married to a backsliding preacher

WolfGate said:

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

Here is a resource that might help you. Christ based. I know very well a former pastor's wife (he is deceased now) who lived the life you describe. Prayers for you.

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This looks like great information. Thanks for sharing it, Wolfgate.

I feel like I'm missing something.

He smokes and drinks and gets angry sometimes. Lots of decent guys are like that. What does he do when he goes out? Does he feed the homeless or where does he go?

You seem upset with him and label him a sinner but what is his crime?

You say he preaches and doesn't work. Which is it? Isn't being a preacher a job?

TMD1 said:

If I didn't have God to sustain me through this hell, i don't know what i would do. One day I will be free and that's my hope.

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You'd have probably divorced him long ago and been free of his nonsense (if it truly is that bad), possibly having moved on to something better were it not for your thoughts about how God treats divorce.

That being said - I do tend to agree with everyone else that if your primary complaint is that he drinks (amount does matter...is it a little, or is a lot? Is it a beer every night - or is it a fifth of scotch?), smokes and cusses, ehhhh, you could do far worse.

There ought to be no distinction drawn between "Godly advice" and "practical good advice." They're one in the same.

That being said - if you have a guy that does drugs, drinks copiously, smokes fiendishly, disappears for days on end, etc....then yeah. You've got a problem.

If, however, you're sitting there lamenting over the fact that he has a beer while watching the football game, occasionally throws out an f-bomb and has an occasional cigarette, then you're a bit of a PolyAnna and probably are just as miserable to live with as you envision him to be. Only thing is, he's not throwing God in your face in the process.

Somewhere on that spectrum between both extremes is probably where it truly sits.

lol - cool enough - that's all I had to say on the subject

TMD1 said:

Thank you to those who have responded in an encouraging and thoughtful manner. I've been in this situation for 6 years now and if I wanted a partner who drank, smoke, use drugs, disappeared for days, then I would have married an unbeliever with a job. And yes to me it is a sin and crime to practice sin habitually and call yourself a Christian and preach. He doesn't preach enough nor make enough to take care of his family and like I stated before, the money he gets from preaching is blown on ungodly behavior. To ezoolander and autumnleaf, my situation is bad and because I am someone who does not drink or smoke, his behavior which I did not see in the beginning of my marriage is ungodly to me. Either be hot or cold. Not lukewarm, not one foot in the world and in the church. Do you really think he's out feeding the homeless? Are you serious? I came to this forum for good Godly advice. If you don't have it to give then please post elsewhere. Thank you.

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Let me say that I am so sorry that you have been going through this pain of heart for so long but if you want it to stop than you must change....yes you.
Your husband will bring destruction on himself by his sin...as with the bond between you already shows...but your reaction to his carnality will be how God judges you...
you are married unless he leaves you are bond to him...yet the scripture says by Godly conduct and motives it may be the Lord will bring him to repentance.
You have posted two things that are against scripture...one that his sin is affecting your life....Jesus said he came that we might have life....he also said life is to know the Father...your husbands sin can not stop your life...yet bitterness over his sin toward you can...
The second is you just want it to be over...whatever we do in thought and deed must be of faith or it is sin....bless those who dispitfully use you.
Please dont think Im blaming you for anything or saying I dont understand the hurt...if your husband had written this post I would deal with what is keeping him from the life Christ has promised...I want to streangthen your faith...that trusting God does at times take years...as Abraham and Joseph and David can witness to....but if you trust in the Lord you will not be ashamed.
You asked for Godly advice so here is what the scriptures say.
1) repent unto the Lord for any action or reaction you have had that was unpleasing to God.
2) trust that the old you who had to know what to do and trust in yourself to get it done was crucified in Christ when you put your trust in him...not only is she dead but the life you now live is by the Spirit of God and it is the same life that was and is in Jesus...it is Gods life shared with you.
3)if it is possible as has already been mentioned go to church elders...it may wake him up...but at least the church will know the situation and can pray with you...if the church wont hear you pray for them too.
4) most important trust everything about everything to Jesus...trust all things to be done by his Spirit in you....trust him to make you trust him...trust him to repent through you...love through you...believe through you...rejoice through you...recieve through you...trust him to watch over you and your children and your husband...

