Is this actually good advice?

Gentle Lamb · Jul 25, 2022

I've been getting advice that is not good for a lady to tell a man about her family background before they get married, that only when he's her husband should he know more details about her family. Is that true? Should the guy be expected to walk into the family situation that he's marrying into blind, only judging the woman on her character and not having any inkling of what the family life is really like? Or is it more fair, as I think it is, to tell the man a background story about what he's walking into as he's getting ready to commit for life?

BobRyan · Jul 25, 2022

Gentle Lamb said:
I've been getting advice that is not good for a lady to tell a man about her family background before they get married, that only when he's her husband should he know more details about her family. Is that true? Should the guy be expected to walk into the family situation that he's marrying into blind, only judging the woman on her character and not having any inkling of what the family life is really like? Or is it more fair, as I think it is, to tell the man a background story about what he's walking into as he's getting ready to commit for life?

depends on what you mean.

There is no requirement to unload all the dirt of your family on a potential spouse before marrying them. On the other hand - if everyone in your family gets drunk at family reunions - you might want to mention it.

Paidiske · Jul 25, 2022

I would think good marriage preparation would cover a lot of family-of-origin stuff. Walking in blind to the other person's family situation, and understanding how it has shaped them, their needs, expectations, and so on, doesn't strike me as wise (for either party).

trophy33 · Jul 26, 2022

Gentle Lamb said:
I've been getting advice that is not good for a lady to tell a man about her family background before they get married, that only when he's her husband should he know more details about her family. Is that true? Should the guy be expected to walk into the family situation that he's marrying into blind, only judging the woman on her character and not having any inkling of what the family life is really like? Or is it more fair, as I think it is, to tell the man a background story about what he's walking into as he's getting ready to commit for life?

Depends on what you mean by details.

He must know enough about your childhood and about your parents, to know what to expect from you when you will become more like your mother, in your 30's. He must also know enough about your father, because in the long run, your father is what you will expect from him to behave like.

A general financial situation, lifestyle and relationships of your family are also quite a must for an informed decision.

He does not need to know that your aunt was having an argument with your uncle about a toy when they were 5, tough.

ozso · Jul 26, 2022

Considering in-laws often have a huge bearing on a marriage, that sounds like really bad, not to mention dodgy, advice.

Skye1300 · Jul 26, 2022

Gentle Lamb said:
I've been getting advice that is not good for a lady to tell a man about her family background before they get married, that only when he's her husband should he know more details about her family. Is that true? Should the guy be expected to walk into the family situation that he's marrying into blind, only judging the woman on her character and not having any inkling of what the family life is really like? Or is it more fair, as I think it is, to tell the man a background story about what he's walking into as he's getting ready to commit for life?

I think that's good advice for men and women, because people can't help the family they are born into and no one wants to be judged based on what their family members do. Now if it's something genetic, like a lot of disabilities that could be passed on, (autism, Down syndrome, weird diseases etc) that's different. But family members who may be on drugs or whatever, that has nothing to do with the one you will marry. They are their own person.

disciple Clint · Jul 26, 2022

Gentle Lamb said:
I've been getting advice that is not good for a lady to tell a man about her family background before they get married, that only when he's her husband should he know more details about her family. Is that true? Should the guy be expected to walk into the family situation that he's marrying into blind, only judging the woman on her character and not having any inkling of what the family life is really like? Or is it more fair, as I think it is, to tell the man a background story about what he's walking into as he's getting ready to commit for life?

imho if it is necessary to hide something from the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with then marriage is not appropriate yet. Hiding things from your mate is a very destructive behavior.

timf · Jul 26, 2022

Withholding information to close a deal is a poor business practice and could be considered deceptive.

It can be useful to use the golden rule approach and ask yourself what you would like to know.

One doesn't have to go into excruciating detail, but an avoidance of family gatherings is more easily understood if there is an awareness of past abuse.

Maria Billingsley · Jul 26, 2022

Gentle Lamb said:
I've been getting advice that is not good for a lady to tell a man about her family background before they get married, that only when he's her husband should he know more details about her family. Is that true? Should the guy be expected to walk into the family situation that he's marrying into blind, only judging the woman on her character and not having any inkling of what the family life is really like? Or is it more fair, as I think it is, to tell the man a background story about what he's walking into as he's getting ready to commit for life?

I'm not sure how a couple can avoid talking about each others family history unless they lie about it. Let's take the worse case scenario, abuse. Certainly if one of the parties suffered such a thing it would have an effect on the relationship. We all have baggage and the best way to deal with it is to be forthcoming and honest. This will build the relationship on a solid ground.
Blessings.

turkle · Jul 26, 2022

I think that in the beginning, when first dating, it is not necessary to disclose close family information. In fact, I would advise against it.

However, if the relationship becomes more serious and headed towards marriage, I think that information should be shared. We don't just marry our partner, we marry their family as well. I think it only fair that a person knows what they are getting into. I think that it is poor advice to wait until after the wedding to dump on a spouse.

com7fy8 · Jul 26, 2022

Gentle Lamb said:
I've been getting advice that is not good for a lady to tell a man about her family background before they get married, that only when he's her husband should he know more details about her family. Is that true?

This could tell you something about that person. Who is this person? I mean, no names, but is the person a minister or a stranger or a friend . . . ? There are controlling people who can get a lot of followers, of all things. This advice sounds like controlling, to me.

But we do need one another to help each other grow in Jesus and learn how to love in marriage.

But keeping family information a secret, I would say, is not helpful.

You can grow with each other, and discover how you do well to trust each other with your family things. After all, this can help you to love and pray for each other's family, right?

lastofall · Jul 28, 2022

it is written: Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

aiki · Jul 28, 2022

Gentle Lamb said:
I've been getting advice that is not good for a lady to tell a man about her family background before they get married, that only when he's her husband should he know more details about her family. Is that true? Should the guy be expected to walk into the family situation that he's marrying into blind, only judging the woman on her character and not having any inkling of what the family life is really like? Or is it more fair, as I think it is, to tell the man a background story about what he's walking into as he's getting ready to commit for life?

What's the rationale for keeping family details from a prospective husband?

seashale76 · Jul 28, 2022

I've been married twenty-three years (my parents fifty). I wouldn't dream of marrying someone if we didn't sit down and hash out beliefs, outlook on life, family dynamics, how to raise potential children, finances, et cetera. That's part of weeding out incompatible potential marriage partners (i.e. dating).

I once knew a woman who married a con artist. The dude flat up lied about his personal background by presenting himself as someone who had a master's degree from a top tier university when he only had a GED. He somehow kept his wife from interacting with his family before the marriage just so they wouldn't be able to naysay his lies.

Is this actually good advice?

"Let there be sheep!"

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