How does one figure out what is right and wrong if he has grown with and seen the benefits of standing outside of societies norms?
I am a 20 year old, and I went into business on my own, sort of forced into it because of my gambling habits and my fear of debt that I have now obtained, and I did well in business, but I kept running into moral walls, and I kept getting stuck because my morals were not strong enough to help me make a strong decision.
So I continued, decided to go into the army, for some reason I thought Id learn the discipline I needed there, and I kept running into morals. I wouldnt lie, and you need to lie with my background to get into the military. And its very frustrating, especially when you have lost almost everything because of your curropt morals.
I now find myself at home with a mother (she gave birth to me at 16 and brought me over to America), I dropped out of college because I was lost there too. And my mom has raised me with a mix set of morals, and has passionatly raised me and I have too much passion in me at times.
I was morally correct and walked away from a company that was in my eyes a dirty company, and I met a beautiful in exchange, and I see she is struggling too. When I met this girl, my life fell apart because I kept looking into her for the answer. She made so much sense to me, and the way I felt when I met her was like I discovered god. I later read abotu some of the expriences that happens in Zen while I was reading Zen and the Art of Archery and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maitnance (this is about metaphysics). Both of these describe how I became crazy and actually insane in my eyes during this rough time of suffering, a time where I lost any sense of diginity I had, but I feel like I gained more, but cant seem to function anymore. I feel lost but I feel like I've discovered religion, and to which religion I still am impartial, but I understand the concept of a god, whether its buddah or someone elses, and I am lost.
I feel like I am a leader, I have desires to lead, and to what I can account this desire may be ego, but I dont know, I feel at the basis of my desire is to ehlp people. I wanted to become a billionaire because I saw that I could make a change, and at the same time be lazy.
The army recruiter keeps calling me and insiting that I lie, yet I do not have the strength to tell him I dont want to lie anymore, yet I also know I will not go into the army. I want the strength to know I am making the right decision to not fight for my country. Is it wrong to want to be president one day? I have this desire. I want to make a change in the way our society thinks, yet I do not feel strong about any way of thinking anymore inside myself.
I want this girl, I had to stop talking to her because she was hurting me because I so clrealy saw the fear in her of me, like I said I went crazy because of the pain and suffering. She promised me that she would come back one day, and I believe her. I only met her 3 times, yet I still email her with what I figure out in life all the time, I know she reads my emails, I even see her away message get upset when I have fear in me and say things I dont like (for example: "I dont see you and me on the same level").
She promised me she would come back, yet I am fearful of loving her because I do fear she is going to hurt me, but at the same time, I am allowed to email her so I can tell her how I feel and help her grow as a person as I do. Is this wrong? I am scared because of morals, I promised this girl I would come back to her, because when I went crazy, which I really believe I met buddah (my knowledge of this concept is very small so feel correct me if I am wrong), I was so sure this girl would be my wife, and I really believe that, its almost as I am learning to be less fearful through how I feel about her.
The other option is just leave her, and go find love elsewhere, but I believe in my love for her and I believe she loves me yet she never told (although she did tell me she was going to tell me soon). What should I do? I am stuck, at one end I feel like I should become an activist to help make a difference, but then on the other end I feel like I should go into business, and use my control of power to make a difference because I beleive I would eventually become more morally correct, or I could go into the military and gain power there and try to become more morally correct.
My main concern is dealing with my flawed morals, how would I do this? Should I not leave this girl? I am suppose to accept her if she sleeps with other guys and I dont sleep with other girls because my love for her? I am very scared of her because I know she can hurt me really bad and I dont want my flawed morals to come into place.
The last girl I was dating got so upset because I owed her $180, and I really was having a hard time with money, and she wasnt being understanding of this (this is after we broke up), yet the whole time we were dating she promised me to always love me. Mix this pain of her antagnozing me, having people threaten to beat me with a bat because of money, not sleeping or showering correctly because of the demands of my boss at my former job, quitting my job, having a girl who I was so in love with and I wasnt sure if she cared about me or thought I was crazy or if she even understood me, having mom calling me and cursing me out and telling me how bad of a son I was, all bill collectors, and me not knowing how to proceed, this my condition.
