow hit a curb and it bent the wheel of the bike in each direction so that it couldn't turn anymore and unfortunately there was a lamp post a few feet away and he hit the post with his head and then the bike fell in the other direction and he flew about 15 feet away in the other direction. I only saw his bike falling and felt terrible that he had fallen, but I never expected what I found when I got off my bicycle and got to him. He was having a seizure and I took out my cell phone to call for help thinking, what am I doing, he's going to hate the fact that I'm calling an ambulance, but before I knew it I was beig told her needed brain surgery and the he had a 50% chance of coming out of it and he never did. Instead they came in and told me he was almost completely brain dead and if I didn't disconnect the drain from his brain and stop the meds, there was a slight chance he could live but he'd never be anything but a vegetable. I asked to see the CT scans myself and knew I couldn't let him live like that.

I just get through it one day at a time and pray God it will be God's will to take me too so we can be together. He always affectionately called me "partner" and we used to say the "hold" we had when he came home from work every day was the best part of our day and so long as we had that, we had everything.

I just came back from our grandson's grade school graduation. I "felt" him there with us, but it wasn't the same as all of the other grandparents there together laughing and enjoying the day together. I'm also dreading Father's Day. We always went to a special antique car show he loved and out for dinner. Instead, I'll be going to the cemetery this year.

I miss him as much as I love him, so I think it's going to be like this until it's my time too. I don't care to do any of the things we did together anymore. Without him, it just isn't the same. It wasn't just going out to dinner, it was the way we felt when we were out. If we sat in a booth, we sat on the same side and I was always leaning on him. If we we at a table, we pulled out chairs closer and we shared dinners many times, from appetizers to dessert. Now going out to eat would just be to eat. We washed windows together, painted the house together, worked in the yard together, sipped wine and talked for hours over appetizers at home and curled up watching movies together, took long walks and worked out together. We knew one day the one that would be left would be lost but we never ever dreamed it would end quickly and suddenly one day with no warning. Just out riding our bikes enjoying a beautiful day. Two weeks before we were on a trail in MI and I said it's time for us to get helmets. There were many places where it dropped off and I never wanted them before, but now I said it was time. Unfortunately, this was just supposed to be one short ride for lunch and we were going to get them this Spring and get new tires for our bikes too.

There's just so many things to do, things to learn on my own now and decisions we always made together I now have to do myself. I don't think we ever get over this. In the beginning my Dr. prescribed xanax over the phone to get me by while I was out of town over the holidays with our grandchildren, but said I had to take an antidepressant when I came back. I didn't want to but he said I couldn't stay on a high dose of xanax so I agreed. I had an allergic reaction to two he gave me an he told me they were in my head because I didn't want to take them so I didn't go back to him, my allergist no less. Instead I went to my Dad's internist but he was no better, he took me off all the xanax and replaced it with valium and another antidepressant and of course with a bad reaction. His answer was to put me in the hospital and put me on valium to get me off of the xanax. I told him that's just what I had a reaction to so he recommended a psychiatrist. I should have told her I didn't want to take anything, but at that point I was scared and desperate and let her prescribe one. That was quite awhile ago now, but just recently I told her I wanted off all drugs after reading what they do to our brains and she said no one can make me take them and she started a schedule so I could reduce them. Unfortunately, they can make us anxious and depressed too and we don't know what's us and what's the drugs. I'm on half the dose now and am feeling more depressed, but I'm feeling more clear headed at least. I just keep telling myself to take it one day at a time, one minute at a time when a day seems like too much to think about. I also talk to a social worker I met through a friend's church and we've since become friends. Our kids went to the same Christian school together. She too lost her husband four years ago and she is taking an antidepressant and still cries and still wishes she was with her husband too, even though she has two jobs, is very involved in her church and volunteers, etc.

