Imagination...?

So, I have a habit of handing out pocket sized testaments of John, and one day, I saw a (homeless) man, went up to him, introduced myself, and, in the midst of the conversation, he said he couldn't be around to many people cause he was a paranoid scitzophrenic, and I said, "Well I am too, hi, brother" He said he couldn't go to the mission cause he can't be around too many people, then he said, "their conversations... when they start talking..." And I finished his sentence, you think their talking or that it's about you, right?" And he said "yes" and I said for me my reaction is fear and anxiety, but for some it can be anger, frustration, but anyways, besides that we paranoid scitzophrenics hear voices too, and I get scared, and can't be around people...

Sometimes Scitzophrenics have problems with Radio, television, and noise in general when it get's really bad. Anyways we feel "locked-in" to the characters portrayed in the stories and we feel that we either literally are, or are like this character portrayed. I used to be able to watch movies, but I was unaware that, in my youth, I was associating with the hero, or the good guys in the stories, I didn't realize I was drawing my identity from them, but I was and I was thouroughly entertained, but then a voice made me realize my limitations and that I started to say "I am not like that hero, or even a "good guy", I am not made of the same stuff they are, but it began to feel accusatory like, "You are like the character in this story, and a force would lock me into that character, and said "You are like this" and I would argue, "No, I am not" about the good guys, then they forced me to sit in the bad guys seat, and saying "fine, you are like this then" and the times that I had to play the bad guy were dark, and scary.

We are born, or we are taught from our youth, that we can be the hero, that we can be spider-man, or bat-man, and when kids watch videos and listen to music they are relating to it thinking they can be them, or that they can be anything they choose to be, but at some age we outgrow this boyish belief that we can be great, the instinct driven by ego, it true, anyways, the instinct that we can be great, that we can be "more than what we are" and so from childhood on, we do so. This instinct, this pull for me that feels almost like force to be forced into relating fictional characters to me and my life, and most importantly "WHO I AM" I have been forced to sit in many seats, tried on many suits and hats, and none of them fit me, I'm tired of getting sucked in by the media or other peoples conversations, into believing a lie, I want to know WHO I AM, independently from some fantasy characters in a fictional story, I am NOT THEM, So, who am I? I tired of searching in all the wrong places, like the media...

I know it sounds kind of narcassistic, and it is, but the instinct, the pull to get sucked into a charachter in a show, is stronger than the sex drive, for me, It's been a difficult fight... Also, these things become "Idols" we are brought up with them, and sometimes we still idolize the things hollywood produces, theri identity gets wrapped up in them, and I don't want to be identified that way.

Comments?

God Bless!

ToBeLoved said:

I'm finding it hard to really know what to say to you.

The first thing is that you must realize that you are the one who defines who you are. Movie and television scripts and scenarios are written by people from their own imaginations, not for a specific person. To allow yourself to be categorized or to put yourself into these types of scenarios and then think that they are 'you' is not being fair or just to yourself. You were created by God to be who you really are, not a character from someone's imagination.

When you think about yourself can you identify your own personal strengths and weaknesses? What are your moral beliefs and values (this is rhetorical and not meant for you to necessarily answer here, but for you to think about in your own mind)? What are the most important things in your life? What are the things that you love to do?

The most important way to become who you are is to know yourself. The more that you understand your own likes and dislikes, what is important to you and what you value morally, a picture will soon form. I think this would be an excellent start.

Click to expand...

I know I need to find my identity and define myself separate from movies and television, but like I said, with my disorder you get "sucked-in" whether you like it or not, before my disorder I could enjoy movies and television, but with my disorder, I began to fight with myself saying "I am not (this person or that thing)" and I do not like movies and television anymore, they trigger my symptoms of my disorder...

But are we to lose this boyhood fantasy that we can be the hero, or are we to keep it, and apply it to becoming more like Jesus, believing that we can be more than what we are, believing and identifying with Jesus Christ and other characters in the Bible?

God Bless!