My story starts in 2007. Actually we do visit my high school days so maybe it starts then.. SO 2007..
Finally i was getting somewhere. I had a Girlfriend, we lived together, she was.. ok?.. I had a new Job, the money was coming in faster than i could spend it! Things where good! well, apart from the weird dreams i was having but hay.. they where only every now and then.
several months go by, the dreams stopped but life had taken a bit of a strange turn, i wasnt into my Girlfriend anymore. she was getting on my nerves even.. wasn't finding life very satisfying. money was now going out quicker than in..
a few months of this go by, My girlfriend, and I found a new place together. but life was just so blah.. i was trying not to go home. trying to find things to do to keep busy. the dreams had started coming back. So weird. so vivid. but not very clear.. strange.
by the end of 2007 I finally did it. I only tried 3 times. maybe this time will stick. I broke up with my Girlfriend. unfortunately the tenancy agreement required us to stay for a full 2 months before we could leave. i couldn't afford rent on 2 places and didn't want to go live with mum. so we stayed in the same place. for 2 of the longest months of my life, Girlfriend sleeping on a mattress beside the bed. after the 1st month was over, I had stopped sleeping because the dreams had become to frequent and scary. I had slipped into a deep depression because living situation was so volatile and just plan horrible.
But there was some light on horizon, a new girl had peaked my interest! Maybe shes my escape!! We started dating shortly after i moved into a new flat with some friends. This is good! my dreams arent of what ever that other stuff was, im sleeping better...
a few months down the track, im back to square 1, the dreams started up again, and this time they where scarier than i could ever imagine, to the point where i would wake up crying. What did they mean! I was to scared to tell anyone and talk to anyone about it. i didnt want to remember them anyway. I had got drunk and ended up kissing another girl, and had to tell my girlfriend. she wasnt talking to me.
Then I had a thought.. ive become useless at work, always tired always sick, life just couldn't suck anymore. One of the flatmates was friends with the Ex so she was over all the time. My girlfriend hated me. Theres only one sure way to make the pain, the dreams end. and that's to kill myself. WOW, that would make everyone's lives so much better! im garbage anyway, no one will miss me at all! I'll do it! Ill end it all. Yeah! Things looked good, i knew the end was near! I should go have a bit of fun before i do this, I know!, my boss shouted me to a Christian Musical Event called "Parachute Music Festival" i'll go have some fun there..
now the event started Friday, but i had to work so i decided to go on Saturday, and it ended on Monday. Saturday i ended up with heat stroke and was very sick until late night... what am i doing here i though.. this is dumb. I decided i would stay and leave in the morning.. Sunday morning, everyone has to meet at the main-stage.. before breakfast. its hot smelly and im tired. i just want to go home. the band started playing, .. ok.. i'll just sit here in shade provided by my boss and his wife standing beside me... Why is that lady convulsing? is she ok? shes smiling.. that lady is crying but smiling.. that man is jumping and twitching but smiling, there faces are all say "Joy" whats Joy?.. "Lord? Hello? can you hear me? How do i feel like they do? (Bah who am i kidding that man screaming and everyone else is praying and yelling too, God cant hear me over them..)" My sunnies hid my tear welled eyes pretty good. another song, another sea of joy-filled faces, more seizure from that lady, that man is laughing hysterically.. "God... I need you..." (A tear escapes, i quickly wipe it away..)
The songs end, and a "Big chocolate american comes on stage. Reggie Dabbs" Haha, hes funny.. maybe this will be a bit of a laugh.. He starts telling his story.. IS he looking at me? No no.. he continues his story, i start feeling uncomfortable as he continued, what hes talking about, my dreams.. how does he know? Then he looks at me again, surely hes not looking at me.. I feel the welling up of tears break like a over filled dam, causing a salty river to begin flowing down my face.. Then Reggie asks. "Is there anyone here who would like to know the love of the Lord, would you be bold enough to stand!?" I was up in a shot! if i wasn't the first i was a close second.. On that day, in a sea of 30'000 people. God heard me.. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior.
Now i would love to say, that after that me and God walked side by side, have enjoyed everyday together. but i would be lying. The girlfriend had forgiven me and we started living together about a year later and about a year later, I ended up doing drugs, while on drugs one night i remember looking in the mirror, at myself, into my eyes, and saying "Im looking for God in the wrong place." Shortly after that I started going to church with my best friend.
