Ill tell you a bit about me. Where do I begin? When I was young I was bullied very badly. I was bullied by kids at school and I was bullied at home by the kids on my block. It put a lot of fear in me. Anyway, as a kid I remember having a dream about my grandmother putting 666 stickers up on the wall and it scared me and I would wake up worried. I also had another dream of the devil being in the church. In the dream I would see the devil in the TV at church with a famous rapper named ice cube dressed as an angel clapping. That dream scared me. I didn't know what these dreams meant or why I was having them. I also had a dream when I was a child of bible scriptures falling to the ground. I also had another dream of the devil being in my room reading off who was going to hell and the people would cry when he read their name. Anyway, as I got to school my first crush bullied me very badly and I had liked him for about 5 years. That experience scarred me and I swore to never like anyone again and that's what I did. As soon as I would see a good looking guy I would actively shut him off because I remembered how I was treated. At home I would see my mom and dad fight and argue everyday and it used to make me cry but then I just stopped caring. My mom has what I believe is schizophrenia or delusional disorder. She believes that she is being gangstalked by some secret organization and that the government is on it. She is also obsessed with Michael Jackson and was once put in a psych ward and she said that she saw mickey mouse on the ground and thought she could fight like Bruce Lee. She said that something was telling her that she could have her own galaxy or universe (I believe it was some evil spirit trying to decieve her). She believed that Michael Jackson was the angel Michael. To this very day she rewinds Michael Jackson videos over and over again because she's trying to hear a "secret message" in it. She said she had an image in her mind of her falling through fire. She was originally in church before all of this happened and she had accepted jesus and the church members would come to her house and ask if she was still saved. I dont know if religion made her crazy or what. Anyway, i grew up in the church and i used to sing "yes jesus loves me" then one day i went walking with my dad and he told me jesus wasnt real and that we were really the ancient egyptians. I was shocked. Anyway, fast forward after being bullied by my first crush ever and also being bullied and treated wrong by my other crushes as well I decided to close my heart off to love and I did it and to this day when I tried to love someone I just don't feel it, I don't have crushes anymore and haven't had one since I was a child. As a child I discovered I had a talent to draw (my mom had the same talent as well as my dad). The crush who bullied me would always ask me to draw a picture for him and I would always do it cause I liked him, but then he would be right back mean again after I would draw him something and I was tired of being used. He liked this other girl who was really pretty and had long hair and I used to dream that I was her. As i grew up i grew into my beauty when i at first thought i was not pretty. Despite the fact that i felt i was pretty i never got the attention i felt i deserved. The guys would always choose other girls over me and i would always be in their shadow and it made me angry because i got tired of always being last picked. I grew proud in myself and felt like "I know I look good and you will see it".I've always been a worry wart. My mom would always look up illnesses in the medical book and tell me " I think I have cancer" and it used to scare me as a child and as a teenager and it would make me depressed. I would be worried that my mom was dying. I decided to start doing the same thing as my mom, so one day I started looking up diseases in the medical book and it would scare me. One day during the blackout in 2003 I decided to drink out of the water hose and my mom came rushing out telling me that I could getAIDS or syphlis from drinking the water and it scared the crap out of me to hear my mom say something like that. Sometimes my parents would argue and my dad would leave home and i would worry as a child that he was cheating on my mom and that would make me sad. I grew up always single and people wondered whether I was lesbian. This one guy would call me and my friend lesbians and it would make me so mad because i knew it wasnt true. But one day this thought came to me like " you're gay" and I would think "No I'm not" and it would be like "yes you are, you're in denial". I would get these intrusive thoughts with gay images in my head. I later came to find out it was OCD even though I had never been diagnosed but I think that's what it is. At school I would struggle with the gay thoughts and it made it hard for me to focus at school. I forgot to mention as a child I got these horrible thoughts like " what if you killed your sister?" And it would scare me so much and I would cry because of the thoughts because the thoughts would accompany a feeling and it really traumatized me as a kid. One day I heard this rap song and it made me get