I received Jesus in my heart less than a year ago. The first months were full of joy and blessings. All my life i had been dealing with painful psychological issues (panic disorder, phobias, mild ocd, depression, self-injurious behaviours, bulimia nervosa, unstable relationships walking between love and the next moment hatred, aggression, mistrust, alcohol abuse etc.). During that period, I was already into intensive psychotherapy for 2 years, and before that I had been seeing psychologists since my adolescence (Im 27 now). When I believed in Christ all my problems seemed to be overcome very quickly (compared to my rhythm of progress until that time). It was my boyfriend who talked to me about Jesus, and everything seemed as if God had sent him to me so that my life would change through Christ and so that I would finally truly love someone, not letting my fears and pride destroy another relationship. I was totally in love with Jesus, and feeling Gods presence everywhere, in music, in the sky, in nature. The prayer I would always pray was Lord please make me love others, I only want to have love in my heart, I dont want anything else. Just to love. I joined a bible study group and was feeling the joy of being part of the brethren. In February I got baptized in the water and it was the happiest day of my life. Then my bf left the country to work abroad, but I was happy because I had Jesus with me. During this period I started having some attacks from the enemy, especially during prayer. It was intrusive blasphemous perverted images or phrases which at first shocked me. At first it wasnt intense, but after a while it got quite intense. I asked my bible study teacher about it and she explained to me some things about spiritual warfare, resisting the devil etc. I felt comfort for a while, but then the storm started... Meanwhile I was researching on different doctrines and got very confused about which was the right path, did I belong in a heresy etc. At some point I was very upset with my bible study class and was feeling as if I had been a part of something without knowing what it was (btw, the bible study is simply born-again Christian/ apostolic/ bible-only, not at all heretic). Then, soon I realized that I had been confused and what I had thought about these people was totally wrong. I started having extreme feelings of guilt. I talked to my teacher about it and she told me it was ok, if I had repented there was no problem, God always forgives. I thought ok, but at the same time the intrusive blasphemies were getting more and more intense and frequent and I (or the devil) made the assumption God doesnt release me from these attacks because I have done terrible things. Maybe thinking negatively about other Christians and about true Christianity, was the unpardonable sin. My teacher explained to me what the unpardonable sin actually is and that I had in no case committed it. Then a terrible guilt trip started, where I would consume myself trying to remember what I had done, said or thought in the past that might have been the unpardonable sin. For about 2 months I was constantly feeling amazingly guilty and a terribly small person. The intrusive blasphemies were only getting worse. And then floods of condemning thoughts came along. I would hear voices in my head saying you will never be forgiven, not in this life, nor in the next one, you were never my daughter, I never knew you, to the point where I couldnt sleep anymore. I had to be on the phone with my boyfriend in order to fall asleep, I was in constant terror, I had heart palpitations and chest pain all the time, I even went to a cardiologist to find out if I was dying or not, as the thought my heart is rotten (literally and metaphorically) had become another obsession. I would fall asleep and have nightmares, then wake up an hour later with heart palpitations. I remember searching in the Bible trying to find out what had happened in my case. Wherever I would read passages where Jesus was speaking to the Pharisees it was like it was pointing at me. I lost my appetite for food, I couldnt eat nor sleep, I couldnt talk about anything else except the things that were concerning me. There were nights where I would think of hell and sweat, then I would fall asleep thinking of my friends in heaven. I was feeling happy to think of my friends in heaven. My teacher and my boyfriend kept on telling me I was not condemned, and that it was Satan attacking me. We were praying together and for a moment I was feeling delivered and then I was back in the same situation again. Terror, confusion, obsessive unwanted blasphemies, condemning thoughts and feelings. Hypocrite! Who do u think youre fooling? Do you think you can fool God? You are a person with a rotten heart just like the Pharisees. This lasted for about 3 months on a daily basis. One day I decided that I have to admit I have a rotten heart. Whenever my mom or anyone else would talk to me I was trying not to speak nicely because I thought im a hypocrite, Im rotten so I should act as a rotten person. I almost went mad. I thought ok.. at least Ive learned many things about Satan, so Im gonna make a comic on Satans strategies and the lost sheep, in order to help other Christians I was feeling some comfort on that thought but then again the same thoughts followed hypocrite, you dont wanna help anyone, you just wanna please God so that He wont send you to hell so I decided I couldnt do anything as I was a total hypocrite who could no longer know what was genuine and what was fake. I didnt know who I was anymore. I went to visit my bf in UK as I was feeling that it was my last hope. But things only got worse. OCD had become severe. Dialogues kept on going in my head. Blasphemies, then please Lord forgive me, then I rebuke u Satan in Jesus name Who do u think u are to use Jesus name? Im sorry I shouldnt have done that then again unwanted blasphemies
. Even the simplest things had become hard. I couldnt make a tea for my bf as the words hypocrite were shouting in my head you wanna pretend youre a nice person, you dont belong here, you want to pollute those Christians. And then worse things happened. One day as I was sitting there trying to keep my mind busy with anything but those thoughts, new intrusive phrases came upon. This time it was clearly sexual and blasphemous at the same time, and VERY intense. My first reaction was to stop breathing and start praying please God kill me, please kill me. I spent everyday lying on the floor crying and begging God to kill me as I couldnt live like that anymore. I was feeling like a filthy monster. But things only got worse. Those thoughts started becoming even more powerful and concerning not only deities but people also. They would attack anyone or anything. I would see an unknown person on the street and floods of sexual perverted disgusting phrases and images would come along. I didnt wanna get out of the house, I was feeling like a criminal. Then, I couldnt even watch a movie. I was feeling extremely disturbed and disgusted. My bf kept on telling me its not from you, Its from the enemy, and at times I was feeling