I like a guy, how do I get to know him better?

sweetmercy · Apr 20, 2006

Someone help, I need some dating advice!

I work as a receptionist, and there's a client at work that I've developed a little bit of a crush on. We chat quite a bit whenever he comes in (I usually see him about twice a week) and he seems like a very nice guy (and yes, he's a Christian ). Some of my coworkers think he's interested in me too. I'd really like to get to know him better, but I won't ask him out because 1) I'm at work and 2) I'd rather be pursued than to do the pursuing. He's quite shy and seems like he's the type of guy who would find it hard to ask a girl out. Actually, I don't even want a "date", I just want to go for coffee to get to know him better and see if he's someone I'd be interested in (okay, maybe that's a date, but I'm not talking in a romantic sense since I hardly know him) So, what can I do to let him know I'm interested? How obvious should I be? Should I just go for it and nonchalantly ask him to go for coffee? Ahh, these things are so complicated
Thanks a bunch!
Jen

Beauty4Ashes · Apr 20, 2006

maybe ask him to an event with a group of your friends...less pressure

JeremiahJ · Apr 20, 2006

Take a step back in your thinking. That's what I would do. I don't think you're to the point yet where you should think about it as "pursuing" him (if you're using the term how it is often used). Pursue a friendship with him. There's nothing wrong or abnormal about a girl and a guy spending time together as friends. Ask him out for coffee. Not like a date. Like going out for coffee. Don't worry about letting him know you're interested. Just be interested in being his friend, and see where things go. It's dangerous to start off being interested in dating eachother. At least, many people have been burned by that. Anyway, this post felt like a huge ramble... hope there was something of use in it!

JPPT1974 · Apr 20, 2006

First it is important to get to know him
As a friend first and foremost
And what he likes and dislikes
Also what he wants to know about you
What you like and dislike

sweetmercy · Apr 20, 2006

JPPT1974 said:
First it is important to get to know him
As a friend first and foremost
And what he likes and dislikes
Also what he wants to know about you
What you like and dislike

Thank you for your advice. I agree, and I want to get to know these things about him. My problem is, how do I go about doing that? When I'm working I have very limited time with him, as I'm constantly interrupted, and I'd like to get to know him outside of an employee/client setting. I'm just not sure whether it would be cool or not for me to invite him to go for coffee, or just leave it compltely in his hands to ask when and if he wants to.

I also agree with JeremiahJ, that I need to only think about being friends first. I've been burned before by jumping into a relationship too quickly, without having a solid foundation first.

But, how to make that first step into friendship....

Thanks again!

Jenster · Apr 20, 2006

I think the role of the woman in dating is to make it known that she is available for a date. If you can steer the conversation toward "fun things to do," then when he mentions something he enjoys, you can ask him questions about it and eventually say, "Oh, now that's something I've always wanted to do. Maybe we could do it together sometime."

If he's got any interest at all, he should follow up with you afterward.

I did that with my ex. There were some events coming up in town, and we talked about them and I said, "Oh! That sounds like fun. Let me know if you're going." And two weeks later ... he asked me to go!

~HopeFloats~ · Apr 20, 2006

JMHO but...

If you is assoiciated with your work at all I would not even dream of crossing those boundries..

In general though-- when I want to get to know a guy I just start with a Hi and just chit chat that usally works up to coffeee or a pop and from there well he should get the hint..

sherri · Apr 20, 2006

Jenster said:
I think the role of the woman in dating is to make it known that she is available for a date. If you can steer the conversation toward "fun things to do," then when he mentions something he enjoys, you can ask him questions about it and eventually say, "Oh, now that's something I've always wanted to do. Maybe we could do it together sometime."

If he's got any interest at all, he should follow up with you afterward.

I did that with my ex. There were some events coming up in town, and we talked about them and I said, "Oh! That sounds like fun. Let me know if you're going." And two weeks later ... he asked me to go!

Thats probably what I would try and do too. Or maybe figure out something I was going to like a church event or hike, something non-threatening with other people and then just go on about how much fun it'll be and try and kind of look welcoming/meaningfully and vaguely at him. lol (not that I've ever actually tried this of course but hey - in theory it should work)

If you're meaningful enough, he'll realise you're interested but you won't have to actually ask him out and if you're vague enough - he can refuse and you won't be hurt because it'll look like 'just an idea off the top of your head'. The vague thing will also help if he doesn't turn out the kind of guy you actually really want a relationship with but want to keep his friendship.

HotToast · Apr 20, 2006

BlessedJourney said:
JMHO but...

If you is assoiciated with your work at all I would not even dream of crossing those boundries..

Just because you met him at work I wouldn't let that stop you unless:
a. You're work place has a policy against dating clients.
b. You are directly profiting from his business or the like(but it sounds like you are not, as you are the
c. You work in a psychiatrist's office .

I forget the figures, but a large number of people do meet their partners at work (Hey, there are only a limited number of places that you are going to meet people when your life is busy).

Your idea of asking him out to coffee sounds fine.

Good luck.

PrincessFromOz · Apr 20, 2006

Next time you shake hands with him, or give him a receipt, or whatever, slip a piece of paper into his hand with love hearts, "call me!", and your phone number on it! haha... just joking, although I have contemplated it some times.

Seriously: I reckon sometimes showing a little extra interest in how his day was, what he's up to, what's happening in his life, generally gets the message across.

But it is frustrating if guys don't want to take the plunge... however if he is really interested hopefully he'll realise it's worth the risk

mwb · Apr 21, 2006

I agree with Jenster & BlessedJourney's advice.

