I'm finally facing it...

I've been gone for a while but things have been a bit hectic. I'm back now though. I wish I could jump on here and say how happy I am and how great things are going but sadly I can't. I do have a lot to be happy about though. When I was last on here I was throwing a major pity party. My grandpa had passed away and my grandmother was so close to death herself. Death is something I have had way too much experience with and it still hits me hard. However! I can come here and say that God saved me from a great deal of heartache by healing my grandmother. She was in the hospital for a long time with pnemonia. Shes 82 with poor health and has been close to death more than I have (which is actually saying something) She is still recovering at home. Its a slow process and she'll never be the same but shes still here and I'll be around to take care of her so no worries there.
It has been difficult dealing with all of the arrangements for my grandfather. My family and I were finally able to get my grandfather cremated. As bad as it sounds, I actually learned a lot from his death. I want to elaborate on that more eventually but in a nutshell, while my grandpa was alive I hate him. I truly hated him. He was a horrible man in his younger years. Well basically the first 50 years of his life. He was abusive. I knew the stories and saw the pain he cause. Through my family (which surprises me even more) I learned a powerful lesson about forgiveness. I'll explain in detail later on cuz it ties in to a lot of things that I've been thinking about.

Its late and I really need to get some sleep. The last thing I want to say is it has been 165 days since I've cut myself. For the longest time my goal has been just one more day but now my goal is to make it to day 200 (Feb 17) Oh, and I'm still counting down to my birthday (165 days)

Hope everyone is doing well,
Sarah

Hey, I guess its taken me a bit longer to get back here than I expected. Everytime I seemed to find the time to jump on here, something would pull me away. I've been a lot happier lately but thats also because any chance I get I crash at my best friend Halles house. (my future home) Some nights I just walk in and crash on the couch instead of staying at my house and some nights I have a sleep over with my best friend. I have a lot to keep me busy now because I got more hours at work. I graduated though but I wasn't able to start college so I just have work as a distraction. I have a lot I want to say and I'll try doing that without babbling too much.

Before I mentioned having learned a lot from my grandpa. Like I said, while he was alive I truly did hate him. I know hate is a strong word but it suited my emotions. My family never influenced my feelings towards him. I knew the facts. He abused my grandmother while they were married and all the kids except for my mother. My mom was his baby girl since she really was the baby of the family. He was unfaithful in his marriage to my grandmother and when my grandma divorced him, he ran off. He never came back, never took care of his kids. I know that past has a lot to do with why my mother is the way she is. I remember when I was younger they decided to go looking for him. My grandfather was good at hiding, and didn't ever want to be found. Well we found him and when we went back for another planned visit he had moved and disappeared. Well, as time went on he actually wanted his kids to visit him. I chose to stay behind. It wasn't until he died that I realized just how much he was loved. At first I was angry that people were mourning for his death. I didn't think he deserved any of it. But observing everything, seeing how my family actually came together to help each other through this, I saw that even though he was an awful man, he was still loved. Even if he didn't deserve to be loved he still was. All my aunts and uncles didn't care what had happened in the past. It didn't matter, all that mattered was they loved him and he was gone. I take a little pride in how much I understand love but my grandpas death humbled me. God showed me a lesson not just about forgiveness but love. I have always been able to love and forgive people that have just hurt me. I have been able to forgive my brother and my neighbor for the cruel things they did to me as a child but thats because I know they must have had the same thing happen to them too. I can sympathize and understand why they did what they did and can even be greatful that it happened to me and not some other girl. But what I have never been able to forgive is when someone hurts a person that I love. When the pain is directed at someone besides me. It brings out the true anger in me to watch people I love get hurt. Everything hit me when we were cleaning out my grandpas trailer house. He died in his bathroom and it looked a lot like a crime scene in there. He was sitting on the edge of the bathtub cleaning out a feeding tube that was in his stomach that he had had for at least 10 years. Just a routine cleaning, and when the heart attack hit, he pulled it out. It was not a nice sight. We needed to sell the trailer though for the money so it had to be cleaned. I took on the job because no one else could have done it. I was angry, basically shaking in anger that we had to clean up his "mess" and that he got the easy way out... I was talking to God. Asking him why such a bad man got to be happy, why such an awful man had so many people loving him. I finished the awful job and when I walked out of the bathroom I saw sitting on his bedside table a Bible and everything just crashed into me. All of the sudden it all made sense. It didn't matter if he deserved it. It didn't matter if he was a horrible man. What mattered is he made himself right with God and he did get the forgiveness of all those he hurt. I may not have forgiven him while he was alive but I let go of a lot when he died. I came to terms once again with the words that Johnnz told me. I try to control things that are out of my control. Truth is, I can't really control anything in my life.

