Infidelity?

MERCY@GRACE · Jan 17, 2005

I posted this on the womens forum, but thought it would be more interesting to hear from both men and women on this issue!

This may be a hypothetical question to soem of you, and to some it may not.

If you were having a good relationship w/ your dh and he had cheated( a one night stand, not an emotional affair) on you once, maybe even twice over say a 15-20 yr marriage would you want to know? Or would you rather be kept in the dark about it? Why or why not?

MERCY@GRACE · Jan 17, 2005

For me, I have mixed feelings about this. In one sense I'd want to know so I could look for any potential future warning signs,and maybe take more inventory of myself. On the other hand I WOULDN'T want to know, b/c affairs are not something that you can just get out of your head,you can forgive-but never forget. I would prbly always be suspicious if he were out late,every day he was slightly not "himself" I'd wonder, and so on!

My dh is in a field where he doesn't work w/ women,so I worry less than if the genders were divided. Doesn't mean it can't happen, but less likely. Also would the measure of hurt depend on whether it was an emotional affair as well (over a period of time) or just a fling....moment of weakness, but no emotional attatchment?

Saint2be27 · Jan 17, 2005

Hmm, for me...anything he did before he commited to me (while dating) is in the past but anything after that point I need to know about. The truth has a way of coming out.

As far as an emotional affair vs. a one night stand...thats a tough one. I think the emotional affair would be harder to deal with. A one night stand is impulsive (usually) and an emotional affair is something much deeper. Hopefully we will never have to find out!

Yitzchak · Jan 17, 2005

I would definitely want to know. I think besides the fact that it would be a betrayal against me. It is also just a huge area and issue in a person's life. It is hard for me to imagine having a good and intimate relationship with those kind of huge toxic secrets.

lonelypilgrim · Jan 19, 2005

Once you are married, your body is not your own. 1 Cor. 7:4 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. I do understand that one can fall victom to temptation.
I do not believe I would want to know. I would want my husband to confess this to God and make his peace. I'm afraid if I knew, I would have a hard time trusting him ever again and no matter how sincere he was in asking forgiveness, I don't think I could ever forget this trespass.
This is a hard question. I'm sure for each individual the answer would be difficult. I also hope and pray that I nor any of you ever find ourselves in the position of having to find out the hard way.

ptgd1st · Jan 20, 2005

Infidelity is infidelity. And infidelity is wrong. Emotional attachment or not. An important aspect in relationships is trust. If i am bing lied to on something as important as this, then what else is my spouse holding back.

I personally would want to know. If that person truly loved me then they would not have done these things in the first place. Love is not just a feeling it is a committment and sacrifice. And it goes two ways.

Svt4Him · Jan 20, 2005

I would want to know, and there are a few reasons for it. An affair doesn't just happen, not for a guy or a girl. An affair, and sex, affects the body soul and spirit, and there are ramifications to bringing someone else into your bed. Not only that, but when one has an affair, they have broken the marriage, and they give their spouse the option to leave. By not telling, they take that option away from them and make the decision themselves, and that is selfish.

If it's because you can't forgive, I will tell you that if you submit to God, He can do a work through it and you. But if you can never forget, this is why one is allowed to divorce their spouse for this reason.

Leanna · Jan 20, 2005

I would want to know. If I found out another way, he might experience hell on earth. Oh wait.... I'm supposed to be better than that...............

IslandBreeze · Jan 20, 2005

I would want to know ASAP. So I could get checked for STDs and be about my business filing for divorce. I watched my father cheat on my mother for 19 years. Infidelity is completely unacceptable to me--under any circumstances.

LegacyOfLove · Jan 20, 2005

I would want to know, definately. Been there, done than with my ex-husband and all I can say is NEVER again. I would hate to think that I'd been committed and faithful to my husband and assumed that our marriage was a two-way committment that we were celebrating our years together...only to find out that it was all a lie, because that person had cheated. It's just me, but that is how I feel...and I feel quite strongly about it.

heartnsoul · Jan 20, 2005

For me, definitely I would want to know if there were any infidelities. Cheating is unacceptable in a marriage because it violates the "trust" in the relationship. Trust is the foundation of any relationship and honesty goes hand in hand with that.

Conqueror12 · Jan 23, 2005

Not hypothetical for me, and my husband still hasn't confessed all. Whether we will ever have an intimate relationship, I don't know, but I do know that there is no way it can happen as long as he continues to withhold information about the defiling of the marriage bed. But the choice of disclosure is his, not mine.

What I focus on is that nothing can be done in secret because YHWH knows all of it and is keeping a record, and He has promised to be my rear guard, and He has promised to repay, so I can rest in Him, knowing that He has it all covered. I try to keep my eyes on Yahshua as my true husband.

As far as emotional involvement versus one-night stand, both are betrayal and treachery. Those who have experienced the sex-only type will tell you how awful it is to discover that they and their marriage mattered so little as to be tossed aside for a moment of physical pleasure, and those who have experienced the extreme "soul-mate" type will tell you how awful it is to be so rejected and unloved and the torture of their spouse being so emotionally invested in another.

The best thing we all can do when we speculate or reflect on this subject is to remember that everything we are feeling when we imagine or remember how it feels to be a betrayed spouse is exactly what YHWH feels whenever we play the harlot in our relationship with Him.

isaiah5213 · Jan 23, 2005

Svt4Him said:
I would want to know, and there are a few reasons for it. An affair doesn't just happen, not for a guy or a girl. An affair, and sex, affects the body soul and spirit, and there are ramifications to bringing someone else into your bed. Not only that, but when one has an affair, they have broken the marriage, and they give their spouse the option to leave. By not telling, they take that option away from them and make the decision themselves, and that is selfish.

If it's because you can't forgive, I will tell you that if you submit to God, He can do a work through it and you. But if you can never forget, this is why one is allowed to divorce their spouse for this reason.

you know... not only is not telling your spouse selfish.. the one night stand, the intimate relationship in the first place, is selfish in itself!! the whole thing stinks!!!

i am so grateful for the responses i have seen on this forum, (marriage ministry) i must tell you, the reactions of many of the women really scared me on the women's discussion.. most of the replies were "i don't wanna know"...
and i was a woman who hugely, in my mind, i think and react "i better know from your lips before i find out from someone else..." and biggest of all "i want to know! at all times, i want the truth to be revealed!" ... i am starting to rant and rave.. i am trying to calm down from my reaction to a previous post...sorry.

Evie · Jan 24, 2005

LegacyOfLove said:
I would want to know, definately. Been there, done than with my ex-husband and all I can say is NEVER again. I would hate to think that I'd been committed and faithful to my husband and assumed that our marriage was a two-way committment that we were celebrating our years together...only to find out that it was all a lie, because that person had cheated. It's just me, but that is how I feel...and I feel quite strongly about it.

mmhhhmmm,been there done that also. It's hurts terrible....

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