I really need some help and honest advice.....

This is my first post on this site, and I'm not sure where to begin Please forgive me if this is long as I feel like to get the best help I have to share everything thats going on. I was born again about three years ago and was baptized in the holy spirit about a year and a half ago give or take. Without going into many details, I went to prison for writing bad checks for 2 years. I lost everything, my friends, the people I loved, everything. I was terrified. I was completely abandoned. But on my way to prison, I started praying to THE LORD. When I got to prison, I read as much of the bible as I could, since most of my life I had never really cared to read it. I started with a small new testament bible that had proverbs and psalms. I started to see the wisdom that book had in it and I started to read more and more. I spent most of my time praying and reading the bible. I was locked in a cell for receiving for 105 days, and I confessed to THE LORD everything I had ever done. I gave my life to HIM and devoted as much time to reading the bible as possible. I asked HIM to bring this person that I had hurt some much in my life back to me for one purpose, to confess everything I had ever done to her. THE LORD did. And I did, I confessed every lie I could ever think of that I had ever told her. And this one person ended up becoming the only person who wrote me and I got to talk to on the phone at all. I had no one but THE LORD and HIS WORD. Well, I gave my life to Jesus I had thought at the time, and then I tried to stop doing all the bad things that I did because I didn't know any better. I really didn't have a pastor to tell me what I should have done or not done, but eventually, one day, as I was reading the bible, I saw in Matthew 11:28-32 where Jesus said, "Come unto me all yea that are tired and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you find rest for your souls, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light". That scripture kept coming back to me and I knew that the rest HE was talking about in there was not physical rest. It was something much deeper, something I had never known before. One night, I was so distraught over me committing sin and not being able to stop I was going to throw a radio that I had used to listen to christian music with, across the room, but I decided not too. Then I finally gave up. I asked THE LORD to forgive me of ever sin I had ever committed and I gave HIM everything, my life, my mistakes, my knowledge, everything. The only thing I asked of HIM was that HE showed me how much HE loved me. I had longed for love on the inside me all of my life, and this void was in me for all of my life. But at that moment, A love so great and a peace, and joy and rest and ecstasy I had never felt in my life entered in through my mouth and for a day and a half I felt this great love I had never felt before. The next morning, when I woke up, the sun was up, and I put the covers over me, but something on the inside of me hated the darkness, so I pulled the covers off of me, and when I looked towards the sun light, I felt my new born again spirit man rejoicing at the light. I didn't know what that meant, so I had to go to the chow hall to eat food with the rest of the inmates. And I had cursed, and for the first time, something on the inside of me didn't like that and I asked THE LORD to forgive me, and I felt that love again. Well, one night, I was tempted to touch, and I was thinking about giving in to it, but something on the inside of me said "no, no !" And I gave into it. And then that love I felt left. I was so saddened by that, that I cried the entire night....and I have not felt that love to that extent but once later on. Well, long story short after that I backslid and came back to god, and then backslid again. Well, long story short, which this story is long sorry, I ended up getting out of prison and THE LORD took care of me. HE gave me a job, right out of prison, at this hotel where I work night shift as the manager. I got a free apartment in the back, got on food stamps everything. But for the last year and a half, I slipped back into my old ways of doing things. I used to read THE WORD all the time and pray when I was in prison, but I slowly but surely started going back to the way I used to be. I started justifying sin, I tried to go back to the bible and repent, but I always seem to go right back and do the things I did before. I feel horrible all the time, like there is something oppressing me, and I cry out to god to take it away and confess every sin that I know of, but this thing that I feel keeps coming back. I know it is not physical, it has to be spiritual, and I have used THE NAME OF JESUS several times and it goes away but it comes back. I ahv't been to church now in way too long, and I get up every day and ask THE LORD to help me and HE does. IDK what to do. The scripture keeps coming back that if a christian falls away and gets entangled into the things he did at first then it would have been better for him to never know the way of righteousness. In him is the proverb spoken of that a swine returns to the mud and a dog to his vomit.
Another thing is, when I got out of prison, me and the woman I mentioned got on our knees before god and commited ourselves to each other and had our own wedding service. But we started sleeping togething, and I feel obligated to stay with her because of the commitment I made to THE LORD concerning her, and everytime we have sex i feel defiled for days on end and that bad feeling i feel becomes almost unbareable. I really havn't even explained all of whats going on, and I will if someone asks, but I really miss THE LORD and want to come back to HIM but I feel like im rejected and Im going to be on of the ones HE looks at and goes get away from me I never knew you you worker of iniquity. I really miss HIS love and I really need prayer, and advice, please help......

