I'm finally facing it...

icarusforde said:

Woohoo! So i know i can annoy you a bit (playing, of course!) before you decide to deck me. Then again, i'm a pretty big guy (6'4) so you decking me could look rather comical. xD

Are you looking to go into that sorta job fulltime when you leave school/whatever?

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Haha, yeah I'm very slow to anger Althought whats funny is that one of the people that has recieved the full force of my anger was a guy who was over 6 feet tall. In the end he walked away with a bloody nose and learned the hard way not too mess with people I love. I may be tiny but I'm a little firecracker. At least thats what some of my guy friends have told me.

My career outside of school is something that I that I'm really struggling with. Until June of last year I had it set in my mind and heart to be in Emergency Medicine and work as a doctor in the emergency room. Which sounded like a perfect job for me and it was something I loved doing, which was helping people. However, God decided to rock my world and well now the only thing I know for sure is that I'm going into the ministry. Doing what I don't know... and what part I don't know either. I just know thats where I belong. I played with the idea of being a medical missionary but I'm not so sure I can be happy doing anything medical anymore. However I do know that when I start college I will be majoring in Communications then when I transfer to a seminar school I will change my major but I have no clue to what. I know that with my past I want to reach out to teenagers... give them a chance to see what I couldn't when I was 13 or even at my age now.

spazlegs said:

Wow, wow and wow. You are amazing, young lady. Virtual Hugs to you!

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Thanks... I'm trying to be better just in every way possible. Its just not easy.



I know I need to deal with my past but I'm not really sure what the next step is. I don't really know where to go from here. I still haven't voiced what happened to me out loud. I guess that'd be the place to start but I still don't know what to do. I know my best friends parents assume that I've had a lot of abuse in the past and once we sit down and talk in about 6 months when I move in, they'll ask me a lot of questions. The mom really cares a lot about me and knew I was cutting. I know shes going to want to try to get me some help. She works at a psych hospital and knows a lot of shrinks. I'm going to benefit in a lot of ways from moving in with them. They are going to help me with school, and with some other medical issues I have and also with seeing a shrink. I'm terrified of telling them the whole truth because they were really really upset when my best friend dated my brother because she wasn't allowed to date at the time. I just feel awful that they are allowing me in to their home after I put their daughter in that danger. Yes I still carry that guilt even though my best friend has forgiven me, I still feel guilty about all of it...

So right now I'm stuck. I'm feeling pretty stable again now. Its time for me to make another step towards getting over this. What do I do from here?

Sarah

icarusforde said:

Ahaha, you're a funny one. Don't punch me, mk? xD

Have you thought about going into youth ministry/counseling? It's always a very interesting area to go into, and you meet some really amazing people in the area as well.

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I'd never hit you! You're my buddy

I have consider youth ministry. Its the one option I've considered the most. Either being a youth minister or a missionary. I'm just not too sure... All the people I have spoken too about said they see me as a missionary. That shocked me the first time I heard it but I have always hated the idea of going too far from home.


So a quick update on today!
I have been working on all sorts of college admissions stuff all day. Is a bit tiring but while doing that I emailed my boss asking to get more hours. I wasn't expecting for there to be any space for me to fill in and turns out there is. So when the next semester starts I will be working at the same place I have been on tuesdays and thursdays. On mondays and wednesday I get to work at my old high school! Which really makes me happy. I'll get to see a lot of my old friends and not to mention my pay checks will be looking rather nice
Sadly I'm not graduating at the time I'd like to so getting admitted into college is a bit difficult and they are only allowing me to take two classes while I'm there. But I'm okay with that I think. I'm going to be taking those on top of the 10 classes I'm already taking in my homeschool courses and then I'll be working 4 days out of the week so its good that I only can take two classes.


Sarah

icarusforde said:

*sighs in relief* Yay, i know i'm safe.

Yeah, I've actually been looking into that myself, tbh. It seems to be where God is calling me to go, so we'll just go with the flow where He takes me.


Nice! College admissions can be complicated - got it all worked out?

And the more hours is always awesome.

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I'm still in the process of getting all the college stuff together. My best friends mom is getting together my home school transcript. I gave her all my classes and grades and such and she knows the whole format of everything so she offered to do it for me which I am extremly greatful for. I have picked up my transcript of the classes that I took while I was in public school so thats ready. I have a bunch of applications that need to be filled out which is almost done. After I get all of that turned in I'll have to take a TSI test which is just them seeing what I know since I never took the SAT or ACT. I'll get it all done soon though

spazlegs said:

Hmm, well maybe you should consider becoming a licensed clinical social worker. They work with kids and families and their problems. Or a psychological therapy worker doing art, teaching writing. Or a marriage and family therapist. Or just simply a psychotherapist.

