My turn

Silver Speak · Dec 10, 2006

maycontainnuts said:
Confidence definitely makes a difference.

Sure thing. I think people are automatically drawn to people who are comfortable in their own skin. I didn't understand this until I was older. If you don't think you're all that, how would they see it? I don't always think I'm that fantastic but, ironically, what gives me confidence is the fact that I don't have to be, it's fine by me. You're the only person who can be YOU and that should be enough to give you a confidence boost.

silentpoet said:
Sex appeal is only one part of what makes a woman worth persuing.

There are people who look extremely attractive but when they open their mouth it's just..blah. There are people who could pass for a supermodel but don't have the confidence to go with it. Finally, just like said above, there are people who you just don't feel for, despite their great character and pretty face. It's there or it's not there, that's life. If you took it personally each time you'd end up with zero confidence.

ImperialPhantom · Dec 10, 2006

To the OP, there's nobody that everybody finds "not attractive". Hollywood's stereotypes aren't everybody's idea of the perfect person, and everyone has different tastes.

But I'm going to be honest. Physical appearance is a make-or-break decision, especially for guys, and I will not date someone I am not physically attracted to. It sounds all good and righteous and all to do so, but why would I date someone despite their looks, when they could be with someone else who loves them for their looks, too? I don't want to cheat anybody out of anything. I'm not SUPER picky when it comes to physical appearance, although in some ways I am.

And by the way, to all in this thread: anyone who says it's "unbiblical" or "worldly" to have physical appearance standards, please, stop posting in this thread. You're adding doctrine that is unscriptural, and you're doing it out of your own bitterness. Stop.

And don't anyone reply to me saying "I'm not doing that!" either. If you're not doing that, then the above is not directed toward you, so no need for you to reply.

BeautyForAshes · Dec 10, 2006

ImperialPhantom said:
To the OP, there's nobody that everybody finds "not attractive". Hollywood's stereotypes aren't everybody's idea of the perfect person, and everyone has different tastes.

But I'm going to be honest. Physical appearance is a make-or-break decision, especially for guys, and I will not date someone I am not physically attracted to. It sounds all good and righteous and all to do so, but why would I date someone despite their looks, when they could be with someone else who loves them for their looks, too? I don't want to cheat anybody out of anything. I'm not SUPER picky when it comes to physical appearance, although in some ways I am.

And by the way, to all in this thread: anyone who says it's "unbiblical" or "worldly" to have physical appearance standards, please, stop posting in this thread. You're adding doctrine that is unscriptural, and you're doing it out of your own bitterness. Stop.

And don't anyone reply to me saying "I'm not doing that!" either. If you're not doing that, then the above is not directed toward you, so no need for you to reply.

The last part of this in really interesting so I'll bite since I did post some thoughts on Proverbs 31. So please explain....what about that is "unscriptual" in terms of physical beauty?

And please...keep the personal accusations at bay (ex. calling people bitter - lol) just because they may not agree with you. This is a good DISCUSSION (not a debate) and let's keep it that way. O'kay?

kelco · Dec 10, 2006

Yeah I would like to keep this thread a discussion instead of a debate too. That said I'm not trying to get pity cause I have had more than my share of that in my life. The thing is that I am a realist and in reality I am ugly It's just a statement of fact. But despite all my faults I'm a pretty amazing person. You know even ugly guys won't give me the time of day! LOL

I know God loves me. He proves that to me every day. It just makes me sad sometimes that I have so much to offer and I'm overlooked because I'm not attractive. At least I can comfort myself with the fact that one day I'll be able to lay this all down and walk into the arms of the One who will love me fully, completly and forever.

Rory · Dec 10, 2006

Just wanted to say I totally understand where your coming from on this, I have known a lot of great women and when i talk to them I seem to fit 99% of what they want in someone, but I am the perpetual friend, always there for them always trying to help out, just not actual boyfriend material, not sure why at least online, offline I'm almost positive its due to my appearance, and while that is utterly depressing it is not something I beat myself up about anymore, its just something I know is there.

I know I'm fat and most girls have no intentions of dating the fat guy no matter how much he fits everything else they want, it sucks but I have just come to accept it myself. At least I'm not bitter or resentful towards them though, sometimes it helps to just accept the inevitable as fact and try to move on, people will judge no matter what anyone says or does...

Weasel7711 · Dec 10, 2006

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Rory · Dec 10, 2006

Weasel7711 said:
beauty is in the eye of the beholder

I've always liked the other one,

Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder.

haha lol even if it's a really messed up thought, I dont care who you are thats funny.

LookingTotheFuture · Dec 10, 2006

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Most of the women I've known and find attractive only seemed mildly attractive at first. I find real attraction grows through getting to know a person.

I've known girls who have been overweight, and one that had an eye that was severely off to one side, but with time you get over those things. The energy and confidence these people exuded made up for any physical properties they had that people would find unappealing,.

What I've learned is that if you care for yourself and show good hygiene, (and avoid things that are bad for your body like alcohol and smoking because it shows in the face), then you are a big part of the way there. The other side things, which are just as important, if not more so, is being happy with who you are. Confidence, ambition, and being able to have fun and ease are all very attractive qualities. Unfortunately, bringing about these changes takes time. Never give up hope.