Things at home had been rocky for a wee while, because i was staying up and me and the Girlfriend weren't really seeing eye to eye, especially about me attending Church.
One Sunday while worshipping i felt God nudge me, "Chris, the living situations has to be corrected. Marry her or don't" I know i wasn't going to marry her. so i had to end it with her. Once i had, i felt like God had Hit the Gas big time! he was Chiselling things off me big time! until one day God said, "Ok chris, its time to deal with this.. " "HOW DEAR YOU GOD! NO, i refuse to talk about that.. NO!!" i was so stubborn. a month or two went by and worship had became robotic. sometimes i would get into it more, but thats when i felt God gently whisper, "Chris, please.." "NO!" then one Sunday, i turner around and said to God "FINE! you want to talk about this lets go!!"
One of my biggest obstacles that i had to overcome, was the memory of being sexually abused when i was three. that's what all the dreams were. that's what all the memories that terrified me were about. God began working on me, fixing me, healing me. I was now able to connect with other men and made a few more friends. God revealed more of the memory, not of what had happened, but of other things, with this knowledge i was able to talk to my mother and ask her if this place existed. She was surprised i remembered that, i would have been 3, and we only visited it a few times. I have forgiven the person that did this to me, and I accepted that yes it happened to me, but it does not define who i am, cos in God i am strong!
I know that what we go though can be so tough! So scary! sometimes we just dont want to remember, or sometimes we dont want to deal with it, but God is there, keeping us safe. I remember watching "Lifehouse's Everything Skit" when i was struggling in the early stages of healing. It reminded me that.. it doesnt matter how far away we wander(Like me, I had started doing drugs, thats pretty far off the path God had for me.). How far away we feel from God, even in the worst of times, where life feels like its falling apart at the seams. God is there, Hes right there, He wants us to turn and trust in him, He loves us so much! and sure, its not gonna be a cake walk, sure we are going to stumble.. but God has our back! when we need it, hes going to hold all those things that tear us down back, to let us get back onto our feet.
God bless you all! Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
Finally i was getting somewhere. I had a Girlfriend, we lived together, she was.. ok?.. I had a new Job, the money was coming in faster than i could spend it! Things where good! well, apart from the weird dreams i was having but hay.. they where only every now and then.
several months go by, the dreams stopped but life had taken a bit of a strange turn, i wasnt into my Girlfriend anymore. she was getting on my nerves even.. wasn't finding life very satisfying. money was now going out quicker than in..
a few months of this go by, My girlfriend, and I found a new place together. but life was just so blah.. i was trying not to go home. trying to find things to do to keep busy. the dreams had started coming back. So weird. so vivid. but not very clear.. strange.
by the end of 2007 I finally did it. I only tried 3 times. maybe this time will stick. I broke up with my Girlfriend. unfortunately the tenancy agreement required us to stay for a full 2 months before we could leave. i couldn't afford rent on 2 places and didn't want to go live with mum. so we stayed in the same place. for 2 of the longest months of my life, Girlfriend sleeping on a mattress beside the bed. after the 1st month was over, I had stopped sleeping because the dreams had become to frequent and scary. I had slipped into a deep depression because living situation was so volatile and just plan horrible.
But there was some light on horizon, a new girl had peaked my interest! Maybe shes my escape!! We started dating shortly after i moved into a new flat with some friends. This is good! my dreams arent of what ever that other stuff was, im sleeping better...
a few months down the track, im back to square 1, the dreams started up again, and this time they where scarier than i could ever imagine, to the point where i would wake up crying. What did they mean! I was to scared to tell anyone and talk to anyone about it. i didnt want to remember them anyway. I had got drunk and ended up kissing another girl, and had to tell my girlfriend. she wasnt talking to me.
