Is It Wrong When Husband Calls Another Woman Darling or Baby?

tall73 · Dec 30, 2014

Perhaps you could clarify one point. Do you think he is intending to flirt, or not?

Either way, the fact that some take it that way is an issue. However, for the relationship aspect it is important to clarify his motivations, as this would determine what level it needs to be addressed at.

Intentional flirting is a different heart issue than a learned saying that is taken the wrong way.

Romanseight2005 · Dec 30, 2014

You know, even if it's not flirty, it is at least very condescending. I hate to be called honey by anyone other than my own parents, or my husband. I have noticed that my dh also calls a lot of females honey or sweetie, including elderly ones. So in his case I don't think he's necessarily flirting, but it just seems so condescending to me. I don't think there is any way to look at it, and have it come up appropriate.

ValleyGal · Dec 30, 2014

Romanseight2005 said:
You know, even if it's not flirty, it is at least very condescending. I hate to be called honey by anyone other than my own parents, or my husband. I have noticed that my dh also calls a lot of females honey or sweetie, including elderly ones. So in his case I don't think he's necessarily flirting, but it just seems so condescending to me. I don't think there is any way to look at it, and have it come up appropriate.

One of the first things I learned in nursing school is that we should never call an elderly person such a term of endearment because it sounds like you are talking to a child rather than an elder. I was taught that respectful communication with an elder was the use of mr, mrs or miss, whichever is relevant to the person - followed by their last name. Once the relationship is developed, then you may ask for permission to address them by their preferred name. Anything else was disrespectful. And to be honest, now that I am middle aged, I find it rather condescending to be called sweetie or honey - except by the one I call Sweetie - my husband.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asRi49khe1k

Susie~Q · Jan 3, 2015

I would absolutely hate it if my husband did that. I mean, those words are reserved for the wife/husband, to me, it is big-time flirting and very suggestive.

I am an US citizen living in New Zealand, I notice that a lot of folk here call women "love" at first, it shocked me, still sort of does, but, I am getting use to it. I am glad, however, that Steve does not call any woman that or anything else, he just calls them by their name.

annafullofgrace · Jan 3, 2015

Susie~Q said:
I would absolutely hate it if my husband did that. I mean, those words are reserved for the wife/husband, to me, it is big-time flirting and very suggestive.

I am an US citizen living in New Zealand, I notice that a lot of folk here call women "love" at first, it shocked me, still sort of does, but, I am getting use to it. I am glad, however, that Steve does not call any woman that or anything else, he just calls them by their name.

My husband recently went on a business trip to London and he said that almost all the men there he encountered (even at work) all call women 'love". We both thought that would make a woman uncomfortable.

I think if it bothers you, as his wife, then he should stop regardless if it is harmless or not just because it bothers you.

Fossa · Jan 18, 2015

He says he's not intending to flirt… i wish he'd stop he doesn't need to do it and i think it's only for attention... to be the attention and get the attention of ladies but he won't and gets defensive about it saying that's how things go in the south…and even though he lived there for a time we live way up in the boondocks of Montana now so that doesn't fly!

Willtor · Jan 18, 2015

Sometimes people call my wife "sweetheart" or "honey" and she thinks it's condescending and/or creepy. That goes double when they wear wedding bands. I think some people are raised that way, especially in the south (my wife was a pastor in Mississippi for a few years before we got married). A lot of them don't realize that most of the rest of the country sees that as backward, and can't hear it without also hearing a dueling banjos and crickets.

Obviously, it's reprehensible and demeaning to women because it implicitly puts them at a disadvantage. It's also humiliating to the wives of such people because everyone who hears it thinks the husbands are unfaithful. If you confront him about it, again, let him know that outside the south, people see it as a poor reflection on his moral character. Some elements of culture need to change.

Fossa · Feb 3, 2015

tall73 said:
Perhaps you could clarify one point. Do you think he is intending to flirt, or not?

Either way, the fact that some take it that way is an issue. However, for the relationship aspect it is important to clarify his motivations, as this would determine what level it needs to be addressed at.

