is it right...

What is wrong with posting a thread like this? It's a good question. Where else should the op go to find this answer?

My only issue is you will only ever hear one side of a story here, and people are quick to jump on the other person. There are times where I think it crosses the line, and times when I think it's just bad, but it's also good in that it should give hope to people.

Ummmm, I'm one that has complained a lot. The beauty of it is is that I don't know anyone here, because I find that people I do know just don't approve, and I don't feel like i can always go to them. So I'm greatful for this place, after all, it is labled "marriage ministry"- and like I said, I'm glad for that. It doesn't say "fellowship for married couples, and by the way- no spouse bashing" and if it did say that- what good would it do us married christians who do stuggle? The alternative is going to a member of the opposite sex to confide in?? It's so easy for someone to say "I would do this.... and I would do that...." especially when they haven't been in your shoes. I remember how idealistic I was before I got married, before I had kids...... and I swore up and down I wouldn't commit adultery or bash my hubby, or ever get a divorce..... Be careful what kind of swears you make! And be careful being judgemental to others when you haven't been in their shoes- this isn't a spiteful statement, I'm not angry in the least- it's just something I tell people sometimes, because I myself have found myself idealistic and judgemental, and now I'm in the same shoes as some of those I judged, and it's not as easy to be ideal as I thought. Hope this is helpful. God Bless, and congratulations!! Maybe you can peek in here to find out what you should and shouldn't do.... so you don't end up in the same predicament.

JillLars said:

Sometimes problems in marriage are deeply personal, and many people (friends, or other churchgoers) aren't willing to talk about their own experiences with those problems. Talking to people in real life can also lead to gossip. Finding advice from a Christian perspective on a website is a safe way to gain insight into a problem (IMO), yes, you could paint your s/o as a total monster, but most people on this forum are intelligent enough to realize that there are 2 sides to every story and offer advice on what you could do to help fix the problem. Perhaps seeking advice on this forum is not for you, and perhaps you have a wonderful support system at home, but not everyone has that. I agree that talking to others on this forum should never take the place of talking to one's spouse (if you read advice threads this is usually immediately suggested.) Some people come here looking for justification, and there isn't anything we can do to stop them, but it isn't fair to assume everyone is doing that. There are many people who are just at a loss and need help from Christians on this board.

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ANd believe it or not not everyone can talk to their spouses I would love it if I could resolve issues by talking to my spouse, but I can't though I have diligently tried- as a matter of fact that is what makes me so unhappy most the time- and I so badly want to talk about things.... Like I said, life isn't always ideal, especially when you are dealing with real live human beings.

tigerboy said:

wow. i'm astounded by some of these answers. what we are basically saying is, the church is SO dysfunctional that we cannot seek answers or help there, so we have to come here under cover of anonymity (isn't there something about 'into the light?...").
we come from churches where even and ELDER would probably be too uncomfortable to confess a problem to someone who was in spiritual authority over him. i guess this forum is more a refuge from the real problem which seems to be...we can't trust anyone enough to be vulnerable before them in our weakness.

this all sounds very pious, doesn't it? so let me just say, honesty about difficulties is something i struggle with as much as the next person. it isn't easy to confess things to those around us. nobody wants their 'spirituality' to take a dent. all i'm saying is, wouldn't it be great if we COULD do that? isn't that the kind of community Jesus wants from us? despite my weaknesses and, well, let me be honest, pride, i kind of long for that relationship with real people who are all able to pick each other up and pray for each other and encourage each other in even the most difficult times of life, as well as in the brilliant times of life. isn't that being the Body? it sounds good to me.

it's good that people can find comfort here and have friends they can talk to. i certainly am not intending to bash anyone, nor should we get caught up in my 'spouse bashing' comment. that really isn't the central issue of my thoughts. thank you everyone for voicing what you think. i hope that we can all increase in our commitment to our spouses and our desires to be Godly husbands and wives!

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Tigerboy, your post seems very judgmental, and is somewhat sterotypical.... you don't understand what everyone here is faced with or goes through. And nobody appreciates being judged, falsly, by someone who asks a question, but yet isn't really that open to the answers, but instead wants everyone to agree with them. I think that if you really are such a great christian, which apparently you aren't, you wouldn't be in here pointing fingers of condemnation about something you clearly don't understand, and you wouldn't be so proud to think that you really do have it all figured out. For one thing, you are just flat out wrong.... but there is no getting that through to you because you apparently already have your mind made up, all else left is getting mean and hateful, which is very possible with you coming here throwing stones at everyone. You cannot come here and change things... saying "it should be this way and that way...." If it's christians like you who think they have it all figured out that I'd be faced with going to then no way would I ever do so... First of all, I feel much more comfortable going to people who actually struggle themselves than the perfect ones... My point is though is that if your motive is to come in here and judge and preach to us hurting people that come here annonymously.... then go elsewhere, because you aren't going to solve the "problem"..... you are only going to upset the hearers with your accusing words. So please, I don't need anymore of your judgement, especially being how you don't know what in the world you are talking about- after all, you have the ideal relationship.... and now we all know what "YOu" will do if the going gets tough.. therefore "you" will always be perfect and in right standing... And "you" will get a brownie pin- while we weee sinners, spouse bashers will surely get a slap on the hand since we didn't do it the way "you" knew was best.

tigerboy said:

...to post complaints about spouses on this forum?

i'm interested. i'm going to be married soon, but i don't think i would ever DREAM of posting complaints or asking advice on this forum. i mean, God bless you all, but i don't really know you. If I had a problem in my marriage i would talk to, say...my PASTOR, or, better yet, my SPOUSE.

is it easier to just admit your problems on a page where you are practically anonymous? is it that, if we ask for a multitude of opinions, that we will eventually receive advice that justifies the way we feel?

there really isn't any accountability on here, is there? i mean, i can say whatever i want about my fiance, and she can't do anything about it, because she doesn't post here. so, if i really wanted to, i could paint her as a complete monster. you'd never know the difference, because on an online forum, there isn't any accountability.

all i'm saying is, if you are really struggling in your marriage, this probably isn't the ideal place to get it sorted out.

thoughts?


