My Unique Problem

Hi there. Please PM me if you have any concerns or if you want to talk through the relationship with me!

My advice here - I think you need to communicate what you feel about her to her - but as to in such a way that you're also respecting who she is, what her feelings is - and you must share some of your feelings out to Jane.

I think you need to talk to your friend about it, Jake.

Long-distance is still not a problem, I think you can communicate in a lot of ways:

*Phone, * Email - Online Chat and obviously - going directly to her and him

Welcome to CF!

Your situation is quite a tricky one, but the most important thing to remember IMO is that whatever you say sould not be in an aim to break up the relationship that Jake and Jane have. It may seem that the best way to do it is to just remain tight lipped over it, but it might be good to be as honest as possible to her. Your continued friendship with her is going to be important, since I think that she will value your support when times may be tough with her and Jake. It's going to be something that demands a lot of wisdom, and God will provide you with it if you ask him to show you how to act

I wouldn't tell Jane or Jake anything at this point. Let their relationship run its natural course and be there for both of them as a friend (without "trash talking" either behind their back, because trust me they'll be told every word you say). If they're having frequent problems they'll probably break up sooner or later and then maybe, if you ask, she'll start courting you. But if it looks like they're heading into marriage and are still having all kinds of problems, THEN I think you should voice your concern. I almost married a guy I had problems with because I thought that was just how love was -- 20% happiness, 80% heartache. Now I know differently, and I hope Jane knows it without having to go through what I did.

That's unique???

I'd say that "making your true feelings known" is a dumb idea.

If you like being her friend, then keep it that way. If you can't handle the idea of some other guy being with her, then stop hanging around with her.

i think you should pray and ask of God. I'm sure you don't have to work so hard to get someone special. And you shouldn't covet what isn't yours. So ask God for help and don't worry about it too much.

Breetai said:

That's unique???

I'd say that "making your true feelings known" is a dumb idea.

If you like being her friend, then keep it that way. If you can't handle the idea of some other guy being with her, then stop hanging around with her.

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You got it Breetai!
If you tell her, then you would most likelybreak them up, but you already knew that didn't you. So now it's a matter of wether or not we think that breaking them up would be apropriate. Well it's not, you need to back off and let them court. I'm not so sure a girl should be best friends with a guy when she already has a bf, I mean somebody's going to get feelings their feelings hurt. So my advice would be to stop hanging out with her so much.

I'm going to be harsh here... and i'm really sorry these are my first words to you but you need to hear this. I say these words out of experience, however i wasn't with the guy, he was with the girl.

I had a guy who could be summed up by this post

she's too important to me. It's gotten to the point where if I don't talk to her for a few days, I start to worry about her. When I find out she's not feeling well or she's in a bad mood, I don't even really think about what I'm doing, I just call her and try to cheer her up. I tell her how beautiful she is and how important she is to me. She knows how much I care about her, and so does Jake. I've decided that I'm going to keep being there for her just the same, and I'm just gonna do my best to ignore these feelings. Maybe someday I'll get to act on them, maybe I won't. Either way, I can't just cut her out of my life, she's just way too special to me.

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We are barely friends. The deception got too much. This starts to verge on co-dependancy, you depend on making her feel better. It is really hard because you in some ways "need" her now, but if you continue this way, you (or her) will start to come out of it, and the friendship will be (most likely) permanently tainted.

If she was your girlfriend, would you be happy with jake saying the things your saying to her? I love you? Your beautiful, you're so special to me? (I was also in the same situation as you now, same guy saying the nice things, but i had a boyfriend...) From experience, no you would not be in any way.

You are going head on to wreaking two friendships here, firstly from deception to your best mate, and secondly, if you can't be ONLY a friend to her when shes got a boyfriend, can you be loyal to her if you end up with her?

I know you may have more strength than i had but i ended up cheating... Oh my goodness did it hurt, all three of us for months, and i still question my abilities as a partner to my fiance because of the deception of it all...

I loved him and i didn't ever want to let him go... I really didn't. I know it sounds kinda silly considering what i first said, but i think you need to explain to her that you are trying to deal with feelings, and that you have to stop saying the sweet kind words. Explain it's not stopping the friendship but backing off to an appropriate distance.

