Hi Parcmd,
Is this a symptom of OCD that there is that intrusive belief that the HS is the ENemy?
Yes it's a pretty typical OCD thought. It's the OCD posing the question of "what if it's not just an OCD intrusive thought at play here, but what if it's really me starting to believe the thought?"
A question to ask yourself in order to determine if this is an OCD spike or an "legitmate/important thought" as recommended by Dr. Stephen Phillipson is"
"Did the thought or question come with an associated anxiety, feeling of urgency or feelings of guilt? If yes than it is wise to place such thoughts into the realm of OCD."
I mean I cognitively know that it isnt true
Yes and this is true of all sorts of OCD thoughts. The rational brain says, "this isn't true", but the instinctive emotional brain which is misfiring will send you wrong signals that will cause you to "feel" that the question is urgent and must be solved or pushed away. This is why Dr. Phillipson states that, "you can't outlogic OCD".
and I even hated myself why I had that belief.
This is why the thoughts are referred to as "intrusive".
We don't want to have them in our heads. They repulse us.
I tried to shake it off but I couldn't... Is OCD just thoughts or even beliefs?
This is because with OCD the harder we try to, "shake it off" the more stuck in it we get and the more stuck we get the greater our perception of danger. I call this the quicksand effect.
THen during that times, I still had blasphemous thoughts like equating the HS to the Enemy, which I absolutely hated and feared. I also had thoughts that were kinda similar to that of the Pharisees in the Bible.
When the OCD machine gets going it can be compared to a kind of mental avalanche of spikes which gather more and more doubt filled possibilities as they roll along. This in turn causes the original spike to seem even larger and the bigger the snowball is the faster and more furiously it rolls down hill and at this point it's really hard to stop it's momentum.
Sorry, I have to ask,
You really don't "have to ask" it only feels like you have to ask because the urge to ruminate,about it is so intense. (This is the compulsive activity of the pure "O" sufferer.) But you still really do have a choice. You can either give this question attention by rumination and thereby feed the OCD machine or you can ignore it, give it the stamp of invalid and ride out the anxiety that ignoring it causes.
but isn't this the Unpardonable, or rather, the Eternal Sin??? Or no?
Here is the evidence that this is OCD. Looking for reassurance, checking and checking over and over, as MarcB put it so perfectly, "to make sure that your faith is locked." And I'm quite certain that you already know the answer to that question.
If I offer you some sort of condescending reassurance then I will be giving your question validity which only reinforces the OCD. I will also be implying, by anwering your question, that you are Biblically illiterate, which obviously you are not. So I won't do that.
If I was you and I decided to treat this question with exposure/response here is what I would do.
Q. "Isn't this the unpardonable, or rather, the Eternal Sin???"
Response #1.
"This question isn't important. It is only an OCD spike. It only feels important because my amygdala is overstimulated to the point that I am experiencing a misfiring which is giving me a false signal of imminent danger. Therefore I'm going to ignore it, even though I can't get it out of my head. It's OK that it's there and I'll just let it be there without paying any attention to it for just as long as it takes for my brain to get used to it's presence.
Response #2 Flooding - (this is the harder one and I only do it when I'm feeling much calmer and can choose to take a bring it on attitude about the question. This puts me in the drivers seat rather than the OCD)
I use a Sarcastic tone in my head ....
"Yes, you are probably quite right, Mitzi. Now you've done it for good. You're really sunk now -on your way to hell to live with all those other enemies of Christ. You might as well join a satanic cult right now so you can get used to being around God's enemies since you'll be spending all of eternity with them. Oh well.. what else can you do."
This response greatly exaggerates the spike to the point of absurdity, it mocks it and treats it like so much nonsense. To me it's like inviting a ghost into your house to sit down and have some tea. The ghost would be greatly disappointed that it couldn't frighten you. This teaches the brain that the question or spike isn't important enough to be afraid of.
Now all of this advice is only about what has and is working for me. I also use medications to assist me in this therapy. Not so much that all of the anxiety is wiped out but just enough to take the edge off it. I am not recommending that you don't seek professional help for your OCD.
All of this advice is much easier said than done. OCD doesn't go away overnight in the same way that Rome didn't fall in a day. The improvement can only be viewed over the long haul. One step forward and two back is what we should expect. So we have to learn to accept bad days and not beat ourselves up about them but just keep pressing on in our therapy.
I'm praying for you Parcmd.
Mitzi