P.S. my fiance isn't a monster. she's great!

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Bringing a third party into a marriage situation is always risky. Even if it is a pastor or friend. the benefit on this forum is you hopefully get several opinions to think about and not just one. It is also a way to get advice and not feel like there is now some yukky connection like there would be if I went to someone more personal.

In my experience , in-laws, parents, pastors, friends, even counselors bring into the situation their own issues. Sometimes a person just needs some advice or a sounding board and not full fledged counseling. This is hard to come by in the real world since once the subject is broached, people seem to want to interfere.

Sorry, that was somewhat harsh, and I didn't read the post very well that you posted, I'm obviously out of line.

It's just too bad that christians can be so judgemental when they are doing well. With pride comes a fall- hopefully not, even I myself does that..... when i'm doing good and it's all clear to me, I'm quick to tell the hurting what they should and shouldn't be doing. Too bad we can't all be more like Jesus...full of mercy, compassion, and love. ONe that has suffered as we have, so therefore we can go "boldly" to his thrown of grace with our problems. Sigh, too bad, sometimes I'd rather be friends with heathens, because atleast they wouldn't be inclined to judge and therefore hurt me, and think they know how I ought to live my life. Been hurt recently by such a group that I felt I could trust, that I thought were my friends. Found out they were gossiping about me behind my back, about how sinful something I did was (which I never even did, just a truth that got twisted into a lie in the rumor mill)- what's iron is that the person that told me they were doing this said they were appauled by this because these ppl were having a big biblical discussion, then started gossiping..... ironic and hypocritical indeed! And I would never go to them again with a problem, it is unfortunate that we don't feel comfortable enough to share our weaknesses with others that they may pray for us and offer us godly guidance. I can't even go to my own best friend about my marriage problems at times, because her marriage is good, and she is judgemental at times, or has been anyways, and she sometimes just blows it off as "well, I have that problem to sometimes, my marriage isn't always perfect". When the truth is she really doesn't go through what i'm going through, and really does not understand, or care. Yet, if I were to start the process of divorce, oooh, would she be there judging, getting involved, telling me what I ought and ought not be doing. NOt there when I need someone to confide in or care about the gravity of my situation, yet telling me I should stay in it.....

If that's what being accountable is about- I will have none of it! You have no idea how alone I feel sometimes, thank God I do have God- although the "christians" would turn their backs in judgement, it's god's compassion and understanding that actually eventually leads me to repentance, not the rudeness of my friends. Sigh- heck no, would I not go to my pastor about such a thing, don't want that in the back of my mind, feeling judged, while trying to worship... I would feel so uncomfortable that I wouldn't want to go there anymore, and as of right now, I like my church.

First, may I say, talk to me after 10 or 15 years of marriage. Say when you are 40 or so. I think many things will be clearer for you, or maybe I should say you'll see the cloudyness more clearly. ( Is cloudyness a word? Well it is now! )

Second, professional counseling is expensive and it's hard to find someone you can work well with.

Third, the church... My wife, children, in-laws and myself all went to the same church. No, it was not comfortable trying to talk to the pastor about my "issues" because I love my family and didn't want to speak badly of them to someone I looked up to and respected. So you hedge and speak carefully about things and the person you are seeking help from can't give you good feedback because you can't really open up. After my separation I was attending a support group at a church lead by a very helpful woman in the midst of her own separation. The pastor decided she was inappropriate to lead. He replaced her with a couple who were clueless, although they were on their second marriages. I know they meant well, but they and the pastor ruined the relationships of the people in the group. Most people left within a month or two after the new leaders arrived. I think people who are divorced/ separated are shunned by the church to a degree because we represent failure of the church to help, failure to the community of the church, and well you know, there just must be something wrong with me because I couldn't even keep my marriage together. No, this isn't the way it is supposed to be, but Christians are just people. People whose sins have been forgiven, but still just people. The people who have reached out to me the most were from a secular support group. If I wanted company on the weekend I know were to go. They organized dances, drinks, movies, and parties. "You're fresh meat" as my sister pointed out. They were nice people by the way.

Last- I'm so glad for all you folks who have wonderful significant others/ spouses. I really am. It gives me hope that there are nice people out there. I was unfortunately married to a controlling, manipulative person who didn't want me talking to my closest friends about our problems, or much else either! I lost them all over the years leaving me with no one. I didn't want my spouse to be uncomfortable, and we love each other right? My problem is that I'd rather give in than fight. I'd rather be quiet than argue. I'd rather choke on my own bile than tussle to get my own way. THAT is my sin and problem. Hating confrontation and wanting to fix everything. The quick and dirty fix. It leads to drifting apart and isolation for both parties. Admiting it doesn't make me feel any better either.

BTW- a few years ago my spouse discovered the internet, discussed our sex life, as well as, other intimate issues, hooked up with a divorced guy there, and now I'm out of the picture. Yes, the internet and forums can be used for good or bad. Just like most things in life.