I'm really greatful for the support you guys have given me. With both dealing with my past sexual abuse and my self harm. The truth is, every day is still a battle. Every day I want to draw back into my shell and hurt myself agian. I see these awful scars on my arms and legs and hate myself for being weak. I haven't made much progress in the sexual abuse area of my life. I'm getting close to talking about it out loud. I get closer to it every night I spend with my best friend. We talk and talk until we can't stay awake any longer. We comfort each other and sleep well knowing someone we love is laying next to us or is at least close by. I still have a lot of problems sleeping. I've stopped with the sleeping pills so nightmares are back and i'm not getting much sleep at all. Its always easier when I have the nightmares at my best friends house cuz she'll hear me wake up and hold me till I fall back asleep. I also have less nightmares when I'm there and I sleep a lot better. In 143 days I can move into my true home. It helps to think of it in a matter of days. Thinking in weeks or months just seems too far away to me. Its all a matter of perspective I guess. Its been 177 days since I've cut myself. I used to have a collection of knives but when everything was going down I handed them over to my best friend. Shes held on to them for me since then. She plans to give them back to me when I hit day 200 but I'm not really sure if I'm ready to take them back. Its just that I'm not sure if I'm ready to have that temptation back in my life. Lucky for me she can't remember where she hid them lol.

You guys remember a while back how I said a guy friend had came back into my life? Well, there has been a big change in his life and now he's decided to move back to Texas. I'm super excited about seeing him again but I'm worried at where my friendship with him will go. Him and I have said that we will be nothing more than friends but he also speaks to my best friend and from what he tells her, thats not going to be the case when he gets here. He won't be able to move until March but still he's going to be comeing here. I see potential for him and I to one day be a couple but after having talked to you guys before about it. I realized that I'm no where near ready to try to be romantically involved with anyone. There are a few other things that are getting in the way of us ever being a couple but I'm not going to worry about those just yet.

Humm... well I could talk all night long but I gotta go. I'll be back as soon as I can to give more of an update.

Love you all,
Sarah

Day 187.