If you do these things I cant tell you what your husbamd will do...he may repent begin to live trusting Christ and give you a marraige beyond what you can imagine...he may decide he cant handle being around some bible thumper...but I know something will happen when God lives in a situation there is no neutral...
But whatever the result if you trust Him you will prosper as your soul prospers.

If I never prayed for someone because *I* didn't have faith in them, there wouldn't be a lot of people on my prayer list.

You need to continue to pray for your marriage AND for your husband. If you have given up on him, what reason does he have for fighting?

TMD1 said:

Thank you for your post, but it is not against scripture to say that someone else's sin affects you. Oh yes it does. Look at this nation. My husband's sins have affected me and my children. I have to drive around in a car that reaks of cigarette smoke. The car that I transport my kids around. Me and my kids have suffered lack because of my husband. My husband has lied to the pastor of his church saying that my father died when he didn't or said that I or my children were sick (lies) as his reasons for not attending church regularly. He is a pathological liar. I am far from bitter, very disappointed, but not bitter. My lack of faith and discouragement have caused me not to pray for him very much, but God does command me to do so. If my situation is to change, I know that I must pray fervently. But I have to find it in myself to do so and it's still a struggle for me to pray for him as I don't have enough faith to believe that he will ever change.

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Dont misunderstand I know others sin affects us...Adam affected all of us with his sin...Hitler affected all germans not just those who agreed with him...so dont believe I am saying his sin does not affect you...my point is it cant keep you from living the life Lord has provided for you...no more than the world can stop the life of believers...
As to finding the faith to overcome...he is author and finisher of our faith...so dont look in you but trust him to create that faith in you.

TMD1 said:

Thank you to those who have responded in an encouraging and thoughtful manner. I've been in this situation for 6 years now and if I wanted a partner who drank, smoke, use drugs, disappeared for days, then I would have married an unbeliever with a job. And yes to me it is a sin and crime to practice sin habitually and call yourself a Christian and preach. He doesn't preach enough nor make enough to take care of his family and like I stated before, the money he gets from preaching is blown on ungodly behavior. To ezoolander and autumnleaf, my situation is bad and because I am someone who does not drink or smoke, his behavior which I did not see in the beginning of my marriage is ungodly to me. Either be hot or cold. Not lukewarm, not one foot in the world and in the church. Do you really think he's out feeding the homeless? Are you serious? I came to this forum for good Godly advice. If you don't have it to give then please post elsewhere. Thank you.

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Now he does drugs too?

But seriously, what specifically do you think he does that is sinful? It sounds like you don't like the guy because he drinks and smokes and doesn't make enough money to pay the rent. Lots of men and women fall into that category. I'm sorry you didn't marry Donald Trump, but most women don't. Most men and women marry people who have mixed qualities, hopefully they like them for the most part.

Do you think you should be encouraged to leave him because of what you told us, or should we encourage you to love the man you chose to marry? Which seems like something Jesus would do and which doesn't?

1 Peter 3:1-6 ESV

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands,

1 Corinthians 7:13 ESV

If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.


Hi, it starts with you.. And if you see yourself as Christian woman.. Start by following this word of Holy Spirit .. Written in NEW TESTAMENT.
If you take it to heart and pray and obey it.. And you truly want your marrige to work..
100% Jesus will help you.

Heavenly Father bless you and your family

TMD1 said:

Well this is the whole story and my husband will not go to a Christian counselor. I will have to go alone for my own sanity because he does things and Never apologizes. Stayed out again last night. I'm just numb and one day I'll be free from this person. I don't even pray anymore for my marriage and I'm going through the motions. Anyway, thanks for all your thoughts and advice.

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have you ever asked him to account for where he was when he stayed out?
Was he alone these times, or did he take a deacon along with him for a witness.

If he's going to stay out all night it should be in a public place. or if he is with a member of the congregation that he is ministering to, then there should be a deacon or a policeman there as a witness if the counseling is that urgent that it can't wait until morning.

if he goes out by himself and stays out all night, then he's setting himself up for a whole lot of gossip and slander from his congregation.

TMD1 said:

I can assure you that my husband is not out all night ministering or feeding the homeless. Some nights he has been out gambling, drinking, out in the streets as he claims. He is a backslider as I have posted. He still preaches sometimes even though he continues to sin. I ask him where he goes, but he rarely tells me, but I can smell that he's not out ministering.