Intentional flirting is a different heart issue than a learned saying that is taken the wrong way.

He says he's not intending to. i mean at least I hope not!

Fossa · Feb 3, 2015

Willtor said:
Sometimes people call my wife "sweetheart" or "honey" and she thinks it's condescending and/or creepy. That goes double when they wear wedding bands. I think some people are raised that way, especially in the south (my wife was a pastor in Mississippi for a few years before we got married). A lot of them don't realize that most of the rest of the country sees that as backward, and can't hear it without also hearing a dueling banjos and crickets.

Obviously, it's reprehensible and demeaning to women because it implicitly puts them at a disadvantage. It's also humiliating to the wives of such people because everyone who hears it thinks the husbands are unfaithful. If you confront him about it, again, let him know that outside the south, people see it as a poor reflection on his moral character. Some elements of culture need to change.

I agree with you! It's not necessary for people to act this way...and people have to think of how the other person might interpret it...one might feel they have all the right intentions but if it doesn't come across that way to the other person receiving it...it shouldn't even go there.

sdmsanjose · Feb 4, 2015

By Fossa
Now My hubby is the kind of guy who calls every woman 'honey' or 'baby'. He has just been 'that way' and supposedly doesn't mean anything by it. He says it is a cultural thing because he has lived in the south.

I have been called honey and hon by several waitresses in the resturants and they said that right in front of my wife. We do not live in the south (live in the Southwest) but it happens from time to time. My wife does not get upset and neither do I. Neither one of us put any importance to that. However, if a man waitress called my wife honey; well that would not set well with me. Double standard? Maybe but that is the way I see it. It seems to me that it is more acceptable for a woman to call a man honey-Hon than it is for a man to call a woman those names. Itd seems to me that some woman use an affection term more as a way of communicating in a pleasant way without much more meaning than pleasant but that a man uses those terms in more than just a way to be pleasant!

To respond to Fossas situation I think the very first post nailed it. bethrow said

By bethrow
He needs to stop if it feels disrespectful to you.

Fossas husband sticking to this Southern ways is not as important as his wifes feelings. Fossas husbands arguments are very weak compared to what bethrow said above.

Fossas husband seems to not be persuaded by Fossas points so maybe Fossa should start calling some men honey and baby? Wonder if that would get Fosa's husband to see his wife's point more clearly and respect her feeling more?

look4hope · Feb 4, 2015

If you know his true intentions behind those pet names to women, then it should help you How to judge the situation. I personally would absolutly get hurt and feel disrespected if my husband decided to do that, specially if it's done right in front of me.

Hope your husband takes your feelings into consideration.

Tropical Wilds · Feb 6, 2015

When a guy calls me "hon," "sweetie," "dear," or "darling," here is my thought process:

Is he gay?
If yes, (fair to say or not), not offended. Most gay guys I know use these terms to refer to women. Doesn't bother me.

If no, my "icky" alarm goes off, I assume he's bad with boundaries, skeevy, and kind of gross, or he's trying to be condescending. Then I assume the above, along with thinking he's a jerk.

When a guy calls me "babe" or "baby:"

Don't care if you're gay, straight, old, young, or in between... You're a skeeve. There is almost no context in where you can refer to a woman you're not dating, especially a stranger, as "baby" or "babe" and have it be OK.

The only time I've been called "baby" was by a bartender who said "hey baby, what can I get you?" and I said "a new bartender."

Even being a northerner, born and raised, when I go to the south, I don't ever get called "babe" or "baby" by strange men. Occasional "sweetie" or "darlings," sure. But not babe.