Last night I almost started back at zero. Yesterday I was looking for a way to pass the time till my best friend got out of school, so I decided to drive to my old hometown which I will call P for the sake of my privacy and safety. The town I live in now I'll call M. I lived in P from the time I was an infant to the time I was 9 years old. I hold a lot of happy memories there. My parents were together and I wasn't so weighed down by life. However, that is where all of my abuse began. P is a small town, only about 10 minutes away from M where I now live. Driving into my old neighboor hood I saw the old school and church parking lots where my first best friend and I would ride bikes and play. I turn into the neighboor hood and see the house that my first best friend once lived and how he taught me how to do a front flip on the trampoline and even saw the very spot where we met each other for the first time. Continuing on a little farther I turn into what used to be my home which still has a for sale sign on it. I parked in the drive way and look to the right back towards the road and remember that I drove my uncles car into a ditch when he let me drive his car while sitting in his lap. I look back at the house and look through the window to see how the inside looks. I was disappointed to see they took out the bookshelf that was an entire wall in the living room. I saw the tiny kitchen and saw that they turned the garage back into a garage instead of it being a bedroom when I lived there. Then I went and peeked through the bedroom windows. Starting at the master bedroom first, I had forgotten just how small that house was. When it came to the window that used to belong to me I looked inside and froze. I threw up on the spot and rushed back to the car. In the past I had come back to the house to see it but never had I gone alone. In a daze I pulled out of the drive way and instead of turning right which would have led me out of the neighborhood, I turned left. I passed one house and then to my left was the house that my neighbor had once lived in. The house he forced me into when no one was home sooo many times. I thought I had nothing left in me to throw up well I was wrong. I had to pull over. The thing is I didn't cry but I was shaking severly. I managed to turn around and immediatly left the neighborhood. On the drive home I was just replaying all the incidents over and over in my head. I kept seeing myself as weak and I was seriously in danger of not just cutting myself but running the car off the road. This is the one thing I can just call someone up and talk about. No one can take away the hurt or the pain. I distracted myself by texting people. I know texting and driving isn't exactly safe but I needed the distraction. Thankfully, when I got back into town my best friend was out of school, so we went to her house and watched movies. When she first saw me she made a comment about me looking pale, which is odd because I'm rather tan. I just shrugged, I hadn't really got my voice back yet. All through the night she kept asking what was wrong and I couldn't tell her. All I managed to say was "nothing" or "just back off". I felt bad for acting like a jerk. Without meaning to I flinched everytime she'd touch me. I could tell she was struggling with how to comfort me since I wouldn't talk. She reached for my hand for the millionth time, and I managed to stay still. Just feeling how much she cared through that simple gesture made me want to break down in tears. I was determined not to cry. Sadly, I couldn't crash at her place that night. I had to come back to my mothers house. Even my guy friend could tell something was up through just my text messages. Although because of a conversation with him earlier in the day him and my best friend both assumed that I was upset because of that argument. I was annoyed and ended up telling them. It was all through text messages though. My best friend Halle told me off when I said I was weak. Then she pointed out that over a year ago I told her everything for the first time. She thinks its a step forward. I don't know what to make of it. I feel like all it did was remind me just how incredibly screwed up and broken I am. It reminded me even more of how I'm never gonna be whole. I'm never going to be able to be truly happy or fall in love or let someone be close to me. I automatically shut people out. Even the ones I trust the most. I don't want to do that anymore but I can't help it. In 133 days (19 weeks) I will be 18. I keep telling myself that once I'm out maybe things will be different. I'm so ready for the day to come but its so far away.

I'm feeling pretty down today. :-( I guess I'm just losing hope.

Sarah

Johnnz said:

That was a terrible time that stirred up a lot of memories. But, you are not without hope. God has not given up on you. You are not in the too hard basket for him. Many times I have encouraged people to see the wonderful truth of this verse

Phil 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;

Or

Phil 1:6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. NIV

Bless you
John
NZ

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My problem is, I can't remember what good work He started.

Johnnz said:

How about loving you unchangeably?

John
NZ

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You're right John. Thanks for reminding me

spazlegs said:

Hey Sarah, truly you are doing well dear sister. You faced some of your fearful memories and though you hurt, and you closed yourself off some, you are dealing with them successfully. You haven't done self harm, you harmed no one else. You are healing. I know it seems to take forever, but really and truly you have come a very long way. God is at work in you. Sometimes God does have to bring things up for you to deal with them by taking them to Him. refer to my scraps of memory thread. I'm nearly 52 now, and He is still working on me. Dear girl who is just younger than my middle child, you are doing well. Remember, God has the best grip, call out to Him, cry out to Him fervently and He will keep you. Jesus will come a-running when you call. There actually is a song about that, but don't remember anything else about it.

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Thank you for your kind words. I realize that I have changed quite a bit not just in the last couple of months but in the last year too. I know God is working in me. If he wasn't, I wouldn't still be here. I wouldn't have lasted these 189 days. I couldn't have made any progress on my own.

Johnnz said:

There have bene many times my wife and I have hard someone say "It's too much. I don't have the faith to believe any more". We have then told them "That is OK. We believe God and so our faith can carry you through as we trust God for you". And they did come through that dark time with ongoing love and support.

