I'm finally facing it...

Johnnz - Thanks, I'm beginning to notice I'm making progess. You said I'm getting there and it finally feels like it.

mich_ellie - Hey! Thanks for putting up with my thread. I realize that I rant a lot and I've been posting in this thread for a while now. I'm glad you shared a bit about yourself with me. I've been there too, I was addicted to narcotics in the past and well... it left me in a pretty bad spot. I'm glad you ask about my niece, I have thought about that. Trust me, that was my first worry when I even found that my brother got a girl pregnant. The thing is before the fight my brother an I had the only time he was around my niece someone else has been there. My brother and nieces mother weren't living together and on my brothers weekends to have her my mother and I would care for her. My brothers relationship with his daughters mother is a bit complicated to explain, so I won't go into detail about it but he is with her a lot even though they aren't living together. My brother isn't ever left alone with her, either because he doesn't want to be or because he has no idea how to care for an infant. Something he should know since he is her father but I'm not complaining about it any. You do have a valid point though. Now that my brother is no longer living with us I have been contemplating whether or not to tell the family my secret. I'm afraid people will accuse me of lying with the way things are now. I already divided up the family with the fight I started. But my nieces well-being is whats most important to me. I do have a lot to think about.

Mr.Cheese - I'm glad I improved your day. Makes me smile to know I made someone else happy.

Spazlegs - I'm sorry to hear you've been sick! I too have been sick too. It didn't help me any to go out and have it out with my brother so yesterday I was a bit miserable. I have just had the regular flu though. I stood up for her because no one else was. I'm tired of hearing my family talk trash about my nieces parents and them not do a single thing about it. I could have acted differently but I am happy that I at least acted. Hope you feel better soon!!!


So on facebook the other day my youthpastor yelled at me for not having signed up for a recent church event. He made me laugh, so I went to the church and signed up today. Its called Disciple Now. This church event is pretty dear to my heart since it was through this event a couple of years ago that I got baptised I've been to it 5 years in a row. This will be my 6th and final year as a student. I plan to come back as a leader though. I'm excited to go. Today I have felt light, and it felt good to go to my church and hang out with my church family again. The youth staff there loves me and its nice to remember how much they do. It always takes me back how much they care for not only me but my entire youth group.

I just got a phone call that my aunt has my niece for the night so I'm gonna head out. Thank you all for your encouragement. It means a lot!

secretshadows

So a quick update. My mom has let my brother come back home. She allowed him to last night, but I have yet to see him since him and I fought. I'm hoping it stays that way for a few more days. I haven't exactly cooled down enough to face him yet. So even though we're in then same house I have managed to avoid him.

Today I was a bit depressed. Mainly stuff with my dad again today. He says he's going to call and keep in touch, he makes all these promises and claims he'll stick to them this time but in the end it just leaves me feeling like I'll never be good enough, and unloved. I feel immature saying that I know he loves me but I don't feel like he does. When I'm not with him I feel so angry and hurt and i just want to yell and scream at him but once I'm finally with him I just want him to hold me. I'm like a little girl who just wants her daddy. Its a bit pathetic. I don't know if I have a healthy relationship with any guy at all. I do have my friend from kentucky that I've told you guys about. He's been really uplifting. But I feel like my relationship with my dad along with the past molestation has screwed everything up when it comes to carrying on even a friendship with a guy. I always think that they want something out of the relationship. That it can't just be a friendship. I feel like no matter what things will be just like they are with my dad. I won't be good enough for them. That they'll be here but then just disappear. They'll expect so much from me but then I get nothing in return. I tell myself that not all guys are like that but in my heart I don't feel that. I'm frustrated with myself again.

I'm hoping that at my upcoming disciple now event at my church will help me get on a good track or at least give me a different perspective on life in general. At the very least I'll have a good time. I might as well enjoy my last year at the event.

Well I need to crash for the night. Talk to you all soon.

Secretshadows

Spazlegs - Thanks, I know its natural for me to feel like I do but I still feel bad for feeling that way. One of the main things that I feel bad about is that I get so hurt by this when I do have God. He's my father too and he's definietly done a whole lot more for me than my biological dad. I feel bad that it isn't enough for me to have just God. Makes me feel a bit selfish and ungreatful. But thank you for your prayers and kind words. The pain of it comes and goes so today it doesn't hurt.

