i became a Christian when i was 12 years old. i'll be honest, it was all out of mere curiosity. i didn't feel an emotional nudge, or something beyond what i could explain, it was simply out of mere curiosity. i was at a newsboys show, and josh mcdowel was speaking, and there was an alter call, and i looked over to my friend doug, and said, "hey do you want to go down?"
i was searching for God. God was my new daddy in my eyes, and my father was my father. my father and have only had good moments. my parents divorced in 1990, and since then, it has been the law called for protection, some very bad/scary times with him and i, to him calling me names, and being down on me, and me on him. my father cleaned himself out of drugs after my parents split, but still grealy struggled a lot. he is doing good now, but our relationship is no where good, that is something i will explain later.
so i started out in the Pentecostal Church. changed to the First Friends Church, then to the church that my ex g/f in highschool's father preached at, which is a Reformed Congregationlist Church, then back to the First Friends Church, then back to another Pentecostal Church, then to a stine to where i really didn't attend church, then to a missionary church, then to off and on to a charismatic church, and now to a local ministry that is about an hour north of me.
through highschool life, i was solely based on God, my mom, dealing with issues with my father and i, my g/f at the time. everything with me is so based on relationships. i never understood "religion". i even tried to be religious, but i could never be the religious type, because i am who i am, but still i needed a relationship, and it has tooken me till present day to get that together in a good format.
after my relationship broke up, it was another piece of my world that fell apart that i relied on. so relationships with girls began to change. i ended up cheating on a girl, and that one sin has created affects that have lasted up to present day. after that was when my struggles came ten fold. i started smoking cigarettes and drinking and then attended college only to indulge in pot, which in the end messed me up emotionally. i skipped classes all the time, to hang out at coffee shops, would drink anytime i could to get certain pain numb, get stoned anytime i could find. eventually i fell deep into depression, and even was debating about suicide, because no matter how much i "enjoyed" the stuff, i was hating it at the same time. my relationships with girls fell also.
instead of keeping what God gave me peace in my heart to find someone that i can relate to spiritually, i found and tried with anyone. met a girl that ended up in a drug fase relationship, to a quick stint with a punk rock chic that when she didn't get sex from me, she was gone.
i wanted to start over. start over with my walk with God, start over with my relationship with my father, get off of pot, and just start over. well, i got some things accomplished, but in the end the only thing that happened was i quit pot for good.
i moved in with one of my best friends. in essence, he helped me put my life back together, but just being the friend that i needed. he didn't care that i struggled with things as a Christian, that didn't matter. i was his friend, so he helped me out. i still struggled with things, but i felt love coming through to me through my friend that let me move in, my blessed mother, and my other close friend.
i eventually moved out, because he soon to be getting married. we had a spat for awhile, but God saved our friendship. i turned 21, and i could go out to the bars easy. so i got my own place, and my hell just went worse, but pot wasn't involved. my father and i got along for a shot stint, but it ended in due time. i drank by myself, lived the bachelor life. messy apartment, pizze boxes everywhere, alcohol bottles everywhere, and i turned to drinking, because it numbs any negativity you feel. nothing i advise to do, but fact is fact with alcohol. many nights were spent drinking because i missed God, i was down because i was single, or had some relationship end, down because i missed my mom and friends, down because of my father and i's current status at the time. drink before i go to work, that was fine, as long as i only had at the most four beers. at the same time, i was still dieing to keep my faith in tact. hard to do when your struggleing, and you are constantly missing certain points that would have helped you made it through sober, but still i believe God kept me going in the end. through the love of my mother and my friends, somehow through everything i never gave up on Him.
then my world changed again. i met a girl online. she was living in California at the time, but she saw my profile on belief.net, and we started talking because we were into tattoos and the band soulfly and God. she was married, and it all started out as only christian friends that kept in contact through email. then one day i get a email to call her, something bad has happened. well by this time, i felt we were decent online friends, so i said, ok, i'll see what's up. well come to find out, her husband cheated on her, but while cheating on her, the girl he cheated on her with, he raped. police reports were reported and such. we talked on the phone for nearly 2 hours i believe. so our friendship rightly grew. she was 28 at the time, and i was 21 at the time. she in the end, told me she wanted me and i fell hard.
i wanted her, and i didn't know how to go about it. i prayed and prayed, and convinced myself it was alright even though she was going through a divorce by this time. my drinking semi-calmed down, but still i was drinking a good amount. so nevertheless a visit happened.