ImperialPhantom · Dec 10, 2006

BeautyForAshes said:
The last part of this in really interesting so I'll bite since I did post some thoughts on Proverbs 31. So please explain....what about that is "unscriptual" in terms of physical beauty?

And please...keep the personal accusations at bay (ex. calling people bitter - lol) just because they may not agree with you. This is a good DISCUSSION (not a debate) and let's keep it that way. O'kay?

Considering I didn't direct this at anyone in particular, I wouldn't consider it personal. But with regards to your question, what I meant was, it's okay not to care about physical beauty, but it's also okay to care about physical beauty with regards to looking for a partner. It's not something that was mentioned one way or the other in scriptures, so being a "gray area", it comes down to personal preference here, as long as it doesn't supercede more important qualities, the ones scripture DOES list, as well.

ImperialPhantom · Dec 10, 2006

kelco said:
Yeah I would like to keep this thread a discussion instead of a debate too. That said I'm not trying to get pity cause I have had more than my share of that in my life. The thing is that I am a realist and in reality I am ugly It's just a statement of fact. But despite all my faults I'm a pretty amazing person. You know even ugly guys won't give me the time of day! LOL

Okay, I'm calling shenanigans here. What's apparently so ugly about you that it would be impossible to get over, and absolutely can NOT be helped? My own mom claims this about her weight, when her own son, ME, paid his/my dues and lost 80 pounds to fix my own problem with this issue. Attitude is 90 percent of life.

ImperialPhantom · Dec 10, 2006

RoryAnthony said:
Just wanted to say I totally understand where your coming from on this, I have known a lot of great women and when i talk to them I seem to fit 99% of what they want in someone, but I am the perpetual friend, always there for them always trying to help out, just not actual boyfriend material, not sure why at least online, offline I'm almost positive its due to my appearance, and while that is utterly depressing it is not something I beat myself up about anymore, its just something I know is there.

I know I'm fat and most girls have no intentions of dating the fat guy no matter how much he fits everything else they want, it sucks but I have just come to accept it myself. At least I'm not bitter or resentful towards them though, sometimes it helps to just accept the inevitable as fact and try to move on, people will judge no matter what anyone says or does...

Well, it's an attitude issue more than anything. Most guys I know who claim to be the perpetual friend, are so because they are afraid to pursue anything else with any girl, for whatever their personal reason is. And if they did pursue more, they would get more, even despite this reason.

As for being fat, I've been there, and I paid my dues and lost 80 pounds as I said above. If you don't like being fat, you have the power to change it.

Mrs. Luther073082 · Dec 10, 2006

ImperialPhantom said:
Well, it's an attitude issue more than anything. Most guys I know who claim to be the perpetual friend, are so because they are afraid to pursue anything else with any girl, for whatever their personal reason is. And if they did pursue more, they would get more, even despite this reason.

As for being fat, I've been there, and I paid my dues and lost 80 pounds as I said above. If you don't like being fat, you have the power to change it.

Congratulations on losing the 80 pounds.

I have lost about 30 this year and am still in the process of losing.

ImperialPhantom · Dec 10, 2006

congrats I'm still losing fat, but the workout I'm doing now has me gaining muscle, too, so I'm back up to 70 pounds below my starting weight.

Rory · Dec 10, 2006

I may be shy but I have made the attempt many times, always shot down as too good of a friend, so thats not my issue, I do make the attempt.

As far as the fat thing, yeah i could lose weight and get more dates but its who i am, as i said i just accept it, I'm not going to change who I am to get a date if they dont like me for who i am then why should i be with them? I wasn't complaining saying oh poor me I'm fat, I know I can lose weight, and I hope to work on that fairly soon here, but not to get a date, all I was saying is that I know a lot of girls are like that from my own experience, not all but a lot. So I feel the OP's pain so to speak.

Dragoon · Dec 11, 2006

I have a friend almost exactly like you, RoryAnthony. He's an overwieght guy who can never seem to get girlfriends. And he has an awesome personality. But his problem, and my friends and I have told him this before, is that he never SHOWS the girls he likes them. His lack of confidence cause him to put up a facade and play the friend role, rather than looking at a girl with passionate eyes and showing them through the way he treats them that he wishes to be more than just a friend to them. But that's him. Just thought it may help.

Secondly, I'd have to agree with ImperialPhantom about physical appearance. Guys are visual creature. God made us this way. So we all tend to look for physical beauty alongside with personality in girls. It's just the way things are. I would never date a girl I didn't find physically attractive because then I would be lying to myself. But you need to realize like others have said, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. For instance, a girl I find attractive may be seen as unattractive by another guy. God has made us this way. So my point is no one is ugly.

ImperialPhantom · Dec 11, 2006

RoryAnthony said:
I

As far as the fat thing, yeah i could lose weight and get more dates but its who i am, as i said i just accept it, I'm not going to change who I am to get a date if they dont like me for who i am then why should i be with them? I wasn't complaining saying oh poor me I'm fat, I know I can lose weight, and I hope to work on that fairly soon here, but not to get a date, all I was saying is that I know a lot of girls are like that from my own experience, not all but a lot. So I feel the OP's pain so to speak.

