i need help

aGiRliNnEEdoFhElP · Aug 1, 2006

hi i am new to this forum. but i figured i would get some advice. i was with my ex for 5 years, and the first 4 years it was great, but then towards the end i noticed him going out all the time, sometimes inviting me but normally just going out with friends. then his mood changed and with being with him for so long i knew something was going on. one day he told me that he loved me but he didnt know if he was in love with me(i hate that saying) i begged and pleaded but he had made up his mind. after 5 years my whole life was crumbling down on top of me and there was nothing i could do. i moved out of our apartment, and turned off my cell phone i had with him, the last thing we had that tied us together.
i thought i was moving on with my life, but always in the back of my mind and in my heart he would always be, i started hanging out with new friends, going out having a good time. still kept in touch with him but only to say hey and see how things were going.... when we split i told him that no matter what happen with us all i was, was a phone call away and i would drop everything to help him. 2 months past and then he was calling lets hang out i miss you i wanna see you. so everyonce in a while we would hang out. one day he told me to stop hanging with my new friends that he wanted to hang out i told him i already had plans and his responce was oh i guess he is more important than me. then i was having trouble where i was living so he told me to come home i moved back but just as roommates nothing more. the next couple of weeks HE was acting like things were back to normal he kissed me told me he loved me(all this time i wasnt letting myself get attached again). then a month past and he changed again. and now its i dont know what i want anymore. my heart and emotions cant take this anymore, but i love him so much that i would do anything for him. well after he told me this i found out that i am pregnant. and everyone(not him) is telling me if you have this baby you will ruin his life for good. you need to abort it (which i am totally against, i feel god gave me this baby for a reason) what should i do? i dont want to lose him. maybe god gave me this baby to make him grow up. please help with advice.

thanks
girlinneedofhelp

MrsSeptemberPenguin · Aug 1, 2006

I'll be praying for you hun, and I'm here if you want someone to talk to. Do not abort this baby because God did give it to you for a reason, what that reason is I can't say. You also need to pray for your ex a ton. The kid is his responsibility to. I know you don't want to lose him, but maybe that is what is best, and trust me, I hate it when people say that. But it is true. Spend a lot of time praying and feel free to IM or PM me any time.

aGiRliNnEEdoFhElP · Aug 1, 2006

squirrelz_15 said:
I'll be praying for you hun, and I'm here if you want someone to talk to. Do not abort this baby because God did give it to you for a reason, what that reason is I can't say. You also need to pray for your ex a ton. The kid is his responsibility to. I know you don't want to lose him, but maybe that is what is best, and trust me, I hate it when people say that. But it is true. Spend a lot of time praying and feel free to IM or PM me any time.

i know alot of people tell me that and i want to but now that i am tied to him with this baby. i want to be with him so much more now. i dont want my baby to come into this world like i did, with your dad not wanting you. how will i explain that to my baby, "oh sweetie daddy would rather go out with his friends than be with you and mommy"

Beautiful Fireball · Aug 2, 2006

aGiRliNnEEdoFhElP said:
hi i am new to this forum. but i figured i would get some advice. i was with my ex for 5 years, and the first 4 years it was great, but then towards the end i noticed him going out all the time, sometimes inviting me but normally just going out with friends. then his mood changed and with being with him for so long i knew something was going on. one day he told me that he loved me but he didnt know if he was in love with me(i hate that saying) i begged and pleaded but he had made up his mind. after 5 years my whole life was crumbling down on top of me and there was nothing i could do. i moved out of our apartment, and turned off my cell phone i had with him, the last thing we had that tied us together.
i thought i was moving on with my life, but always in the back of my mind and in my heart he would always be, i started hanging out with new friends, going out having a good time. still kept in touch with him but only to say hey and see how things were going.... when we split i told him that no matter what happen with us all i was, was a phone call away and i would drop everything to help him. 2 months past and then he was calling lets hang out i miss you i wanna see you. so everyonce in a while we would hang out. one day he told me to stop hanging with my new friends that he wanted to hang out i told him i already had plans and his responce was oh i guess he is more important than me. then i was having trouble where i was living so he told me to come home i moved back but just as roommates nothing more. the next couple of weeks HE was acting like things were back to normal he kissed me told me he loved me(all this time i wasnt letting myself get attached again). then a month past and he changed again. and now its i dont know what i want anymore. my heart and emotions cant take this anymore, but i love him so much that i would do anything for him. well after he told me this i found out that i am pregnant. and everyone(not him) is telling me if you have this baby you will ruin his life for good. you need to abort it (which i am totally against, i feel god gave me this baby for a reason) what should i do? i dont want to lose him. maybe god gave me this baby to make him grow up. please help with advice.