People here are praying for you because they care and know that God does too.

John
NZ

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Thank you John. I believe God is there. I haven't stopped believing in Him but I do realize now that losing hope is just the same as losing faith in Him. I have to trust that this will all turn out right.



Well, I come with some news that I am excited about. Lately I've felt like I was drowning in my self pity. I haven't been able to smile very often and I haven't had the desire to even laugh. The recent trip down memory lane just set it all into overdrive and I've been at serious risk of hurting myself again. I have found myself sitting in the bathroom with a blade in my hand and feel a battle going on in my head and heart. I know one of the best ways to over come my self-harm tempations is to find a distraction. Well, I found one. Some may not agree that this is a good form of stress relief but its what I need. I have enrolled at a kickboxing gym. Truth is, I've wanted to look into boxing before, however, I've never considered boxing competitively. I need to get in shape and I need a good stress relief. I started looking around for a good boxing gym and found one in a town right next to mine. I spoke to the coach over the phone and he wants me to sit in on a class for free and work out with them to see what I think. I plan to go on Monday. I still can't voice my emotions. I'm not good at it. I realize that talking about things is supposed to help but I'm not there yet. So boxing I think will help. It will give me what I need.

Well, I gotta head out. I'm going back to my best friends place.

Thank you everyone,
Sarah

My head is spinning... I don't know where to start...

Finally, I voiced my past out loud. Finally I faced some major demons and let go of some major baggage. My best friend and I were up late and it came up. I was shaking and crying and did get physically ill. It was awful but I did it. That night was the first night I slept without having any nightmares. Before if I used sleeping pills to keep my dreams at bay but I didn't have to worry that night. I was safe. I can think about what happened without wanting to pass out or throw up. Talking about it still makes me react badly but its getting better. I feel... different. I feel like me. I smile a lot easier now, I'm not so tense anymore. I conquered a major mountain but only cuz my best friend was there to hold my hand and hold me as my body shook. She was patient. She let me gain composure. She didn't talk, she just listened. She knew everything I was saying. She had read it all in writting before but she understood better than I did how much I needed to say it all. I haven't beaten my fears, I haven't gotten over everything but I have taken some massive steps that I have doubted for so long that I could possibly do.

Life around me is changing. My best guy friend, heathe, will be here tonight. He's moved from Kentucky and is joining my best friend and i here in texas. I've been reconsidering the idea of a romantic relationship but at the same time I'm terrified of it. Heathe knows how broken I am. He gets angry when I say I can't be fixed. He wants so badly to prove me wrong. He wants to prove that I won't always be the bits of shattered glass that I am. Things with Heathe are different... He's an amazing friend and would never pressure me into anything. In my past relationship with guys they never realized I hid behind walls or masks, and if they did, they would be angry and tell me that if I loved them I'd drop them. Heathe saw instantly how gaurded I was, he didn't ask me to drop my walls. Instead he's peeled away at them. Hes been patient and didn't ask of me what I felt was impossible to do. Hes dug his way in to find the real me. My best friend and I have always joked about how the guys we marry need to be the guy versions of ourselves. I'm not saying that Heathe is "the one" or anything like that. I know I'm 17. I know that I have my whole life ahead of me but I can't get him out of my head. I'm beyond excited about seeing him tonight. I barely slept last night in anticipation of seeing him. After taking the step of verbally speaking about my past, I feel like I'm ready to see where things go with him.

In the past I would see a guy and try to picture a possible future with them. I never saw one. I don't like the idea of casually dating. With the past two relationships I had I would tell myself that the future will come in time. One day I will see us having a family. I can see myself having a happy life with Heathe. I'm not saying I want to be married as soon as I turn 18. That would be insane. I'm saying that one day in the distant future it could happen and it could work.

Tonight my best friend and her boyfriend are joining me to go pick Heathe. Its almost 5pm my time. He won't be here till 1:30AM. I'm not sure whats going to happen but I'm ready for some happiness in my life. If anything, his friendship and being close by will be enough to make me smile.