Fossa · Feb 12, 2015

Well, my husband and I had a talk about this and he just got all mad and defensive and kept saying how he's done with having this same discussion and that there's nothing to what he means when saying 'honey' to other women. So I asked why he needs to do it at all, and he mentioned its not intentional but it's because he lived in the south and this is "who I am" and "I'm not gonna change." He says also "I'm tired of this same talk." He pretty much just walked out though he was going to go anyway, before we had the talk, and now I'm alone at the house. I feel like crying right now wishing it could help.

bethrow · Feb 18, 2015

Fossa said:
Well, my husband and I had a talk about this and he just got all mad and defensive and kept saying how he's done with having this same discussion and that there's nothing to what he means when saying 'honey' to other women. So I asked why he needs to do it at all, and he mentioned its not intentional but it's because he lived in the south and this is "who I am" and "I'm not gonna change." He says also "I'm tired of this same talk." He pretty much just walked out though he was going to go anyway, before we had the talk, and now I'm alone at the house. I feel like crying right now wishing it could help.

That is NOT the way it is in the SOUTH. Not everyone does that. He looks like a fool calling other women honey in Montana. Women don't like it. He's just being stubborn. I'd drop it and let him continue because someone will eventually say something. I would be embarrassed if my husband did that.

Willtor · Feb 18, 2015

bethrow said:
That is NOT the way it is in the SOUTH. Not everyone does that. He looks like a fool calling other women honey in Montana. Women don't like it. He's just being stubborn. I'd drop it and let him continue because someone will eventually say something. I would be embarrassed if my husband did that.

My wife said that certain people called her "honey" or "sweetheart" when she was living in the south. Not everybody, but it's definitely there. That doesn't justify it, of course. It's still humiliating for everyone involved (in the south or otherwise).

Fossa, I don't know what advice to give, but I'll pray for you. You know that he could stop if he wanted to. I assume he didn't do it while you were dating, so he clearly thought it was a barrier to your relationship, then. Maybe bring it to a councilor or your pastor or somebody.

Messy · Feb 18, 2015

Fossa said:
Well, my husband and I had a talk about this and he just got all mad and defensive and kept saying how he's done with having this same discussion and that there's nothing to what he means when saying 'honey' to other women. So I asked why he needs to do it at all, and he mentioned its not intentional but it's because he lived in the south and this is "who I am" and "I'm not gonna change." He says also "I'm tired of this same talk." He pretty much just walked out though he was going to go anyway, before we had the talk, and now I'm alone at the house. I feel like crying right now wishing it could help.

Don't mention it anymore and do the same. Start calling men honey and sweety and give them a (only do that with someone you know who doesn't care, lol) My ex flirted with a girl when we were dating and it made me so angry, not really flirting, he thought God said he should marry her and I shouldn't make such a fudge about it and I was this and that, there was nothing the matter when he talked to her. My brother had a friend who liked me, he liked a lot of girls, so we went out with the 4 of us and I started flirting with him, very Obvious, laughing really hard, oooh you're so funny!!! really childish, but it did work. He got so upset about it, I said: hey you go to your woman and marry her, what the heck do I care? Then he was willing to speak it out and stop it.

tenderheart1 · Mar 6, 2015

My husband does this too. It bothered me when we first started dating. I spoke to him about it because I too saw women take it the wrong way. He did decrease it out of respect for me, but I also had to look at the bigger picture. My husband is the type of man who is kind to EVERYONE and he never meets a stranger. But I KNOW he loves ME and he would never do anything to cause harm to our marriage. I have to trust that if a woman misinterprets his kindness, he will set her straight. I trust my husband 100%. Therefore, it no longer bothers me. I hope this helps.

lisah · Mar 7, 2015

Fossa said:
Well, my husband and I had a talk about this and he just got all mad and defensive and kept saying how he's done with having this same discussion and that there's nothing to what he means when saying 'honey' to other women. So I asked why he needs to do it at all, and he mentioned its not intentional but it's because he lived in the south and this is "who I am" and "I'm not gonna change." He says also "I'm tired of this same talk." He pretty much just walked out though he was going to go anyway, before we had the talk, and now I'm alone at the house. I feel like crying right now wishing it could help.

It sounds like you need to let it go. Don't mention it again and don't start doing it yourself. Some day he is going to say that to someone who will correct him.

We have some men and women where I work who call other women sweetie or honey. Although it is frowned upon, most people let it go. (Except for female management, that doesn't fly!)

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