You could be on church staff or just a helper and hold down a job helping folks.

You've been there done that, got the tshirt and all that. You know, you can relate. You could help families that are getting divorced and help the kids deal with the trauma and fighting between mom and dad as a court worker.

One question, would your mom let you move in early?

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Back in middle school I took a career aptitude test and it told me to be a social worker. It has been a back up job I've chosen. The thing with that though is I get way too attached... I wouldn't be able to keep myself from being emotionally involved. I've been told by friends and family I should be a therapist. That I would do well. Apparently I have a talent for saying the right things at the right time, even the things they don't want to hear. But, once again I think I'd get too attached... lol. Being a youth pastor would allow me to get attached. I could be there more often and it'd be okay

And the answer to your question. I'm not really sure if my mother would allow me to leave early. I do know my best friends parents won't allow me to move in till I'm 18. Just because then they'd have no problem telling my mom to leave their property or call the cops on her. I'd hate it if it came to that but to be honest it wouldn't surprise me if it did. They want to protect me from my mom but they want to and have to do it legally. I respect that completely and understand it too. I'm okay with waiting till I'm 18. (197 days away) I'm just looking at it as another lesson about patience from God. He likes to give me those a lot... lol


Hope everyone is well,
Sarah

My best friend has brought something to my attention... and now its really on my mind. I know in the past I said I would never allow myself to take sleeping pills because I know I'd be too dependent on them and other reasons. I haven't really realized how often I did it until she told me but I have been taking some over counter PM pain medicine. Except I've been taking between 4-8 pills at a time. I know this is dangerous... and super unhealthy but its the way I get to sleep. Ever since I started taking them my dreams stopped and I have been getting enough sleep to not just fuction but more than that. She told me that I need to lay off the sleeping pills when I move in. I got a bit defensive and well that was an argument that I won... but now I feel bad. I feel like I reallly need these pills. I was so worn down before when I would wake up constantly from nightmares or just not be able to sleep at all. My best friend told me that I need to go to the doctor and get perscribed sleeping pills. I just don't know. I have noticed I do misuse them a bit. On days I'm super depressed and just want to sleep, I take pills and sleep for 8 or 10 hours then when I wake up I take more and go back to sleep. Although I've done that only a couple of times, it was a couple of times too many. I'm not sure what to do about this... I know some people don't believe in taking pills for insomnia, if thats even what I have, but how do I fix another obvious addiction I've created for myself? Should I just stop the pills? Seeing a doctor is kind of out of the question since I have yet to get health insurance, so would it be okay to keep taking them until I could at least move out?

sorry I can't say more, i gotta run. Hope everyone is well and warm!
sarah

Todays post is going to be super long, so I apologize ahead of time. I have a whole lot to say this time around. First I'll reply to the past two posts.

Spazzlegs - I looked into the ingredients of the pills. I'm taking acetaminophen (which I know is tylenol) and diphenhydramine, which you mentioned was benadryl, they are mixed into a pills that are just pain relieving night time pills. The bottle instructs to not take more than 8 in 24 hours. I have only done that once and learned my lesson. Ended up scaring myself really badly. Anywayz, back when I was doing drugs my drug of choice was narcotics. I know my limits. The sleeping pills could possibly be an addiction and i'm useing the lack of sleep and dreams as an excuse to keep taking them but right now its getting me by and thats my goal. I can't change things and start getting help till I turn 18.

Johnnz - I know why I have the dreams I do and it is because of a whole bunch of unprocessed emotions and memories. The dreams stop with the pills and my pain stops too. I could go through my dreams with my best friend but thats it.