Mich_ellie - I appreciate that you think I'm strong. That does mean a lot. Please remember that you are strong too. Even though in this thread I seem like a crazy mess I still am a good listener... if you ever want someone to chat with PM me You said a lot of good things in your post. I understand that I've gone through everything in my life for a reason and am going through the rest for other reasons. A quote that I posted on my facebook the other day was this: "You can't have dark without light, you can't have hot without cold, you can't have life without death."



So I'm excited about my weekend with my youth group I have one of my good friends coming with me. I'm really looking forward to going. My youth pastor said hes hoping that this will give me the boost that I need. I have been neglecting to go to church since May. I may have gone two times during the summer but not consistently at all. Which is mainly cuz I've felt so distant from God but thats going to change... soon. I don't have a ride to my church so I need to talk to some people about getting a ride up there on wednesdays and sundays too.

I should be getting my plane ticket soon. I'm really excited. Its nice having so many things to look forward to! My friendship with my guy friend is really uplifting. He hates the fact that I look so down on myself. In so many small ways he's been trying to help me look at myself differently. The other day we were talking and for the first time in my life a guy said I was beautiful. No guy, not even my father, has told me that. It struck a cord and well I'll admit I teared up a bit. Every day since then he's made it a point to tell me he loves me and that he thinks I'm beautiful or gorgeous. Whats great about my friendship with him is its so much similar to my friendship with my best friend. My best friend and I talk about everything together and her and I both make it a point to tell each other that we love each other every day. I can talk with my best friend about anything and I can do the same with my guy friend. I'm noticing I'm still happier more often now. Its like I'm slowly climbing out of my depression. I'm becoming my normal bouncing-off-the-walls self again. I think getting my job helped a lot. Its really cool working with the kids and making a difference, being an influence I spoke to my old group leader the other day too. Told her about me not cutting anymore. She was excited about it. Shes gonna try to hook up with me during the church event this weekend

Well... thanks for keeping up with me guys! Talk to you soon. Oh... Today I'm not signing off as secretshadows. Today I'm signing off as who I really am.

Sarah

That beautiful little one is the very girl I love most in this world. That is my niece, Kylee Dawn is her name. Whats ironic is she looks more like me than either of her parents. Although, I was no where near as adorable as a baby, but compared to my baby pictures her and I are identical.

I actually have some issues with my name but I am proud to have it. I was named after my great grandmother. I don't really understand why my dad choose to give me the name because he doesn't get along with his grandma very well. lol. Really the only thing I don't like about my name is its so common. My middle name is Nicole and even my last name is a common one.

Well, I've got to get packing for the weekend. Last night I found out where I'm going to be staying and now I gotta get all my stuff ready and make sure my friend gets all her stuff together. I'm praying God shows me something big this weekend. I need some sort of reality check. Just something, anything, to get me going.

Sarah

I'm going to try to give you a short update...

Recently we had a thanksgiving holiday. Which didn't start out so great for me. My family and I had some differences. In the end my best friends family saved me. They had previously invited me to join them but I declined since I had made plans with my family. Arrangements were made for me to join them, so I ended up spending the holiday with my true family.

Last night, I sort of lost control of my emotions. Once again it had to do with my father. My relationship with him has really been weighing me down lately. I haven't been that close to hurting myself in a very long time... but I managed to refrain from it. However, I did lose control of my temper and punched a hole in one of the wooden sheds in my backyard. During my pacing and tears outside in the rain I let my friend know what was going on, then took some sleeping pills, and had a shower, then passed out for the evening. I tell you this so you can understand how upset I was but also so you can understand why this next part is so amazing.

