Guys, I screwed up majorly. But I'm going to give you background. I'm in my early 20's, and home bound due to illness. Over a year and a half ago God called me into the ministry and Ive tried to make movement in that direction though my health situation makes it very hard. I deal a lot with loneliness, both platonic and romantic. Its been over a year since I left my house with any sort of consistency. This has lead to a lot of temptations. A LOT, you can guess that porns been a pretty big problem, but its worse. I make most of my friends online, some of them are women. Sometimes things get flirty, sometimes they get sexual, sometimes they go to another degree of being sexual. I'm ashamed, Ive had cyber sex to some degree with quite a few women I know online, most of the time these are people Ive been friends with 1-6 months. But tonight......tonight bad. Not that it wasn't bad before, but now, now it is, this is worse to an entire new level.
This woman Ive been friends with for a while talked earlier in the day, and then again later. By the end we ended up having cyber sex, over voice chat, and she showed me her camera some (though nice to look at she wasn't nude). I'm so ashamed guys. Me and her have video chatted before, nothing bad just normal innocent conversation, so we know what each other look like. Which means, we know what each other look like. We live across the country though so I'm not to worried about anything happening. But I'm very uncomfortable with that now.
I shouldn't have done this, but I did. I Really messed up big time, huge. I feel like every time I make a step towards God I get shoved back 3 the other direction. Like I'll have a while where I get my struggles not only under control, but to the point where they arn't even a temptation. I think "porn" and my instant reflex "meh, I would rather not". I will be growing in my knowledge of God , growing closer to him, spending more time in prayer. Then life will start to hit harder, my health will hit me so I'm no longer able to keep my hands mind busy for a few weeks, stress, without anything to busy myself temptation slowly becomes an issue again, then I give in. I'm not making excuses for my behavior, there isn't one, but these situations DO make it harder and I fail to react as I should under them. Every time this happens I feel like become worse and worse off. I fall further and further into sin. Porn moved to flirting moved to cybersex.
Honestly Guys I'm starting to worry God might just kill me to keep me from leading people astray, cause Ive destroyed the credibility of Christianity to some of those women who knew I was a christian. Moreso I worry I'm destroying any future ministry I could have, cause I'm not exactly meeting the requirements of an elder right now in any way shape or form, I have basically NO self control and you could hardly consider me a "one woman man" with my actions. I feel like every time I fail, its another instance of me showing I cannot be trusted with little, and in the long run my ministry will suffer for it.
I struggle with my salvation, because of these things. The bible talks very plainly in hebrews 10 about those who choose sin.
26 For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, 27 but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries. 28 Anyone who has set aside the law of Moses dies without mercy on the evidence of two or three witnesses. 29 How much worse punishment, do you think, will be deserved by the one who has trampled underfoot the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace? 30 For we know him who said, “Vengeance is mine; I will repay.” And again, “The Lord will judge his people.” 31 It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.
I'm scared this is me, I'm so terrified to my core this is me, Ive been terrified of it for a while and I'm litterally tearing up and trembling as I right this because this passage scares me so much. Its one thing to sin, come to God, and be forgiven. But what happens when you come to God, get saved, and then choose to sin? I wasn't forced with a gun to my head to do these things, I may have felt like it, but I wasn't, I CHOOSE to sin. That terrifies me. Because I deserve hell and God, his anger terrifies me. This passage is pretty clear what he thinks of those who do what I did and I don't want to have his vengeance poured out on me. But at the same time I didn't WANT to do this. When I saw this happening, when I KNEW it was about to happen. I went into my bathroom and just started praying, praying that God would help me, do something, straight up telling him " I don't want to do this God, I don't want to do this, but I DO want to do this and I don't WANT to want to do this" and stuff like that. I got on my computer and shot messages and emails to several telling them to pray for me, to help me, hoping with everything in me someone would respond and be able to hold my attention for long enough to get ahold of myself. Because when it comes to lust, I'm a mess. I see red, when I get there, all I can think about , all I can desire, is a woman. Not just sexually, but it manefest itself as sexual desire. I act like someone possessed, though I'm not possessed I"m choosing my actions. I sat down, I started voice chatting with her, laughed with her at the awkwardness, and then started doing it with her, and I liked it. It felt good. I wish I could at least say it felt bad, its the best thing Ive experienced in my life in a long time and I HATE that, I HATE that I can honestly say that. I crave intimacy, and Ive never been in love, and lash out any way I can to get anything that remotely resembles it.
I care for this woman, she is a friend of over 6 months, who has been there for me through some crap, and frankly she is dealing with some stuff to. I can't j ust say "welp, see ya" to her, for many reasons, its just not something I can honestly do to someone who I care for as a friend.
I don't want to do this, but I do it. How can I ever lead a church, when Ive committed such sins. I didn't commit them before I was saved, I even committed them AFTER my call to ministry and accepting that call and starting to work towards it.
Worst of all though, is my lack of faith. Last year I was getting absolutely eaten up inside because I wanted a wife and I felt like it was impossible for me with my health I prayed a bunch about it, and one day was literally crying in prayer because of how alone I felt. God VERBALLY told me I would get married, never had that happen before or since in regards to anything Ive ever spoken to God about. Not verbally, not with words, I don't know if it was audible but the fact that I have to question if it was or not shows how clearly God spoke. But instead of being faithful and patient and waiting I instead run to porn and women online who are willing to do something with me. I have to carry the baggage of all these things Ive done into whatever future marriage I have all because I was to unfaithful to God to take him at his word and wait.
I don't know how I could ever lead a church, or for that matter lead anyone. I don't know how I can speak for truth. I know whats right, guys I'm going to be honest Ive been very blessed with the ability to clearly understand scriptures in a very strong way, its easy for me to logically break them down to show what it says, and I'm very much concerned with maintaining my intellectual integrity in the process. However I have almost no actual integrity in LIVING it, at least in the area of intimacy. Physical pain? I can take. Death? I will willingly walk to. Starvation? Ive experienced it and will do so again if its where God sends me. But I cannot seem to be able to control myself in regards to this burning desire for emotional intimacy first and physical intimacy second. I feel like a starving man who has food placed in front of him, I devour it regardless of its Good food or not. I'm a hypocrite, and I'm afraid that everything I know to truth may be a lie , and that I'm not saved, or Ive chosen to throw away my salvation for sin. Even if I have, even if I'm damned to hell I'll spend the rest of my life on earth serving God best I can, but I really AM afraid that God is done with me. That Ive denyed him one to many times, denied his lordship, denied the direction of the holy spirit. Chosen to sin, chosen to lead others into sin. I'm scared I will corrupt anyone around me, especially in regards to ministry, I'm scared any woman God DID bring to me I would corrupt her. If I'm going to be honest I think everyone should stay away from me, I may have wisdom but I lack the self control to apply it, and that makes me a fool. A dangerous, corrupted fool who will lead others astray from God, and that scares me so much, that my actions could cause others to stray away or never come to God. Even if I'm damned for hell I don't want to take another soul with me.