Okay, I've got a lot I want to unload. I'll start with the pettiest and least significant. Yesterday, December 9th, was the day that I could FINALLY get my license. Driving has been a huge sore spot between my mother and I. (Just a heads up I know I am going to sound immature with this but it's had me super frustrated for a long time.) Let me start by explaining how things went down for my brother. He at 15 was brought back home by the police because he had stolen my parents car to go to a friends house. He recieved three tickets that night. In school he was failing and acting out.
When he turned 16 he was given a car. Not having done anything to earn it. He didn't even have a license yet. Moving on to when he was 17. He was arrested for stealing rims off of cars at a dealership AND for running from the cops. That whole ordeal ended with him having a felony on his record and being put on probation. Also he dropped out of high school just before his 18th birthday At 18 he was given another car. Seeing as his other one was no longer usable. He blew the engine racing. Since then he has been put on probation for yet another charge. He's been arrested more times than we can count. The car he was given when he was 18 was impounded one of the many times he was arrested and he hasn't had a job so he was never able to get it out. Now at the age of 21 there has been talk of giving him a third car. He's still jobless and basically a bum. (I apologize for sounding snobby or anything like that with what I'm going to say next) When I turned 15 I wanted to get my drivers permit really badly. My mom agreed to go through with the parent taught course instead of putting me through driving school. I was okay with that. We both had things that we needed to take care of before I could get my permit. Well, my mom didn't know where my birth certificate was and a few other things and would refuse to look for it. Even though she made so many promises to me, she would say I'll look tomorrow or I don't have the money to order a new one. It was beyond frustrating. A year passed of that and I turned 16. Let me remind you I was doing well in school. I wasn't making A's and B's all of the time but I was passing and I was showing up. I never stole my mothers car. I didn't ever get arrested, much less get a ticket. So at 16 even though I had my heart set on getting my license then, I didn't even have my drivers permit so I couldn't do it. Later on I'd say in the winter, my mom got into a car accident which ended up being her fault. She had her license suspended after that. So now I was really screwed in doing the parent taught program. Around here it cost a lot of money to get into drivers ed and to do the parent taught you have to have a valid license. My dad couldn't legally teach me because he had been arrested for a DUI in the past. My mom didn't tell me about her license getting suspended for a very long time. My mother and I fought about it constantly. So just when I had given up. Earlier this year when my cousin got her back surgery I had to be able to drive. So... finally we worked things out and my grandma ended up being the one who was "technically" teaching me to drive. A little over a week before my 17th birthday I got my permit. I was super excited. Let me take a second to point out that when I turned 17 I had never been given a car and any time I brought it up I was called a "spoiled brat", "ungreatful", and other names that I can't repeat. When we got my permit we knew the exact date that I could go in and get my license. December 9th. I had that day ingraved in my mind. I was counting down till the day. I was ready to be the first person at the DMV and get everything taken care of. Once again I had all of my stuff ready. Told my mom countless times to make sure to tell her work that she'd be going in late that day because I wanted to be there first thing in the morning. The night before she tells me that we're going in the afternoon and later when shes getting together the stuff that I told her to find a month before hand she finds out that not all the papers were there. I was livid, so freakin frustrated that I was so close but now I couldn't get it. I am now making all A's in school. I have a job. I'm working hard. Trying to earn everything. I understand that money is tight so I'm not expecting a car but I am expecting that my mom come through for me on my license. Although if my brother is given that third car I think I will lose it. I hate how I have to work for everything and have to be this strong, sturdy, responsible person while he is handed everything in his life. He gets babied. It angers me... I know what he's done to me. He gets away with everything and I know I'm helping him get away with it. But this driving is what just a big part of how things work in my life. I've had to work for everything I have. While I've seen my brother just sit aside and be catered too. I've had to work just to be happy and in some cases just to survive. I'm frustrated with that. But to wrap up the license story. Turns out the DMV can replace the papers that were gone and we
were going to go take care of it later on yesterday but... there was a turn of events.