comfort but other times I was exasperated saying NO IM A MONSTER, I MUST DIE, Im sure God is disgusted by me. Meanwhile I was researching on my condition, (knowing it was obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression, along with spiritual warfare, but I wanted to find out if I needed to meet with a deliverance ministry or not. I have studied psychology so I knew that OCD is an exhausting disease which can be relieved by medicine, but I was very negative towards using medication). One day we went to a church for deliverance. I had fasted for a week and was full of hope. But during prayer I was feeling totally faithless and stupid. Nothing happened, I was just even more disappointed. People also advised me to keep on reading the Word of God, but most times it was impossible as just at the view of the Bible I had severe attacks, or while reading I couldnt comprehend what I was reading. Same thing would happen while listening to Christian music, watching Christian videos etc. Then I came back to my hometown. I remember when I was at the airport, I had a clear mind for a couple of hours, I was crying thanking God for those moments where I could simply look at people and not think of disgusting things. I believe that my brain function had really been disturbed as when I saw my pets they seemed weird to me. I was hugging them and thinking why do they look like this? They are strange.. I decided I would dedicate all my time into reading the Bible and christian books. Praise God, the demonic oppression while reading the Bible seemed to had let go off me, so I could read the Bible without many distractions. So I was reading and praying with tears all day long. I had written passages and words of faith and kept on repeating them aloud even while driving. But things wouldnt change. I was only getting more and more severe depression and ocd. People would tell me think of the blood of Jesus or rebuke Satan in Jesus name or just live your life, get busy with things, but it was impossible for them to understand that I could not think normally. Even while cooking or drinking water I had intrusive blasphemies or other disgusting thoughts. At some point I was thinking that if this thing doesnt stop I will become unable to eat or drink because of disgust. If a person is awake 16 hours daily, ocd was present for 13 hours of the day. Every minute it was there. One day I was sitting with a friend and confessed to her that I was more depressed than I had ever been in my entire life. I had stopped going out because I couldnt stand seeing people, I couldnt watch tv, I couldnt even stand hearing conversations. EVERYTHING was a trigger of perverted disgusting thoughts. Only my pets would offer me some relief and speaking to my bf. During all this period I had another symptom: analyzing every single thing for hours. For example I would think Jesus death was the most painful death of all and then I was feeling like I had to overanalyze that phrase in order to prove that I really meant it, that there was no hypocrisy or lie in it. That was also torture. My teacher suggested that we would pray for the baptism of the Holy Spirit. So we did. It was not a very good idea, since I was feeling terrified that some of the usual intrusive unwanted sh*t would appear during prayer. And it happened. So the same day, while overanalyzing the sacrifice of Jesus I found myself facing it in a totally ungrateful, insensitive, terrible approach. I immediately freaked out. I assumed that I had blasphemed the Holy Spirit during prayer and that everything is over (eventually I realized that that day I hadnt blasphemed the Holy Spirit, I suppose I grieved the Holy Spirit). That day was the beginning of the biggest torture. The same night I fell to bed and had terrible demonic attack in means of inner voices repeating curses non-stop high-speed, I was feeling my head would burst. I slept and had horrifying disgusting nightmares.. The following days were simply hell. This time I was 100% certain about my condemnation. And that led me to curse God and Jesus (it was by my will, not OCD this time)
.. I was thinking of God and Jesus totally different than they actually are. I was thinking that they were not listening to me anymore and that I was a joke even for Satan. I believed I was made to suffer. Then I couldnt feel repentance. I wanted to repent so badly but I just felt dead. I couldnt pray, I couldnt even cry anymore. I couldnt feel love for God, so I assumed I had been cut off of His Spirit. I was just feeling hell awaiting. I decided to kill myself but my bf stopped me the last minute. Then I was put in a mental hospital for two weeks. It was also a nightmare, except over there I could sleep (because of all the pills I was given). I kept on trying to find a plan to disappear somewhere and commit suicide without my family knowing. I didnt wanna send them to hell with me. I was thinking of God constantly. I was just sitting at the sun thinking God gave us everything, what was my problem? Oh yes, I was not chosen/ I blasphemed Jesus, why? Who knows why.. it is too late.. He hates me now/ I committed the unpardonable sin. Guilt was accompanying me 24/7. Disgusting thoughts and feelings were still there. Meanwhile I had stopped talking to all Christians, my bf got to the point of telling me that it is my choice to go to hell. I was feeling abandoned and rejected by all Christians (even though it was not true). In the hospital I started a suicide attempt but was interrupted by my mother visiting. I remember one day I went to play the piano (they had one inside the hospital) and I played Revelation song by Jesus Culture. Tears were falling from my eyes. I was thinking of Jesus kindness and glory. Then I suddenly stopped playing thinking it is over, just admit it. And then I had the most stupid idea ever I will try to convince myself that there is no God, meaning there is no hell as well, so I will be able to survive until my family passes away, then I can kill myself or whatever, so I rushed to leave the mental hospital, even though the doctors wouldnt let me. I promised my parents I would not commit suicide and they signed for me. When I came out of the hospital ocd had become kind of milder. All the rest was the same. I started researching on atheism, atheist arguments etc. but I just couldnt get convinced. I knew it was not true. And then one day I was writing a letter to God asking Him why He created me as my reason of being born was just to suffer eternally etc. and at the end of my letter I wrote Nevertheless, Im gonna miss you then I cried so much I hadnt cried for a long time, I prayed and said please, please if I have any chance please I need to hear your voice now but silence. A few days later I went to my piano and felt like playing revelation song again. I imagined Jesus/felt His presence sitting at my couch looking at me while playing the piano. I felt so ashamed for all I had said to Him, I felt so touched, so happy and so sorrowful at the same time.. I felt repentance. That was the starting point of my healing and deliverance.
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