I sat there tonight... telling myself my warlock had to hit 74 before I could go to bed. It's 10pm on a Saturday night, kiddo is with his gramma, and I'm glued to a chair telling myself I can't move for 18% more of a level.
I hop on a flight plan, and alt tab during flight to the WoW forums... yes, I am so addicted to this game, that when I'm not in it, I'm probably reading about it.
Was it fate? Was it God smacking me with a 2x4? The next link I clicked on the wow forums was
http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=13393403549&sid=1
A thread about WoW addiction.
It's a Saturday night. Saturday nights used to be Karaoke night. I loved my Karaoke bar I went to, it's a tiny little dive, and people there can't sing worth beans, which meant I was always the best singer in the room. (If you're the best in a bunch of baddies, is that still something to brag about?) I thought about going to Karaoke tonight... but I needed to hit lvl 74. (My paladin has already hit 80... but anyone who plays knows a holy paladin can't farm for crap!)
And I alt tab to a thread on WoW addiction.
And I want to cry. Not because of the thread, which I didn't even read past the first post, but because I actually copied the link from that post, and read some of the stories.
And then I googled "wow addiction". And "wow recovery". And I'm ashamed of what I've done to my life.
I've been playing just barely over two years. I picked this game up Dec. 6th, 2006, according to my account history. In the two years, I've leveled 4 toons to what (was) the max level. I raided all the content in the game. I had pretty shiny purple epic gear that I could stand on mailboxes with and have people say "ooh!"
My warlock has: 91 days, 18 hours played
My priest has: 15 days, 3 hours played
My paladin has: 42 days, 18 hours played
My druid has: 18 days, 8 hours played
My mage has: 3 days, 18 hours played
My hunter has: 2 days, 11 hours played
My bank alt has: 2 days, 10 hours played
That doesn't include any character under level 60. That isn't any useless alts that I've puttered around with (besides my bank alt, cause that's some time spent there!)
In 738 days, I've spent a full 176.58 days playing this game. That means in 2 years, I've spent 6 months logged on. 24% of my time is logged in.
This is beyond a game... this is an obsession.
How many days of my life have I wasted? Forget days. How many MONTHS have I wasted? And for what? Shiny purple pixels that mean nothing? Bragging rights in a video game?
I tell myself it was for my friends, and then I have to step back, and ask if any are truly friends? Can you have friends you never meet? Can people who you've only seen as rotting corpses throwing balls of flame actually be "friends"? Can anyone you'd actually call a "friend" really want you to spend 6 months of your life doing nothing but killing internet dragons?
Two years ago, I was full of promise... I was attending one of the best colleges in my area, and had a full scholarship. I weighed about 75 lbs. less than I do now. I was active in my church choir. I was even singing a solo for Christmas! I went to Karaoke nights regularly... spent time losing myself in the books in Barnes & Nobles. I was getting nearly straight A's in school, plans for being a pharmacist. I was a moderator on several popular internet sites. I'm pretty sure I had hobbies, and friends, and goals and dreams. I don't remember being bored with my life.
Today, I need to look at myself in a mirror. I'm sitting here, the heaviest I've ever been in my life, and that includes while pregnant. My marriage is a shambles. My child barely talks to me, and knows not to "bug Mommy when she's playing". My desk is a disgusting pigsty. I haven't talked to friends of mine in months... real life friends, some of whom I've known since Jr. High. I've called in "sick" to work to raid, and called in "sick" when I was stupid and stayed up till 4am playing. I've failed two semesters of school, partly because of outside influences, but also due to the fact that I wanted to be playing, not in classes. Heck there were days I'd skip class to go to the school library and read the WoW forums! The forums I was supposed to moderate, I haven't logged on in two years. I haven't been to church on anything but Christmas or Easter in those two years.
There is nothing about virtual life that should take over like this one has. How can I have let this happen?
I think it's because I've never genuinely liked myself. But I can be likable on WoW. One of the truths of being a woman in that game is you're immediately popular. It doesn't much matter that I'm old, fat, and decidedly not cute, the fact I have a "sexy voice" on vent immediately makes me popular. It's so nice to have people who seem to enjoy you around.
It's also given me a good escape from my life. My marriage is an absolute joke now, but 2 years ago it wasn't much better. I've struggled with mental health issues for years. Like everyone else in the world, my past is rather colorful and unsavory (and frankly beyond the point).
So I took the escape, into the world that I could be anything or anyone I wanted. Where I could be the skinny blonde girl, brandishing sword and shield while protecting her friends. Where I could manipulate the world around me with magic, and gain what I wanted through nefarious deeds. Where what I was was whatever I wanted to be, within the limits of my imagination. Where I truly believed, if I was a good person, worked hard, treated people right, my life mattered.
Why do I believe that about a virtual world, and not the real world? How can I live with myself every day, knowing that in real life, I'm a disgusting sloth, who many a day has spent that extra 15 minutes getting that last quest done, rather than take a shower and brush my teeth?
How did I lose myself so badly? Is there anyone left worth saving?
Tonight shall be my night of mourning. Tonight I shall cry and think of all I've lost... all the moments I've missed, all the cute sayings I've ignored. I'll think about where time could have been better spent.
And tomorrow, I shall outline a plan for recovery. I've beat bigger demons in my life... and this is my ultimate boss kill.