i flew out to California and spent a weekend out there. had a blast, and we never did anything sexual, even though we spent 3 nights together. her child was there, and it was a great time. the first night we spent it alone. it was a good time. at LAX, she sneaked a kiss to me before i left, and after everything that happened, my heart fell even more. within a month i was gone to Portland, Oregon, where she eventually moved to. In this process, i kept praying and praying, and still having myself convincing, but a small silent voice in my head just stood still and reminded me to wait it out and see what happens with a friendship, and my conscience was that still small voice, but i didn't listen to it. i just twisted things around to convince that my love for this girl and desire that i was going on was ok to move upon.
so one night the internet connection i had something happened to it, and i lost it. i was frantic because i couldnt' talk to her, so i called in work, and went to my friend's place and wanted him to go to the bar with me. we had a few drinks and shot pool together. in all reality, i made my desicion but i wanted someone else to say it was ok. he didn't push me out, he just saw things as i did. (this is a different friend than the one i moved in with at first.) so the next morning, i was gone. i left all my furniture, everything but my cd's, clothes and my acoustic guitar and a bible. my friend held some stuff, and my family cleaned everything up. i jumped on a bus, and took the long 3 day bus trip to Portland, Oregon.
my life utterly changed out there. here i was in a new part of the country, a new place. i was out there on a chance for a girl that was going through emotional hell of her own, and being there with a girl who had a child. so nevertheless, i fell right to the bottle. her and i would drink some times together, but in the daytime, and early evening were my times of finding work, and then in the meantime, going to the bar and drink. i truly believe she was too emotional messed up for me to need help with my new surroundings, and the bottle was an old friend i already knew, so he helped me out again. i couldnt' find work out there. in the process of this, adultery happened. we never had sexual intercourse, but sexual things occured, thus meaning that adultery was committed, because the marriage was still there. i remember hearing her child cry because she missed her daddy, yet i was growing attached to her, while she was attaching herself to me, but yet confused. i took on the girl's emotional unstableness with what happened with her husband and her. now of course, i am not down sizing her by any means, i know i made mistakes, i am just giving my side of the matter. so in the end, i was in a weird position. i was the b/f who moved from the other side of the country, but a b/f to a girl who was still married, and just recently seperated from her husband. my spirit twisted and hurt so much out there. i saw her pain, i saw the child's pain, i felt my own with everything, and the sexual things we did, did not help anything in the end, it was hard to run to God, not because of pride, but because i just didn't think about that too much, i was still convinced to be a mule and continue on, but in the end, i just dove head first into the bottle without thinking twice.
one specific night came about, that her husband was going to come up and see his daughter and rightly so, but she didn't tell him about me yet. so, in the end, i was put up in a hotel downtown portland for 3 nights, while he came, visited, and she broke the news. that was a night of hell for me. i drank all them days away. i remember walking downtown drunk, in the rain, lost because i couldn't find the hotel, and just left 2 bars. i still remember that city as close as if it was i just left it.
i came back and stayed for a little while longer, and another situation occurred. she struggled with pot, which for me wasn't an issue becuase i once struggled with it, and just as long as she didn't do it around me, i was cool and understanding. well i came back one evening, and her and friend and her child left, and i walked in the kitchen, they were all gone, and smelt pot, and i lost it. i wrote a long poem, a really upfront and harsh poem, and left. i hoped on the bus for awhile, and had it drop me off about a good 20 to 30 blocks away. took a walk to look at the Christmas lights, and it was getting close to that time anyways, and walked all the way back. get back, and everything changed. i went to far with my upset, and everything changed. within 3 days of that incident was back on a bus to Ohio. we fought there, and she couldn't tell me to stay in Portland, and she said she only wanted a friendship for the here and now, and i told her i didn't move across the country for a new best friend, and in the end, she took me out to bus station and i left.
the next 3 days were probably the worst days of my life. everything came into question. love, God everything. i cried a lot of the days back, and something happened. a need for God revitalized. 2 days before i left, i took a long walk around Portland. smoked cigarettes, and listened to music. sat on the cement step looking at the downtown scene, and while smoking a cigarette, i broke tears, and really prayed for the first time in a long with without having some selfish desire in mind. i asked God to just dictate over this situation. after that, i knew something was about to change, i didn't know what, but i knew something was going to change, and now i am still feeling the effects of that blessed prayer. Give God some room and He runs it, and i am thankful for that.