There just isn't an easy way. I know I just want him back or want to be with him. I thought losing our children was devastating, but then I had him to get through it with, now I don't have him to help me through this one. I'm open for any ideas you have too. I figure at some point, I'll look for a job to get up and out of the house, but right now I still can't even write a check without shaking and it's barely even legible.

Sorry this is so long, I guess I just had to get it out too.

Love, Gail

Gail, thank you for the post. yes, you are right we cannot forget our many years with our soulmates, but I know mine would not want me to stay in a perpetual state of grief for the rest of my life. He had a terminal illness, so we had the time for our good-byes and what he hoped and wished for me. The one thing he wanted was for me not to be alone the rest of my life. I am blessed that I have 3 children and 8 grands, but they don't feel this void in my life. I have given myself this year to get my head on straight before making major decisions. One decision is that I need to sell my home and get a smaller one. I am also praying that God will open my heart to love again and to put this person in my path. The one requirement I am putting is that he is a widower, so he will be understanding of my feelings and of course, be a christian. Seven months is a trying time, at least it was for me. The reality of the death is moving from your head to your heart and you get down to the "missing part". I believe I am past that part for I truely realize he is not coming home. I am trying to accept that I need to live in the "now" and look to the future and not dwell in the past. I still don't truely know who "me" is yet, because it was "us" for so long. You are in my prayers
Helen

Helen
It was 20 months yesterday for me. We were married 29 years and I lost him so suddenly. My grief counselor told me that when you lose a spouse suddenly, your brain becomes mush. It would take a full year for the brain to heal, but this is not the same as grieving. I'd have to agree with him. That first year is a blurr; the second year is dealing with reality. I miss him so much that I can't even begin to describe the pain.

What is happening now is that people expect that I should be "over it" and "moving on". How can you do that in a year when Terry was a part of my life since I was 18 years old. Most of my life's history involves my husband. I'll move forward with my life, but it won't be the same. Maybe a new love?, I don't think so. I still can't imagine myself with anyone else.

It's still one day at a time for me--just one day at a time.

Jean

I'm sorry you lost your spouse too. I know what it's like living with someone with a terminal illness also as our daughter lived to be a week short of her second birthday. Our first daughter died from the same disease suddenly at two months of age.

We didn't have our time to say our good byes, but we both always told each other, for us, there'd never be anyone else. I've loved him since I've been 14-1/2 years old and no one, just no one could ever compare to him for me. I know he wouldn't want me to suffer, but he knows I would be now, that's why I don't understand why they say they can be happy in Heaven, which I of course want him to be, but knowing how much I'm suffering, I don't know how he is.

I don't want to live alone, and yet I don't want to go live with our daughter and her family in MI either. I was just there for a week and my heart wasn't in it. They have their friends and their kids' friends and I'm just a fifth wheel. I probably need to get a job at some point, but right now sometimes I can barely type I shake so badly and have trouble just writing out my bills my handwriting is so terrible right now. I just wish God would take me too and let us do together whatever He has Dennis doing because we were always a great team and did everything together. I just don't know how to face the rest of my life without him.

Thanks for being here. Gail

Dear Jean,

I know what you mean, I can barely function some times and some days if I just dust the house or cut the lawn I consider myself doing well. I do see a social worker at least once a week that we've become friends because our children went to the same Christian school, only they were in different grades and we never met before this.

They call what I'm going through "complicated grief," because of the suddenness of it and so many other losses previous to it and other problems I have had to deal with. My Dad has a lot of health problems and other problems and we just lost our 19 year old dog two years before after taking such good care of him, we had to put him to sleep because the vet made a mistake.

After losing two children, my Mom on Chirstmas morning from a car accident, I can honestly say there isn't anything that compares to this because we lived for each other, that's all there was to it. I couldn't wait for him to get home and he couldn't wait to get here. We did everything together. I just don't understand why God would make us one and then rip us apart like this when so many other couples don't even get along or do anything together anymore. He had an unshakable faith though that God always has His reasons and I sure hope he's right because this is killing me without him.

Gail