That's fine and all, just as long as her physical appearance/weight doesn't matter to you. If it matters to you in the slightest, then your attitude is inconsistant. Sure, when I was fat, it was "who I am", but "who I am" is not in control of me; rather, I am in control of "who I am". Everything about me is something that is controlled by me. Nothing controls me unless I allow it to. If I don't like something about who I am, I reshape me until the quality that I don't want there is gone. Everyone is their own sculptor in life, to a point. The things that we can't change, are the things that only God can change in us.

But of course, if you are really fat, the reason to lose weight shouldn't be girls. It should be to live better and healthier. And honestly, it's hard to fault having looks standards. My standards in a woman lookswise aren't just for shallow reasons - they show that she is healthy she works to take care of herself and her body, she has high self-esteem, and you can tell someone's personality by their looks too - by how well taken care of they are and how they dress. Therefore, I find no fault with any woman who judges my appearance for better or worse, because I know she is, at a primal level, gauging much deeper things about me.

kelco · Dec 11, 2006

ImperialPhantom said:
Okay, I'm calling shenanigans here. What's apparently so ugly about you that it would be impossible to get over, and absolutely can NOT be helped? My own mom claims this about her weight, when her own son, ME, paid his/my dues and lost 80 pounds to fix my own problem with this issue. Attitude is 90 percent of life.

Ok the shenanigan is that I have what is called multiple chronic endocine disorder. It's an autoimmune disorder. As a result it causes my body to attack my endocine system. It has caused a thyroid disorder, type 1 diabetes and a host of other problems including the inability to lose weight and keep it off. I ride bike, take long walks, etc. but it dosn't do anything. I have to watch what I eat carefully so it's not like I overeat or eat bad stuff because I can't. I brought up the weight issue with my endocrinologist and he said that because of my disorder weight would always be a struggle. There are people out there who are fat because of a disease instead of just being a glutton or having no self control. There are things sometimes that can't be fixed.

I guess what hurts is that people look at me and dismiss me as a slacker and make generalizations instead of trying to get to know me. They automaticly think that I'm just a desperate fat girl and no one that they want to get involved with simply because of what I look like. Like I said I'm a pretty great person but because of a crinkle in my genetic makeup I'm an automatic out. I know that I should have a better attitude and yes I am working on it, but it still makes me sad that I have what so many are looking for, but because the packaging is not up to standard no one wants it.

Mrs. Luther073082 · Dec 11, 2006

kelco said:
Ok the shenanigan is that I have what is called multiple chronic endocine disorder. It's an autoimmune disorder. As a result it causes my body to attack my endocine system. It has caused a thyroid disorder, type 1 diabetes and a host of other problems including the inability to lose weight and keep it off. I ride bike, take long walks, etc. but it dosn't do anything. I have to watch what I eat carefully so it's not like I overeat or eat bad stuff because I can't. I brought up the weight issue with my endocrinologist and he said that because of my disorder weight would always be a struggle. There are people out there who are fat because of a disease instead of just being a glutton or having no self control. There are things sometimes that can't be fixed.

I guess what hurts is that people look at me and dismiss me as a slacker and make generalizations instead of trying to get to know me. They automaticly think that I'm just a desperate fat girl and no one that they want to get involved with simply because of what I look like. Like I said I'm a pretty great person but because of a crinkle in my genetic makeup I'm an automatic out. I know that I should have a better attitude and yes I am working on it, but it still makes me sad that I have what so many are looking for, but because the packaging is not up to standard no one wants it.

I have an endocrine disorder as well (which was a result of a medication I used to take), and losing weight as been a slow process in spite of eating right and exercising a LOT. It bothers me a little, too, knowing that some people will automatically assume that I have no self control and am lazy.

Not everyone makes assumptions and cares about superficial things, though, so do not lose hope.

Silver Speak · Dec 11, 2006

ImperialPhantom said:
it's also okay to care about physical beauty with regards to looking for a partner.

Thanks for the honesty I agree.

ImperialPhantom said:
Most guys I know who claim to be the perpetual friend, are so because they are afraid to pursue anything else with any girl, for whatever their personal reason is.

I think a LOT of guys would get more dates if they weren't too insecure to ask.

RoryAnthony said:
I have made the attempt many times, always shot down as too good of a friend

That's a bad, bad excuse.. I wouldn't believe it in a million years.

mina · Dec 11, 2006

I find it interesting how most everyone assumed unattractive to = overweight. I'm in shape and thin, but I've been made fun of and called ugly not b/c of my body shape but of my facial features. There's not a lot I can do about that besides surgury (which I've considered over the years and would do if i had the money for it). I'm working on becoming more comfortable in my own skin (the whole confidence thing). I think i have a certian beauty that my perfect features, blond hair, big chest =beauty, saturated community doesn't recognize. I sometimes feel hopeless about finding a guy that will love me for who i am and think i'm pretty, but I do hope that he is out there and that we find each other soon.

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