- Jul 11, 2009
- 52
- 22
- 46
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
- Politics
- US-Constitution
Hi,
To start out, I was very heavily abused when I was a child, to the point where a close family member who was an abuser tried to murder me, I assume to cover up what he was doing to me. Sexual abuse... Then I was molested by some peers, and then physically abused by the close family member again to the point of breaking my wrists/ribs etc from age 3 to age 14.
I don't remember my childhood. I get flashbacks.
During my teenage years I experimented with bestiality, and although I knew it was wrong, I struggled with it on and off for years. My virginity was lost this way, however much it can be lost to an animal. Growing up the females (Girls, women) I was around were very, very cruel to me, further alienating any hope I could have had for a healthy attraction to the opposite sex.
When I turned 18 I had my first consensual sexual experience with a man. It was horrible. But it began a several years- long affair with men. Probably 5 one night stands with men I'd meet on the internet. I didn't even know their names.
My behavior got riskier and riskier and eventually I knew I had to stop. I was chasing the dragon... trying to find love, fulfillment, and meaning in empty sex with men. It was exciting, fun, but empty. Risk made it fun.
I got an HIV test, it came back negative, and I have not had sex with a man since.
This was 20 years ago.
Today I struggle with it like I have been with a man just yesterday. Some times I fall and look up porn. It's not very often that I do it, and I know it's wrong, and I hate it.
I have gotten a lot better... I am not attracted to men per se, but sex, yes. Just being touched, being wanted.
Recently a woman I very highly respect and love, I found out she actually likes me (As a boyfriend). She is not a Christian. She told me she was a virgin and that I could have her, but I told her I would not unless we were married. I highly respect a woman who can keep her virginity, and I would feel like scum to take that from her without a life commitment. She deserves someone who will truly love her.
We held hands, we hugged... I held her in my arms. It was amazing, but confusing.
After a few weeks of hanging out with her, I told her the truth, I struggle with homosexuality, and have been involved in bestiality in my past. I don't want to keep anything from her. She had been going through a lot in her personal life, and she felt it would be best to be friends.
To be honest I don't think either one of us really knew what we were doing. We saw something in one another but we didn't know how to go about dating.
A few weeks after this, present day, she doesn't talk to me any more. I have had time to think about it and I can tell she really liked me... But she wanted me to take initiative, to sweep her off her feet, and truly, I want to do that, but I feel like there is a gaping hole in my soul. Like there should be something there, but it's missing.
I feel lost, empty, cold. Ruined, and hopeless. Not for this woman, because I know I she's not Christian. Otherwise she is nearly perfect for me.
My boss here said I used to be so happy go lucky. It was a front, yes, but I lived it the best I could. He said I have changed in the past year and a half. I am angry, bitter.
I am.
The other day I found myself stuck out in the mud, in my truck, it was midnight, I was angry. I let loose and shook my fist at God. A lot of the hateful, angry things I said were true. One of the things I said was, screaming, at the top of my lungs, I don't want a future, or a hope. I just want to be done. With all of this. I don't want to do it any more. I was angry when I said those things. I still feel that way more often than not.
I am almost 40 years old and I feel like a child around women. I don't want to lie or hold things back. Many women have come after me, tried to have relationships with me, but I'm confused, cold, detached.
My heart yearns and aches for affection, but it seems my time is spent resisting my desires. Resist, resist, resist. Day in and day out. Dying to myself, over, and over, and over... For twenty years. I know it'll probably be for another twenty, forty years or more.
I can't do this any more. I just don't want to. I am running out of energy. What energy is replenished is spent on resisting temptation. I have no relief. No hope. Some times I get periods of a sort of joyful numbness, but that is few and far between. I am not suicidal.
I'm just tired. And I don't know what to do any more.
To start out, I was very heavily abused when I was a child, to the point where a close family member who was an abuser tried to murder me, I assume to cover up what he was doing to me. Sexual abuse... Then I was molested by some peers, and then physically abused by the close family member again to the point of breaking my wrists/ribs etc from age 3 to age 14.
I don't remember my childhood. I get flashbacks.
During my teenage years I experimented with bestiality, and although I knew it was wrong, I struggled with it on and off for years. My virginity was lost this way, however much it can be lost to an animal. Growing up the females (Girls, women) I was around were very, very cruel to me, further alienating any hope I could have had for a healthy attraction to the opposite sex.
When I turned 18 I had my first consensual sexual experience with a man. It was horrible. But it began a several years- long affair with men. Probably 5 one night stands with men I'd meet on the internet. I didn't even know their names.
My behavior got riskier and riskier and eventually I knew I had to stop. I was chasing the dragon... trying to find love, fulfillment, and meaning in empty sex with men. It was exciting, fun, but empty. Risk made it fun.
I got an HIV test, it came back negative, and I have not had sex with a man since.
This was 20 years ago.
Today I struggle with it like I have been with a man just yesterday. Some times I fall and look up porn. It's not very often that I do it, and I know it's wrong, and I hate it.
I have gotten a lot better... I am not attracted to men per se, but sex, yes. Just being touched, being wanted.
Recently a woman I very highly respect and love, I found out she actually likes me (As a boyfriend). She is not a Christian. She told me she was a virgin and that I could have her, but I told her I would not unless we were married. I highly respect a woman who can keep her virginity, and I would feel like scum to take that from her without a life commitment. She deserves someone who will truly love her.
We held hands, we hugged... I held her in my arms. It was amazing, but confusing.
After a few weeks of hanging out with her, I told her the truth, I struggle with homosexuality, and have been involved in bestiality in my past. I don't want to keep anything from her. She had been going through a lot in her personal life, and she felt it would be best to be friends.
To be honest I don't think either one of us really knew what we were doing. We saw something in one another but we didn't know how to go about dating.
A few weeks after this, present day, she doesn't talk to me any more. I have had time to think about it and I can tell she really liked me... But she wanted me to take initiative, to sweep her off her feet, and truly, I want to do that, but I feel like there is a gaping hole in my soul. Like there should be something there, but it's missing.
I feel lost, empty, cold. Ruined, and hopeless. Not for this woman, because I know I she's not Christian. Otherwise she is nearly perfect for me.
My boss here said I used to be so happy go lucky. It was a front, yes, but I lived it the best I could. He said I have changed in the past year and a half. I am angry, bitter.
I am.
The other day I found myself stuck out in the mud, in my truck, it was midnight, I was angry. I let loose and shook my fist at God. A lot of the hateful, angry things I said were true. One of the things I said was, screaming, at the top of my lungs, I don't want a future, or a hope. I just want to be done. With all of this. I don't want to do it any more. I was angry when I said those things. I still feel that way more often than not.
I am almost 40 years old and I feel like a child around women. I don't want to lie or hold things back. Many women have come after me, tried to have relationships with me, but I'm confused, cold, detached.
My heart yearns and aches for affection, but it seems my time is spent resisting my desires. Resist, resist, resist. Day in and day out. Dying to myself, over, and over, and over... For twenty years. I know it'll probably be for another twenty, forty years or more.
I can't do this any more. I just don't want to. I am running out of energy. What energy is replenished is spent on resisting temptation. I have no relief. No hope. Some times I get periods of a sort of joyful numbness, but that is few and far between. I am not suicidal.
I'm just tired. And I don't know what to do any more.