In this condition, I was so extremely upset of how she woudlnt even talk to me because of the $180 although she knew I was suffering. I really believe that she just couldnt handle the fact that I was suffering now, but at that time, she said it was the money that made her not talk to me. So I just broke and went crazy (not in the way where things were beautiful, in a very dangerous and vicious way in my eyes) and I lost an understanding of what is right and wrong.
I truly believe that what seemed evil to people was just good masked with evil and what seemed good was evil masked with good, so I understood that if I was evil, I was really being good to people, so I gave her a rose with good and evil writtin all over the leaves, with questions like "is war evil?" and the words KILL in big letters, very scary stuff to me that I cried alot over after I woke up. What scares me is that it all made sense to me. I felt like I was doing the right thing. I also wrote a email to my mom talking about how if you beat a dog it listens better and said things like "I love you and I HATE YOU I wish you would die" and stuff like that in the email. I was so angry and no one was listening to me.
I am alright now, and Im scared, because I want to push forward in this world, and I dont want to feel like there is something wrong with me, I just odnt know what to do. I am so scared of myself.
Can I not be a leader now? I got so far.. I had a $450,000 deal that I walked away from because of moral reasons, like I just so confused, I walk away from a great deal and then I suffer more? I at least have an udnerstanding that my morals are what the problem is. Somehow everything got confused.
So what do I do about this girl? I feel so wrong moving away from her, because I feel like she understood me, she has problems too, yet I see her trying like me to get away from them, nothing big, but I know she had a hard time with antidepressents and energy pills and suicidial thoughts...
The thing is, when I pushed, I learned my weaknesses and I learned whats wrong with me, so I need some courage to push again. I am scared of myself though. How should I proceed? I swear I am a good kid, I am just so confused and have suffered alot and do not want to suffer anymore. How Ghandi suffers though?
I am looking more for how to get rid of the moral problems inside myself. That is what I am most concerned abotu, I am so scared of hurting someone, I've hurt enough.
I am a 20 year old, and I went into business on my own, sort of forced into it because of my gambling habits and my fear of debt that I have now obtained, and I did well in business, but I kept running into moral walls, and I kept getting stuck because my morals were not strong enough to help me make a strong decision.
So I continued, decided to go into the army, for some reason I thought Id learn the discipline I needed there, and I kept running into morals. I wouldnt lie, and you need to lie with my background to get into the military. And its very frustrating, especially when you have lost almost everything because of your curropt morals.
I now find myself at home with a mother (she gave birth to me at 16 and brought me over to America), I dropped out of college because I was lost there too. And my mom has raised me with a mix set of morals, and has passionatly raised me and I have too much passion in me at times.
I was morally correct and walked away from a company that was in my eyes a dirty company, and I met a beautiful in exchange, and I see she is struggling too. When I met this girl, my life fell apart because I kept looking into her for the answer. She made so much sense to me, and the way I felt when I met her was like I discovered god. I later read abotu some of the expriences that happens in Zen while I was reading Zen and the Art of Archery and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maitnance (this is about metaphysics). Both of these describe how I became crazy and actually insane in my eyes during this rough time of suffering, a time where I lost any sense of diginity I had, but I feel like I gained more, but cant seem to function anymore. I feel lost but I feel like I've discovered religion, and to which religion I still am impartial, but I understand the concept of a god, whether its buddah or someone elses, and I am lost.
I feel like I am a leader, I have desires to lead, and to what I can account this desire may be ego, but I dont know, I feel at the basis of my desire is to ehlp people. I wanted to become a billionaire because I saw that I could make a change, and at the same time be lazy.
The army recruiter keeps calling me and insiting that I lie, yet I do not have the strength to tell him I dont want to lie anymore, yet I also know I will not go into the army. I want the strength to know I am making the right decision to not fight for my country. Is it wrong to want to be president one day? I have this desire. I want to make a change in the way our society thinks, yet I do not feel strong about any way of thinking anymore inside myself.