so i come back to Ohio really utterly confused, and only wanting to drink and figure out what is next in this change that i knew was coming. my mom was the only one waiting for me on the bus station when i arrived back, and she saved my life. this was only 9 months ago. so from then, till this night, things have been changing. my drinking for awhile went up again. the i descided enough is enough and it is time to cut back some. so, i went from 10 to 12 drinks when i go out, to 4 to 5 drinks. still a decent amount to drive on, but in comparitively speaking, it was a good change. but still the change wasn't good enough. i still felt the desire to let alcohol make me numb and happy, and that it did, and eventually it has gotten me a DUI. my faith has changed so much though.
i found a ministry an hour north of me, that just put more fruit in my life with its honest and realness. i was focusing on my spiritual life, but failed to address my drinking. some dont' understand, and i am not out to make people understand that, but just the fact i am realistic with my struggles no matter what. i didn't move the lessons in my spiritual life, to the drinking part of me, to control it, and put it in moderation, which gave me a DUI in the end. but my spiritual life was somehow nurishing. God's Work is beyond me, and mysterious. somehow God got through to me, even though i still struggled with drunkenness.
so to the present day, i have never felt as strong as i feel in my walk with christ. spiritual at more peace than i have ever been, self esteem higher than it has ever been, and things are moving up. my move created debt that i am trying to get taken cared of as best as i can. my drinking is now moderating it due to my DUI. i am not going ot set myself up for destruction or let me pride get too high. that is the only way i kept my virginity in tact, was by knowing how weak i am, and how much i need God. i still smoke cigarettes, but i am addicted now, and i like it in all reality, just the honest truth. i am 22, and just starting my life completely over, but on a better note this time.
I am single, and I do believe there is going to be a time for this. i don't know how long that is up to God, not me. i still get tattoos, got a lot more ideas planned, hehe. the lessons i learned, matured the person i was becoming, which is who i am now. i am still weak though. i still lean on God everyday. i am not a vibrant Christian. i am more of a melancholoy/mellow christian. my approach with drinking is moderation like i mentioned before. i want to enjoy something, not let it rule my emotions. i am suffering the consequences from ill choices and that is perfectly fine.
i look at my young life, and have realized that no matter what we still struggle after we repent and commit to Jesus Christ. I have realized that God's love is beyond infinity. I have learned that our eyes need not to be focused on what God can do for us but just because of who He is and the blessings will come, because we are friends with God. I look forward to my life now, because I know I am real with God now, and He is real with me, and a relationship is something i believe i finally have.
That is my story. sorry for the length, but explaining everything, i think helps to show where our faith has come from and went through. May God Bless you all! <><
Joe
i was searching for God. God was my new daddy in my eyes, and my father was my father. my father and have only had good moments. my parents divorced in 1990, and since then, it has been the law called for protection, some very bad/scary times with him and i, to him calling me names, and being down on me, and me on him. my father cleaned himself out of drugs after my parents split, but still grealy struggled a lot. he is doing good now, but our relationship is no where good, that is something i will explain later.
so i started out in the Pentecostal Church. changed to the First Friends Church, then to the church that my ex g/f in highschool's father preached at, which is a Reformed Congregationlist Church, then back to the First Friends Church, then back to another Pentecostal Church, then to a stine to where i really didn't attend church, then to a missionary church, then to off and on to a charismatic church, and now to a local ministry that is about an hour north of me.
through highschool life, i was solely based on God, my mom, dealing with issues with my father and i, my g/f at the time. everything with me is so based on relationships. i never understood "religion". i even tried to be religious, but i could never be the religious type, because i am who i am, but still i needed a relationship, and it has tooken me till present day to get that together in a good format.
after my relationship broke up, it was another piece of my world that fell apart that i relied on. so relationships with girls began to change. i ended up cheating on a girl, and that one sin has created affects that have lasted up to present day. after that was when my struggles came ten fold. i started smoking cigarettes and drinking and then attended college only to indulge in pot, which in the end messed me up emotionally. i skipped classes all the time, to hang out at coffee shops, would drink anytime i could to get certain pain numb, get stoned anytime i could find. eventually i fell deep into depression, and even was debating about suicide, because no matter how much i "enjoyed" the stuff, i was hating it at the same time. my relationships with girls fell also.
instead of keeping what God gave me peace in my heart to find someone that i can relate to spiritually, i found and tried with anyone. met a girl that ended up in a drug fase relationship, to a quick stint with a punk rock chic that when she didn't get sex from me, she was gone.
i wanted to start over. start over with my walk with God, start over with my relationship with my father, get off of pot, and just start over. well, i got some things accomplished, but in the end the only thing that happened was i quit pot for good.