thanks
girlinneedofhelp

I'm not gonna say that I know how it feels to go what you're going through, because I don't, but my heart truly goes out to you. Have you told him that you are pregnant? I couldn't tell from your post. Anyway, it seems that this guy does not know what he wants and it is probably better if you cut things off with him romantically. Now, if he wants to be in the baby's life, then he has every right, but I honestly think that you need to reevaluate your relationship with him. Do not abort this baby, God gave it you for a reason, and you need to do what you want and what God wants. Not what everyone else is telling you. If you feel that you are not ready to be a mother there is also the option of putting the baby up for adoption. I think that this guy needs to grow up, and maybe a baby will help him do that, but probably not. You need to do what is best for you and your baby, and not be so concerned about this guy. Yes, it hurts, and it is probably one of the most difficult decisions you will ever have to make, but you just gotta do it. You will be in my prayers, and please PM me if you ever wanna talk.

princessellie · Aug 2, 2006

hunny, im glad you know that god has given you this little blessing, does he know you are pregnant? alot of the time the guy will freak out when things arent planned, i know my bf did when we had a scare a few weeks back, dont worry about having to tell your little one why daddy isnt around (if that ends up being the situation) because god will show you what to do.

guys dont react the same way to these situations as us girls do they freak out i have delt with this myself and with friends, give him time to process it, it took my friends bf 3 months to warm to the idea and stop freaking

all you can do is pray over it sweetie, there is nothing else you can do, you cant change your feeling and you cant change his, you just need to trust in god and that he will lead you to where you need to go

Inperfected · Aug 2, 2006

Sweetheart... I hate to say it but the BEST thing you can do is to move out... Give this situation saome space, he may come around and love you again, but he may not. I know a lovely christian girl who got pregnant, and when her baby was a few months old she met a man lovelier than her ex. Needless to say, they are married with another child also.. I'm praying for you, but you need to tell him, and also move out so he can make his mind up for good.

And hold your ground... Tell him it is one way or the other. For good, not just today and tomorrow. A child is better with one parent, than two who are friends with "benefits".

aGiRliNnEEdoFhElP · Aug 2, 2006

i know all of you are right, but why does he continue to play with my emoutions and heart. i sit back and think to myself i could never treat him the way he has treated me in the past 3 months, (i love you i dont love you i want to be with you i dont want to be with you) it hurts, to know the guy you love and will always love doesnt know if he loves you. which this has happen before he broke up with me to see what else was out there, and once he found out the grass wasnt greener on the other side he came back.

eatenbylocusts · Aug 2, 2006

You might want to read the book Boundaries in Dating by Townsend. You told him yourself that you would always be there for him so he can treat you the way that he is. He doesn't have to worry that you will get sick of the way he is treating you-you'll always be there. You have heard that love is a decision, haven't you? Apparently this guy doesn't know this.