This morning, my best friend comes to my house (she has a key) and wraps her arms around me to wake me up. I smile and before I can even say hello she says, "How would you like to move into my place when you turn 18?" I was shocked... I couldn't speak. She went on talking about it more and all I could do was stare at her. I couldn't speak and when she realized that I wasn't going to say anything she asked me to wrap her wrist in an ace bandage and a few other things. Later on I texted her, apologizing for not voicing my opinions. We talked a little more before her classes started. At that point neither of her parents were aware of us considering this and that was at 8 this morning. Her mom was on board instantly when asked earlier today, and even her younger sister is excited to have me stay. We are just waiting to talk to her dad about it when he gets home from work later tonight. If he says yes then in exactly 200 days I will be moving into their home.

So even though I'm struggling... I've found another light in all my darkness. Gods answering my prayers. Thats the update of things for now.

Lily00 - Thank you so much for your support. I really didn't realize just how long I've been at this until you pointed it out to me. Its been a long road and I have a lot more left to work on.

icarusforde said:

Hey SS, long time no speak.

You're going awesome, keep that in mind though! And may I say, I'm impressed! Good work on punching a hole in the shed - heaven help anyone who gets in the way of your punches.

I'll have to catch up with you again sometime - how's your job going and suchwhat?

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Hey there!

Haha... yeah, I do have a good punch. Only two people have ever gotten the full force of it. I plan on joining kick boxing when I start college I figured that'd be a constructive place to put my anger and strength. My knuckles don't appreciate punching such things unprotected either.

Work is great! I really love going. It doesn't feel like I'm working at all. It doesn't feel like I should get paid for something so easy and fun! lol... because of the holidays I haven't worked in over a week but I do go back to work tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it I only work for two weeks then I'm off on my vacations and for the christmas break. Having the same schedule as schools makes my life easy. You know where to find me, you can PM me any time

lily00 said:

Oh secretshadows, I am so proud of you! and so happy for you!

hurry up 18, and roll around!

I'm sorry you were sad last night. know you do have my full support and you are in my prayers. God bless you!

Shara

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I've been counting down my 18th birthday by days since I was 16... lol. It just doesn't seem to be coming fast enough. God's really been teaching me a thing or two about patients...


Thanks for checking in on me you guys
Sarah

icarusforde said:

Remind me never to annoy you... xD Expecially not after kickboxing trains you up!

You sound like you are loving it. It's always good to find a job that you love to do... Now i just need to find one.

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lol... it takes a lot to bring out that side of me. The funny thing is I'm a tiny girl and generally happy. I'm just not a person to mess with. Then again the only time I've gotten violent is because I was protecting someone else, not myself. Kickboxing was actually my uncles idea. Him and rough house a lot and he has always wanted to get me into. Even when I was a little kid.

I am loving my job. Every day I'm at work I thank God for the blessing of having it. Its the perfect job for me... I'm hoping to get more hours next semester.


Sarah

spazlegs said:

Hooo, great news. Want to tell us how the trip was too?

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Oh! My church event. :-D DiscipleNow is an event that I hold pretty dear to me. This year was bittersweet. It was my last year as a senior but I had a great time! The message that we talked about the whole weekend was one I really needed to be reminded of. We talked about suffering as Christians. Not just through persecution but in life in general. Everything we talked about was things that I already knew, but I really really needed to be reminded of them. We talked in depth about Christs death, and all that he suffered for us. Pointing out Christs sufferings really hit home to me. There is no point in saying I haven't suffered in life, but Christ went through more. His whole purpose in life was to suffer! That was the whole reason he was made as a man... I know thats not entirely it but looking at it that way really helped me see some other things. Being a Christian is about striving to be Christ-like. We all fall short but we should still strive for it. Jesus suffered a lot of hardships, but in his suffering he didn't blame God. He, like I do occasionally, cried out to God looking for a way out but with what dignity he could have through his ordeal took on the suffering and didn't run away. As odd as it sounds... I am working on suffering like Christ. Allowing emotions to flow when the time is right but being strong when it is demanded of me too and definitely not blaming God when things go wrong. I don't need to act like a child saying that my parents don't love me because I didn't get my way. So... I gained a lot from the weekend. I wish the weekend could have lasted longer but of course all good things come to an end.


I talked to my mom tonight about going on a road trip with my best friend and she agreed. So I'm gonna have a busy month next month. Today has definitely been a good day for me.

Sarah

P.S. I just realized this is post 100 in this thread. I thought that was pretty cool