I'm sorry that the driving story was so petty but this next part is what really has hit me hard. At 8:00AM yesterday morning we got a phone call saying that my grandpa had been found dead in his house. I remember I was still furious with my mom and then got a phone call from a cousin saying he passed away. I froze there for a minute and was kinda shocked. About 15 minutes my mom walked back in the door having left work and I did what I always do. I dropped my anger and any other emotion and held her while she cried and then while my mother changed out of her work clothes, I went and told my grandmother the news. She had been married to the man but they divorced maybe 30 years ago. Probably more than that. I went along with some of the family to tend to the funeral arrangements and other stuff where he lived which was two hours away from the town I live in. Last year my grandpa had changed his benefitiary to my aunt. His oldest daughter. It had previously been his psychotic ex-girlfriend. We learned that the insurance company never filed it correctly. So it was never changed. Now that he had passed away, there was nothing we could do to change it. So no one in the family can touch his life insurance money to pay for his cremation and service and what not. We have no clue where to find his ex. From what we've been told we've narrowed it down to four different states she could be in. So now we have to come up with the money to pay for everything. Also, since it was my grandpas wish to be cremated the law in Texas for cremation, if there is no spouse, the deads children all have to sign away saying that they approve of the cremation. My grandpa had 7 children. Most could be located. One is in prison. The other is no where to be found. He stays hidden. Unless we find him we are not going to be able to cremate him. So all of that really bites. The worst part is, it doesn't stop there. While we were two hours away, my grandma was rushed into the Emergency Room with an insanely high fever. Later she was admitted. She had pnemonia and it is not looking good for her. She's an 82 year old woman with poor health. I am stressed to my limit. I really don't care much about the driving anymore. I'm trying hard to hold my family together but its hard. So much is hitting us from everyside I'm worried that I'm going to crumble. I need more strength but I don't know where to find it. Best way to describe my life is "when it rains, it pours." Its not just one bad thing, its a whole bunch. I've been so close to hurting myself again... Its been 131 days since I have but I want to so bad. I feel so angry and so hurt and I just don't know what to do. When I'm around people I go into my overload mode where I just lock up and go numb.

This post has been sooo long, I apologize. I know I may have sounded really childish with a lot of what was said but I needed to put it somewhere. If you do read all of this thanks. If you don't, well I don't blame you.


sarah

My previous post was just full of my whining. I apologize for it. I need to get my head in the right spot. I need to focus on keeping it together.

Lately I've been considering speaking about my past out loud again. Its the next step to getting my head on striaght. I'm afraid though. I want to but when I start to I find myself just physically unable to say it. Its like I seriously go mute or something. Its unnatural and drives me insane. Whats even crazier is I put some serious thought into confiding everything into my mother. Fat joke. I mean, I wouldn't do it now considering the state of things. Her dad passing away and her mom so close to death too. No, I couldn't do it now. Even if the circumstances were different I doubt I'd be able to even utter a sound about the horrific things my brother did to me. I could tell her about our neighbor. The pain I suffered at the hands of my brother haunts me far more than the pain I suffered because of my neighbor.

I'm feeling trapped, suffocating in a prison I created for myself. I don't understand how I created such a locked up place that I can't even get out of much less allow someone in. I'm desiring closeness with someone. I want to be able to finally be me. Truly be who I am. I'm tired of the masks I carry but I can't drop them yet. Here at home I'm just the rock. The stone that everyone can lean on. Thats all I will be. I take care of myself and them. I deny myself true happiness just so they can be happy. I protect them and put myself in harms way. I want to stop and maybe, just maybe for once allow myself to be taken care of. But even though I'm screaming on the inside, screaming for someone to notice just how badly I've been hurt, I live my life as I always have. I lay in bed at night wondering when on earth God is going to give my a break. When will I have a chance to finally be happy?

I'm sorry... I'm whining again... forgive me. I'm frustrated with the cards I've been dealt. As always, when I start to think I have a chance at being happy, it all crashes around me. Those two vacations I was so excited about? Not going to happen. The only thing I have to look forward to is me turning 18 and thats 6 months away. I fear that something will stand in the way of that. I'm afraid that some how this is going to get ripped away from me.

I don't want to be trapped in the same house as my mother or my brother anymore. I love my family but I need out. I can no longer hurt myself for temporary relief and I can't even kill myself to escape. I understand having to go through somethings that I do, but does it have to be non stop? Can't I be cut a break just once?

Icarusforde - thanks for the kind words. Don't worry about not having the time to write to me. The fact that you put up with my insanely long post is enough. lol.

Spazlegs - I really would hate for you to leave. I enjoy hearing your input. If you do decide to leave CF please PM me so maybe we can keep in contact through our emails? I value your opinion and its always given me much to think about.

Thanks for reading,
Sarah

John,

I realize that you've tried to explain this to me in the past... I understood what you said but today it really clicked. I do get what you're trying to say. Its clear to me now. I realize I have a bit of a control issue with every aspect of my life. Everything has always been so out of control, I've done everything I can to control what little I can. In doing so, I got it in my head that I could control Jesus' love for me or as you say his hold on me. The only control I have is the willingness to allow him into my heart. The moment I did that I did the very thing I hated to do and that was lose control over my life. Its His now, not mine. Humm... I've got more to think about now.

Sarah