Jealousy... what is it good for... absolutely nothing?

stan1980 · Jun 26, 2008

Following on from the recent spate of open relationship threads, is jealousy good for anything?

I suppose if you have a jealous partner, it kinda shows that they must like you a lot, but it isn't so good if they're checking your receipts, text messages, phone calls and not wanting to let you out of their sight. I've always been a very independent person, so personally, I find it difficult to date a jealous girl. Besides, there are many other ways of showing someone you like them, without the green eyed monster emerging and smothering them.

So can jealousy ever be a good thing or an advantage in any scenario?

WatersMoon110 · Jun 26, 2008

I think that, in small amounts, jealousy can be a useful emotion (like shame or guilt). But in large amounts it certainly gets in the way of living a normal, healthy life.

Jealousy, I feel, can represent a fear of losing a partner, and thus could motivate the person to be more attentive to partner, or to spend more time with them. But this emotion needs to be channeled into healthy actions - instead of into unhealthy ones like assuming the other person is cheating and reading their emails or something.

So, in small amounts and when used to motivate healthy behavior, I think that jealousy can be okay. But, usually, I agree, it just strangles a relationship to death.

Joykins · Jun 26, 2008

stan1980 said:
So can jealousy ever be a good thing or an advantage in any scenario?

Assuming you have the force to back it up, and you are male, you can ensure that all your mate's children are your own. For women, it can make male adultery not worth the effort (assuming the results of jealousy are just negative enough, and not too-negative as far as pushing the husband away).

It seems like an essentially negative way of dealing with the issues though.

MoonlessNight · Jun 26, 2008

It depends what you mean by Jealousy. If you mean something like the definition of "feeling bad or angry about another's fortune" then no I don't think that there's anything good that can come out of it. It stands as essentially the opposite of how we should feel. It's ultimately a destructive impulse.

The only good I could see coming out of something that could be called "jealousy" is if seeing someone else's success made you aware of some of your own failings so that you were inspired to improve yourself. But I don't consider that properly jealousy.

NPH · Jun 26, 2008

Assuming that you are speaking of romantic jealousy (rather than perhaps fiscal jealousy) I personally do not believe it to have any worth. Jealousy is the treating of another person as a thing which, IMO, should be considered the root definition of 'sin'. I would much rather someone I care about deeply to walk away forever than for me to even for one moment treat them as if I owned or ruled them in any way or fashion.

cantata · Jun 26, 2008

I think feelings of jealousy need to be carefully assessed on an individual basis. Sometimes, they tell you something useful - that you're being neglected, for example - but most of the time they're kind of selfish and unhelpful, and it's best to deal with the issues in another way. The worst thing about jealousy is that people feel justified in experiencing it, and they assume that it's their partner's fault. In my relationships, I try to recognise that any jealousy I feel is my problem, not my partner's, and work through it myself or discuss it with them in as non-accusatory a way as possible.

quatona · Jun 26, 2008

Imo jealousy is a miserable state to be in. Right from the top of my head I can´t think of any advantages it may have.

Aeris · Jun 26, 2008

I dont think in jealousy is a good thing, and try to avoid it whenever possible. Joykins brought up a good point though, it seems like it would be an emotion that would be more useful in animals or early humans.

Autumnleaf · Jun 26, 2008

It is useful when keeping relationships together is important to society.

NPH · Jun 27, 2008

Autumnleaf said:
It is useful when keeping relationships together is important to society.

How so? Discussing and working out any problematic issues within a relationship is far more useful to keeping the relationship together than jealousy. Jealousy seems far more likely to rip relationships apart needlessly than it is to contribute to keeping them together in any way.

IMO, if one is feeling jealous then there is at least two problems in the relationship ... the behavior of the other that is engendering the jealous thoughts (though it is quite possibly unrealistic expectations by the jealous party rather than actual behavior) and the mental state of the jealous individual who seems to feel they have ownership of another person.

Personally, the moment any partner of mine begins to have jealous thoughts or statements is an indicator that the relationship is essentially over. I have no interest in anyone who views me either as their property or their subordinate whose actions and emotions they have authority to compel.

Autumnleaf · Jun 27, 2008

CaptainYesterday said:
How so? Discussing and working out any problematic issues within a relationship is far more useful to keeping the relationship together than jealousy. Jealousy seems far more likely to rip relationships apart needlessly than it is to contribute to keeping them together in any way.