i moved in with one of my best friends. in essence, he helped me put my life back together, but just being the friend that i needed. he didn't care that i struggled with things as a Christian, that didn't matter. i was his friend, so he helped me out. i still struggled with things, but i felt love coming through to me through my friend that let me move in, my blessed mother, and my other close friend.
i eventually moved out, because he soon to be getting married. we had a spat for awhile, but God saved our friendship. i turned 21, and i could go out to the bars easy. so i got my own place, and my hell just went worse, but pot wasn't involved. my father and i got along for a shot stint, but it ended in due time. i drank by myself, lived the bachelor life. messy apartment, pizze boxes everywhere, alcohol bottles everywhere, and i turned to drinking, because it numbs any negativity you feel. nothing i advise to do, but fact is fact with alcohol. many nights were spent drinking because i missed God, i was down because i was single, or had some relationship end, down because i missed my mom and friends, down because of my father and i's current status at the time. drink before i go to work, that was fine, as long as i only had at the most four beers. at the same time, i was still dieing to keep my faith in tact. hard to do when your struggleing, and you are constantly missing certain points that would have helped you made it through sober, but still i believe God kept me going in the end. through the love of my mother and my friends, somehow through everything i never gave up on Him.
then my world changed again. i met a girl online. she was living in California at the time, but she saw my profile on belief.net, and we started talking because we were into tattoos and the band soulfly and God. she was married, and it all started out as only christian friends that kept in contact through email. then one day i get a email to call her, something bad has happened. well by this time, i felt we were decent online friends, so i said, ok, i'll see what's up. well come to find out, her husband cheated on her, but while cheating on her, the girl he cheated on her with, he raped. police reports were reported and such. we talked on the phone for nearly 2 hours i believe. so our friendship rightly grew. she was 28 at the time, and i was 21 at the time. she in the end, told me she wanted me and i fell hard.
i wanted her, and i didn't know how to go about it. i prayed and prayed, and convinced myself it was alright even though she was going through a divorce by this time. my drinking semi-calmed down, but still i was drinking a good amount. so nevertheless a visit happened.
i flew out to California and spent a weekend out there. had a blast, and we never did anything sexual, even though we spent 3 nights together. her child was there, and it was a great time. the first night we spent it alone. it was a good time. at LAX, she sneaked a kiss to me before i left, and after everything that happened, my heart fell even more. within a month i was gone to Portland, Oregon, where she eventually moved to. In this process, i kept praying and praying, and still having myself convincing, but a small silent voice in my head just stood still and reminded me to wait it out and see what happens with a friendship, and my conscience was that still small voice, but i didn't listen to it. i just twisted things around to convince that my love for this girl and desire that i was going on was ok to move upon.
so one night the internet connection i had something happened to it, and i lost it. i was frantic because i couldnt' talk to her, so i called in work, and went to my friend's place and wanted him to go to the bar with me. we had a few drinks and shot pool together. in all reality, i made my desicion but i wanted someone else to say it was ok. he didn't push me out, he just saw things as i did. (this is a different friend than the one i moved in with at first.) so the next morning, i was gone. i left all my furniture, everything but my cd's, clothes and my acoustic guitar and a bible. my friend held some stuff, and my family cleaned everything up. i jumped on a bus, and took the long 3 day bus trip to Portland, Oregon.
my life utterly changed out there. here i was in a new part of the country, a new place. i was out there on a chance for a girl that was going through emotional hell of her own, and being there with a girl who had a child. so nevertheless, i fell right to the bottle. her and i would drink some times together, but in the daytime, and early evening were my times of finding work, and then in the meantime, going to the bar and drink. i truly believe she was too emotional messed up for me to need help with my new surroundings, and the bottle was an old friend i already knew, so he helped me out again. i couldnt' find work out there. in the process of this, adultery happened. we never had sexual intercourse, but sexual things occured, thus meaning that adultery was committed, because the marriage was still there. i remember hearing her child cry because she missed her daddy, yet i was growing attached to her, while she was attaching herself to me, but yet confused. i took on the girl's emotional unstableness with what happened with her husband and her. now of course, i am not down sizing her by any means, i know i made mistakes, i am just giving my side of the matter. so in the end, i was in a weird position. i was the b/f who moved from the other side of the country, but a b/f to a girl who was still married, and just recently seperated from her husband. my spirit twisted and hurt so much out there. i saw her pain, i saw the child's pain, i felt my own with everything, and the sexual things we did, did not help anything in the end, it was hard to run to God, not because of pride, but because i just didn't think about that too much, i was still convinced to be a mule and continue on, but in the end, i just dove head first into the bottle without thinking twice.
