Not Accepted

Tuffguy · Oct 14, 2005

Ya,,i know what ya mean man and i'm only 27. People ask me when i'm getting married and you can just tell they're thinking "whats the deal, end your life and get hitched!!!" LOL
I don't think of marriage in a negative light, but lets face it, it is the death of doing what you want to do when you want to do it. Many don't have understanding spouses that love each others differences and hobbies.
I'll be married in about 3 years, but untill then i'm loving life.

jenptcfan · Oct 14, 2005

Imaginosis said:
One of the most frustrating things I find about being a middle aged single male is that too often you're not accepted in churches which are predominately composed of married couples. One of the symptoms of non-acceptance is that there is the attitude that you don't know what life is about unless you have the responsibilities of marriage (eg, kids). In other words, you need a family to be a mature adult.

Ironically, I find many married males with families to be very limited in some respects. For example, many have very limited experiences. They haven't been exposed to the multiplicity of the arenas of life. They've lived in the same house and have had the same job for years. It's all they know. This is, perhaps, an overstatement, but it expresses a point.

What's your input.

This happens to the single females too.

What I find frustrating is that everything in my church is geared toward young couples with children. I feel kind of lost in the shuffle sometimes.

But that's OK.

People make assumptions about me all the time. My music minister's wife assumed that as a single female I was living in an apartment. I was talking to her the other day about my dog and she said, "Oh, do you have a little yard or something?" And I said, "Uh...yeah..." and she said, "don't you live in such and such apartments?" and I had to explain to her that I only lived in an apartment while my house was being built.

Maybe it's just because people are staying single for longer these days. Years ago, people went from living at home with mom and dad straight into marriage/family. Marriage was when grown up life began.

Now that that's not necessarily the case, maybe it's kind of hard to get a feel for who the average single is these days and what kind of experiences they've had?

Tuffguy · Oct 14, 2005

Course people are scared of what they don't consider normal and different. I think singles are also considered to be 'on the hunt', meaning that they are a bigger risk for sin in or out of the church.

JPPT1974 · Oct 14, 2005

Tuffguy said:
Ya,,i know what ya mean man and i'm only 27. People ask me when i'm getting married and you can just tell they're thinking "whats the deal, end your life and get hitched!!!" LOL
I don't think of marriage in a negative light, but lets face it, it is the death of doing what you want to do when you want to do it. Many don't have understanding spouses that love each others differences and hobbies.
I'll be married in about 3 years, but untill then i'm loving life.

I know you don't think of marriage in a negative light at all.
It is just you have to find the person with who you could share in the almost same tastes just about like hobbies and differences.
Hey I have never been married nor in a relationship before. And to be honest, I love it like this. That is for now...

HoosierCanuck · Oct 14, 2005

NicelyAged said:
Often times, singles and singles ministry is a neglected area in the Christian community. As mentioned earlier, church culture tends to be built around being married with kids. I guess that's because it promotes family values and marriages that are intact.

I think when one reads the Bible, one sort gets the impression that everyone's married. There not much stories and history about singles and using single people as a focal point of teaching.

I agree on all points. When people read the Bible I don't think they think about the fact that Jesus Himself was single and (gasp!) in his 30's when he died. I completely understand emphasizing family values...especially in a time when that seems to be a foreign concept...families are either broken up by sin or by selfishness or busyness. I think it would be a nice eutopia for families to share meals and such together and for all kids to have both a mom and a dad. But....reality is not that way. Nearly half of America is single for one reason or another and I'm willing to bet that a good portion of those are unchurched because they feel like outcasts. It's one thing to be a single female who's independent (me) but once you say "I'm divorced" it's like a red flag goes up....oh, I wonder what SHE does on Saturday nights! I don't even date! I don't drink either. Some of these people who automatically ASSUME the worst oughta talk to my cats...they'll tell you how I spend my Fridays and Saturdays. lol

anett · Oct 15, 2005

Hi all! It was kinda shocking for me to read all those posts where ppl said, they don't like their church cause ppl there don't talk to them cause they are singles.... oh come on!?!?! What kind of church are these??? We are the body of CHRIST and we should be recognized by LOVE to one another and not by separation!?!?!?

I'm 25-year-old singe and I love my church and I know they love me too, cause I feel it! I think they all want me to get married but in a nice way. THey understand my situataion and they are ok with it. Also there are quite a lot other singles there too and we are all accepted, even though the majority is couples and families. I do love my church cause we are like one big family

So I pray for those of my mates who have a hard time in their church!!!!!!

I also think that you are not LESS in any areas just because you are single!!!

Imaginosis · Oct 15, 2005

Tuffguy said:
...I think singles are also considered to be 'on the hunt', meaning that they are a bigger risk for sin in or out of the church...

I think that one of the reasons some married men in churches are threatened by single males is because they feel that the single males may be on the the 'hunt' for their wives. This applies to single women also. I've heard stories of married woman becoming widows and having to change their social circles because they were now perceived as a threat by the married women (ie, stealing stealing their spouses).

