This is going to be long because its basically my life story but I need to know if I'm saved, and if not how I can be saved as I've called on Christs name while weeping bitterly for him to save me. I don't know where I stand with Christ and it's really disturbing me.
I was saved on mothers day when I was eight or nine when my parents asked me if I wanted to walk the isle and receive Christ. I did it not knowing why I was walking the isle and I had the whole salvation thing explained to me about how Jesus died on the cross for my sins. I didn't understand it but I prayed the prayer for salvation. After that I was informed in the car by my parents that I was going to heaven because of it. The joy I felt could not be matched by anything I've felt before or sense. My life changed after that in a drastic way. I found that I couldn't get enough of Church or the Bible, and that I absolutely loved Jesus Christ from the depths of my heart. I found that I had a genuine love for people as well where I didn't before, and that when I sinned I felt grieved inside of my heart. If the biggest evidence of salvation is change in ones life noticeable by all I did change in a drastic way. However that all changed when I read in the Bible the part where Jesus says there is an unpardonable sin. This shook me to my core and though I didn't know it at the time I suffer from OCD and it wasn't long before I had invasive thoughts which later led to words. After this my faith in my salvation was shaken. I kept asking Christ to forgive me of my sins and weeped uncontrollably in my room begging for Gods forgiveness to the point where my parents would come up and try to console me. The way I would know if God forgave me of my sin was from a feeling of being cleansed of my sin via Holy Spirit. I kept praying and praying and begging and begging for gods forgiveness time and time again and one day God drew his spirit away from me completely and I thought forever that I was damned.
I went on following God through my middle school years even though I thought I was going to hell because I truly loved God and had an undying loyalty to him and I hoped if I followed him he would forgive me. Unfortunately without the presence of God to keep me in check I fell into sin. Because I have aspergers syndrome I was mercilessly picked on in school and ended up developing and foul mouth full of cursing to combat these people and I became addicting to swearing. Also I starting looking at pornography and masturbating and fell into sexual sin that continues to this day (though I've stopped looking at porn.) The time eventually came when I came to high school and fell hopelessly in love with a girl. I asked God to give me this woman to which I was told no. Then I asked God to give me any woman at all as my girlfriend as I'm someone with aspergers and my defective personality makes me unattractive to women. I got no answer and then my unsureness of God turned into outright rebellion. After pleading for so many years for God to give me back his prescence and to give me a girlfriend I rebelled and went on horrible and despicable tirades against God. I cursed him, his spirit and everything about him because I felt that he didn't love me, and that no one did. I felt like God had made me his whipping boy and that he set me up for failure from the beginning. My rebellion went for many years and I felt the prescence of God move further from me still if that makes since. Soon, I stopped rreading the Bible and felt little grief over my sin, but something still inside of me wanted to return to God.
I offered prayer after prayer to God begging for his forgiveness, that he would have mercy on me and bring me back to his presence. When I would get no answer I would then go on tirades against God and then immediately beg his forgiveness for what I had just done. God answered me one day in college that I was to go on a mission trip to Nicaragua, so I went. There I made friends with many people filled with the spirit of God who told me that yes I can be forgiven for my sins and that God still wants to save me. I came from that land rejoicing that God still cared about me, but I had dragged my family into my sin and they in turn dragged me back into it.
Two years passed until God spoke again though a pastor that I must repent of my sins and that God is still giving me time to repent. So I repented of my sins and am now trying my best to stop sinning, have communion with fellow believers, and to read the bible daily, and pray to God. My problem is that I'm failing in my fight with sin. I still touch sometimes, I still swear a lot. I'm ashamed to say I have racist tendencies, and I sin barbarically through my heart. I feel like a slave to sin who cannot stop sinning. Recently I've been watching sermons through that internet pastor I mentioned earlier that if a Christian falls into sin and lives in a continuous state of sin, he is not really saved. I want desperately to be one of Gods children but I don't have the passion for God that I used to have, I don't have the love for Christ I used to have, and I am enslaved to sin. I don't know if my salvation as a child was genuine though it seemed like it in every way. I call on God over and over again to save me and it doesn't work, I am never regenerated. Please help me, I want to know if I'm saved, and if not I wan't to know how to be saved. I would trade everything in this world in a second for Jesus so why isn't he saving me? What do I do? I know he wants to because he is very clearly speaking to me. How do I get the presence of God back, how am I to be saved?