IMO, if one is feeling jealous then there is at least two problems in the relationship ... the behavior of the other that is engendering the jealous thoughts (though it is quite possibly unrealistic expectations by the jealous party rather than actual behavior) and the mental state of the jealous individual who seems to feel they have ownership of another person.

Personally, the moment any partner of mine begins to have jealous thoughts or statements is an indicator that the relationship is essentially over. I have no interest in anyone who views me either as their property or their subordinate whose actions and emotions they have authority to compel.

You are free to do whatever you want and no one should ever have any claim over you and vice versa. That being the case, whenever one person feels close to another to the point that they think two have become one, ie marriage according to the Bible, its time to call it quits. Maybe the Latter Day Saints Sisters are right. For all I know God has let go of the reins.

Verv · Jun 27, 2008

Jealousy in terms of desiring exclusivity over your partner si really a normal emotion. If you want to be with someone it is kind of clear that if she is also with somoene else the time becomes divided; special things become divided.

When you want to eat a Pizza you want to eat as much pizza as you want. I fsomeone comes and starts eating the same pizza as you and it is no longer enough you want to go and just cut your losses and get your other pizza.

quatona · Jun 27, 2008

jmverville said:
Jealousy in terms of desiring exclusivity over your partner si really a normal emotion.

Seeing that most everybody has experienced or will experience it at some point - yes, it is normal.
But that wasn´t the question.

If you want to be with someone it is kind of clear that if she is also with somoene else the time becomes divided; special things become divided.

That sounds a lot like what many people here keep calling "selfish".

When you want to eat a Pizza you want to eat as much pizza as you want. I fsomeone comes and starts eating the same pizza as you and it is no longer enough you want to go and just cut your losses and get your other pizza.

Interesting comparison. Interesting take on the nature of relationships between two persons.

cantata · Jun 27, 2008

I don't see any reason to assume that people have only enough love for one person.

After all, people seem to manage to love all of their offspring. No one says to someone with one child, "Don't have another one! They'll only get a half-quota of love each!"

craigerNY · Jun 28, 2008

When I was younger I was jealous and insecure (I am sure they were directly related). It took a lot of introspection to understand what I was doing and to do something about it. I got better and when I was in a relationship with a woman that had the same unhealthy insecurities rooted in jealousy I saw the depth of what I once was. I hope she got better for her sake.

jmverville said:
When you want to eat a Pizza you want to eat as much pizza as you want.

It has been a while since I've had any and your post gives me a hankerin'................and I'm not talking about pizza.

Zeo · Jun 28, 2008

The problem with jealousy is that it stems from an inherently false belief--the belief that we are all separate and have everything to lose. The truth is that we are all one thing, and thus couldn't possibly lose anyone's love since we were never separated from it at the first place. Seeing others as a separate object also gives us the illusion that it is possible to lose them, but since they are one thing with us, that is impossible.

That said, I haven't managed to overcome the occasional ugly feeling of jealousy. But knowing where it stems from helps to do something very important: taking responsibility for one's own feelings rather than blaming someone else for them. As someone else said, all too often we feel justified in being jealous and then feel as though it is our partner's responsibility for our being this way. But recognizing that the feeling is unwarranted and unfair helps to keep me level-headed in talking about my feelings without being accusatory.

Eve_Sundancer · Jun 28, 2008

^Very interesting! Jealousy doesn't seem to be a very positive emotion to me--I don't feel very positive when I'm feeling jealous. Overcoming jealousy and insecurity is a hard thing to do. I'm not perfect and those feelings grip me from time to time. It's only beneficial when I look inward to why I feel that way, come to terms with it, and conquer those feelings with truth. Communication is far more productive and healthy than suspicion and fear.

Quasicentennial · Jun 29, 2008

Jealousy is a quiet and secret hatred for one's talent or superior status. I would be surprised if one of NASA's engineers use sabotage that caused the space shuttle explosion in January 1986. A person in a superior position ignoring the warnings of an engineer's views must have encouraged the unfortunate event to happen. Poor souls. I suppose now the crew know well what freedom is like in heaven with perfect minds and bodies like Adam and Eve.

JustMeSee · Jun 29, 2008

Jealously is often an early warning sign of problems in relationships.

JustMeSee · Jun 29, 2008

Quasicentennial said:
... I would be surprised if one of NASA's engineers used sabotage that caused the space shuttle explosion in January 1986...

I would be pretty surprised to hear that news too. That wouldn't just be jealously. It would be murder.

Jealousy... what is it good for... absolutely nothing?

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