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What does ministering smell like? What do you think Jesus smelled like at the end of the wedding party where he turned water into wine?

Autumnleaf said:

What does ministering smell like? What do you think Jesus smelled like at the end of the wedding party where he turned water into wine?

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Realy?....just wow

TMD1 said:

I can assure you that my husband is not out all night ministering or feeding the homeless. Some nights he has been out gambling, drinking, out in the streets as he claims. He is a backslider as I have posted. He still preaches sometimes even though he continues to sin. I ask him where he goes, but he rarely tells me, but I can smell that he's not out ministering.

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Sending a prayer for your family.
So what is your next step?

OP, I want to comment from the perspective of a preacher's daughter. My dad was and is a hypocrite. He was the "perfect" pastor in front of others and our family always appeared as the "perfect" good family on the outside, but there was so much hurt and abuse going on inside our house. As an adult I have finally admitted that what we endured was abuse. I used to forgive my dad on the premise that we were told he was abused as a kid and was "trying" his best. My eyes have been opened in the past few years (I'm no longer in denial) and I'm finally dealing with the affects that the abuse has had on me. I'm actually better off than my siblings in that I am the "golden child". My older brother, however, and younger sister, suffered much more abuse than I did. This past summer, I finally learned the truth that my older brother went through. Apparently the physical abuse was so bad with him that he called CPS several times, but they found nothing "wrong". My younger sister and I both gained a lot of weight and still suffer from binge eating disorder due to the verbal abuse, and some physical abuse. My sister, though, gained more weight than me and so she was the main subject of my dad's abuse. He even told her, when she was only 12, that she would never find a man unless she lost weight! What father says that to a preteen?! I realize now that my mom is responsible too because she rarely protected us kids - even now, if my dad gets upset, she always blames it on us and make excuses for my dad - she is an enabler. One of the rare times my mom stood up to my dad was when my dad broke my brother's arm and wouldn't take him to the hospital until he finished his chores. Later that day, my mom finally put her foot down and said he's going to the doctor - it took that long for her to speak up! My parents had a family meeting after that and told us we had to lie to the entire church and the rest of the family and say my brother fell down the stairs and broke his arm. I could go on and on because the abuse continues even now that we're all adults and on our own, but my point is that there is no reason for you to stay with your husband right now. You at least need a separation and your husband MUST be held accountable. The Bible says that pastors and teachers must be above reproach, meaning they must lead a holier life than others. Yes, they will make mistakes sometimes, but a man after God's own heart will repent and seek help when he is confronted by his sin, as King David did. And yes, drinking and doing drugs and staying out late and possibly (probably!) having an affair are definitely inappropriate for a minister, so don't make excuses for him! Every church should have an accountability system where there are associate pastors or at least board members, or other church leaders who should be meeting regularly with the pastor to help him with personal issues he might be dealing with. I've seen good pastors make mistakes, get help, and get back on their feet, but I've also been a victim of a pastor who was never held accountable for his actions. And as the wife/mother, you should be aware that if you don't speak up, you are also liable to your children for allowing this to continue. Whether or not your husband is hurting them physically or verbally, I guarantee he is NOT leading a Christ-like example for them, but since he's pretending to do so, your children will eventually despise him for his hypocrisy and possibly you as well for not standing up and speaking out. One more thing, if your husband is having an affair, that is most definitely a reason for divorce, even in God's eyes. If one spouse is unfaithful, he or she has already broken the marriage vows. Some marriages can be repaired, but not all. However, you MUST speak up and seek help for yourself and your children. Start by speaking to an elder or another leader in the church. If this person doesn't believe you or take you seriously, you must keep trying others in the church until someone listens. Please do this! It won't be easy, but your husband needs help. You and your children need help. The church is there to restore people's lives, but you must seek help now! Here is my prayer for you: " Father God, I ask for an anointing of the Holy Spirit right now for the OP. I ask for supernatural strength and courage for her to speak up and seek help for her family. I ask in the name of Jesus that you will remove the blinders from everyone's eyes, that the truth will come into the light, that there will be support and counseling available to this family, and that you will restore this family to your will. In Jesus name I pray. Amen."