Then I had a thought.. ive become useless at work, always tired always sick, life just couldn't suck anymore. One of the flatmates was friends with the Ex so she was over all the time. My girlfriend hated me. Theres only one sure way to make the pain, the dreams end. and that's to kill myself. WOW, that would make everyone's lives so much better! im garbage anyway, no one will miss me at all! I'll do it! Ill end it all. Yeah! Things looked good, i knew the end was near! I should go have a bit of fun before i do this, I know!, my boss shouted me to a Christian Musical Event called "Parachute Music Festival" i'll go have some fun there..
now the event started Friday, but i had to work so i decided to go on Saturday, and it ended on Monday. Saturday i ended up with heat stroke and was very sick until late night... what am i doing here i though.. this is dumb. I decided i would stay and leave in the morning.. Sunday morning, everyone has to meet at the main-stage.. before breakfast. its hot smelly and im tired. i just want to go home. the band started playing, .. ok.. i'll just sit here in shade provided by my boss and his wife standing beside me... Why is that lady convulsing? is she ok? shes smiling.. that lady is crying but smiling.. that man is jumping and twitching but smiling, there faces are all say "Joy" whats Joy?.. "Lord? Hello? can you hear me? How do i feel like they do? (Bah who am i kidding that man screaming and everyone else is praying and yelling too, God cant hear me over them..)" My sunnies hid my tear welled eyes pretty good. another song, another sea of joy-filled faces, more seizure from that lady, that man is laughing hysterically.. "God... I need you..." (A tear escapes, i quickly wipe it away..)
The songs end, and a "Big chocolate american comes on stage. Reggie Dabbs" Haha, hes funny.. maybe this will be a bit of a laugh.. He starts telling his story.. IS he looking at me? No no.. he continues his story, i start feeling uncomfortable as he continued, what hes talking about, my dreams.. how does he know? Then he looks at me again, surely hes not looking at me.. I feel the welling up of tears break like a over filled dam, causing a salty river to begin flowing down my face.. Then Reggie asks. "Is there anyone here who would like to know the love of the Lord, would you be bold enough to stand!?" I was up in a shot! if i wasn't the first i was a close second.. On that day, in a sea of 30'000 people. God heard me.. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior.
Now i would love to say, that after that me and God walked side by side, have enjoyed everyday together. but i would be lying. The girlfriend had forgiven me and we started living together about a year later and about a year later, I ended up doing drugs, while on drugs one night i remember looking in the mirror, at myself, into my eyes, and saying "Im looking for God in the wrong place." Shortly after that I started going to church with my best friend.
Things at home had been rocky for a wee while, because i was staying up and me and the Girlfriend weren't really seeing eye to eye, especially about me attending Church.
One Sunday while worshipping i felt God nudge me, "Chris, the living situations has to be corrected. Marry her or don't" I know i wasn't going to marry her. so i had to end it with her. Once i had, i felt like God had Hit the Gas big time! he was Chiselling things off me big time! until one day God said, "Ok chris, its time to deal with this.. " "HOW DEAR YOU GOD! NO, i refuse to talk about that.. NO!!" i was so stubborn. a month or two went by and worship had became robotic. sometimes i would get into it more, but thats when i felt God gently whisper, "Chris, please.." "NO!" then one Sunday, i turner around and said to God "FINE! you want to talk about this lets go!!"
One of my biggest obstacles that i had to overcome, was the memory of being sexually abused when i was three. that's what all the dreams were. that's what all the memories that terrified me were about. God began working on me, fixing me, healing me. I was now able to connect with other men and made a few more friends. God revealed more of the memory, not of what had happened, but of other things, with this knowledge i was able to talk to my mother and ask her if this place existed. She was surprised i remembered that, i would have been 3, and we only visited it a few times. I have forgiven the person that did this to me, and I accepted that yes it happened to me, but it does not define who i am, cos in God i am strong!
I know that what we go though can be so tough! So scary! sometimes we just dont want to remember, or sometimes we dont want to deal with it, but God is there, keeping us safe. I remember watching "Lifehouse's Everything Skit" when i was struggling in the early stages of healing. It reminded me that.. it doesnt matter how far away we wander(Like me, I had started doing drugs, thats pretty far off the path God had for me.). How far away we feel from God, even in the worst of times, where life feels like its falling apart at the seams. God is there, Hes right there, He wants us to turn and trust in him, He loves us so much! and sure, its not gonna be a cake walk, sure we are going to stumble.. but God has our back! when we need it, hes going to hold all those things that tear us down back, to let us get back onto our feet.
God bless you all! Thank you for taking the time to read my story.