I want this girl, I had to stop talking to her because she was hurting me because I so clrealy saw the fear in her of me, like I said I went crazy because of the pain and suffering. She promised me that she would come back one day, and I believe her. I only met her 3 times, yet I still email her with what I figure out in life all the time, I know she reads my emails, I even see her away message get upset when I have fear in me and say things I dont like (for example: "I dont see you and me on the same level").
She promised me she would come back, yet I am fearful of loving her because I do fear she is going to hurt me, but at the same time, I am allowed to email her so I can tell her how I feel and help her grow as a person as I do. Is this wrong? I am scared because of morals, I promised this girl I would come back to her, because when I went crazy, which I really believe I met buddah (my knowledge of this concept is very small so feel correct me if I am wrong), I was so sure this girl would be my wife, and I really believe that, its almost as I am learning to be less fearful through how I feel about her.
The other option is just leave her, and go find love elsewhere, but I believe in my love for her and I believe she loves me yet she never told (although she did tell me she was going to tell me soon). What should I do? I am stuck, at one end I feel like I should become an activist to help make a difference, but then on the other end I feel like I should go into business, and use my control of power to make a difference because I beleive I would eventually become more morally correct, or I could go into the military and gain power there and try to become more morally correct.
My main concern is dealing with my flawed morals, how would I do this? Should I not leave this girl? I am suppose to accept her if she sleeps with other guys and I dont sleep with other girls because my love for her? I am very scared of her because I know she can hurt me really bad and I dont want my flawed morals to come into place.
The last girl I was dating got so upset because I owed her $180, and I really was having a hard time with money, and she wasnt being understanding of this (this is after we broke up), yet the whole time we were dating she promised me to always love me. Mix this pain of her antagnozing me, having people threaten to beat me with a bat because of money, not sleeping or showering correctly because of the demands of my boss at my former job, quitting my job, having a girl who I was so in love with and I wasnt sure if she cared about me or thought I was crazy or if she even understood me, having mom calling me and cursing me out and telling me how bad of a son I was, all bill collectors, and me not knowing how to proceed, this my condition.
In this condition, I was so extremely upset of how she woudlnt even talk to me because of the $180 although she knew I was suffering. I really believe that she just couldnt handle the fact that I was suffering now, but at that time, she said it was the money that made her not talk to me. So I just broke and went crazy (not in the way where things were beautiful, in a very dangerous and vicious way in my eyes) and I lost an understanding of what is right and wrong.
I truly believe that what seemed evil to people was just good masked with evil and what seemed good was evil masked with good, so I understood that if I was evil, I was really being good to people, so I gave her a rose with good and evil writtin all over the leaves, with questions like "is war evil?" and the words KILL in big letters, very scary stuff to me that I cried alot over after I woke up. What scares me is that it all made sense to me. I felt like I was doing the right thing. I also wrote a email to my mom talking about how if you beat a dog it listens better and said things like "I love you and I HATE YOU I wish you would die" and stuff like that in the email. I was so angry and no one was listening to me.
I am alright now, and Im scared, because I want to push forward in this world, and I dont want to feel like there is something wrong with me, I just odnt know what to do. I am so scared of myself.
Can I not be a leader now? I got so far.. I had a $450,000 deal that I walked away from because of moral reasons, like I just so confused, I walk away from a great deal and then I suffer more? I at least have an udnerstanding that my morals are what the problem is. Somehow everything got confused.
So what do I do about this girl? I feel so wrong moving away from her, because I feel like she understood me, she has problems too, yet I see her trying like me to get away from them, nothing big, but I know she had a hard time with antidepressents and energy pills and suicidial thoughts...
The thing is, when I pushed, I learned my weaknesses and I learned whats wrong with me, so I need some courage to push again. I am scared of myself though. How should I proceed? I swear I am a good kid, I am just so confused and have suffered alot and do not want to suffer anymore. How Ghandi suffers though?
I am looking more for how to get rid of the moral problems inside myself. That is what I am most concerned abotu, I am so scared of hurting someone, I've hurt enough.