one specific night came about, that her husband was going to come up and see his daughter and rightly so, but she didn't tell him about me yet. so, in the end, i was put up in a hotel downtown portland for 3 nights, while he came, visited, and she broke the news. that was a night of hell for me. i drank all them days away. i remember walking downtown drunk, in the rain, lost because i couldn't find the hotel, and just left 2 bars. i still remember that city as close as if it was i just left it.
i came back and stayed for a little while longer, and another situation occurred. she struggled with pot, which for me wasn't an issue becuase i once struggled with it, and just as long as she didn't do it around me, i was cool and understanding. well i came back one evening, and her and friend and her child left, and i walked in the kitchen, they were all gone, and smelt pot, and i lost it. i wrote a long poem, a really upfront and harsh poem, and left. i hoped on the bus for awhile, and had it drop me off about a good 20 to 30 blocks away. took a walk to look at the Christmas lights, and it was getting close to that time anyways, and walked all the way back. get back, and everything changed. i went to far with my upset, and everything changed. within 3 days of that incident was back on a bus to Ohio. we fought there, and she couldn't tell me to stay in Portland, and she said she only wanted a friendship for the here and now, and i told her i didn't move across the country for a new best friend, and in the end, she took me out to bus station and i left.
the next 3 days were probably the worst days of my life. everything came into question. love, God everything. i cried a lot of the days back, and something happened. a need for God revitalized. 2 days before i left, i took a long walk around Portland. smoked cigarettes, and listened to music. sat on the cement step looking at the downtown scene, and while smoking a cigarette, i broke tears, and really prayed for the first time in a long with without having some selfish desire in mind. i asked God to just dictate over this situation. after that, i knew something was about to change, i didn't know what, but i knew something was going to change, and now i am still feeling the effects of that blessed prayer. Give God some room and He runs it, and i am thankful for that.
so i come back to Ohio really utterly confused, and only wanting to drink and figure out what is next in this change that i knew was coming. my mom was the only one waiting for me on the bus station when i arrived back, and she saved my life. this was only 9 months ago. so from then, till this night, things have been changing. my drinking for awhile went up again. the i descided enough is enough and it is time to cut back some. so, i went from 10 to 12 drinks when i go out, to 4 to 5 drinks. still a decent amount to drive on, but in comparitively speaking, it was a good change. but still the change wasn't good enough. i still felt the desire to let alcohol make me numb and happy, and that it did, and eventually it has gotten me a DUI. my faith has changed so much though.
i found a ministry an hour north of me, that just put more fruit in my life with its honest and realness. i was focusing on my spiritual life, but failed to address my drinking. some dont' understand, and i am not out to make people understand that, but just the fact i am realistic with my struggles no matter what. i didn't move the lessons in my spiritual life, to the drinking part of me, to control it, and put it in moderation, which gave me a DUI in the end. but my spiritual life was somehow nurishing. God's Work is beyond me, and mysterious. somehow God got through to me, even though i still struggled with drunkenness.
so to the present day, i have never felt as strong as i feel in my walk with christ. spiritual at more peace than i have ever been, self esteem higher than it has ever been, and things are moving up. my move created debt that i am trying to get taken cared of as best as i can. my drinking is now moderating it due to my DUI. i am not going ot set myself up for destruction or let me pride get too high. that is the only way i kept my virginity in tact, was by knowing how weak i am, and how much i need God. i still smoke cigarettes, but i am addicted now, and i like it in all reality, just the honest truth. i am 22, and just starting my life completely over, but on a better note this time.
I am single, and I do believe there is going to be a time for this. i don't know how long that is up to God, not me. i still get tattoos, got a lot more ideas planned, hehe. the lessons i learned, matured the person i was becoming, which is who i am now. i am still weak though. i still lean on God everyday. i am not a vibrant Christian. i am more of a melancholoy/mellow christian. my approach with drinking is moderation like i mentioned before. i want to enjoy something, not let it rule my emotions. i am suffering the consequences from ill choices and that is perfectly fine.
i look at my young life, and have realized that no matter what we still struggle after we repent and commit to Jesus Christ. I have realized that God's love is beyond infinity. I have learned that our eyes need not to be focused on what God can do for us but just because of who He is and the blessings will come, because we are friends with God. I look forward to my life now, because I know I am real with God now, and He is real with me, and a relationship is something i believe i finally have.
That is my story. sorry for the length, but explaining everything, i think helps to show where our faith has come from and went through. May God Bless you all! <><
Joe