I Feel Bad About Something

When I say I feel bad, it's usually an every day occurrence over something related to God. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts (I was told I was possibly OCD, I kinda believe it). I'm really obsessive about God. I love learning more and more about Him. I am paranoid about doing something so deliberately wrong like blasphemy (that started when I was like 21 years old, I'm almost 30- there's a lot of cussing in my head, but I don't generally use words like that) or even taking the bible out of context like adding or taking away from scripture (Revelation scripture, am I understanding that?). Today, I am going to talk about the latter subject.

I feel like an idiot for even talking about this now.

So go back to about three years ago. My anxiety was through the roof. I had the intrusive thoughts. I had a lot of brain fog. I would randomly start crying. I'd start crying for no reason. Nerves? Sure. I remember I was in grad school and I'd get up and just go to the bathroom to cry because it felt like time to cry. No reason at all. I also had diarrhea all day for like a week. I thought I had a virus. A week later, I started Lexapro (been off of it for almost a year- feeling normal physically unlike before) for the first time ever. Last night, I found a FB message from 3 years ago right after I started taking those meds. My sister was trying to impress some men (online dating after she left her husband for no good reason). I told her like my friend told me years ago we need to be equally yoked. She asked what that meant. I said "just equal." Then she said something about "I think he's just better than me." I replied, "Hes not better than you. Equally yoked means that you are equal emotionally and spiritually. I see it to spread over into opinions and hobbies too. Basically gotta be meant to be." I have no idea why I explained it like this. I feel bad like I added or took away from the word which isn't what I was trying to do. I'm not sure if I knew what it really meant then, but I feel like I did. I think I Googled this when my friend mentioned being equally yoked, but I don't remember if I knew what it meant. When my friend told me that, I agreed because it seemed right to me- unless I thought it meant something else then and I can't remember that.

Sometimes I try to say the right thing and I end up saying the wrong thing. I wonder if I was just wrapped up in having one of those intrusive thoughts (sometimes I can think of "Jesus" or "saved" and those old thoughts come to mind fast) that I didn't say "it means both of you need to be saved to be equally yoked." I really think I would have said that if I knew that! I remember months, maybe a year (brain fog, so not sure) down the road that I think I didn't explain that right to her. I feel like I'm so wrong about it. I actually found the message last night because it came to my mind to overthink it. I even over Googled theology and thoughts about this. I've prayed about this before, but I feel so guilty now that I thought about it again. I tried to think it out because I started taking that medicine. I try to think if I mean:

Emotionally and spiritually - I really don't know why I said emotionally, but maybe because you feel the same way about God and being spiritually in Christ. I'm pretty sure I meant spiritually because of the faith and having the faith in Christ. I view us as more spiritual than religious since we have connection with Him in the Spirit. I actually had a friend who said he was not religious but spiritual who I knew to be a Christian in high school, not sure if he was legit, but I agree with the statement because religious things are not how we are saved. [I love this quote - "God is looking for spiritual fruit, not religious nuts!]

Opinions/hobbies - because two may not agree upon how things due to faith or even how they may live their lives. Things like politics, life choices, etc.

BOTTOM LINE: I prayed about this. I wonder why I explained like this. I feel like I said it wrong when today I know its unequally yoked if you are saved and the mate is not. I have researched it since because I had this short-term relationship where the guy claimed to be a believer. Honestly not sure if he really is one- split personality, damaged, PTSD from war. Over this message, I feel like I had this faint little thought come through my mind this morning telling me not to drag this around or worry about it today. I feel like that was God. I have felt fine mostly all day, but I wanted to open up to fellow brothers and sisters. I want someone to maturely and nicely talk to me about this. I feel like I need to overthink myself being wrong about the bible. I'm not trying to change or twist God's word. I'm not sure if you understand me because I'm just trying to recollect if I knew what I was talking about and just said the wrong thing by accident. I feel guilty about kinda misinterpreting.

Looking for encouragement. Thanks a million for reading.

-Carrico

Anthony2019 said:

Many people suffering from OCD will state that their obsessions are often associated with religious themes.
Obsessions are caused by excessive worrying, usually about the kind of things that are very important to that person. For a Christian, it is usually a positive indicator that the person has a very strong commitment to their faith. The fact they keep thinking about it all the time shows just how important it is to them. The problem is that the obsessions cause them to respond in fear rather than faith.
The answer is always to trust that there is nothing to fear. The God we love and serve is loving and compassionate, who understands all of our anxieties and difficulties. Take that step of faith and start to trust Him with the little things, and then watch Him take care of the bigger things.

Click to expand...

Thank you. I have never realized if I'm OCD down different avenues. I do have some characteristics on other things, but I'm just not too sure. I remember being saved, but sometimes I worry that I prayed wrong because I can't remember how I prayed. I remember what I was wearing. I remember looking down at my purple striped shirt- that being what I looked down at while I bowed my head. I know I placed faith in Jesus. I was at home and when we went to church during the invitation, I remember agreeing to what the pastor preached and that I already did that. It's like a constant overthinking battle in my head daily.