this image in my head of my mom getting shot and blood being all over the place and it really scared me. As I got older as I grew into my beauty I became to really value it because it made me feel powerful and in control and that I could finally get what I want in life. Guys would try to be with me but i got so used to turning them down that i really just felt so good loving myself that I felt no need for a relationship even though I still wanted one at the same time but when a guy would get close I'd get scared and I'd get this feeling as if I was being violated because I forgot to mention that i was touched inappropiately as a child by two cousins and a boy who lived down the street from me. As I got older I realized I had another talent which was designing clothes and I designed someone's prom dress. As I got even older I learned to play piano through YouTube and eventually I learned to make my own music. So I looked good, designed clothes, was funny, smart and could make my own music I was the envy of many. I felt powerful. One day I began watching this pastor who was exposing satanism in the music industry and it really caught my eye because I couldn't believe that was going on. Then he startedvtalking about aliens and how music affects your brain. I started worrying that the music industry was trying to get peoples souls. I started looking up videos on satanism and I got all of this information on it. Meanwhile in life I was getting jealous of other girls looks and I was envious and I would obsess over them. I was once the prettiest in the family but then my cousin came along and I was so envious and jealous and depressed and she was very rude to me and my family she had got more likes than I ever had on Facebook and it made me sad. She was arrogant out in the open. So I decided to read the bible to stop feeling that way and I felt like I needed to be closer to God. I started reading scriptures about vanity and how it was bad and I started thinking I was bad because of my own vanity so I began to punish myself. I felt I wasn't perfect enough for God. My family was once in church following Christ and I would go to church with them. Then next minute they stopped being christian and denounced Christ and said they were black Hebrew Israelites and I felt like they knew what was best so I followed them. I thought they knew what was best cause I was always taught that the adults always knew what was best. I read the ten commandments and the part where it says thou shall have no other gods before me, it immediately made me think of Jesus because I always prayed to God (the creator of the Earth) only. Then when they brought Jesus in I couldn't imagine God as a man walking around. Then I had this constant battle between "Do I worship God all by himself? Or do I accept Jesus and pray to Him?" I was scared because they said if you don't accept Jesus you'll go to hell and I didn't wanna go to hell. So one day I decided to accept Jesus into my heart but I had a really bad feeling about doing it and I did not trust him. I just had this feeling. I started worrying about 666 and the mark of the b-word. I prayed to Jesus to not let me get it and that night a bright light came down to me in a vision and the light consumed me basically and it got hotter and hotter and hotter until in the vision I started to freak out like "is this hell? Is this hell?!!" And then I woke up. It scared the crap out of me and till this very day it made me not trust Jesus because that was not a pleasant experience. Then I became more and more paranoid of 666 and I was worried they were trying to give it out and I was thinking "what if they try to give it to me?" One friend said Jesus is God and my dad said the opposite he said Jesus is the Son of God but he is not God. This confused me because one person was saying this, and the other person was saying something totally different. I was so confused especially after that scary vision I had. I ended up saying "what I need Jesus for?" And my dad was telling me that I was right for thinking that. He was coaching me on. He told me the religiob n was given to us by the "white man" to enslave and control people. Another relative said the same thing and i felt they know more about history than i do. I started having these dreams of evil things happening. I had this dream not too long ago of this man who I think is the devil he said in a dream like was trying to hypnotize me he said "she will be dead at 12pm" I started getting scared of the sun and then my aunt said the whole book of Christianity is based off of the sun and that it is a copy from the Egyptians. So I'm really confused and don't know what to do. I became double minded as a result. Should I pray to the creator of the earth (GOD) and libre my life and be happy? Or do I die to self and live for Jesus? I cannot be happy trying to be perfect. Now I have developed an overactive conscious like "that is a sin, this is a sin. I just sinned. [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] am I being vain? I am stuck and I feel like the whole trnity thing really confused me. I don't know what to do. No one I know has ever gone through this so I am really confused.