Imaginosis · Oct 15, 2005

HoosierCanuck said:
Nearly half of America is single for one reason or another and I'm willing to bet that a good portion of those are unchurched because they feel like outcasts.

Outcasts. That's the word I've been looking for!

HoosierCanuck · Oct 15, 2005

Imaginosis said:
I think that one of the reasons some married men in churches are threatened by single males is because they feel that the single males may be on the the 'hunt' for their wives. This applies to single women also. I've heard stories of married woman becoming widows and having to change their social circles because they were now perceived as a threat by the married women (ie, stealing stealing their spouses).

What you're saying is soooo true and and yet SO SAD. Now, I can see the widow WANTING to be in a different social circle because it's too painful to be around the 'happily marrieds' but for the 'happily marrieds' (or maybe it's unhappily marrieds....) to shun the widow for fear of him/her being 'on the hunt'....well, I think that goes to show what kind of people they are....not 'true' friends at all! If they think their marriage is that fragile then they better look inside their own heart and home and see why!

I wonder if singles oughta start their OWN church and actually ADVERTISE "for single people only". It's obvious the marrieds have an issue with us. This divide won't go away soon and there are many singles who shun Christ altogether because of the attitudes of the marrieds. It's all a sham....they stand up there at the pulpit and say "we need to reach the lost...blah, blah, blah" and yet if a lost person comes BY THEMSELF to visit then that 'lost' person is invisible. If the 'lost' person came with a spouse and 1.5 or more kids, an SUV and a nice address....well hey....."welcome!!!!!!"

Sorry if this post is a little more harsh....I've had a bad day.

fishstix · Oct 15, 2005

HoosierCanuck said:
What you're saying is soooo true and and yet SO SAD. Now, I can see the widow WANTING to be in a different social circle because it's too painful to be around the 'happily marrieds' but for the 'happily marrieds' (or maybe it's unhappily marrieds....) to shun the widow for fear of him/her being 'on the hunt'....well, I think that goes to show what kind of people they are....not 'true' friends at all! If they think their marriage is that fragile then they better look inside their own heart and home and see why!

I agree. If a married person is worried that a single person might steal their spouse, then they should be looking at why they don't trust their spouse to remain faithful. I'd also like to add that married people can and do have affairs with other married people - there isn't always a single person involved.

I wonder if singles oughta start their OWN church and actually ADVERTISE "for single people only". It's obvious the marrieds have an issue with us. This divide won't go away soon and there are many singles who shun Christ altogether because of the attitudes of the marrieds. It's all a sham....they stand up there at the pulpit and say "we need to reach the lost...blah, blah, blah" and yet if a lost person comes BY THEMSELF to visit then that 'lost' person is invisible. If the 'lost' person came with a spouse and 1.5 or more kids, an SUV and a nice address....well hey....."welcome!!!!!!"

Sorry if this post is a little more harsh....I've had a bad day.

We should remember that it's equally important for singles to watch our attitude about those people who are married. Somebody has to choose to end the 'us vs. them' mentality, and if we each choose to take that responsibility, then things should greatly improve for everyone.

HoosierCanuck · Oct 15, 2005

fishstix said:
I agree. If a married person is worried that a single person might steal their spouse, then they should be looking at why they don't trust their spouse to remain faithful. I'd also like to add that married people can and do have affairs with other married people - there isn't always a single person involved.

Amen! I am the unfortunate 'ear' to someone I know right now who is married and apparently seeking 'affection' (for lack of a better word) outside the home from someone else who is apparently married and seeking the same thing. They didn't meet at church...they met online.

As for my other comments...that's why I put an apology at the end. I know it was probably a mean thing to say and I, too, am sick of the us v. them mentality. I'm just so bloody frustrated that I feel it will never end so why bother....

stormgade4 · Oct 16, 2005

Let this be a disclaimer, what I am about to say may upset many of you.

As I read these posts, at least on the singles forum, I am grasping only one common universal theme. To me, too many people here take solice in their misery. Singleness is not a curse! 4 out of 5 posts on this forum are about people complaining about being single or outcast in their church because they are single. I have this advice: JUST SUCK IT UP! I'm tired of every single I meet acting like a victim.

I'm 25 and single. I desire marriage as much as any one of you. Yet, I refuse to let this desire rule my life. Sorry, I just needed to get these things out. Flame me if you want, I can take it. My opinion may not be worth much but I couldn't keep this in any longer.

Imaginosis · Oct 16, 2005

stormgade4 said:
I'm 25 and single. I desire marriage as much as any one of you.

I'm 44 years old and have never had the desire to get married. I just want to be treated with respect in a congregation. Don't be naive in assuming all singles want to get married.

HoosierCanuck · Oct 16, 2005

Imaginosis said:
I'm 44 years old and have never had the desire to get married. I just want to be treated with respect in a congregation. Don't be naive in assuming all singles want to get married.

35 and divorced and completely soured to the idea of being in a relationship, let alone marriage. So...I echo your comments, Imaginosis.

JPPT1974 · Oct 16, 2005

Asian female
Single
No children
31-years old
Friends first
Maybe more perhaps

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