A
alivingprayer
Guest
To everyone else, I was the normal fourtteen year old girl. I wasn't popular, but I wasn't exactly a loner either. I guess that I was know as the "happy" girl. I always had a smile on my face, and I always had a joke on hand when someone needed a laugh. But on the inside, I was screaming. No one knew of the sexual abuse I had endured as a child, or about the abusive boyfriend my mom had. They had no idea that I had been battling an eating disorder for years, or that the scars on my arms weren't from bathing my cat.
I felt like such a fake. I went to church everyday, but God's unconditional love was an enigma to me. How could someone who knew all my secrets actually be able to still love me? I thought that I was saved. I had followed my best friend up the altar to pray the prayer, and I had been to enough youth assemblys in my life, that I should of believed. I raised my hand when the choir sang, but I still had a hole in my heart.
Then, like so many other lost people, I tried to fill that hole. The cutting wasn't working, binging and then purging wasn't working, so I turned to something that "the church girl" would never do. I chose sex. I was dating one of the guys in my youth group, and he told me that he really loved me and there was only one way that I could show him that I loved him in return, so when he tried to have sex with me, I didn't stop him. It become an addiction, soon, instead of him pushing me to it, I would force it on him. The sastisfying feeling that I got from sex only lasted a little while. Eventually, we broke up. So, I turned to another guy in my youth group, and then another, and another, until, in a matter of months, I had given my body to five different guys. I felt like such a hypocrite, of course God couldn't love me now! I was overcome with guilt. I was tainted, dirty.
After about four months of this, I had had enough. I remember asking my self if I was strong enough to go on. I decided to choose the easy way out, suicide. Luckily, after I had taken a few pills, someone found me. I was shipped off to a private mental hospital. After a week there, I was deemed "unreachable", and I was sent to a state mental hospital. I learned how to fool the staff into thinking that I was better, so I was released after a week there. I left there with bipolar medication and strong sleeping pills.
A few weeks after getting out of the hospital, I had a sudden thought. Something inside of me said "if you died right now, where would you be?" I suddenly remembered what other people had told me about Jesus, who had died on the cross for my sins. Being the stubborn person that I am, I didn't want to believe what other people told me, I had to find out for myself. I started reading the Bible. I read all of the gospels, and I finally came to a conclusion. No matter what I've done, or how much I hate myself, God still loves me. He sent His Son to die for me. It was amazing. Though I was dirty because of my sin, He could make me clean. He could make a change in my life, if only I would let Him. A thousand pounds of guilt were lifted off of my shoulders. I let Him take all of that and throw it away. I know that He has a plan for my life, and I intend to fulfill that plan, whatever it may be.
I don't have to wonder now where I'm going when I die. I'm a new person in God's eyes. In 2 Corinthians 5:17 it says, Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
I felt like such a fake. I went to church everyday, but God's unconditional love was an enigma to me. How could someone who knew all my secrets actually be able to still love me? I thought that I was saved. I had followed my best friend up the altar to pray the prayer, and I had been to enough youth assemblys in my life, that I should of believed. I raised my hand when the choir sang, but I still had a hole in my heart.
Then, like so many other lost people, I tried to fill that hole. The cutting wasn't working, binging and then purging wasn't working, so I turned to something that "the church girl" would never do. I chose sex. I was dating one of the guys in my youth group, and he told me that he really loved me and there was only one way that I could show him that I loved him in return, so when he tried to have sex with me, I didn't stop him. It become an addiction, soon, instead of him pushing me to it, I would force it on him. The sastisfying feeling that I got from sex only lasted a little while. Eventually, we broke up. So, I turned to another guy in my youth group, and then another, and another, until, in a matter of months, I had given my body to five different guys. I felt like such a hypocrite, of course God couldn't love me now! I was overcome with guilt. I was tainted, dirty.
After about four months of this, I had had enough. I remember asking my self if I was strong enough to go on. I decided to choose the easy way out, suicide. Luckily, after I had taken a few pills, someone found me. I was shipped off to a private mental hospital. After a week there, I was deemed "unreachable", and I was sent to a state mental hospital. I learned how to fool the staff into thinking that I was better, so I was released after a week there. I left there with bipolar medication and strong sleeping pills.
A few weeks after getting out of the hospital, I had a sudden thought. Something inside of me said "if you died right now, where would you be?" I suddenly remembered what other people had told me about Jesus, who had died on the cross for my sins. Being the stubborn person that I am, I didn't want to believe what other people told me, I had to find out for myself. I started reading the Bible. I read all of the gospels, and I finally came to a conclusion. No matter what I've done, or how much I hate myself, God still loves me. He sent His Son to die for me. It was amazing. Though I was dirty because of my sin, He could make me clean. He could make a change in my life, if only I would let Him. A thousand pounds of guilt were lifted off of my shoulders. I let Him take all of that and throw it away. I know that He has a plan for my life, and I intend to fulfill that plan, whatever it may be.
I don't have to wonder now where I'm going when I die. I'm a new person in God's eyes. In 2 Corinthians 5:17 it says, Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!