I'd try to find a third party who can talk to him. But the fact that most people you both deal with are connected with work, it might be difficult.

Or find out if there are any company functions where clients are invited. Then you can chat a little but be careful of mixing business & pleasure.

sweetmercy · Apr 21, 2006

HotToast said:
Just because you met him at work I wouldn't let that stop you unless:
a. You're work place has a policy against dating clients.
b. You are directly profiting from his business or the like(but it sounds like you are not, as you are the
c. You work in a psychiatrist's office .

I forget the figures, but a large number of people do meet their partners at work (Hey, there are only a limited number of places that you are going to meet people when your life is busy).

Your idea of asking him out to coffee sounds fine.

Good luck.

Yeah, the work thing really isn't a problem, my boss is pretty relaxed about that sort of thing. I just don't want any awkward situations with clients at work, if for example, I were to ask him to go for coffee and he said no lol.

As another poster said, I should just go out of my way to be friendly and show interest in his life, which is what I generally so. I guess that's about all I can do, huh?

mwb · Apr 21, 2006

Of course you could have your boss put in a good word for you........

eatenbylocusts · Apr 21, 2006

Is your church having anything interesting coming up that you could mention to him? My second church has a great singles ministry so if I was in your situation I would be inviting him to that.

I will never take the pursuing position again. The guy was 47, but I think I scared him out of his mind.

JeremiahJ · Apr 21, 2006

My goodness. This just seems to me like an overcomplication of a simple situation. If you want to be friends with someone and get to know them better, ask them to spend time with you. Ask him out for coffee. I just don't see any reason why the guy has to be the initiator of the friendship. If he says no, then at least you asked, he knows you're interested in developing a relationship with him, and you can stop worrying about it. Personally, I can't imagine saying no to anyone who asked me out for coffee.*

*Note. I'm a big fan of coffee.

fieldmouse3 · Apr 21, 2006

This is a great thread. I'm in (somewhat) of a similar situation, so the advice is beneficial for me as well.

Tenorvoice · Apr 21, 2006

JeremiahJ said:
Take a step back in your thinking. That's what I would do. I don't think you're to the point yet where you should think about it as "pursuing" him (if you're using the term how it is often used). Pursue a friendship with him. There's nothing wrong or abnormal about a girl and a guy spending time together as friends. Ask him out for coffee. Not like a date. Like going out for coffee. Don't worry about letting him know you're interested. Just be interested in being his friend, and see where things go. It's dangerous to start off being interested in dating eachother. At least, many people have been burned by that. Anyway, this post felt like a huge ramble... hope there was something of use in it!

Great Advice, this is what I would reccomend

Argent · Apr 21, 2006

I'm very much in the camp that believes a the guy should pursue the girl. If he's not ready to lead in dating/courtship how's he going to lead in marriage, and let's be honest: Marriage is what dating is all about.

Coffee or dinner or a movie or sharing a candybar on a park bench, it doesn't matter: If two people are "interested" in each other, IT'S A DATE!

OK, so you've sort of set your cap for a shy guy. So, it's OK to give him opportunites to ask you out.

Ask him lots of, but not too many, questions about his church and what he does for fun and his family.

Girl: "You're church has a lot of activities for it's members? Do you participate in most of them, or do you prefer to spend time with close friends?"

Boy: "Yeah, my church has a lot of ministries around town. I'm involved in a couple. I spend a few hours a week in a service project in the local shcools."

Girl: "Really? I thought about being a teacher when I was in highschool. I think kids are great fun."

Boy: "So, would you like to join us next Sat. We're painting some stuff at an elementary school with the PTA. We could always use extra hands?"

Girl: "That's sounds like fun and a good thing to do as ministry. I'd be happy too. When and where?"

and you've got a date.

JeremiahJ · Apr 21, 2006

Argent said:
I'm very much in the camp that believes a the guy should pursue the girl. If he's not ready to lead in dating/courtship how's he going to lead in marriage, and let's be honest: Marriage is what dating is all about.

I strongly agree. This is a very good point.

Argent said:
Coffee or dinner or a movie or sharing a candybar on a park bench, it doesn't matter: If two people are "interested" in each other, IT'S A DATE!

I disagree. I'm not sure how, after talking to you a few of times, you or he could know the other is a possible marriage candidate. A relationship has to be built first. Just because two people have some sort of attraction to each other that is different (not "better" or "beyond") than a friendship, doesn't mean they are prevented from building a friendship. I don't see a legitimate reason why hanging out with someone of the opposite sex is a date. The guy might not even have any interest in you. Who knows though? After hanging out for a few months he may develop one and then pursue you as a marriage partner. That's leading in a dating/courting relationship. Not asking someone to hang out.

Beauty4Ashes · Apr 22, 2006

JeremiahJ said:
I disagree. I'm not sure how, after talking to you a few of times, you or he could know the other is a possible marriage candidate. A relationship has to be built first. Just because two people have some sort of attraction to each other that is different (not "better" or "beyond") than a friendship, doesn't mean they are prevented from building a friendship. I don't see a legitimate reason why hanging out with someone of the opposite sex is a date. The guy might not even have any interest in you. Who knows though? After hanging out for a few months he may develop one and then pursue you as a marriage partner. That's leading in a dating/courting relationship. Not asking someone to hang out.

I second this. Those of you that know my situation understand why. Myself and the guy both like eachother but we are just friends and are going to get to know eachother better. . . when we hang out it's not a date even though we are interested in eachother.

I like a guy, how do I get to know him better?

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