Secondly, you're on a Christian board asking for help, but I need to ask, "Are you a Christian-someone who has asked Jesus into their heart?" You acknowledge God, but are living with a man and having sex outside of marriage, but your post didn't seem to indicate that you saw a problem with that lifestyle. Abortion shouldn't even be something you should be considering and you need some real life people to counsel you with Godly advice instead of telling you to kill the baby because it might put a crimp in your bf's life. If you're not plugged into a church that should be your priority. Also I would suggest you look for a pregnancy crisis line/center. Adoption may be an option for you-I think that is one of the most selfless and difficult things a mom can do, but what a gift!
All of us who have ever had sex outside of marriage have probably considered the situation you are in now. You need to get your spiritual life in order first and see what God tells you about your bf. He needs to know about the baby asap, but marriage may not be the best for all involved, especially if he's not a Christian.

aGiRliNnEEdoFhElP · Aug 2, 2006

we are both christians and we have a church home. yes i have asked god into my heart and i live my life for him. i know by me living with my bf and us not being married is wrong. but like i said up until this past year we planned on getting married march of 2007. and i know i told him i would be there for him no matter what but serioulsly if the tables were turned he wouldnt want me doing this to him. he knows about the baby.

ByLoveAndGrace · Aug 2, 2006

Wow, sounds like you got yourself into a mess. Well, first and foremost, make sure that you are allowing God to lead you. Secondly, what is he saying right now? Is he saying he loves you right now? Does he want this baby? (I'm not saying that he has a choice.) This is a tough situation. Other than that, I cannot give much more advice.

aGiRliNnEEdoFhElP · Aug 2, 2006

yeah i know i got myself in a mess, ive prayed so much about this and ive asked god to show me what he wants me to do. he loves me and he said he will always love me he just doesnt know what he wants right now, and thats what he said a month ago,but now that i a pregnant, he said he doesnt want me to have an abortion b/c we are both against it. its just here in the past couple of days his mom told me that if we have this baby i will ruin his life for good. and i asked him if he told her taht and he said no i would never say that about you. so i dont know if it just his mom saying that b/c about a year and a half ago. he was trying to get into school and his parents told him that if he broke up with me they would pay for his schooling taht i wasnt good enough for him and that he could do so much better. which tore me up inside, he told them "well i guess me going to college is out of the question then" which meant so much to me.

ByLoveAndGrace · Aug 2, 2006

aGiRliNnEEdoFhElP said:
yeah i know i got myself in a mess, ive prayed so much about this and ive asked god to show me what he wants me to do. he loves me and he said he will always love me he just doesnt know what he wants right now, and thats what he said a month ago,but now that i a pregnant, he said he doesnt want me to have an abortion b/c we are both against it. its just here in the past couple of days his mom told me that if we have this baby i will ruin his life for good. and i asked him if he told her taht and he said no i would never say that about you. so i dont know if it just his mom saying that b/c about a year and a half ago. he was trying to get into school and his parents told him that if he broke up with me they would pay for his schooling taht i wasnt good enough for him and that he could do so much better. which tore me up inside, he told them "well i guess me going to college is out of the question then" which meant so much to me.

If he didn't say that, then I would trust that he didn't say it. It sounds to me like that's a parent issue. But I agree with keeping the baby. That's a smart decision. Continue relying on God. He'll give you answers, even if they aren't the ones you want.

eatenbylocusts · Aug 2, 2006

Are there some mature, praying Christians at your church that you can ask to intervene for you. I mean in prayer and advising the two of you separately and together. A married couple would be ideal. I would imagine that they would advise your bf that this would be the time to decide once and for all if he's going to be your husband.
If the two of you are compatible and since you're both Christians I would imagine that he would be counseled to step up, be a man and marry you and get ready to be a dad. He's been "in love" with you before so it's only a matter of him growing up and deciding to love you forever. He really needs a godly man to counsel him right now and I will be praying that one comes through.
I strongly recommend that you find an extensive pre-marriage course to prepare the two of you for a successful marriage. Please do this before the baby is born. If you feel comfortable PM me with your names so I can pray for you two by name. I'll be praying.

PjC23565 · Aug 2, 2006

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