You are correct ! I have been letting my flesh dominate my spirit. I used to pray in tounges for a long time during the day when I was in prison. I had quit doing that so much because i felt horrible when I start to do it because it feels like something is fighting me to keep me from doing that. When I used to pray in tounges, I would be able to minister to people very well and I've noticed a lack of power in my life to overcome certain temptations. Today I screwed up bad and I regret it. I didn't pray in tounges today at all not have I spent much time in prayer. One of my biggest issues is covetousness and it gets me in a lot of trouble because I keep buying things and selling things just to buy other things. I know if I spend time in prayer and in tounges it would fix a lot of these issues. It's just hard because I feel ashamed at what I've done and my consistent disobedience to THE LORD. I feel like coming to HIM HE will be very angry at me because I've known not to do a lot of the things I've done, but I keep going back to him so I feel very ashamed and condemned. That's a big issue as to why I don't pray in tounges or spend a lot of time in prayer.

AGTG said:

It appears you are in your flesh instead of in the Spirit. You are born again, which means you are a new creation. You have a spirit person which will always be obedient to the Holy Spirit, as it is betrothed to Him.

But, you still have the old man to deal with. Paul talks "putting off" the old man. What he means is we need to mortify this flesh so that the the Spirit of the Lord will reign over our spirit person, who like any good wife is ready to be submissive and obedient to her Husband.

How do we mortify the flesh? There are a number of ways:

- praying daily (be disciplined, do it even if you don't feel like it)
- studying His Word daily (again, be disciplined, even if you don't feel like it)
- walking out your ministry calling (God will guide you to it, if you're not sure. Perhaps prison ministry?)
- fasting regularly (this is a huge one, as it disempowers our flesh over our body) The 1st century Jews fasted two days a week (overnight) and I'm betting that would be sufficient to get the momentum rolling.
- praying in tongues (don't be afraid to be radical about this, as I believe the 1st century church was radical about praying in tongues. 1+ hours a day will strengthen you against spiritual attacks and will also bring forth revelation knowledge as you study His Word. You can do this while washing dishes, making breakfast, driving to work, etc... It's not like praying to God. This is for self-edification. Then, like Jude says in verses 20-21, you will "keep yourself in the love of God."

You see, your spirit person is kind of like your flesh person. Your physical body needs to eat. If it doesn't eat, it gets hungry. But like many of Jesus' teachings, they are quite opposite to what the natural way of thinking would go, no? Indeed, your spirit person will get stronger and hungrier the more you do the things I've mentioned. It's the exact opposite for your spirit person to grow strong.

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Thank you so much for all your advice ! Please keep me in your prayers ! My names Cody by the way. AGTG your advice was dead on. Thank you so much !

Is it normal to continually go back and forth and walk in the flesh and sin, and then to go and ask THE LORD to forgive you and still feel condemned for what you did even after asking for forgiveness ? Some of the things I've done I feel condemned about, but for some reason I keep messing up and I hate it. The messed up part is, I want to change, but I keep messing up one way or the other. And I know it's the flesh doing it, my spirit doesn't agree at all with what I've been doing and I keep going to THE LORD and asking forgiveness, but I keep feeling condemned about it, so what do I do ?

And to answer a few questions, I don't go to church all the time because i'm working, but I really, really want to go. But the church I want to go to I can't because it is way to far from where I live......