Feburary 17 was day 200 for me. I reached my goal. I was struggling pretty bad that day. On the eve of day 200, I was tempted like never before to throw in the towel and give in. I did have to take sleeping pills to fall asleep that night... I woke up the next morning and had about 20 text messages and 5 voicemails on my phone from both Heathe and my best friend throwing a party about day 200. It was unexpected but greatly appreciated.

In 115 days I will be 18 and will finally be free of my mother. Things are tense between us and I have to be very careful when I'm around her. I'm doing okay though, I know how to play my cards right. As long as I don't lose my temper I will be fine.

Jnwaco- thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot to me.

Oh, boxing I had to put off for a while. I was in a small car accident. (I'm fine though, I did fracture my left wrist but with the good pain meds I can still type decently) The accident was my fault so I've been having to put some money out but also cuz I was paying for Heathes way to get here so he'd have to money to get a place to stay. I plan to start it if not in March, then in May.

Thanks for reading. I know I said a lot... give me your oppinions on anything and everything Love you all.

Sarah

Hey everyone!

Its been forever and a day since I've posted but it was a bit of a pain to type with my wrist in a cast. Sadly, I've still been having issues with it but the bone has healed so I'm just in a velcro brace now

Criada - Thank you for the hug and the encouragment. I didn't really feel brave. In fact I felt weak more than anything but looking back on that I am proud of myself and I am glad I finally did it.

Spazlegs - The healing truly did start. Talking help me breath a little easier and feel a little lighter. Talking is still extremely difficult. In fact, the other night my best friend had called me out on some things which ended up leading to discussing so of the past abuse. More along the lines of me still carrying the guilt of allowing my friends to date my brother. I still got sick there on the spot and even came close to passing out. I know it'll get easier over time but it sure is taking a long time... I understand your concern about Heathe. I'm extremely careful about the people I let close to me in my life now. Although, I am generous to even those I hardly know. I wasn't going to allow someone to take advantage of me in a major way financially. As selfish as it sounds... I need to have a good bit of money saved up. Heathe got a job a week after he got here. My best friends boyfriend has done me a HUGE favor by allowing him to stay at his apartment with a cheap rent. Hes almost stable enough to get his own place and has already repayed me for the bus ticket and some other expences. I didn't want him to so in retaliation to him giving me the money I spent it all on his birthday presents! haha... I'm no longer helping support him. That lasted only a week Broken bones do hurt, I've broken quite a few too... but I have a high pain tolerance so its all good.



Right now life has been a bit hectic... Things between my mother and I are tense. I've been spending 5-6 nights at my best friends instead of at home. In 83 days I will be 18. That can't come soon enough...

As for a romantic relationship? I don't know exactly what to call it. Haha. Heathe and I are in a weird spot but we are just friends for the time being. We had a long discussion about a week ago and while him and I want to see where things go, we both feel its just as easy to fall in love as best friends as it is if you're dating. So we're friends. I have a habit of flinching any time a guy reaches to hug me. I don't do it on purpose but small stuff like that is what made him and I choose to be friends. He said he knew I had done things in the past because I felt obligated too. He wants to help me work past the flinching and everything but he wants to do that in his own way. I don't really know how to explain that. He knows I'm broken though... He's prepared to deal with it.

The other night my best friend and I had been talking. I had been a bit depressed recently and she called me out on a lot of stuff that needed to be said. Her and I have these notebooks that we've been writing to each other in for over a year now and she forced one in my face to have me read my thoughts back to before i started this thread. I had written about wanting to be better and working towards it. She said now I was on this kick of saying I was broken and can never be fixed. The thing is, back then I was cutting and barely started talking about my past. My goals were to tell certain people that I felt deserved to know and then to stop the cutting. I met those goals and never made new ones. So I gotta make some new goals now. I gotta work towards getting better and get rid of this unfixable attitude. Any ideas?

I could type for forever but my wrist is giving out and its late. Next chance I get, I'll say more. Thanks for caring and thanks for reading.

Sarah