If these two end up getting married (it COULD happen, maybe not likely but could) you will have to back off to virtually no friendship as adultry wil likely occur when they are having a hard patch.

Stop considering the relationship between them as little, as though they might struggle at times, she is with HIM not you. That is the decision she has made, and until that changes you have no right to be in it.

Also one other important thing, if they break up, whilst you have the right to date her, don't for a while.... I ('also' from experience ) Broke my fiance's and ex's friendship apart by letting my ex know we liked each other only a month after our year long relationship...

Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life - Proverbs.

Hi dude,

My advice is this: She's with someone and that makes her totally off limits. you have to hang back, be only a friend, do nothing to harm their relationship. If it ends, it ends, then you can consider her if you're still available and still want to. But until then, don't even entertain the thought.

Breetai said:

That's unique???

I'd say that "making your true feelings known" is a dumb idea.

If you like being her friend, then keep it that way. If you can't handle the idea of some other guy being with her, then stop hanging around with her.

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Yeah - feel free to ignore whatever I said about saying anything...seriously Breet's pretty much nailed it.

im a fouteen year old boy and i have the same problem except im younger and instead of being you i am jane . my best friend nina (we were like brother and sister to) introduced me to sami who is now my girlfriend who i love very much but nina has started to have feelings for me as well . now that i know about it me and nina have started drifting apart . i dont know if i can still be friends with her but i am trying
i hope that this helps you you can sort of see it frome janes point of view every thing really changed when i found out about this but maybe jane will react differantly

I would back off in the friendship, based on what you have said so far. Simply put, if I had a girlfriend, I would feel very uncomfortable with her having a close guy friend who I knew had feelings for her. If she's courting the guy, that's her decision; not anyone else's. And it's hard for you to determine the validity of their relationship, seeing you have, ahem, ulterior motives, at least to some extent. If you were in some kind of relationship with her, would you mind if some guy--a better, more handsome guy than you, perhaps; who thought he cared more for her than you--came along and "rescued" her from you? That would really stink.

My general rule in stuff like that is to avoid women who are relationships, period; except for the most inane of chatter. I work with married/attached women my age, and our conversations go no further than "Good morning", or "It's FRIDAY!!! YEEHAAWW!!"

If I were you I would tread very carefully... I would hate to see you loose both your friends.

I know its hard.. we often don't go "hey i choose to like his person" cause it just kind of happens. but what you do need to be aware of and think about is if you were her boyfriend would you want jake to be as close to her as you are?

if you really care about her, my advice would be to pray. Ask God for what is best for her. Not what you want. But what God wants.

inchristalone221 said:

Sure that sounds good, but there's a problem with that: she's too important to me. It's gotten to the point where if I don't talk to her for a few days, I start to worry about her. When I find out she's not feeling well or she's in a bad mood, I don't even really think about what I'm doing, I just call her and try to cheer her up. I tell her how beautiful she is and how important she is to me. She knows how much I care about her, and so does Jake. I've decided that I'm going to keep being there for her just the same, and I'm just gonna do my best to ignore these feelings. Maybe someday I'll get to act on them, maybe I won't. Either way, I can't just cut her out of my life, she's just way too special to me.

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This is a classic case of obsession.

You need to make friends with some single girls. Feeling this way about someone who's already seeing someone else is not good for her, and it's not good for you.

Seperate yourself from her. At best, make her a casual friend for now.

inchristalone221: Sounds like your heart is in the right place. Some of the people who replied to you didn't need to be so harsh.. But that's another issue entirely. Getting back on track -- I just wanted to add something here. I've been the 'Jane' in this situation more than once. I can't tell you how difficult it is to be her. She's trying to have a relationship with one guy but there's this other guy telling her she's pretty and smart and funny and basically the whole ball of wax. It doesn't make her feel better about herself; It makes her feel obligated to respond in an equally affectionate way, which she shouldn't do because she has a boyfriend. Suddenly she's put on the spot and placed in a position where she knows she has to disappoint someone, either her boyfriend or the other guy. But believe me, either way she's going to come out of the encounter feeling like a jerk to some degree.
I know you want what's best for this girl, because it's clear you love her and I do believe you have her best interest at heart. So now comes the hard part. I think you know what you have to do (or should I say, not do).